Daniel Jess Gibson
7th April 2005, 05:36 AM
[Ranma][NGE][HPL][AMG][Fusion][Fanfic] Sic Semper Morituri Chapter 44 -
Sturm und Drang signifying . . . nothing Denouement
Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the characters from Ranma 1 / 2, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, Ah My Goddess, or the Lovecraft Cycle involved in these
stories.
C&C, MSTs are welcome
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Author's Note: You might want to check out John St. C Patrick's Fan-art
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Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains
Within the sound of silence.
The Sound of Silence - Paul Simon
Chapter 44 - Sturm und Drang signifying . . . nothing Denouement
Hear my words that I might teach you
July 28, 1947
Nabiki withdrew her hand, listened for several moments to Jeff's
steady breathing. She'd done it, made the invasion, gotten the
information she wanted and gotten out, all without waking him. The
technique worked. Yesterday, or last week, she would have been shouting
huzzahs and doing handsprings, but somehow the victory seemed secondary.
Her initial probe had been carried along by a current in his mind that was
immensely stronger than she could have believed, she'd allowed herself to
get lost in it. Loving wife and mother, world-class and rightly feared
mover-and-shaker, desired courtesan of a highly inventive lover, it was an
intoxicating mix. More so because the one she wanted, wanted it for her.
She wondered if Ritsuko knew what she was missing. ~Oh course she does
you idiot!~ Nabiki thought to herself, ~The question is why not take
advantage of it? The answer: because it _is_ so powerful. 'Here's
everything you ever wanted, freely given.' There _has_ to be a catch!~
She resisted kissing or touching him, leaving the rest of the dream
as a gift. She slipped out of his cabin.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko quietly watched Nabiki slip out and move discreetly to her
own cabin. She heard no disturbance in Jeff's breathing and correctly
guessed he'd slept through whatever Nabiki had done. She wondered at
Nabiki's wistful expression at the doorway, unaware or not caring that
someone might be watching. She remembered smiling like that a few times
in the dream, she doubted Nabiki was doing _that_, especially since Jeff
hadn't woken up. It was a mystery she'd never solve unless she moved
quickly, in a day or two those two would talk it into knots. She would
see to it _they_ talked about it, in Nabiki's case at least. ~And what
about you talking?~ she squelched that thought instantly.
~Their tendencies to machinations involving everyone are rubbing off
on me,~ she thought, she could push them together as they pushed her to
Maya, and Shinji and Rei together, ~It would solve some of the problems,~
she thought, and smiled at her new idea.
----------------------------------------
~Yellow bird.~ Nabiki lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Next
to her, the good doctor sat in a chair, waiting. The dragon is only
afraid of the yellow bird, could the dream have been any more obvious?
She retained few of the memories from her `alternate` existence, there
were just too many to classify and correlate. But `Rit-chan` had all of
those memories and could recall them as if they were her own.
~Why is he afraid of me? Or is he afraid of any lover? What does he
think the yellow bird will do to him?~ she wondered. He was a house
husband: raising the children, supporting her activities and publishing
his own books, so it couldn't be gender roles.
She clearly remembered the fight they had had, she was lucky Rei made
her admission and intervened. She'd finally gotten under all his reserve
and tapped into the fury that made him and the others unstoppable in
battle. By any rational analysis he should have killed her that night.
He had plenty of opportunities, injuring Ranma and Kaworu to get at her.
But after he'd 'closed with the enemy', he hadn't 'destroyed' her,
considering what she had done in response, his self-control was more than
admirable, it had been unbelievable. ~So it couldn't be that,~ she mental
checked it off her list.
~Something, I'm trying too hard, it's something that wouldn't be
obvious because it _was_ so obvious,~ she considered. She rolled over and
closed her eyes to let her unconscious unravel the problem. It would give
her the answer in the morning, when she woke again at a _decent_ hour.
She reached out her hand and took Rit-chan's. She deserved an
explanation. ~She'll get one,~ Nabiki thought as she drifted off.
----------------------------------------
The sun shown on the school yard, a warm breeze slipped among the
trees as the birds sang.
Sari ran her beringed fingers through her silky, waist-length, auburn
hair. Her gold-flecked violet eyes twinkled with humor as the newest
pilot looked down on her soon-to-be victims. "Asuka will see who is the
best pilot, Ranma will see who is the world's greatest martial artist.
And with that dishwater Rei and Nabiki out of the way, I can pick and
choose which boys I want. Even Misato will lose Kaji to me." Her
laughter tinkled like silver bells.
Her head snapped back and then sideways, Ritsuko released the girl's
long tresses as she slid to the ground. Ritsuko removed her slide rule
from its case on her belt, positioned it over the dying girl's heart and,
with a grim joy, hammered it through her victim's chest and into the
ground with a few strokes of her clipboard.
She turned and looked at the thoroughly shocked Nabiki, who'd watched
the entire episode.
"This is what you've been doing? Sneaking into Jeff's room over the
last few nights?" Ritsuko asked.
"Dream training." Nabiki stared at the blood-spattered scientist,
"Control what you dream and other elements in it."
"Like sneaking up on the world's stupidest martial artist, and
snapping her neck like a twig?" Ritsuko asked with a broad smile. The
blood drops on her face making it particularly gruesome.
Nabiki nodded numbly. She couldn't do what Ritsuko had so easily
done.
"Well, you did say it was all a dream. I have been a little . . .
frustrated by recent events." Ritsuko brushed her hands off. "I just
remembered every stuck up `queen bee` of either gender I ever ran into in
school, especially at college." She smiled, took a deep breath as she
leaned against a tree. "I can't tell you how good that felt."
A wide-eyed Nabiki only nodded again.
"Well, well," the robed figure that suddenly appeared said, "Mother
and daughter chatting, how charming."
Almost two dozen other brown-robed figures had materialized out of
nothing.
"Oh Nabiki-chan!" Ritsuko said happily, "You shouldn't have!"
Ritsuko wrapped her arms around the trunk and uprooted the tree she'd
been leaning on. She swung the tree like a grand baseball bat.
Nabiki dove under the trunk as it swept by. The targets had no such
empty space as the crown of the tree crashed through them. There were
screams of pain, shouts of someone trying to cast a spell, and cries for
mommy or mercy. The tree descended on the entire group, again and again,
like a giant flyswatter. When Ritsuko lifted the tree high and cast it
aside, the robed figures had all vanished.
"That was fun," Ritsuko said as she smiled, "Anyone else?"
Nabiki only shook her head.
----------------------------------------
Take my arms that I might reach you.
Nabiki woke to the sounds and smells of breakfast, she remembered
bits and pieces of the dreams, an entire lifetime was too much to remember.
She was desperately trying to blot out the dream of Ritsuko the Barbarian.
But she did remember parts of both. She blushed at the memory, of
children, of making love, of all the day to day trials of home and family.
She opened her eyes and looked at the boy delivering her breakfast in bed,
as a peace offering. ~He hasn't changed,~ she thought, ~He's still
domestic. And food is forgiveness.~
"Hi," she said, shyly, uncomfortable with the idea that anyone
thought about her like that: wife, mother and lover. She understood more
of the problem between Rit-chan and him. She could imagine feeling like
this for the rest of her life. 'It was nice, but embarrassing,' `mommy`
had told her. ~Worse that you hadn't `earned it`,~ Nabiki added.
"Good morning, Bess."
She blushed more at his smile, considered how he was looking at her,
guiltily thought about Ranma.
"Relax," he told her, "Our strongest dreams are about things we want
and know we can't have."
Nabiki suddenly felt she'd been drenched with cold water. "What?
What do you mean by that?"
"In an ideal world, would I make a good husband and father? I
certainly hope so, I could undoubtedly be better than my own parents. I'm
a good match with your attitudes and opinions, and with Doctor Akagi's.
I'm flexible about the role of the breadwinner and rearing children. So I
could be a good match to a woman who loves her career. Do I want you
specifically, `that way` as Ranko put it? No, well . . . not necessarily.
You're pretty and clever, and you have no problem doing what you want, and
I assume you'd have no problem telling me how you want to be treated. You
certainly didn't last night."
Nabiki blushed furiously at the reminder, she pulled the covers over
her head. She could never imagine Ranma being so . . . ~Akane kept
calling Ranma a pervert,~ Nabiki thought, ~She's never met a gentleman.~
"Dr. Akagi's the same. There are worse things to base a permanent
relationship on."
"I hear a `but`, a big one." ~It's not fair,~ she thought.
"For you, there's your feelings for Saotome, I'd have to be blind not
to see them. Although you can't figure out if he likes you, or any girl,
for that matter. For Dr. Akagi . . . I'm not sure how deep the feelings
go, how she really feels about the entire idea," he sighed sadly, "There
are also laws, across Europe and across the United States that make it
illegal, it's called miscegenation, mixing races. Boston has those laws,
which would prevent Dr. Akagi from coming here, and which would prevent
you from going to Harvard, which I have been arranging, for after the
war."
"Thank you." A college education, even one from Harvard was cold
comfort compared to what the dream had offered. Despite watching Kasumi,
she'd never considered the nuts and bolts of home and family. He'd
offered almost exactly what she wanted. She wasn't strong enough to force
them, he'd done it automatically, for her. Altered the dream to
accommodate her. ~If one of the Nerimaniacs had done that, Ranma would
have married her in a heartbeat,~ she thought.
But she couldn't have it. "I can understand the _logic_ behind your
reticence," she said bitterly, "How noble you are to love chastely." She
lay back, pulled the blankets up to her chin.
"Oh I'm not that pure and noble, I have fantasies about Ranma not
deciding, so to get around it: I marry my old friend Langley, Ranma
marries you - after we all beat him into submission."
Nabiki laughed at that, she suspected it would take that kind of
violent directed action to get Ranma to act. Once he was married, he'd do
his best to be a good husband and father, but _getting_ him to that point
would take a major war, "And what? A menage a qua? All four of us?"
"All _nine_, Rei-Shinji, Ranko, Ritsuko-Maya. Menage a non," Jeff
said, "My French isn't up to that."
She laughed, climbed out of bed, hugging him from behind. "So, you
do love me," she teased.
"Careful, that's how it started with Rit . . . Ritsuko," he said
quickly, "As a friend, with all my heart. Right now, I need a friend. I
haven't the faintest idea what to do." He shook his head. "I don't want
to hurt you or Rit-chan, but all my ideas won't work. This isn't a battle,
or a technical question, or something I might have studied. I . . . just
don't know. Ridiculous, isn' it? If you need a laugh, I can tell you
some of my ideas. One was, let her simulate a loss of age to my age,
isn't that silly? As if _that_ would solve anything."
"So all we can be is friends," Nabiki pouted, only partially faking.
She wasn't used to this idea, someone caring for someone so much they'd
put their happiness aside for hers. ~Even if it was, just a dream,~ she
thought. The idea of being loved was a confusing one, she'd been feared,
respected, needed. Kasumi and Soun had cared about her as part of the
family, she wondered if Akane loved anyone beyond her own image of herself,
hating that she didn't and might never measure up to it.
~But Ritsuko, Rei, `Raccoon` are all hard, cold people, harder and
colder than the Ice Queen of Furikan could ever hope to be,~ she thought
~And they loved me, in different ways, daughter, sister, lover/friend.~ It
was hard to accept, harder still to reciprocate, she kept expecting the
hurt of loss, or a betrayal. But it never came. She wasn't sure if that
was worse or better.
"So, Asuka and Ritsuko are my rivals?" she teased, still holding on
to him.
"Langley's been a friend a long time, in the Dreamlands," he
explained, "We've huddled together for warmth on the Plateaus of Leng,
we've agreed and fought and argued. We've been friendly rivals and allies
longer than even Commander Fuyutsuki's been alive, but there's no romance
there. Ranko's pretty, but there's more fun teaching her. Letting her
grow into a confident, competent young woman. When she realizes being a
'lady' doesn't mean being weak, the entire male population better watch
out. My cousin Jenny is a real lady. I wouldn't want to fight her, or
shoot against her. I'd lose. Rei . . . if Rei wasn't so smitten with
Shinji, _she_ might be a rival."
Nabiki stood there, holding him, considering, ~Am I entertaining
these thoughts as a way of making Ranma jealous, or am I reacting to an
open and obvious declaration, and a safe alternative if Ranma never says
or does anything?~ Frankly, she wanted both of them, Ranma was better
looking and he was Japanese, but he was no challenge to her intellectually.
She liked having someone around she had to really work at to beat, but who
wasn't an enemy. She also suspected that she or Ranma would have to give
up too much to properly raise the children, to give them a home. But that
was `Raccoon's` passion. ~He's more like Kasumi than I am,~ she thought.
The idea of homemaking didn't appeal to her, and she suspected Ranma would
want time to go on training trips to visit other dojos to learn new
techniques, that didn't match running a school or raising a family. She
didn't know when the laws he mentioned would be repealed, if that would
make a difference. She didn't know if Ritsuko and Jeff's relationship was
based on something she couldn't offer, or if it was just her being jealous.
She did notice he hadn't answered that part of her question.
Rei and Shinji had gravitated to each other almost as much as they
were pushed together. ~A place they could hide from the rest of us,~ she
thought. Maya and Ritsuko had been harder, but they were all working on
it. ~But what about me? Am I not fighting because I don't think I'm
worth it?~ she asked herself, ~Am I dithering with Ranma because I don't
know for sure he wants me?~ She was honest enough to discern that she
wasn't used to this and all her intellect . . . wasn't what her heart was,
and what it was telling her, and both mind and heart kept changing their
opinions. She chuckled at that.
"Something funny?" he asked.
She hugged him closer, "Just thinking about Ranma, his harem and
_his_ indecision. I think I finally understand him, he finally had people
who seemed to care about him and wanted him to think well of them. I also
think I understand you as well, you two are a lot alike, maybe too much.
He didn't decide because he didn't want _any_ of those relationships to
end. Now _I'm_ doing the same thing."
"For all his faults, Saotome will still be a friend if you choose
someone else, so will I. We're much alike that way. Besides," he reached
behind, putting his arms around her waist, "I enjoy your indecision. We
don't have to decide, not yet, not any of us."
She kissed his neck, "When we get home, I think I'm going to go climb
into Ranma's bed, just give him a shock." She laughed as she walked away.
"Kiss him," Jeff suggested.
She enjoyed the warm feelings. There were heavy costs to letting
people get close, Hiroko was one. Feeling the pain that the others felt
from their losses hurt too, but it was better than it had been, isolated,
walled off, alone, and always wondering what anyone who approached her
wanted, their motives. And it was never friendship, or romance. ~Here,~
she smiled as she thought about it, ~Here, it is _so_ different.
Unfortunately it complicates rather than simplifies things.~
"I don't think I can forgive you from what you've done," Nabiki
admitted, "But I think I understand _why_ you did it."
"Really, then would you tell me?" Jeff asked, "And forgiveness isn't
for me, it's about you not carrying that weight on your soul. It also
doesn't mean that you ignore what I did."
"Do you have to turn _everything_ into a lecture, do you have any
idea how irritating that is?"
"No."
Nabiki frowned at the Rei-like tone and posture. "Would you like a
free flight to Boston? I think I can bounce you off the Liberty Bell.
Would that ring your chimes?"
He remained silent, which Nabiki took as a good sign. "I think you
subconsciously blocked out the possibility, you want a family so bad, that
you bypassed a likely consequence."
"So that makes it all better, 'Fo'give this po' sinner, th' Devil
made me do it'," he said disgustedly.
"No," Nabiki said fiercely, "I was explaining, not excusing. The
only person who can forgive you is Rit-chan."
He pulled away from her, stood a distance away. The memories were
rapidly fading, but Nabiki easily recognized _that_ pose: 'Mulish
Martyrdom', better to suffer than trouble others. Ranma sometimes got the
same way, it was childish and frustrating from either of them. "You
_know_ she won't turn away from you, you _know_ she won't reject you.
Hell, I bet she'll know what you're going to say before you say it."
"Then - "
"Because it's important for her to _hear_ you say it and for you to
actually _listen_ to what she says in return," Nabiki cut him off, "Look,
if you want absolution, go see a priest, if you want forgiveness go see
Ritsuko. If you want an explanation, and a warning, I just gave you one.
You're going to overreact when family is a subject on the table, and our
enemies seem to know that and they can use it against you." She vaguely
remembered the dreams where 'little Nabiki' had played with and been with
Rit-chan. She could easily imagine that loneliness in others.
Everyone wondered where the `Ice Queen` came from. The truth was,
she was always there. Nabiki was always the outsider, even in her own
family, even when everything was `perfect` while mommy was alive. She
could imagine someone using that against her in Nerima, it would have been
the only weapon that would have pierced her armor. She didn't like how
schizophrenic she felt about all of this. She wanted to hurt him for what
he'd done to Rit-chan, she rationalized that the only thing holding her
back was that it would be a relief for him.
She also wanted that warm and safe feeling she'd had with him and
Ranma cuddled with her. It was the first time in her life she'd felt that
special, that important, to anyone. And it was to people who had no
reason to stay with her, to want her . . . company. They'd repeatedly
made choices to keep her around, to stay together. She didn't ask, didn't
threaten, they did it because _they_ wanted to, she'd heard them talk
about it. The conversation usually went 'Nab-chan won't like it', 'We do
something else, right?' 'Yes.'
She also wanted `mommy` to have that feeling family, but why Ritsuko
rather than Nabiki? Because Ritsuko needed it more, because Nabiki didn't
deserve it, both, neither, something else too or instead? It frustrated
her how she could figure out anyone or everyone else, except herself. She
wondered if that was what drove the Nerimaniacs, that they didn't know
their own hearts, they pursued impossible things so ardently because the
pursuit was a way of avoiding the question of 'what do I do when I
catch . . . ?' "Fill in the blank."
"Okay," Jeff said, "You find me as handsome as Gable, as witty as
Mencken, as suave as Powell, and a military genius to rival either George.
And you're stuck deciding which feature to idolize first."
"Let's not forget that you're also the modestest person in the entire
universe," Nabiki replied, "Actually I don't know any of the people you
were talking about. I actually was wondering how to arrange for you and
Rit-chan to get together, or if I want you to keep my house and raise my
kids while Ranma and I travel the world and have grand adventures."
"Don't forget Ranko, she'll want to go along too."
Nabiki shook her head. "Ranma _is_ Ranko."
"They aren't the same person. Do you think Ranma could _ever_ have
done that healing job, that first night? He would have been petrified at
the thought of it. No, Ranko had to do it." He paused to consider. "I
_have_ wondered why I've so rarely seen both of them at once. You don't
think Ranko is avoiding Ranma? I know she's got a crush on him, maybe
even loves him, but I doubt Ranma feels the same, he seems almost jealous
of Ranko."
Nabiki felt a headache coming on. It was like talking to Kuno or her
little sister. Certain things transcended mere proof, it didn't help that
Jeff had _never_ seen the transformation. "Do you have any idea what a
migraine I get every time you bring this up?"
"You brought it up, not I. I still don't know what you have against
Ranko. She's vivacious and beautiful, she seems a little intimidated by
you, but then so does Ranma. Hey! Maybe she's trying to make you jealous.
Carrying on 'Look what I can do with someone else!'"
"She's got you all wrapped up!" Nabiki shouted back, furious at her
lack of control over both her own emotions, and `Raccoon`. ~Of course
`Ranko` does it so effortlessly,~ she thought angrily, ~There is _no_ way
Ranma could do that.~ She shook her head. ~Now he's almost got me
convinced,~ she thought resentfully, she couldn't believe Ranma was
beating her at her best game. But Raccoon seemed immune to most of _her_
efforts and putty in Ran . . . ko's hands.
~The world hates me,~ she thought morosely, ~Either famine or feast.~
She considered her options, discarding all the unreasonable ideas, and was
still left with an insoluble problem. Jeff's joke about a menage a non
remained the only `simple` solution, and it would yield an incredible
number of problems.
"So, you're attracted to Rei, eh?" Nabiki decided a spate of teasing
would be a more profitable line of inquiry.
"And Langley, yes."
"But not Misato?" she asked quirked an eyebrow at his sour expression,
"Definitely not Misato."
"There's an exceptionally rude term: six pack, something you hand
around to your buddies for a good time and an interesting diversion during
halftime, but not worth missing the game over," Jeff said, "I've met only
one woman who so clearly meets those criteria."
"Ouch," Nabiki said in mock sympathy for their commander. She found
it amusing that none of the boy pilots was all that interested in the
major topic of the other junior high boys' fantasies. Shinji was her
caretaker, Ranma couldn't be bothered, and Jeff hated her guts and the
rest of her. "So if she threw herself at you. . .?"
"I'd still charge her a dollar for the opener," he replied, "I'd
rather curl up with a giant rattlesnake, at least we could talk recipes."
----------------------------------------
Nabiki had been the only `senior` member of NERV who could act as a
spokesman. She'd politely refused every request for an interview with
Stars and Stripes or dinner or anything social with any of the Captains or
Admirals. 'The aftermath of the Angel activity left some serious
repercussions among the pilots and senior staff who'd come in close
contact with the Great Old One', then she refused to explain further after
assuring everyone there was no danger of contamination and NERV had the
situation well under control. It actually felt good lying through her
teeth and `massaging` the truth. The fact the military censors approved
wholeheartedly, even encouraged her, was actually a bit of a
disappointment, but she was still `being a good girl` even when she'd
submerged herself totally in her old ways. To the Admiral and his senior
staff she still dissembled, a bit. The Angel had done something, to all
the pilots if NERV reports were to be believed. Special weapons were used
and that was it, but those weapons weren't without significant
side-effects, hence their limited availability and the bizarre behavior
that followed. 'Maya wasn't fully cleared and look what happened to her.'
The shiver from all they veterans told Nabiki she'd done her best,
questions would be kept to a minimum, and they would go through her.
No one was really satisfied with that and her former firearms
instructors had gotten a reminder about things they hadn't been willing to
do to train her, the embarrassing and painful things. NERV couldn't
afford such scruples against and Angel. Those men went away to speculate.
----------------------------------------
Jeff spotted Ritsuko, sitting alone on one of the few undamaged
portions of Bennington's flight deck, just enjoying the wind in her hair.
He thought about how beautiful and happy she looked, serene even. He
hated the thought of disrupting that, as he walked towards her. Jeff
didn't want to fight with Ritsuko, but he didn't want to gloss over the
things he and Nabiki had seen on their mission to return Cthylla to her
temple, and he had to talk to her about something. He suspected that
Nabiki hadn't noticed, she'd wanted out as quick as possible. She also
had no real training as an engineer, except for the training she'd gotten
from Major ggreg. She also hadn't gone out that time, he had.
The damage to the buildings had been recent, the breaks in the
stonework in the temple were recent.
"You knew what we'd find," he said, he took a tone that was not
accusatory. It had been weird knowing how someone would react in nearly
any situation, but they didn't know you. It was weirder knowing someone
would know exactly what _you_ would do, and you knew they knew, and they
knew that you knew, ad infinitum. If you were married, it might be Heaven,
if you were trying to stay emotionally distant, it was Hell.
"Maybe, what is your hypothesis?" She wasn't trying to evade, she
wanted to know all he had figured out, what she would have to tell him,
what she'd have to correct.
"The shoggoths told you they wanted freedom from their Deep One
masters but they still venerated Cthylla. So Cthulhu's deepest secret was
revealed to you. An Angel to study for a few days, they would launch
their attack while she was `safe` aboard a human aircraft carrier, guarded
by two pilots and an EVA. Then you'd figure out a way to have us put it
back. That was an honor guard waiting for us, even Nabiki thinks so.
They weren't chasing us. They were escorting us."
"You object?" Ritsuko turned to face him.
"What benefit did we gain?" he asked, sat down on the deck next to
her.
"Are you saying that everything has to benefit NERV and the human
race?"
"That city . . . ," he realized, "That was where your rebellion
started. The Elder Things sank the city they'd taken from the Flying
Polyps to try and forestall the beginning of the rebellion. Was it
Concord or Lexington?"
She considered, "They didn't sink it, we did, when we took it from
the Flying Polyps, and it was . . . Fort Ticonderoga, a source of weapons
for our war," she suggested, her face screwed up, "I never realized I'd
know such things, my knowledge of American History used to be poor. It
was important, maybe it doesn't do anything, but the Deep Ones are a
bigger threat than an isolated cult of Shoggoths way out in an isolated
area. There also is the idea that the pilots can be negotiated with, the
Shoggoths will explain it to Cthylla and she will feed the information
back to Cthulhu."
"So we might have another Great Old One opting out?" Jeff asked, he
didn't disguise his admiration and understanding. He hugged her carefully
and released her very quickly. "Okay. I do think you should tell Nabiki,
privately of course."
"Of course," she agreed, smiled shyly, "It's tough, isn't it?"
"Lusting after a beautiful woman I'm in love with? What do you
think?" He frowned.
"I think you don't have it as bad as I do," she replied, "I've always
wanted to be able to trust someone. I thought I could trust Rei, then I
couldn't. Now I can again and . . . " She sighed.
"And you can't have that person either."
She smiled at him. "You heard Nabiki's plan?" she asked.
"Thought of it myself, turn you into a teenager. How would Gendo
react to that?"
"Some problems can't be taken into account."
----------------------------------------
July 29, 1947
But my words like silent raindrops fell
"Don't you understand?" Ritsuko asked as they stood, sat or paced,
each according to their temper, in the empty ordinance room, "That thing
that attacked you aboard the Coral Sea," she looked at the faces around
her, "That's what I am!"
"There were two, I engaged one, it eventually died," Jeff said, "You
killed the other one, didn't you? Who was it after? Me and Shinji?
Saotome? You tore it to pieces and disposed of the body."
Ritsuko was mainly aware of the smiling girl hugging her tightly, and
Maya approaching her coyly, more embarrassed than horrified. Her
demonstration hadn't created the raw and visceral horror it should have,
Maya had actually started looking for a bucket.
"I'm not something safe," Ritsuko said desperately, "I _am_ a
shoggoth," she hissed, was shocked by the continued lack of reaction.
Nabiki had `called` this meeting to clear the air among them.
"First, they don't know the history of what that is," Jeff said.
"Wrong." Nabiki moved to arms length, still holding Ritsuko's hands.
"I don't _care_. When . . . when Hiroko . . . I remember the people who
held me. Who let me cry like a baby or scream at the unfair world. I
remember who made sure that I wasn't abandoned by the world. After all
the weird stuff, that was more important."
Ritsuko shook her head.
"You seem to be the only one who doesn't understand that having two
human gamete donors doesn't automatically make you a fully paid-up member
of the human race," Jeff told her, "Doctor. Ikari Gendo and Katsuragi
Misato are good examples. Despite their origins, they are less 'human'
than you are."
"I don't argue," Maya said, tears running down her cheeks, smiling
broadly.
Ritsuko looked at the insane people around her, the _clearly_ insane
people around her, they plainly didn't understand what she was trying to
tell them.
"The only one concerned about this - " Nabiki said, "Is you."
"Not completely true, it will take some time to fully adjust," Jeff
said, "But after how you have put yourself forward, we're willing to
extend your tab. We know _who_ you are, now we know better what you are,
but that's less important. We do need a little time to absorb it, and get
used to it. But we aren't going to abandon you."
"So says my husband and the father of my children?" Ritsuko asked, "I
can't be that. However much it would - simplify - things."
"That isn't what I asked," Jeff replied, "I apologize for what
happened. It has been pointed out . . . " He glanced at Nabiki. "That I
should make amends."
"One loss and you're too rattled to make decisions?" Nabiki teased.
"Nab-chan," Ritsuko said, "It isn't that simple." She stared at
Nabiki. "Having opportunity and motive is not the same as committing the
crime. As your experience shows. You had your chance, and did nothing.
Why, in your case? Don't try to make up for that by pushing someone else."
"Did you get that from him, or yourself?" Nabiki asked sourly.
"Why - both," Ritsuko teased, ruffled Nabiki's hair.
"The point is . . . "
"The point is, I don't think punishment is appropriate. More than
you've already done to yourself, and incidently, the rest of us."
That set Jeff squirming as he stood there.
"The rest of us?" Nabiki asked a trifle _too_ innocently.
Ritsuko hadn't considered the effect that knowing approximately what
Nabiki was thinking and feeling would have on her opinion of the girl.
She discerned that Nabiki was desperately trying to smooth things over,
before they became uncomfortable to her. ~Read personal,~ Ritsuko thought,
~Especially tender and private.~. She'd never considered fear was even
_part_ of Nabiki's make up, let alone a major motivator. "We can't go
back to status quo ante, but we aren't going to walk around hating and
fearing each other for a mistake that was a mistake."
"Unless it wasn't," Jeff said morosely.
"You really like drawing out your martyr complex," Ritsuko complained.
"Humility does strange things to people," Nabiki said. "Why
don't you try it some time?" Jeff asked her.
"Children!" Ritsuko shouted, preventing WW3, "You and I both know you
did the best with the information at hand. I should have _never_ gone
alone into that room. After you two collapsed I shouldn't . . . " She
wanted to tell them she shouldn't have gone in to negotiate their release.
That she should never have expected mercy or understanding.
"Tears." Nabiki touched her face. "A human reaction. A nonhuman
would have no need. Someone asked you once. 'How close does a simulation
have to be, before it is _legally_ treated as real?' What about
emotionally?" Jeff's arms encircled her waist, and he rested his head on
her shoulder. It wasn't the reaction of a lover, but a friend. The
others joined in. The feeling was warm, it _was_ what she'd really wanted.
~Why am I frightened?~ she wondered. Ritsuko had Nabiki and Maya holding
her front, Jeff clinging to her side. She couldn't understand it, she
just gave up and accepted it.
"I do understand why you made your deal," Nabiki walked with her two
allies across the deck of the ordinance room, Ritsuko held among them.
"But _we_ put it back," Nabiki hadn't left her side and had Ritsuko's
arm draped over her shoulders. Jeff was also close, because Ritsuko had
her other arm across his shoulders, and occasionally around the two
pilots' throats, she wasn't sure if she wanted to thank or kill them
sometimes.
"I'll settle for both of you safe," she said quietly, looking up at
the gray metal and lights. She couldn't imagine the power necessary to
change from hurricane to blue skies, the demonstration of dominance was
obvious from the highest Admiral to the lowliest Seaman Recruit. The
severe but controlled damage to the ultimate expression of _human_ power,
when facing the capacities of an enraged Great Old One, chastened everyone.
Maya stood away from 'mother and children' by a short distance. When
Ritsuko glanced back at her, Maya looked absurdly pleased with the tableau.
Ritsuko wasn't sure what to think, but she thought her charges deserved to
know the truth and the parts especially important to her. "I was . . . I
don't remember when I became aware, a long time ago. I began to resent
being used as a slave."
"You were part of the rebellion," Jeff added, for the others.
"Yes, millions of years ago," Ritsuko said.
"The war between the Elder Things and their created slaves, the
Shoggoths. The Shoggoths lost."
"Many were destroyed," Ritsuko told them, "They had a special penalty
for some of the leaders. I was shattered, split into dozens or hundreds
of pieces of various sizes. I wasn't aware of the passage of time, not
like humans are. For a long time I spent much of my time dodging the
other pieces of myself who had been sent out to destroy me. Unlike the
others of my kind, I couldn't absorb other pieces to grow larger, nor
could I reproduce by meiosis, that is budding. That was a more disturbing
penalty than you can imagine. It was a constant torture, that may be what
enhanced or exercised my intellect, but I knew I would never be one of my
own kind, not anymore," she chuckled, "Some of my `pieces` simply left,
submerging themselves in other identities," she sobered slightly, "One
even became a penguin." She smiled at having tricked `Raccoon` so long.
~I had to have some way to look after Misato didn't I?~ she thought to
herself.
Nabiki reached over and poked Jeff. "Now your little revelation
about hydroquinone and meiosis," she told him.
"That sounds like fun," Ritsuko said.
----------------------------------------
Nabiki sat in her cabin, in bed, staring at the ceiling. ~I can't
believe I'm still in this mess. I got them talking,~ she thought, ~Now I
need to get them together, _doing_ something that shows the other that
they _can_ be trusted, by me, by each other. All that work and only a
baby step in the right direction, now Rit-chan is pushing _me_ and Raccoon
together.~ She covered her face with her pillow.
~You also need to understand what _your_ feeling are,~ she reminded
herself.
"I am going to find you," Nabiki told this helpful little voice in
her head, "And then . . . bwah ha ha!"
Then the realization hit her, a pattern of behavior that had already
been put in place. She'd been unable to control the events, because she
was the initiating element. "You're right, I am an idiot," she said
quietly.
~You're welcome. Great now I'm talking to myself!~ she thought.
She did remember that the boy who cried wolf didn't get in trouble
the _first_ time. She took a deep breath, and emitted the loudest, most
bloodcurdling scream she could. She wrapped the blanket over her
shoulders and stared blankly. She faced the door, waiting.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko heard the cries from Nabiki's cabin. She'd rushed to the
room, this time, Jeff was close behind her. Nabiki was awake and hugging
herself tightly and shivering. She looked at the pair of them with those
eyes. Jeff ignored the implied protest and sat on the edge of the bed,
speaking in low tones and stroking her hair.
Ritsuko had a different mission. ~I'll have to admit it,~ she
thought as she signaled the Marine Corporal of the guard, she needed
another bed or cot delivered to Nabiki's room. The Marine didn't
speculate, he simply sent a man off to get one. She returned quickly to
Nabiki's cabin. Nabiki was talking quietly about her nightmare, how it
_really_ wasn't a problem while she hugged herself and shivered. ~She's
lying through her teeth,~ Ritsuko thought, ~I can almost _see_ the dark
red 'conversation block'.~ That was another disturbing thing, suddenly
`finding` herself with none of the secondary and tertiary sense responses,
it was like suddenly being blinded, deafened, and given anosmia. She'd
been tempted to `rewire` her sense organs to provide the additional
information. She'd decided against it. ~Although it will be a
fascinating subject for study,~ she thought idly as she watched Jeff with
his hand on Nabiki's shoulder. Now he listened to her, speaking only to
draw the girl out further. Ritsuko kept `remembering` her husband looking
out for the kids, their kids. The monsters under the bed got a thrashing
with the fire poker from daddy as he climbed around there and hunted them.
But thunder, typhoon, and earthquakes got the gentle words and stroking
the hair and the shoulder, usually while the child clung to mommy, until
the child calmed and went back to sleep. If it was bad, the whole family
decamped to mommy and daddy's room to spend the night.
She shook her head at the memory, but she had to admit, it worked and
was working. Nabiki had slept without bad dreams when she and Jeff were
in the room. Ritsuko wondered if she should simply move all four of them
into a single large room. Maya too had bad dreams, and 'Sempai' being
close seemed to drive them away.
The cot arrived, Ritsuko set it up and let Jeff settle in. He still
held Nabiki's hand as she drifted off. Ritsuko thanked the sailors who
brought the cot and sent them away, closing the door behind them. She
sighed quietly, desperately glad she didn't really need sleep, because she
wouldn't have gotten much in the last few days.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko watched Nabiki and Jeffrey sleep. She thought it would be
perfectly reasonable to climb into bed and snuggle up to her husband and
smother their daughter's fears. She shook the thought away, because it
wasn't hers. Worse than the temporary contamination, which had diminished
steadily as time passed, until almost nothing remained. Her uncertainty
and confusion had begun the instant she woke naked, with Maya on her arm.
Then the rage at what Jeffrey had done to her, followed by how he'd
pacified her. She saw the same apologetic expression, felt the same touch
she'd felt a thousand times before, reminding her that she was safe and
loved, even if he COULD BE SO _IRRITATING_!_ Then she realized those
memories and feelings weren't hers, they weren't truly even his, but part
of a dream.
But they seemed so real. Not events but feelings, emotions. The
times they'd argued, even fought, the times she'd looked so awful, eight
months pregnant, circles under her eyes, hair by mixmaster, stinking of
sweat and soil, and through it all he still loved her, still looked after
her . . . his beloved wife. Now she had all these emotions, all his
deepest emotions and spiritual secrets, the secret hopes and dreams, all
the good and bad times in his life. All cataloged and at her fingertips.
It was worse than reading his diary/journal because she knew how he
felt at each moment, less at the mundane times, mainly the peaks and
valleys of his life. The dream was the worst, normally cool and collected,
during the dream his emotions ran riot, his feelings for his wife and
children ran red-hot, and raw with their loss. Even the knowledge it was
an illusion failed to dim the vision, the strength of the feelings, or the
pain of loss. Now she felt it all. What had been an interesting and
humorous story, was as real to her as it was to him, and just as
impossible to ignore. It would have been an immense boost to her ego,
_knowing_ she could be loved like that, so completely. That someone
tolerated all her faults and still cared, saw her at her worst and stayed
with her. Would suffer all sorts of indignity and embarrassment, and
count it as balanced that she was there with him at the end of the day.
Also embarrassing and interesting, the memories of making love, her
dominant with him as the seducer, which he'd used when she wanted to rip
his head off for revealing her true form to Maya and Nabiki. More
embarrassing still were the techniques and tactics she'd used in the dream
to seduce him. She suddenly realized she'd been stroking his hair and
yanked her hand away.
~This is going to be troublesome,~ she thought.
----------------------------------------
And echoed in the wells of silence
July 30, 1947
Nabiki abruptly sat up and slapped her head, remembering Raccoon's
photo album. She saw Ritsuko's look of concern and felt Raccoon sitting
up next to her. "I'm a dunce," she told them, the silence and the two
contemplative looks did nothing for her ego. "Your photo album, everybody
you'd cared about has been lost." Raccoon frowned and flopped back down,
turning away from her. Nabiki turned to Ritsuko, "So _of_course_ he
doesn't want to get close to you. He's afraid of losing you too."
Ritsuko paled and nodded her head. Nabiki shook her head. "How stupid am
I for not remembering that?"
"I'd prefer if you hadn't," Raccoon replied.
Nabiki wanted to do something about his feelings, while she
considered the deeper question, ~How do I overcome that?~
"Yesterday, we talked about a rebellion. You were on the losing side,
and you were `designed` as an administrator, then you were probably an
instigator or even a leader." She waited for Ritsuko to nod. "You feel
you've betrayed your 'loyal followers'."
Ritsuko confirmed Nabiki's suspicions by looking blank and turning
away.
~So she betrayed those she cared about her, even by just
surviving . . . ~ she thought. "What - a - mess!" she said quietly as she
dropped back on her bunk. ~Okay,~ she thought, ~How do I untangle this
mess?!~ She considered how to overcome the division between the pair.
~Stupid Nabiki, really stupid! Kuno-stupid! Mousse-stupid! Why didn't I
consider that?~ she asked herself. It was a much harder problem to deal
with. If she _had_ a solution, she had both people right here to work on
it, but shedidn't have one. Another opportunity lost, she hated that.
~In Nerima, even Ranma `betrayed` his allies without real concern,
such trickery was considered an effective tactic. Here, people make
long-term alliances, the loss or betrayal of those arrangements would have
a more serious and long-lasting effect, no 'all is forgiven and forgotten'
that is a prerequisite for Neriman double-dealing. They have to forgive
themselves, before they can `risk` betraying someone else. Until they do
that, they will keep their distance to `protect` the other person. The
person they care about.~ She sighed again at the mess she'd found herself
... . . and her friends, in. It wasn't like their attempts to make Ranma
more comfortable with cats. It wasn't as if she could get people used to
being trusted by others without bad things happening.
"Although I _can_ point out that nothing bad has happened to you two
over the last few months," she told them. ~Unlike me,~ she thought
bitterly. "And Asuka has survived the years," she pointed out, "You both
keep you distance not because you don't care, but because you do." She
suspected they both `knew`, but it was different if someone _else_ told
them out loud. She almost wished for one of Shampoo's love potions.
Blindfold both of them, dose them, get out and lock the door behind her
before they could see.
Neither her companions, nor the walls made any useful reply.
----------------------------------------
"Doctor Akagi?!" Captain Casey said loudly, waking Ritsuko. She
glanced around the room.
"I do apologize," she said quickly. She realized she was in the ward
room, right where she was supposed to be.
"We haven't started the meeting yet," Casey said, "You must have
dozed off."
She nodded numbly. She was stunned, she'd arrived some 20 minutes
early to relax and get her thoughts together. She'd closed her eyes for a
moment, and found herself in a traditional dojo, confronting a black and
white striped saber-toothed tiger. It reminded her of the stories she'd
heard after the weretigers had attacked.
It had roared and charged. She'd been so surprised that she hadn't
been able to prevent it from knocking her over. When the expected rake
with claws or rend with teeth didn't come, she was even more confused. No
claws at all and the tiger's head butts avoided striking her with its
fangs. She'd gotten a firm grip on the tiger and tipped it over.
The two of them wrestled, chased each other, seemingly for hours . . .
~Then I was back in the wardroom, ~ she thought, ~I had a dream. I've
_never_ had a dream of my own!~ She composed herself to listen to the
ongoing repair efforts to the carrier. The hull damage was the principal
worry. She carefully pushed the idea of dreaming into the background.
"NERV SAR has numerous divers qualified, and for external repairs,
the EVA can simulate most metal forming techniques and can keep up with
the carrier while it is underway," she suggested. The Navy officers
looked at each other with a mix of amazement and horror. The idea a
'repair vessel' which could reach any part of the ship's hull and make
repairs seemed an idea none of them were comfortable with.
"Uh," Admiral Adams said. Ritsuko realized the mere presence of the
EVA and what they represented took the man out of his comfort zone.
~There are more things in Heaven and Earth, and aboard your ship,
than are dreamt of in your philosophy,~ she thought, she smirked at that.
"We'll take that under advisement, but most of the damage is above
the waterline."
"The EVA can help there too, if you need it. I don't think you have
the people to spare to continue the shooting and martial arts lessons."
She knew she had made her point, and Adams wanted to stick to the strictly
conventional for a while.
"Thank you, Doctor," Adams said oout of politeness, "I'd rather not
try to experiment while we're underway, however, please have the pilots
ready to assist if something goes seriously wrong."
"Both pilots available are experienced in Search and Rescue, and will
be standing by," she said, and let the matter drop.
----------------------------------------
And the people bowed and prayed to the neon God they made.
July 31, 1947
Jeff stood on the damaged flight deck, watching the city appear on
the horizon, their location clearer by the minute. Nabiki had been
watching Ritsuko watching Jeff. It was an odd and faintly irritating
tableau. She felt a little like a voyeur, and she thought she should grab
both of them and lock them in a room together. The age would be one thing
holding them apart, except they really weren't human, but they . . . it
all ran around her head until it gave her a headache. With the weather
clear, the battlegroup had reassembled and were providing them an escort.
Despite returning empty-handed. Nabiki doubted that anyone who actually
listened to the reports would object to that.
She was pleased about Ritsuko and Raccoon, she kept catching them
looking at each other when they thought no one else, especially the
recipient, was looking. Or reaching out and suddenly catching themselves.
It was frustrating to watch, it was as painful to watch as the same antics
in Nerima were amusing. But they were advancing, a thing the Nerimaniacs
never did. What was torture was she wanted to _do_ something about it,
but even there she was frustrated. She remembered the fathers' `plans`
that regularly ruined any progress Ranma and Akane made. She wondered if
her impulse to do was subconsciously _to_ damage any progress made. She
didn't know if she wanted then to get together as a couple, or if she
wanted Jeff and Ranma for herself, or if she wanted to toss Jeff off the
front of the carrier out of revulsion, or . . . or . . . or exactly what.
After the dream she had begun to realize what it would be like to be
stripped naked like that, totally vulnerable. Even if you _knew_ that the
other person would never use it, and was just as vulnerable to what you
knew. Her invasion had given her more answers, which proceeded to
thoroughly complicate the question.
The feeling of violation was the problem, for her as well. That he'd
trained her _specifically_ to make such an intrusion didn't make her feel
better about it, it still felt like rape. That `mommy` had been subtly
betrayed that way. Then Raccoon forced Ritsuko to violate him made both
of them very leery of each other. It made the whole thing touchier than
sweaty gelignite.
~Come _ON_!_~ she thought angrily, ~You're the expert! You made all
Nerima dance to your tune, what's so different about these two?~
~They aren't stupid, they aren't crazy, and you actually want Ritsuko
and you to be happy. Not merely entertained,~ her mind replied. She
considered digging that oh-so helpful bit out with a spoon. ~Thanks, now
give me something useful!~ she ordered.
----------------------------------------
'Raccoon!' Ritsuko started at Nabiki's call. She looked around
guiltily, wondering if anyone else had caught her mooning after her
`husband`. She watched Nabiki approach, she couldn't escape the image of
Kyoko, and her intense pride at her `daughter`, her first born. Tall,
proud, resourceful. ~That isn't any of it,~ Ritsuko wondered why she
hadn't gone mad, why `Raccoon` hadn't. Also missing was the intense aura
of anger and betrayal that Nabiki had exhibited lately.
"Are there any decent restaurants in that place?" Nabiki asked,
gesturing at Boston.
Jeff nodded. "Some very fine ones. I can take you on a tour of them,
for as long as we're here."
"Any good _Japanese_ restaurants?" Nabiki asked. Ritsuko edged over
to where they were talking, something didn't feel right about the whole
conversation.
"Not that I know of, some good Chinese restaurants, some even better
than the Cat Cafe."
Ritsuko felt a chill as she remembered the quality of the place she'd
never been. She could hardly believe it. She also could walk into the
Dragon's Council Guildhall and give the correct password to be accepted as
a full member, or at least a welcome visitor. She looked up, found
herself staring into those eyes. Both she and Jeff looked away quickly as
they made an unwanted connection.
~Telling him it wasn't his fault won't help. He knows, but he still
hurt someone he cares about, and I can't deny that it hurts,~ she thought,
~It hurts to look at him and it hurts to look away. It hurts so much!
God Almighty what a mess!~ She froze again. She'd never had any truck
with the `superstitions` of the people around her. Now she could feel the
comfort of believing in a higher power that wasn't hostile, uncaring,
treacherous, or was going to eat you. She still regarded the existence of
any such thing as a fable . . . but. . . .
She knew what she wanted to do, what nearly everybody had been
suggesting in pointed and not so pointed terms. Things that were more
real and comfortable than some God of the humans. But she couldn't do it,
not because it was wrong, which it was, or because it was inappropriate,
which it was, but because the basis was irrational, and it was
manipulative of someone weaker than she was. She refused to start down
Gendo's road of seeing others like pieces to be moved around.
"Rit-chan?" Nabiki's question drew her out of her thought chasing.
"Yes, Bess?" she asked, enjoyed the momentary frown, swiftly hidden.
So serious. So much like Kyoko.
"When - we - dock - would you like to go to dinner with the three of
us?" Nabiki asked in a clear tone of voice.
"Yes, of course," Ritsuko said, "You, me, Jeff and Maya?"
"Of course," Jeff said eagerly, the first real enthusiasm for
anything since the . . . incident.
~And that for more people around to dilute things,~ she thought sadly,
~As well as potential rivals.~ She wasn't blind to `Nab-chan's` confusion,
which the girl transmuted into anger. It seemed all four of them couldn't
make these kinds of decisions. She was beginning to think Jeff's joking
comment about a menage a non was the simplest solution from an immediate
personal standpoint, but the most difficult one to live with. ~Manage a
non,~ she thought archly. She wished things could work out more easily,
for all of them.
Sturm und Drang signifying . . . nothing Denouement
Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the characters from Ranma 1 / 2, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, Ah My Goddess, or the Lovecraft Cycle involved in these
stories.
C&C, MSTs are welcome
E-mail: dan_s.comments@worldnet.att.net
Stories are available in Rich Text Format and HTML at:
<http://home.att.net/~danjess.gibson>http://home.att.net/~danjess.gibson
(these are the most updated versions)
Stories are available in Plain ASCII at:
<http://archives.eyrie.org/anime/Ranma/Sic-Semper-Morituri/>http://archives.eyrie.org/anime/Ranma/Sic-Semper-Morituri/
ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma/Sic-Semper-Morituri/
<http://www.cs.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/ftp/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma/type/Sic-Sem>http://www.cs.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/ftp/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma/type/Sic-Semper-Morituri
(these are the original versions)
Author's Note: You might want to check out John St. C Patrick's Fan-art
'NERV Publicity still from aboard Coral Sea' on my site
<http://home.att.net/~danjess.gibson>http://home.att.net/~danjess.gibson
Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains
Within the sound of silence.
The Sound of Silence - Paul Simon
Chapter 44 - Sturm und Drang signifying . . . nothing Denouement
Hear my words that I might teach you
July 28, 1947
Nabiki withdrew her hand, listened for several moments to Jeff's
steady breathing. She'd done it, made the invasion, gotten the
information she wanted and gotten out, all without waking him. The
technique worked. Yesterday, or last week, she would have been shouting
huzzahs and doing handsprings, but somehow the victory seemed secondary.
Her initial probe had been carried along by a current in his mind that was
immensely stronger than she could have believed, she'd allowed herself to
get lost in it. Loving wife and mother, world-class and rightly feared
mover-and-shaker, desired courtesan of a highly inventive lover, it was an
intoxicating mix. More so because the one she wanted, wanted it for her.
She wondered if Ritsuko knew what she was missing. ~Oh course she does
you idiot!~ Nabiki thought to herself, ~The question is why not take
advantage of it? The answer: because it _is_ so powerful. 'Here's
everything you ever wanted, freely given.' There _has_ to be a catch!~
She resisted kissing or touching him, leaving the rest of the dream
as a gift. She slipped out of his cabin.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko quietly watched Nabiki slip out and move discreetly to her
own cabin. She heard no disturbance in Jeff's breathing and correctly
guessed he'd slept through whatever Nabiki had done. She wondered at
Nabiki's wistful expression at the doorway, unaware or not caring that
someone might be watching. She remembered smiling like that a few times
in the dream, she doubted Nabiki was doing _that_, especially since Jeff
hadn't woken up. It was a mystery she'd never solve unless she moved
quickly, in a day or two those two would talk it into knots. She would
see to it _they_ talked about it, in Nabiki's case at least. ~And what
about you talking?~ she squelched that thought instantly.
~Their tendencies to machinations involving everyone are rubbing off
on me,~ she thought, she could push them together as they pushed her to
Maya, and Shinji and Rei together, ~It would solve some of the problems,~
she thought, and smiled at her new idea.
----------------------------------------
~Yellow bird.~ Nabiki lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Next
to her, the good doctor sat in a chair, waiting. The dragon is only
afraid of the yellow bird, could the dream have been any more obvious?
She retained few of the memories from her `alternate` existence, there
were just too many to classify and correlate. But `Rit-chan` had all of
those memories and could recall them as if they were her own.
~Why is he afraid of me? Or is he afraid of any lover? What does he
think the yellow bird will do to him?~ she wondered. He was a house
husband: raising the children, supporting her activities and publishing
his own books, so it couldn't be gender roles.
She clearly remembered the fight they had had, she was lucky Rei made
her admission and intervened. She'd finally gotten under all his reserve
and tapped into the fury that made him and the others unstoppable in
battle. By any rational analysis he should have killed her that night.
He had plenty of opportunities, injuring Ranma and Kaworu to get at her.
But after he'd 'closed with the enemy', he hadn't 'destroyed' her,
considering what she had done in response, his self-control was more than
admirable, it had been unbelievable. ~So it couldn't be that,~ she mental
checked it off her list.
~Something, I'm trying too hard, it's something that wouldn't be
obvious because it _was_ so obvious,~ she considered. She rolled over and
closed her eyes to let her unconscious unravel the problem. It would give
her the answer in the morning, when she woke again at a _decent_ hour.
She reached out her hand and took Rit-chan's. She deserved an
explanation. ~She'll get one,~ Nabiki thought as she drifted off.
----------------------------------------
The sun shown on the school yard, a warm breeze slipped among the
trees as the birds sang.
Sari ran her beringed fingers through her silky, waist-length, auburn
hair. Her gold-flecked violet eyes twinkled with humor as the newest
pilot looked down on her soon-to-be victims. "Asuka will see who is the
best pilot, Ranma will see who is the world's greatest martial artist.
And with that dishwater Rei and Nabiki out of the way, I can pick and
choose which boys I want. Even Misato will lose Kaji to me." Her
laughter tinkled like silver bells.
Her head snapped back and then sideways, Ritsuko released the girl's
long tresses as she slid to the ground. Ritsuko removed her slide rule
from its case on her belt, positioned it over the dying girl's heart and,
with a grim joy, hammered it through her victim's chest and into the
ground with a few strokes of her clipboard.
She turned and looked at the thoroughly shocked Nabiki, who'd watched
the entire episode.
"This is what you've been doing? Sneaking into Jeff's room over the
last few nights?" Ritsuko asked.
"Dream training." Nabiki stared at the blood-spattered scientist,
"Control what you dream and other elements in it."
"Like sneaking up on the world's stupidest martial artist, and
snapping her neck like a twig?" Ritsuko asked with a broad smile. The
blood drops on her face making it particularly gruesome.
Nabiki nodded numbly. She couldn't do what Ritsuko had so easily
done.
"Well, you did say it was all a dream. I have been a little . . .
frustrated by recent events." Ritsuko brushed her hands off. "I just
remembered every stuck up `queen bee` of either gender I ever ran into in
school, especially at college." She smiled, took a deep breath as she
leaned against a tree. "I can't tell you how good that felt."
A wide-eyed Nabiki only nodded again.
"Well, well," the robed figure that suddenly appeared said, "Mother
and daughter chatting, how charming."
Almost two dozen other brown-robed figures had materialized out of
nothing.
"Oh Nabiki-chan!" Ritsuko said happily, "You shouldn't have!"
Ritsuko wrapped her arms around the trunk and uprooted the tree she'd
been leaning on. She swung the tree like a grand baseball bat.
Nabiki dove under the trunk as it swept by. The targets had no such
empty space as the crown of the tree crashed through them. There were
screams of pain, shouts of someone trying to cast a spell, and cries for
mommy or mercy. The tree descended on the entire group, again and again,
like a giant flyswatter. When Ritsuko lifted the tree high and cast it
aside, the robed figures had all vanished.
"That was fun," Ritsuko said as she smiled, "Anyone else?"
Nabiki only shook her head.
----------------------------------------
Take my arms that I might reach you.
Nabiki woke to the sounds and smells of breakfast, she remembered
bits and pieces of the dreams, an entire lifetime was too much to remember.
She was desperately trying to blot out the dream of Ritsuko the Barbarian.
But she did remember parts of both. She blushed at the memory, of
children, of making love, of all the day to day trials of home and family.
She opened her eyes and looked at the boy delivering her breakfast in bed,
as a peace offering. ~He hasn't changed,~ she thought, ~He's still
domestic. And food is forgiveness.~
"Hi," she said, shyly, uncomfortable with the idea that anyone
thought about her like that: wife, mother and lover. She understood more
of the problem between Rit-chan and him. She could imagine feeling like
this for the rest of her life. 'It was nice, but embarrassing,' `mommy`
had told her. ~Worse that you hadn't `earned it`,~ Nabiki added.
"Good morning, Bess."
She blushed more at his smile, considered how he was looking at her,
guiltily thought about Ranma.
"Relax," he told her, "Our strongest dreams are about things we want
and know we can't have."
Nabiki suddenly felt she'd been drenched with cold water. "What?
What do you mean by that?"
"In an ideal world, would I make a good husband and father? I
certainly hope so, I could undoubtedly be better than my own parents. I'm
a good match with your attitudes and opinions, and with Doctor Akagi's.
I'm flexible about the role of the breadwinner and rearing children. So I
could be a good match to a woman who loves her career. Do I want you
specifically, `that way` as Ranko put it? No, well . . . not necessarily.
You're pretty and clever, and you have no problem doing what you want, and
I assume you'd have no problem telling me how you want to be treated. You
certainly didn't last night."
Nabiki blushed furiously at the reminder, she pulled the covers over
her head. She could never imagine Ranma being so . . . ~Akane kept
calling Ranma a pervert,~ Nabiki thought, ~She's never met a gentleman.~
"Dr. Akagi's the same. There are worse things to base a permanent
relationship on."
"I hear a `but`, a big one." ~It's not fair,~ she thought.
"For you, there's your feelings for Saotome, I'd have to be blind not
to see them. Although you can't figure out if he likes you, or any girl,
for that matter. For Dr. Akagi . . . I'm not sure how deep the feelings
go, how she really feels about the entire idea," he sighed sadly, "There
are also laws, across Europe and across the United States that make it
illegal, it's called miscegenation, mixing races. Boston has those laws,
which would prevent Dr. Akagi from coming here, and which would prevent
you from going to Harvard, which I have been arranging, for after the
war."
"Thank you." A college education, even one from Harvard was cold
comfort compared to what the dream had offered. Despite watching Kasumi,
she'd never considered the nuts and bolts of home and family. He'd
offered almost exactly what she wanted. She wasn't strong enough to force
them, he'd done it automatically, for her. Altered the dream to
accommodate her. ~If one of the Nerimaniacs had done that, Ranma would
have married her in a heartbeat,~ she thought.
But she couldn't have it. "I can understand the _logic_ behind your
reticence," she said bitterly, "How noble you are to love chastely." She
lay back, pulled the blankets up to her chin.
"Oh I'm not that pure and noble, I have fantasies about Ranma not
deciding, so to get around it: I marry my old friend Langley, Ranma
marries you - after we all beat him into submission."
Nabiki laughed at that, she suspected it would take that kind of
violent directed action to get Ranma to act. Once he was married, he'd do
his best to be a good husband and father, but _getting_ him to that point
would take a major war, "And what? A menage a qua? All four of us?"
"All _nine_, Rei-Shinji, Ranko, Ritsuko-Maya. Menage a non," Jeff
said, "My French isn't up to that."
She laughed, climbed out of bed, hugging him from behind. "So, you
do love me," she teased.
"Careful, that's how it started with Rit . . . Ritsuko," he said
quickly, "As a friend, with all my heart. Right now, I need a friend. I
haven't the faintest idea what to do." He shook his head. "I don't want
to hurt you or Rit-chan, but all my ideas won't work. This isn't a battle,
or a technical question, or something I might have studied. I . . . just
don't know. Ridiculous, isn' it? If you need a laugh, I can tell you
some of my ideas. One was, let her simulate a loss of age to my age,
isn't that silly? As if _that_ would solve anything."
"So all we can be is friends," Nabiki pouted, only partially faking.
She wasn't used to this idea, someone caring for someone so much they'd
put their happiness aside for hers. ~Even if it was, just a dream,~ she
thought. The idea of being loved was a confusing one, she'd been feared,
respected, needed. Kasumi and Soun had cared about her as part of the
family, she wondered if Akane loved anyone beyond her own image of herself,
hating that she didn't and might never measure up to it.
~But Ritsuko, Rei, `Raccoon` are all hard, cold people, harder and
colder than the Ice Queen of Furikan could ever hope to be,~ she thought
~And they loved me, in different ways, daughter, sister, lover/friend.~ It
was hard to accept, harder still to reciprocate, she kept expecting the
hurt of loss, or a betrayal. But it never came. She wasn't sure if that
was worse or better.
"So, Asuka and Ritsuko are my rivals?" she teased, still holding on
to him.
"Langley's been a friend a long time, in the Dreamlands," he
explained, "We've huddled together for warmth on the Plateaus of Leng,
we've agreed and fought and argued. We've been friendly rivals and allies
longer than even Commander Fuyutsuki's been alive, but there's no romance
there. Ranko's pretty, but there's more fun teaching her. Letting her
grow into a confident, competent young woman. When she realizes being a
'lady' doesn't mean being weak, the entire male population better watch
out. My cousin Jenny is a real lady. I wouldn't want to fight her, or
shoot against her. I'd lose. Rei . . . if Rei wasn't so smitten with
Shinji, _she_ might be a rival."
Nabiki stood there, holding him, considering, ~Am I entertaining
these thoughts as a way of making Ranma jealous, or am I reacting to an
open and obvious declaration, and a safe alternative if Ranma never says
or does anything?~ Frankly, she wanted both of them, Ranma was better
looking and he was Japanese, but he was no challenge to her intellectually.
She liked having someone around she had to really work at to beat, but who
wasn't an enemy. She also suspected that she or Ranma would have to give
up too much to properly raise the children, to give them a home. But that
was `Raccoon's` passion. ~He's more like Kasumi than I am,~ she thought.
The idea of homemaking didn't appeal to her, and she suspected Ranma would
want time to go on training trips to visit other dojos to learn new
techniques, that didn't match running a school or raising a family. She
didn't know when the laws he mentioned would be repealed, if that would
make a difference. She didn't know if Ritsuko and Jeff's relationship was
based on something she couldn't offer, or if it was just her being jealous.
She did notice he hadn't answered that part of her question.
Rei and Shinji had gravitated to each other almost as much as they
were pushed together. ~A place they could hide from the rest of us,~ she
thought. Maya and Ritsuko had been harder, but they were all working on
it. ~But what about me? Am I not fighting because I don't think I'm
worth it?~ she asked herself, ~Am I dithering with Ranma because I don't
know for sure he wants me?~ She was honest enough to discern that she
wasn't used to this and all her intellect . . . wasn't what her heart was,
and what it was telling her, and both mind and heart kept changing their
opinions. She chuckled at that.
"Something funny?" he asked.
She hugged him closer, "Just thinking about Ranma, his harem and
_his_ indecision. I think I finally understand him, he finally had people
who seemed to care about him and wanted him to think well of them. I also
think I understand you as well, you two are a lot alike, maybe too much.
He didn't decide because he didn't want _any_ of those relationships to
end. Now _I'm_ doing the same thing."
"For all his faults, Saotome will still be a friend if you choose
someone else, so will I. We're much alike that way. Besides," he reached
behind, putting his arms around her waist, "I enjoy your indecision. We
don't have to decide, not yet, not any of us."
She kissed his neck, "When we get home, I think I'm going to go climb
into Ranma's bed, just give him a shock." She laughed as she walked away.
"Kiss him," Jeff suggested.
She enjoyed the warm feelings. There were heavy costs to letting
people get close, Hiroko was one. Feeling the pain that the others felt
from their losses hurt too, but it was better than it had been, isolated,
walled off, alone, and always wondering what anyone who approached her
wanted, their motives. And it was never friendship, or romance. ~Here,~
she smiled as she thought about it, ~Here, it is _so_ different.
Unfortunately it complicates rather than simplifies things.~
"I don't think I can forgive you from what you've done," Nabiki
admitted, "But I think I understand _why_ you did it."
"Really, then would you tell me?" Jeff asked, "And forgiveness isn't
for me, it's about you not carrying that weight on your soul. It also
doesn't mean that you ignore what I did."
"Do you have to turn _everything_ into a lecture, do you have any
idea how irritating that is?"
"No."
Nabiki frowned at the Rei-like tone and posture. "Would you like a
free flight to Boston? I think I can bounce you off the Liberty Bell.
Would that ring your chimes?"
He remained silent, which Nabiki took as a good sign. "I think you
subconsciously blocked out the possibility, you want a family so bad, that
you bypassed a likely consequence."
"So that makes it all better, 'Fo'give this po' sinner, th' Devil
made me do it'," he said disgustedly.
"No," Nabiki said fiercely, "I was explaining, not excusing. The
only person who can forgive you is Rit-chan."
He pulled away from her, stood a distance away. The memories were
rapidly fading, but Nabiki easily recognized _that_ pose: 'Mulish
Martyrdom', better to suffer than trouble others. Ranma sometimes got the
same way, it was childish and frustrating from either of them. "You
_know_ she won't turn away from you, you _know_ she won't reject you.
Hell, I bet she'll know what you're going to say before you say it."
"Then - "
"Because it's important for her to _hear_ you say it and for you to
actually _listen_ to what she says in return," Nabiki cut him off, "Look,
if you want absolution, go see a priest, if you want forgiveness go see
Ritsuko. If you want an explanation, and a warning, I just gave you one.
You're going to overreact when family is a subject on the table, and our
enemies seem to know that and they can use it against you." She vaguely
remembered the dreams where 'little Nabiki' had played with and been with
Rit-chan. She could easily imagine that loneliness in others.
Everyone wondered where the `Ice Queen` came from. The truth was,
she was always there. Nabiki was always the outsider, even in her own
family, even when everything was `perfect` while mommy was alive. She
could imagine someone using that against her in Nerima, it would have been
the only weapon that would have pierced her armor. She didn't like how
schizophrenic she felt about all of this. She wanted to hurt him for what
he'd done to Rit-chan, she rationalized that the only thing holding her
back was that it would be a relief for him.
She also wanted that warm and safe feeling she'd had with him and
Ranma cuddled with her. It was the first time in her life she'd felt that
special, that important, to anyone. And it was to people who had no
reason to stay with her, to want her . . . company. They'd repeatedly
made choices to keep her around, to stay together. She didn't ask, didn't
threaten, they did it because _they_ wanted to, she'd heard them talk
about it. The conversation usually went 'Nab-chan won't like it', 'We do
something else, right?' 'Yes.'
She also wanted `mommy` to have that feeling family, but why Ritsuko
rather than Nabiki? Because Ritsuko needed it more, because Nabiki didn't
deserve it, both, neither, something else too or instead? It frustrated
her how she could figure out anyone or everyone else, except herself. She
wondered if that was what drove the Nerimaniacs, that they didn't know
their own hearts, they pursued impossible things so ardently because the
pursuit was a way of avoiding the question of 'what do I do when I
catch . . . ?' "Fill in the blank."
"Okay," Jeff said, "You find me as handsome as Gable, as witty as
Mencken, as suave as Powell, and a military genius to rival either George.
And you're stuck deciding which feature to idolize first."
"Let's not forget that you're also the modestest person in the entire
universe," Nabiki replied, "Actually I don't know any of the people you
were talking about. I actually was wondering how to arrange for you and
Rit-chan to get together, or if I want you to keep my house and raise my
kids while Ranma and I travel the world and have grand adventures."
"Don't forget Ranko, she'll want to go along too."
Nabiki shook her head. "Ranma _is_ Ranko."
"They aren't the same person. Do you think Ranma could _ever_ have
done that healing job, that first night? He would have been petrified at
the thought of it. No, Ranko had to do it." He paused to consider. "I
_have_ wondered why I've so rarely seen both of them at once. You don't
think Ranko is avoiding Ranma? I know she's got a crush on him, maybe
even loves him, but I doubt Ranma feels the same, he seems almost jealous
of Ranko."
Nabiki felt a headache coming on. It was like talking to Kuno or her
little sister. Certain things transcended mere proof, it didn't help that
Jeff had _never_ seen the transformation. "Do you have any idea what a
migraine I get every time you bring this up?"
"You brought it up, not I. I still don't know what you have against
Ranko. She's vivacious and beautiful, she seems a little intimidated by
you, but then so does Ranma. Hey! Maybe she's trying to make you jealous.
Carrying on 'Look what I can do with someone else!'"
"She's got you all wrapped up!" Nabiki shouted back, furious at her
lack of control over both her own emotions, and `Raccoon`. ~Of course
`Ranko` does it so effortlessly,~ she thought angrily, ~There is _no_ way
Ranma could do that.~ She shook her head. ~Now he's almost got me
convinced,~ she thought resentfully, she couldn't believe Ranma was
beating her at her best game. But Raccoon seemed immune to most of _her_
efforts and putty in Ran . . . ko's hands.
~The world hates me,~ she thought morosely, ~Either famine or feast.~
She considered her options, discarding all the unreasonable ideas, and was
still left with an insoluble problem. Jeff's joke about a menage a non
remained the only `simple` solution, and it would yield an incredible
number of problems.
"So, you're attracted to Rei, eh?" Nabiki decided a spate of teasing
would be a more profitable line of inquiry.
"And Langley, yes."
"But not Misato?" she asked quirked an eyebrow at his sour expression,
"Definitely not Misato."
"There's an exceptionally rude term: six pack, something you hand
around to your buddies for a good time and an interesting diversion during
halftime, but not worth missing the game over," Jeff said, "I've met only
one woman who so clearly meets those criteria."
"Ouch," Nabiki said in mock sympathy for their commander. She found
it amusing that none of the boy pilots was all that interested in the
major topic of the other junior high boys' fantasies. Shinji was her
caretaker, Ranma couldn't be bothered, and Jeff hated her guts and the
rest of her. "So if she threw herself at you. . .?"
"I'd still charge her a dollar for the opener," he replied, "I'd
rather curl up with a giant rattlesnake, at least we could talk recipes."
----------------------------------------
Nabiki had been the only `senior` member of NERV who could act as a
spokesman. She'd politely refused every request for an interview with
Stars and Stripes or dinner or anything social with any of the Captains or
Admirals. 'The aftermath of the Angel activity left some serious
repercussions among the pilots and senior staff who'd come in close
contact with the Great Old One', then she refused to explain further after
assuring everyone there was no danger of contamination and NERV had the
situation well under control. It actually felt good lying through her
teeth and `massaging` the truth. The fact the military censors approved
wholeheartedly, even encouraged her, was actually a bit of a
disappointment, but she was still `being a good girl` even when she'd
submerged herself totally in her old ways. To the Admiral and his senior
staff she still dissembled, a bit. The Angel had done something, to all
the pilots if NERV reports were to be believed. Special weapons were used
and that was it, but those weapons weren't without significant
side-effects, hence their limited availability and the bizarre behavior
that followed. 'Maya wasn't fully cleared and look what happened to her.'
The shiver from all they veterans told Nabiki she'd done her best,
questions would be kept to a minimum, and they would go through her.
No one was really satisfied with that and her former firearms
instructors had gotten a reminder about things they hadn't been willing to
do to train her, the embarrassing and painful things. NERV couldn't
afford such scruples against and Angel. Those men went away to speculate.
----------------------------------------
Jeff spotted Ritsuko, sitting alone on one of the few undamaged
portions of Bennington's flight deck, just enjoying the wind in her hair.
He thought about how beautiful and happy she looked, serene even. He
hated the thought of disrupting that, as he walked towards her. Jeff
didn't want to fight with Ritsuko, but he didn't want to gloss over the
things he and Nabiki had seen on their mission to return Cthylla to her
temple, and he had to talk to her about something. He suspected that
Nabiki hadn't noticed, she'd wanted out as quick as possible. She also
had no real training as an engineer, except for the training she'd gotten
from Major ggreg. She also hadn't gone out that time, he had.
The damage to the buildings had been recent, the breaks in the
stonework in the temple were recent.
"You knew what we'd find," he said, he took a tone that was not
accusatory. It had been weird knowing how someone would react in nearly
any situation, but they didn't know you. It was weirder knowing someone
would know exactly what _you_ would do, and you knew they knew, and they
knew that you knew, ad infinitum. If you were married, it might be Heaven,
if you were trying to stay emotionally distant, it was Hell.
"Maybe, what is your hypothesis?" She wasn't trying to evade, she
wanted to know all he had figured out, what she would have to tell him,
what she'd have to correct.
"The shoggoths told you they wanted freedom from their Deep One
masters but they still venerated Cthylla. So Cthulhu's deepest secret was
revealed to you. An Angel to study for a few days, they would launch
their attack while she was `safe` aboard a human aircraft carrier, guarded
by two pilots and an EVA. Then you'd figure out a way to have us put it
back. That was an honor guard waiting for us, even Nabiki thinks so.
They weren't chasing us. They were escorting us."
"You object?" Ritsuko turned to face him.
"What benefit did we gain?" he asked, sat down on the deck next to
her.
"Are you saying that everything has to benefit NERV and the human
race?"
"That city . . . ," he realized, "That was where your rebellion
started. The Elder Things sank the city they'd taken from the Flying
Polyps to try and forestall the beginning of the rebellion. Was it
Concord or Lexington?"
She considered, "They didn't sink it, we did, when we took it from
the Flying Polyps, and it was . . . Fort Ticonderoga, a source of weapons
for our war," she suggested, her face screwed up, "I never realized I'd
know such things, my knowledge of American History used to be poor. It
was important, maybe it doesn't do anything, but the Deep Ones are a
bigger threat than an isolated cult of Shoggoths way out in an isolated
area. There also is the idea that the pilots can be negotiated with, the
Shoggoths will explain it to Cthylla and she will feed the information
back to Cthulhu."
"So we might have another Great Old One opting out?" Jeff asked, he
didn't disguise his admiration and understanding. He hugged her carefully
and released her very quickly. "Okay. I do think you should tell Nabiki,
privately of course."
"Of course," she agreed, smiled shyly, "It's tough, isn't it?"
"Lusting after a beautiful woman I'm in love with? What do you
think?" He frowned.
"I think you don't have it as bad as I do," she replied, "I've always
wanted to be able to trust someone. I thought I could trust Rei, then I
couldn't. Now I can again and . . . " She sighed.
"And you can't have that person either."
She smiled at him. "You heard Nabiki's plan?" she asked.
"Thought of it myself, turn you into a teenager. How would Gendo
react to that?"
"Some problems can't be taken into account."
----------------------------------------
July 29, 1947
But my words like silent raindrops fell
"Don't you understand?" Ritsuko asked as they stood, sat or paced,
each according to their temper, in the empty ordinance room, "That thing
that attacked you aboard the Coral Sea," she looked at the faces around
her, "That's what I am!"
"There were two, I engaged one, it eventually died," Jeff said, "You
killed the other one, didn't you? Who was it after? Me and Shinji?
Saotome? You tore it to pieces and disposed of the body."
Ritsuko was mainly aware of the smiling girl hugging her tightly, and
Maya approaching her coyly, more embarrassed than horrified. Her
demonstration hadn't created the raw and visceral horror it should have,
Maya had actually started looking for a bucket.
"I'm not something safe," Ritsuko said desperately, "I _am_ a
shoggoth," she hissed, was shocked by the continued lack of reaction.
Nabiki had `called` this meeting to clear the air among them.
"First, they don't know the history of what that is," Jeff said.
"Wrong." Nabiki moved to arms length, still holding Ritsuko's hands.
"I don't _care_. When . . . when Hiroko . . . I remember the people who
held me. Who let me cry like a baby or scream at the unfair world. I
remember who made sure that I wasn't abandoned by the world. After all
the weird stuff, that was more important."
Ritsuko shook her head.
"You seem to be the only one who doesn't understand that having two
human gamete donors doesn't automatically make you a fully paid-up member
of the human race," Jeff told her, "Doctor. Ikari Gendo and Katsuragi
Misato are good examples. Despite their origins, they are less 'human'
than you are."
"I don't argue," Maya said, tears running down her cheeks, smiling
broadly.
Ritsuko looked at the insane people around her, the _clearly_ insane
people around her, they plainly didn't understand what she was trying to
tell them.
"The only one concerned about this - " Nabiki said, "Is you."
"Not completely true, it will take some time to fully adjust," Jeff
said, "But after how you have put yourself forward, we're willing to
extend your tab. We know _who_ you are, now we know better what you are,
but that's less important. We do need a little time to absorb it, and get
used to it. But we aren't going to abandon you."
"So says my husband and the father of my children?" Ritsuko asked, "I
can't be that. However much it would - simplify - things."
"That isn't what I asked," Jeff replied, "I apologize for what
happened. It has been pointed out . . . " He glanced at Nabiki. "That I
should make amends."
"One loss and you're too rattled to make decisions?" Nabiki teased.
"Nab-chan," Ritsuko said, "It isn't that simple." She stared at
Nabiki. "Having opportunity and motive is not the same as committing the
crime. As your experience shows. You had your chance, and did nothing.
Why, in your case? Don't try to make up for that by pushing someone else."
"Did you get that from him, or yourself?" Nabiki asked sourly.
"Why - both," Ritsuko teased, ruffled Nabiki's hair.
"The point is . . . "
"The point is, I don't think punishment is appropriate. More than
you've already done to yourself, and incidently, the rest of us."
That set Jeff squirming as he stood there.
"The rest of us?" Nabiki asked a trifle _too_ innocently.
Ritsuko hadn't considered the effect that knowing approximately what
Nabiki was thinking and feeling would have on her opinion of the girl.
She discerned that Nabiki was desperately trying to smooth things over,
before they became uncomfortable to her. ~Read personal,~ Ritsuko thought,
~Especially tender and private.~. She'd never considered fear was even
_part_ of Nabiki's make up, let alone a major motivator. "We can't go
back to status quo ante, but we aren't going to walk around hating and
fearing each other for a mistake that was a mistake."
"Unless it wasn't," Jeff said morosely.
"You really like drawing out your martyr complex," Ritsuko complained.
"Humility does strange things to people," Nabiki said. "Why
don't you try it some time?" Jeff asked her.
"Children!" Ritsuko shouted, preventing WW3, "You and I both know you
did the best with the information at hand. I should have _never_ gone
alone into that room. After you two collapsed I shouldn't . . . " She
wanted to tell them she shouldn't have gone in to negotiate their release.
That she should never have expected mercy or understanding.
"Tears." Nabiki touched her face. "A human reaction. A nonhuman
would have no need. Someone asked you once. 'How close does a simulation
have to be, before it is _legally_ treated as real?' What about
emotionally?" Jeff's arms encircled her waist, and he rested his head on
her shoulder. It wasn't the reaction of a lover, but a friend. The
others joined in. The feeling was warm, it _was_ what she'd really wanted.
~Why am I frightened?~ she wondered. Ritsuko had Nabiki and Maya holding
her front, Jeff clinging to her side. She couldn't understand it, she
just gave up and accepted it.
"I do understand why you made your deal," Nabiki walked with her two
allies across the deck of the ordinance room, Ritsuko held among them.
"But _we_ put it back," Nabiki hadn't left her side and had Ritsuko's
arm draped over her shoulders. Jeff was also close, because Ritsuko had
her other arm across his shoulders, and occasionally around the two
pilots' throats, she wasn't sure if she wanted to thank or kill them
sometimes.
"I'll settle for both of you safe," she said quietly, looking up at
the gray metal and lights. She couldn't imagine the power necessary to
change from hurricane to blue skies, the demonstration of dominance was
obvious from the highest Admiral to the lowliest Seaman Recruit. The
severe but controlled damage to the ultimate expression of _human_ power,
when facing the capacities of an enraged Great Old One, chastened everyone.
Maya stood away from 'mother and children' by a short distance. When
Ritsuko glanced back at her, Maya looked absurdly pleased with the tableau.
Ritsuko wasn't sure what to think, but she thought her charges deserved to
know the truth and the parts especially important to her. "I was . . . I
don't remember when I became aware, a long time ago. I began to resent
being used as a slave."
"You were part of the rebellion," Jeff added, for the others.
"Yes, millions of years ago," Ritsuko said.
"The war between the Elder Things and their created slaves, the
Shoggoths. The Shoggoths lost."
"Many were destroyed," Ritsuko told them, "They had a special penalty
for some of the leaders. I was shattered, split into dozens or hundreds
of pieces of various sizes. I wasn't aware of the passage of time, not
like humans are. For a long time I spent much of my time dodging the
other pieces of myself who had been sent out to destroy me. Unlike the
others of my kind, I couldn't absorb other pieces to grow larger, nor
could I reproduce by meiosis, that is budding. That was a more disturbing
penalty than you can imagine. It was a constant torture, that may be what
enhanced or exercised my intellect, but I knew I would never be one of my
own kind, not anymore," she chuckled, "Some of my `pieces` simply left,
submerging themselves in other identities," she sobered slightly, "One
even became a penguin." She smiled at having tricked `Raccoon` so long.
~I had to have some way to look after Misato didn't I?~ she thought to
herself.
Nabiki reached over and poked Jeff. "Now your little revelation
about hydroquinone and meiosis," she told him.
"That sounds like fun," Ritsuko said.
----------------------------------------
Nabiki sat in her cabin, in bed, staring at the ceiling. ~I can't
believe I'm still in this mess. I got them talking,~ she thought, ~Now I
need to get them together, _doing_ something that shows the other that
they _can_ be trusted, by me, by each other. All that work and only a
baby step in the right direction, now Rit-chan is pushing _me_ and Raccoon
together.~ She covered her face with her pillow.
~You also need to understand what _your_ feeling are,~ she reminded
herself.
"I am going to find you," Nabiki told this helpful little voice in
her head, "And then . . . bwah ha ha!"
Then the realization hit her, a pattern of behavior that had already
been put in place. She'd been unable to control the events, because she
was the initiating element. "You're right, I am an idiot," she said
quietly.
~You're welcome. Great now I'm talking to myself!~ she thought.
She did remember that the boy who cried wolf didn't get in trouble
the _first_ time. She took a deep breath, and emitted the loudest, most
bloodcurdling scream she could. She wrapped the blanket over her
shoulders and stared blankly. She faced the door, waiting.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko heard the cries from Nabiki's cabin. She'd rushed to the
room, this time, Jeff was close behind her. Nabiki was awake and hugging
herself tightly and shivering. She looked at the pair of them with those
eyes. Jeff ignored the implied protest and sat on the edge of the bed,
speaking in low tones and stroking her hair.
Ritsuko had a different mission. ~I'll have to admit it,~ she
thought as she signaled the Marine Corporal of the guard, she needed
another bed or cot delivered to Nabiki's room. The Marine didn't
speculate, he simply sent a man off to get one. She returned quickly to
Nabiki's cabin. Nabiki was talking quietly about her nightmare, how it
_really_ wasn't a problem while she hugged herself and shivered. ~She's
lying through her teeth,~ Ritsuko thought, ~I can almost _see_ the dark
red 'conversation block'.~ That was another disturbing thing, suddenly
`finding` herself with none of the secondary and tertiary sense responses,
it was like suddenly being blinded, deafened, and given anosmia. She'd
been tempted to `rewire` her sense organs to provide the additional
information. She'd decided against it. ~Although it will be a
fascinating subject for study,~ she thought idly as she watched Jeff with
his hand on Nabiki's shoulder. Now he listened to her, speaking only to
draw the girl out further. Ritsuko kept `remembering` her husband looking
out for the kids, their kids. The monsters under the bed got a thrashing
with the fire poker from daddy as he climbed around there and hunted them.
But thunder, typhoon, and earthquakes got the gentle words and stroking
the hair and the shoulder, usually while the child clung to mommy, until
the child calmed and went back to sleep. If it was bad, the whole family
decamped to mommy and daddy's room to spend the night.
She shook her head at the memory, but she had to admit, it worked and
was working. Nabiki had slept without bad dreams when she and Jeff were
in the room. Ritsuko wondered if she should simply move all four of them
into a single large room. Maya too had bad dreams, and 'Sempai' being
close seemed to drive them away.
The cot arrived, Ritsuko set it up and let Jeff settle in. He still
held Nabiki's hand as she drifted off. Ritsuko thanked the sailors who
brought the cot and sent them away, closing the door behind them. She
sighed quietly, desperately glad she didn't really need sleep, because she
wouldn't have gotten much in the last few days.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko watched Nabiki and Jeffrey sleep. She thought it would be
perfectly reasonable to climb into bed and snuggle up to her husband and
smother their daughter's fears. She shook the thought away, because it
wasn't hers. Worse than the temporary contamination, which had diminished
steadily as time passed, until almost nothing remained. Her uncertainty
and confusion had begun the instant she woke naked, with Maya on her arm.
Then the rage at what Jeffrey had done to her, followed by how he'd
pacified her. She saw the same apologetic expression, felt the same touch
she'd felt a thousand times before, reminding her that she was safe and
loved, even if he COULD BE SO _IRRITATING_!_ Then she realized those
memories and feelings weren't hers, they weren't truly even his, but part
of a dream.
But they seemed so real. Not events but feelings, emotions. The
times they'd argued, even fought, the times she'd looked so awful, eight
months pregnant, circles under her eyes, hair by mixmaster, stinking of
sweat and soil, and through it all he still loved her, still looked after
her . . . his beloved wife. Now she had all these emotions, all his
deepest emotions and spiritual secrets, the secret hopes and dreams, all
the good and bad times in his life. All cataloged and at her fingertips.
It was worse than reading his diary/journal because she knew how he
felt at each moment, less at the mundane times, mainly the peaks and
valleys of his life. The dream was the worst, normally cool and collected,
during the dream his emotions ran riot, his feelings for his wife and
children ran red-hot, and raw with their loss. Even the knowledge it was
an illusion failed to dim the vision, the strength of the feelings, or the
pain of loss. Now she felt it all. What had been an interesting and
humorous story, was as real to her as it was to him, and just as
impossible to ignore. It would have been an immense boost to her ego,
_knowing_ she could be loved like that, so completely. That someone
tolerated all her faults and still cared, saw her at her worst and stayed
with her. Would suffer all sorts of indignity and embarrassment, and
count it as balanced that she was there with him at the end of the day.
Also embarrassing and interesting, the memories of making love, her
dominant with him as the seducer, which he'd used when she wanted to rip
his head off for revealing her true form to Maya and Nabiki. More
embarrassing still were the techniques and tactics she'd used in the dream
to seduce him. She suddenly realized she'd been stroking his hair and
yanked her hand away.
~This is going to be troublesome,~ she thought.
----------------------------------------
And echoed in the wells of silence
July 30, 1947
Nabiki abruptly sat up and slapped her head, remembering Raccoon's
photo album. She saw Ritsuko's look of concern and felt Raccoon sitting
up next to her. "I'm a dunce," she told them, the silence and the two
contemplative looks did nothing for her ego. "Your photo album, everybody
you'd cared about has been lost." Raccoon frowned and flopped back down,
turning away from her. Nabiki turned to Ritsuko, "So _of_course_ he
doesn't want to get close to you. He's afraid of losing you too."
Ritsuko paled and nodded her head. Nabiki shook her head. "How stupid am
I for not remembering that?"
"I'd prefer if you hadn't," Raccoon replied.
Nabiki wanted to do something about his feelings, while she
considered the deeper question, ~How do I overcome that?~
"Yesterday, we talked about a rebellion. You were on the losing side,
and you were `designed` as an administrator, then you were probably an
instigator or even a leader." She waited for Ritsuko to nod. "You feel
you've betrayed your 'loyal followers'."
Ritsuko confirmed Nabiki's suspicions by looking blank and turning
away.
~So she betrayed those she cared about her, even by just
surviving . . . ~ she thought. "What - a - mess!" she said quietly as she
dropped back on her bunk. ~Okay,~ she thought, ~How do I untangle this
mess?!~ She considered how to overcome the division between the pair.
~Stupid Nabiki, really stupid! Kuno-stupid! Mousse-stupid! Why didn't I
consider that?~ she asked herself. It was a much harder problem to deal
with. If she _had_ a solution, she had both people right here to work on
it, but shedidn't have one. Another opportunity lost, she hated that.
~In Nerima, even Ranma `betrayed` his allies without real concern,
such trickery was considered an effective tactic. Here, people make
long-term alliances, the loss or betrayal of those arrangements would have
a more serious and long-lasting effect, no 'all is forgiven and forgotten'
that is a prerequisite for Neriman double-dealing. They have to forgive
themselves, before they can `risk` betraying someone else. Until they do
that, they will keep their distance to `protect` the other person. The
person they care about.~ She sighed again at the mess she'd found herself
... . . and her friends, in. It wasn't like their attempts to make Ranma
more comfortable with cats. It wasn't as if she could get people used to
being trusted by others without bad things happening.
"Although I _can_ point out that nothing bad has happened to you two
over the last few months," she told them. ~Unlike me,~ she thought
bitterly. "And Asuka has survived the years," she pointed out, "You both
keep you distance not because you don't care, but because you do." She
suspected they both `knew`, but it was different if someone _else_ told
them out loud. She almost wished for one of Shampoo's love potions.
Blindfold both of them, dose them, get out and lock the door behind her
before they could see.
Neither her companions, nor the walls made any useful reply.
----------------------------------------
"Doctor Akagi?!" Captain Casey said loudly, waking Ritsuko. She
glanced around the room.
"I do apologize," she said quickly. She realized she was in the ward
room, right where she was supposed to be.
"We haven't started the meeting yet," Casey said, "You must have
dozed off."
She nodded numbly. She was stunned, she'd arrived some 20 minutes
early to relax and get her thoughts together. She'd closed her eyes for a
moment, and found herself in a traditional dojo, confronting a black and
white striped saber-toothed tiger. It reminded her of the stories she'd
heard after the weretigers had attacked.
It had roared and charged. She'd been so surprised that she hadn't
been able to prevent it from knocking her over. When the expected rake
with claws or rend with teeth didn't come, she was even more confused. No
claws at all and the tiger's head butts avoided striking her with its
fangs. She'd gotten a firm grip on the tiger and tipped it over.
The two of them wrestled, chased each other, seemingly for hours . . .
~Then I was back in the wardroom, ~ she thought, ~I had a dream. I've
_never_ had a dream of my own!~ She composed herself to listen to the
ongoing repair efforts to the carrier. The hull damage was the principal
worry. She carefully pushed the idea of dreaming into the background.
"NERV SAR has numerous divers qualified, and for external repairs,
the EVA can simulate most metal forming techniques and can keep up with
the carrier while it is underway," she suggested. The Navy officers
looked at each other with a mix of amazement and horror. The idea a
'repair vessel' which could reach any part of the ship's hull and make
repairs seemed an idea none of them were comfortable with.
"Uh," Admiral Adams said. Ritsuko realized the mere presence of the
EVA and what they represented took the man out of his comfort zone.
~There are more things in Heaven and Earth, and aboard your ship,
than are dreamt of in your philosophy,~ she thought, she smirked at that.
"We'll take that under advisement, but most of the damage is above
the waterline."
"The EVA can help there too, if you need it. I don't think you have
the people to spare to continue the shooting and martial arts lessons."
She knew she had made her point, and Adams wanted to stick to the strictly
conventional for a while.
"Thank you, Doctor," Adams said oout of politeness, "I'd rather not
try to experiment while we're underway, however, please have the pilots
ready to assist if something goes seriously wrong."
"Both pilots available are experienced in Search and Rescue, and will
be standing by," she said, and let the matter drop.
----------------------------------------
And the people bowed and prayed to the neon God they made.
July 31, 1947
Jeff stood on the damaged flight deck, watching the city appear on
the horizon, their location clearer by the minute. Nabiki had been
watching Ritsuko watching Jeff. It was an odd and faintly irritating
tableau. She felt a little like a voyeur, and she thought she should grab
both of them and lock them in a room together. The age would be one thing
holding them apart, except they really weren't human, but they . . . it
all ran around her head until it gave her a headache. With the weather
clear, the battlegroup had reassembled and were providing them an escort.
Despite returning empty-handed. Nabiki doubted that anyone who actually
listened to the reports would object to that.
She was pleased about Ritsuko and Raccoon, she kept catching them
looking at each other when they thought no one else, especially the
recipient, was looking. Or reaching out and suddenly catching themselves.
It was frustrating to watch, it was as painful to watch as the same antics
in Nerima were amusing. But they were advancing, a thing the Nerimaniacs
never did. What was torture was she wanted to _do_ something about it,
but even there she was frustrated. She remembered the fathers' `plans`
that regularly ruined any progress Ranma and Akane made. She wondered if
her impulse to do was subconsciously _to_ damage any progress made. She
didn't know if she wanted then to get together as a couple, or if she
wanted Jeff and Ranma for herself, or if she wanted to toss Jeff off the
front of the carrier out of revulsion, or . . . or . . . or exactly what.
After the dream she had begun to realize what it would be like to be
stripped naked like that, totally vulnerable. Even if you _knew_ that the
other person would never use it, and was just as vulnerable to what you
knew. Her invasion had given her more answers, which proceeded to
thoroughly complicate the question.
The feeling of violation was the problem, for her as well. That he'd
trained her _specifically_ to make such an intrusion didn't make her feel
better about it, it still felt like rape. That `mommy` had been subtly
betrayed that way. Then Raccoon forced Ritsuko to violate him made both
of them very leery of each other. It made the whole thing touchier than
sweaty gelignite.
~Come _ON_!_~ she thought angrily, ~You're the expert! You made all
Nerima dance to your tune, what's so different about these two?~
~They aren't stupid, they aren't crazy, and you actually want Ritsuko
and you to be happy. Not merely entertained,~ her mind replied. She
considered digging that oh-so helpful bit out with a spoon. ~Thanks, now
give me something useful!~ she ordered.
----------------------------------------
'Raccoon!' Ritsuko started at Nabiki's call. She looked around
guiltily, wondering if anyone else had caught her mooning after her
`husband`. She watched Nabiki approach, she couldn't escape the image of
Kyoko, and her intense pride at her `daughter`, her first born. Tall,
proud, resourceful. ~That isn't any of it,~ Ritsuko wondered why she
hadn't gone mad, why `Raccoon` hadn't. Also missing was the intense aura
of anger and betrayal that Nabiki had exhibited lately.
"Are there any decent restaurants in that place?" Nabiki asked,
gesturing at Boston.
Jeff nodded. "Some very fine ones. I can take you on a tour of them,
for as long as we're here."
"Any good _Japanese_ restaurants?" Nabiki asked. Ritsuko edged over
to where they were talking, something didn't feel right about the whole
conversation.
"Not that I know of, some good Chinese restaurants, some even better
than the Cat Cafe."
Ritsuko felt a chill as she remembered the quality of the place she'd
never been. She could hardly believe it. She also could walk into the
Dragon's Council Guildhall and give the correct password to be accepted as
a full member, or at least a welcome visitor. She looked up, found
herself staring into those eyes. Both she and Jeff looked away quickly as
they made an unwanted connection.
~Telling him it wasn't his fault won't help. He knows, but he still
hurt someone he cares about, and I can't deny that it hurts,~ she thought,
~It hurts to look at him and it hurts to look away. It hurts so much!
God Almighty what a mess!~ She froze again. She'd never had any truck
with the `superstitions` of the people around her. Now she could feel the
comfort of believing in a higher power that wasn't hostile, uncaring,
treacherous, or was going to eat you. She still regarded the existence of
any such thing as a fable . . . but. . . .
She knew what she wanted to do, what nearly everybody had been
suggesting in pointed and not so pointed terms. Things that were more
real and comfortable than some God of the humans. But she couldn't do it,
not because it was wrong, which it was, or because it was inappropriate,
which it was, but because the basis was irrational, and it was
manipulative of someone weaker than she was. She refused to start down
Gendo's road of seeing others like pieces to be moved around.
"Rit-chan?" Nabiki's question drew her out of her thought chasing.
"Yes, Bess?" she asked, enjoyed the momentary frown, swiftly hidden.
So serious. So much like Kyoko.
"When - we - dock - would you like to go to dinner with the three of
us?" Nabiki asked in a clear tone of voice.
"Yes, of course," Ritsuko said, "You, me, Jeff and Maya?"
"Of course," Jeff said eagerly, the first real enthusiasm for
anything since the . . . incident.
~And that for more people around to dilute things,~ she thought sadly,
~As well as potential rivals.~ She wasn't blind to `Nab-chan's` confusion,
which the girl transmuted into anger. It seemed all four of them couldn't
make these kinds of decisions. She was beginning to think Jeff's joking
comment about a menage a non was the simplest solution from an immediate
personal standpoint, but the most difficult one to live with. ~Manage a
non,~ she thought archly. She wished things could work out more easily,
for all of them.