[FFML] Defending Ch. 6 [Rnma.5][Inu-Yasha][Misc][Marvel]

[David Dee]

Seeing as I'm trying to catch up to the number of
chapters I've actually written, here's Chapter 6 of my
side-story to DB Sommer's first-rate fusion
"Avenging". Once again, all Ranma 1/2 and Inu-Yasha
characters are property of Rumiko Takahashi, as are
all the Urusei Yatsura characters, all Marvel
characters are the property of Marvel, Nadia's the
property of Gainax, and anybody I missed is the
property of somebody else. Because I'm much too lazy
to make up my own characters. To all these good
people, I say, once again--please don't sue! You will
make me ever so happy! Please? :-[

If anyone's interested, when I wrote this chapter I
loved it. My ardor has cooled considerably since
then, as it always does, but it still has some bits
that I think are funny. And really, is there anything
more I could want? Besides, maybe, millions of
dollars, and a successful TV series?

Well, anyway, by my reckoning, it's not too horrible.
Enjoy!

-----
Hikaru had to admit the Mad Thinker had a very
appropriate name. He was clearly quite bright. And he
was also clearly insane. For example, the Fantastic
Four had brought him in just last week, and he’d
escaped using a bottle of soda and a plastic whistle.

Hikaru dodged a burst of flame.

And then there was the small army of giant killer
robots he’d built. Hikaru had to admit that impressed
him.

"See, Daisy! Even though that vile little worm thinks
he can separate us, the force of our love and my
genius will keep us together!" said the Mad Thinker
brightly.

"Umm, my name’s not Daisy," said Nozomi Kaihara, who’d
been fastened to the wall next to the Thinker.

That was the ‘mad’ part. The Thinker apparently
thought his hostage was in love with him. Personally,
Hikaru thought it was a bit early for Stockholm
syndrome.

"You always say that!" laughed the Mad Thinker, his
green trenchcoat swirling around him as he turned
towards her. "But you always realize I’m right
eventually."

Nozomi blinked. "We’ve never met before," she said
quietly.

The Mad Thinker gave a fond, forgiving shake of the
head. "You say that a lot too. Don’t worry though—it
will all make sense to again eventually. That’s how
it’s been every time I find you when you go missing,
Daisy, and that’s how it’s going to stay." He took a
large device off his extensive toolbelt, and began to
fiddle with the large ray next to him. "Now then, as
soon as I finish with this silly old tractor beam,
I’ll do what every boy promises the girl he’s sweet
on—give you the moon!"

"Umm," murmured Nozomi, "I don’t think anyone promises
that anymore…"

"Of course they do," said the Thinker. "My grandfather
says so, and he’s as smart as I am. Remember,
Daisy—smart people are always right!"

"But won’t doing that kill people?"

"Oh, only unimportant ones," said the Thinker absently
as he cut into the side of the tractor beam with a
large blowtorch. "I’ll be fine! And your alien blood
allows you to survive anything!" He sighed. "I’ve
really got to come up with some way of re-educating
you faster—it’s getting to be a hassle. Maybe the
right combination of subliminal messages and
psychotropic drugs…"

Hikaru twisted past the robot’s fist. Oh, yeah, that
was the Mad Thinker—a real character. Calling him a
few cans short of a six-pack didn’t do him
justice—Hikaru doubted the man had enough juice left
to fill a shot glass. He deflected the robot’s ray
beam. Hikaru was really getting sick of the damn
thing. He’d tried to magnetize it, but it was
apparently made of some carbon-weave polymer. He’d
tried to melt it, but it apparently ran on ambient
heat, and so all he’d gotten was one excited robot. As
for simply blowing it up, the thing was harder to
destroy than the Rolling Stones’ careers. Hikaru
sighed. There were times he wished he wasn’t so
sarcastic. It made it hard to listen to himself at
times, and as that situation was unavoidable for him,
it was only more bitter.

He barely avoided the explosive shell the robot fired
at him. Concentrate on the killer robot, stupid, his
mind thought vocally. As the mechanical monster
launched a series of shrapnel grenades at him, he had
to remind himself not to panic. He could handle this.
He was Dr. Strange, who regularly defeated demonic
invasions, sinister monsters, and men who had the
audacity to attempt world conquest while wearing
form-fitting body stockings. He really hated that last
bunch. Some parts of the human anatomy were meant to
stay hidden in his book.

The robot sprouted several more arms and started
firing micromissiles at him. Hikaru gulped. Okay, he
could handle this. But help would be nice.

The wall behind him toppled over. Hikaru smiled
slightly. Help had arrived. Nadia rushed in, followed
by the rest of the motley crew Hikaru happened to call
allies. Hikaru glanced at Nadia "Glad to see you guys.
Now, how did you beat those robots?

Nadia smiled awkwardly. "We sort of didn’t. They’re
hot on our tails."

Hikaru’s face fell. "What?"

"Hot on our tails," repeated Nadia. "In eager pursuit.
Following us."

Kagome blinked and pointed ahead. "Hey—that robot’s
readying that gravity cannon thing the one you threw
into a bus used!"

Hikaru glanced at Nadia reproachfully as he created a
force field. Nadia looked away. "It was an empty
tourist bus." She turned and waved her finger
defiantly. "You have no right to judge me!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well, no, but it sure is fun."

Miroku glanced at them worriedly. "The other robots
are coming this way!"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "You know, that’s one thing
I’ve learned in this business it’s never say ‘this
couldn’t possibly get worse’, because it always can.
On fire? You can jump into gasoline. Chased by a rabid
dog? A pack of them can come from the other direction.
Dealing with a chainsaw-wielding homicidal maniac? A
six-armed man-eating demon can kill him…"

"I’m assuming you have a more detailed plan than ‘be
bitter as killer robots descend upon us’?" said Nadia
pointedly.

"I’ve got two actually," said Hikaru, "and seeing as
the first one involves a bathtub full of champagne, a
violinist, and a bottle of sherry, we’re probably
going to have to go with the second one."

Nadia blinked. "Are you sure about that? Because I’m
definitely intrigued."

"Yes, I know, it would have been magical, but we’re
going with door number two," said Hikaru. "You, Nadia,
are going to go after the Thinker, and see if he has a
doohickey that can turn off the robots. I am going to
attempt some kind of big mojo to shut down the robots.
Miroku, Kagome and Inu-Yasha are going to protect me
whilst I do so."

"Well, you’ve covered all the angles," said Nadia
quietly.

"As opposed to your outfit," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at what several thorough washings had
revealed to be a bikini made of scale mail. "You know
this is probably a completely normal outfit where I’m
from."

"Then now we know to look for a nation with no shame,"
said Hikaru calmly. "Now, vamanos!" Nadia bit her lip
and then jogged out, darting beneath the robot’s legs.
She ran towards the Mad Thinker, an angry glare on her
face.

"Ha ha, wench!" he chuckled arrogantly. "Do you
actually think you’re a match for the genius of the
Thinker?" He pulled an exceedingly elaborate device
from his belt. "Face the power of my vibro-beam!" He
fired. The silvery blast knocked Nadia off her feet.
"You see Daisy! They’ll never separate us, not while I
can draw breath and my various weapons of mass
destruction from their holsters!"

Nozomi gulped. "That’s super…"

A dark hand closed around the end of the device.
"That—stung," muttered Nadia angrily.

"Really?" asked the Mad Thinker nervously.

"Yes, but not like this is going to, little man,"
noted Nadia as she swung her fist. The Thinker went
sailing back into the wall. "And for future reference,
the Sub-Mariner is not one to be taken lightly…"

"Who’s the Sub-Mariner?" asked Nozomi.

"That would be me," answered Nadia.

"Oh. I guess that follows…" Nozomi brightened. "Are
you going to get me down?"

"After I get the robots shut down." Nadia walked over
to the fallen villain, and glanced him over. "Dr.
Strange? He seems to be unconscious."

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru, trying to keep up his shield
up in the face of repeated blows. "That’s bad."

Nadia looked over the Thinker’s toolbelt. "I could
always just—fiddle with things until I found something
that turns it off…"

"I think you better not," said Hikaru nervously. "I
really don’t want Armageddon to start because you
pushed the wrong button…"

Nadia glanced at him. "But how are you going to deal
with the robots?"

"I’ll come up with something," said Hikaru blithely.
"Miroku, I know you hate using it, but…"

"I’ve tried the Wind Tunnel. They—just dug in their
heels." Miroku shook his head. "Also spread out as
they are—well, even if it could work, it would be too
risky."

Hikaru bit his lip. "Okay. Don’t worry. I’ve got an
idea—it’ll just require me to temporarily alter the
laws of physics. Nothing too big." He gulped. "Of
course, it will take awhile, so you’ll have to hold
them off…"

"Ya always give us the hard jobs," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Don’t worry, Doc!" chirped Kagome. "Our superheroish
skills will protect you!" She fired her bow. The arrow
missed and chopped off a sprinkler head above a robot.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "Great job, Kagome. Now
he’s hysterical, and he’s wet."

The robot sputtered, sparked, and collapsed into a
pile of tiny parts.

"On second thought—well done, thou good and faithful
servant." Hikaru raised his arms, and shut his eyes.
"You know, after mastering the Five, you just get used
to some not having much use most of the time." His
hands started to glow. "Spirits of the Water! I call
upon your aid! I feel your anger, as Man forces you to
travel through this building, a slave to his will. You
are children of the Rager! I give you strength—rage
forth for me!" His eyes opened, glowing blue. "RAGE
FORTH!" In response to his cries, the pipes burst, a
cascade of water soaking the room. The sparking robots
fell into pieces.

A drenched Hikaru glanced at the rushing water. "My
thanks to you, children of the Furor. Now I ask you to
remember your mother, the Calm One…" The water died
down. Hikaru glanced at the others. "Sorry about that.
Water spirits can get a bit—enthusiastic at times."

Inu-Yasha spat out a mouthful of water. "A bit…?"

-----

"Well, Miss Kanzai," noted Officer Kobayakawa, "I’d
say you held up remarkably well." She shook her head.
"The Mad Thinker is one of the most dangerous
criminals in Tokyo. There’s no telling what he might
have done if you had lost your cool."

"I would have been doomed no matter what if it weren’t
for the efforts of Dr. Strange and his stalwart band
of heroes." She smiled brightly. "You know they really
are good. I honestly think they don’t get the credit
they deserve."

Kobayakawa nodded. "Yep. Right. You wouldn’t mind
getting examined for head trauma now, would you?"

At that moment, the Thinker was wheeled past in
traction. "Don’t worry, Daisy! I’ll be out in no time,
and when I am, we can be together again!"

Nozomi turned to Kobayakawa. "Could I please be
escorted out of Japan? As soon as humanly possible?:"

-----

From above on the rooftops Hikaru watched as they
wheeled the supervillain’s broken form into the
ambulance. "Well, I think we took care—" He shook his
head. "Oh, who am I kidding? He’ll probably break out
in a month using a package of stale saltines and a
used condom."

Nadia gave him a reassuring pat on the back. "Look on
the bright side—he sustained multiple fractures." She
shrugged. "That should at least slow him down."

Hikaru glanced at her. "You know for an alleged
pacifist, you have the most ungodly love of violence."

Nadia smiled. "Only for the deserving and only because
I know exactly how much pain a body can take before it
becomes potentially lethal."

Hikaru sighed. "You know this conversation just took a
turn in a scary direction I have no intention of
following up on…" He started to walk away.

"Oh, sure," shouted Nadia mockingly. "Leave me
dangling!"

Miroku glanced at her. "I’m a bit surprised you took
his suggestion for a name."

"It was better than the competition," she replied.

"Oh, for the last time, ‘Amphibious Lass’ is a great
name!" said Kagome.

Hikaru took a deep breath. All in all, this was
proving to be a quiet night.

-----

"Ahh. Earth. A tiny, blue sphere, the color of its
vast deserts, sleeping unaware…"

"Oceans, Captain."

"Wha—?"

Lieutenant Mar-Vell sighed. "Oceans. The blue of Earth
is from its vast oceans, not deserts."

Captain Lum Oni, commanding officer of the Oni Empire
Dreadnaught Class Vessel Tcha, stared at her
subordinate, her eyes showing her vast store of
confusion. "Oh," she said slowly. "I see." She gave a
sudden shake of her head. "Well, my point still
stands—they are unprepared for the herald of
GALACTUS!" She raised her fist triumphantly.
"Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Mar-Vell winced. Miss Lum really hadn’t gotten the
whole threatening laugh thing down yet.

-----

Defending

Chapter 6—"Third Stone From the Sun"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

David Dee

-----

In downtown Tokyo, something was happening.

"So, Arika, the green monster rampaging in downtown
Tokyo is not Godzilla shrunk down to ten feet?"

"That is correct, Ken," said Arika Miamata, reporter.
"Godzilla was spotted off the shore of Okinawa just an
hour ago, looking, to quote local residents ‘a bit
cranky’."

Anchorman Kensuke Ooneda gave a grave, formal nod. "I
see." He took a quizzical expression. "So what kind of
damage is the monster doing?"

Arika took a deep, awkward breath. "Well, right now,
he’s in what experts like to call the ‘pre-rampage
rampage stage’." She glanced at her cameraman. "If we
could get some footage." The camera panned over,
revealing a large green man, who appeared mostly to be
wandering around aimlessly. "There—he’s on
edge—clearly disorientated—but not actively
rampaging."

Ooneda frowned. "So there’s been no destruction or
loss of life?"

"That is correct."

He coughed awkwardly, then turned. "Well, seeing as
nothing substantial has happened yet, we will now fill
some airtime with expert commentary. Joining us
now—noted scientist, Dr. Iwata." He turned to a
white-haired gentleman with a scarred face. "Dr.
Iwata—nice to see you."

"Thank you, Ken. Always a pleasure to appear on
television."

"Now, Dr. Iwata—what is it that makes monsters
rampage?"

"Well, Ken," said Dr. Iwata thoughtfully, "my personal
theory is it’s because they’re evil…"

Ooneda nodded. "Fascinating."

In the Gosunkugi residence something was also
happening.

"See, Hikaru! He’s evil! A doctor said so! We have
to—"

"No, Kagome."

Both happenings involved surprisingly little of what
could in fact be called ‘activity’.

"Ahh, yes, and now the police are rolling in," came
Arika’s voice.

Kagome glanced back at Hikaru. "See! The police! If
the police are there, we should be to! As superheroes
we have a sacred duty—"

"To harass those whose crime is not conforming to
society’s preconceived notions of what’s an acceptable
appearance? Nope—that’s the police job, and they’re
doing it, so the gears of the machine can be said to
be grinding things in perfect order."

"But—"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Look, Kagome, you can put
whatever spin you want on it, but the only reason Oz
the Great and Terrible is facing any sort of reaction
at all is because he’s ten feet tall. Aside from that,
he’s the typical tourist." He glanced at the
television. "Hell, actually he’s more polite than the
typical tourist."

There was the sound of gunfire. Arika turned nervously
to the camera. "The police have opened fire and—the
monster’s attacking—OH, OH MY GOD! MOVE IT PEOPLE,
HE’S COMING THIS WAY!" The feed momentarily cut into
static.

"Oh, the humanity!" shouted Ooneda. He glanced at Dr.
Iwata. "Your opinion, doctor?"

"This is bad, Ken," said Iwata with a nod. "Very bad."

Kagome looked at Hikaru triumphantly. "See! Look! He’s
attacking now! He’s definitely rampaging!"

"Because they OPENED FIRE ON HIM!" shouted Hikaru. He
glanced at the others. "I’d rampage if that happened
to me! Wouldn’t you?"

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "I guess…"

"I’d probably just maraud a bit," said Nadia. "Maybe
run a little amok."

"Oh, now you’re just quibbling," muttered Hikaru. He
glanced at Kagome. "Anyhow, Kagome, we are not
attacking that poor noble savage." There was a squeal.
"Now excuse me, my tea is up." He walked out to the
kitchen.

"Okay, okay, can you reestablish the link?" came Arika
Miamata. A jumpy picture came on, of Arika kneeling
behind some wreckage. "Ken—it’s a madhouse here. The
monster has in a short while produced a radius of
damage more appropriate to force of nature then a
living thing…" She gestured upwards. The camera rose
to capture an image of the bandana-wearing creature
smashing a police car.

Nadia glanced at the television. "My goodness, he is
causing a lot of damage, isn’t he?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

Nadia looked at her. "And you honestly think we should
do this?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

"Well, leave it to me," said Nadia quietly. Hikaru
walked back in, holding a cup of tea. She glanced up
at him. "Your ‘noble savage’ just destroyed three
police cars."

"Good," said Hikaru. "Too damn many of them anyway.
And those sirens!" Hikaru shook his head. "Noise goes
straight to the skull." He shuddered, then sipped his
tea.

"Heh," murmured Nadia quietly. "Listen to him joke.
You can barely guess that he’s scared."

"Scared?" Hikaru laughed. "I am so inundated with fear
that adding a little more has no effect. I am
incapable of terror, as it’s my constant state, and
I’ve learned to function with it."

"That’s all very nice," chuckled Nadia. "And doubtless
that explains why you’re not going to stop a ferocious
monster that is causing massive damage to the city."

"I’m not because it’s the most rational, humane thing
to do!"

"You’re not because you lack the spine to deal with a
real problem! You’d rather bury your head in the sand
while things crumble to pieces around you!" She spat.
"And you call yourself a man!"

Hikaru glared at her. "How dare you insult my manhood!
I’m the mannish boy, the natural man who can take a
licking and keep on ticking! I'm bold as love, and you
can just ask the axis! I am a virtual paragon of
virility!" A buzzer sounded in the kitchen. Hikaru
clasped his hands together nervously. "My lemon
squares!" He rushed back to the kitchen.

Kagome glanced at Nadia. "What are you—?"

Nadia raised her hand. "Hush, child. Watch the master
and learn."
Hikaru walked un holding a plateful of lemon squares.
He glanced at Nadia resentfully. "So, have you
continued to slander my masculinity whilst I was
dealing with the lemon square situation?"

Nadia arched an eyebrow. "Hikaru, for me to slander
your masculinity you’d have to have some."

"Oh, touché," muttered Hikaru. "I suppose the same
thing goes for what’s covering your midriff?"

Nadia glanced down at her outfit, a halter-top and a
pair of shorts. "Oh, riposte," she muttered acidly, a
frown on her face.

Kagome noted with some alarm that the pair’s hands
were digging into the tabletop. Literally. "Umm,
guys—don’t fight…"

"Why should we fight?" said Hikaru in tones of
strained civility. "I’m far too effeminate a man to
bother with violence. I’d much rather lie on the
sundeck, and sip tea, while fanning myself…"

"And staring at my nonexistent midriff covering?"
murmured Nadia.

"Naturally," said Hikaru nibbling on a lemon square.
"I suppose the only way you’ll stop this if I perform
the idiocy of attacking Mr. Green Genes?"

"No," answered Nadia. "The way to stop me is to kill
me. However, assuming you to have ethics, your
suggestion is the next best thing."

Hikaru shook his head. "For you dear? Of course." He
picked up another lemon square. "AFTER I finish my
lemon squares." He glanced at his tea cup. "Hmmph.
Need a refill." He walked back to the kitchen.

"How did you do that?" asked Kagome, staring at Nadia
in wonder.

Nadia smiled. "I may be an amnesiac, but I haven’t
forgotten about human nature." She picked up a lemon
square. "No man who uses the word ‘whilst’ regularly
is ever quite secure in his masculinity. And besides,
mocking Hikaru isn’t a chore—it’s a hobby." She
glanced downwards and frowned. "Why should I cover it?
It’s not like I’ve got anything to be ashamed of…" She
bit into her lemon square.

Actually it was quite good.

-----

Lt. Mar-Vell entered Captain Oni’s quarters, a
computer readout in his hands. "Miss Lum, I’m honored
to report that we have selected your opponent for this
world."

"Ahh," she said. "Let me see." She grabbed the readout
from his hands, then glanced at it. A frown covered
her face. "This was ready two hours ago."

Mar-Vell sighed. "You were in the middle of your
bubble bath, Captain."

"Oh." A smile came over her face. "Well, I do like
being squeaky cwean! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She went back
to reading it, then snarled. She tore the readout into
pieces, and threw the scraps to the ground.
"Disgusting!" she spat. "Once again your "random"
selection process gives me an opponent who’s a joke!"
She looked Mar-Vell commandingly. "I am sick of such
contests. I yearn for a challenge! I am Lum Oni, Third
Champion of the Oni Empire and Herald of Galactus! My
yearning shall be quenched!"

Lt. Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Captain, we Kree
have some experience with these Earthlings. While
technologically backwards—and this is changing—they
show a marked propensity for supernormal ability.
Indeed, Miss Lum, I would say they rival even the Oni
for this."

"Nobody rivals the Oni at anything!" shouted Lum
confidently. "We are the natural rulers of all! You
inferiors are only fit to lick our boots and do as we
say!" She smiled at Mar-Vell. "Mind you, you Kree do a
fantastic job of it." She gave him a thumbs-up. "Top
marks from me!"

Mar-Vell nodded, his eyebrows narrowed. "I am… pleased
you appreciate my—bootlicking services, Miss Lum."

"Also the ‘doing as I say’," noted Lum appreciatively.
"You’re really good at that!"

Mar-Vell bowed. "Miss Lum, if you value my services,
you won’t risk yourself needlessly in the search of
some ultimate challenge. You should realize that even
the most insignificant opponent may pose a threat to
you, and those of great power almost certainly will."

Lum raised her hand defiantly. "Lieutenat, I am Lum
Oni! Time upon time have I faced my opponents, and
each time they have fallen. And you would say I’m
unprepared? You would deny me a glorious battle?" She
pouted. "I haven’t had one of those since I wiped out
the Saiyin hordes single-handedly during the Frieza
incident!" She smiled. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! That was
fun! Especially the way they’d stand there grunting,
for hours on end!"

"You relish in victories nobly won, Captain, but do
not forget that duty comes before glory," said
Mar-Vell.

"Nothing comes before glory!" shouted Lum. "Mar-Vell I
seize at things that seem beyond my reach. That is the
source of my legend!" Yeoman Una entered the room
holding a tray. "Oh, goodie!" squealed Captain Oni.
"My juice box!" She snatched it gleefully. "I just wuv
my juicey-juicey-juice, yes I do." She sipped it
gleefully.

Una glanced at Mar-Vell. "I hate it when she baby
talks." Mar-Vell hushed her.

Lums finished her juice, and turned to the Kree. "Now
then I want you to find me—A CHALLENGE! One worthy of
the might that is Lum! Also I want a box of thin
mints." She smiled. "Sweets for the sweetie, after
all! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

-----

Miles away, Ataru Moroboshi paused in the middle of
receiving a beating from the leader of the girl’s
volleyball team, and stared blankly into space.
Ataru’s ‘girlfriend’ Shinobu Miyake broke off
explaining that of course Ataru hadn’t meant anything
offensive when he’d commented on the girl’s
"tremendous gazongas". "Ataru—what’s wrong?"

"I sensed a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if
a long-running comedy series cried out and was
silenced." He glanced at a volleyball team member.
"Oooh! Boobies!" He leaned forward to get a grope in.
Shnobu sighed. Ataru had been acting funny—well,
funnier—since he downed a bagful of hallucinogenic
pills in the belief that they were candy.

-----

Nadia frowned. "This vegetarian platter is subpar,"
she said flatly.

Hikaru glanced up from his latte. "What’s wrong?"

Nadia looked away, a touch of embarrassment on her
face. "Not enough kelp."

"Nadia, most people would consider not eating kelp a
plus," stated Hikaru.

Nadia stared at him. "You just had to finish those
lemon squares!" she huffed.

"Don’t rush me, woman!" declared Hikaru. "I take my
time, but the results are usually worth it." He
crossed his arms. "And I didn’t see you passing up on
them!"

"How could I?" muttered Nadia darkly. "They were sour.
They were sweet. They were enchanting."

Miroku sighed. "You two are worse than Inu-Yasha and
Kagome…"

"Don’t be ridiculous," said Hikaru. "Kagome and
Inu-Yasha squabble. Nadia and I banter. It’s a
completely different phenomena."

"What’s the difference?" asked Miroku.

"Squabbling is what children do," answered Hikaru.
"Banter is a more adult beast. Squabbling is a petting
zoo—banter is a rogue elephant who snapped a tether
and killed a coolie."

Nadia blinked. "Are all of your metaphors so…
esoteric?"

"Usually," answered Hikaru.

"I think those of us who weren’t lost at Hikaru’s
analogy were when you used the word ‘esoteric’," said
Miroku.

"Quiet!" said Inu-Yasha. "My head hurts!"

Nadia glared at them. "There is simply no appreciation
for eloquence."

"Tell me about it," said Hikaru. "With this bunch,
discourse is lowered to a sub-troglodyte level."

"I’m filled with pathos," said Nadia grimly. "Or
possibly bathos. It’s one of the the athos family."
The pair sighed. The others glanced nervously among
themselves.

Hikaru stared grimly at his drink. "You know, we’d
have gotten there in plenty of time if Colonel
Flag-waver hadn’t shown up…"

Kagome looked at Hikaru and shook her head. "Captain
Japan is a dynamic new superhero, Dr. Strange, worthy
of our respect…"

Hikaru snorted. "Oh, sure, Captain Axis is all beer
and skittles right now, but just you watch! Next thing
you know, he’ll be talking ‘Greater East Asian
Co-Prosperity Spheres’ while trying to annex Korea and
introducing his new sidekick, Sergeant Swastika! Mark
my words!"

There was an awkward pause. Kagome stood up. "You know
what you need?"

"A Japan that fully owns up to the atrocities of the
past, and can no longer be swayed by the brutal,
fascistic symbols of Empire," answered Hikaru.

Kagome blinked. "I was thinking a frozen cappuccino."

Hikaru leaned forward bleakly. "Make it a mocha."

Kagome nodded and darted away. Nadia glanced at him.
"I think you just scared every rational person within
listening distance."

"They should be scared," said Hikaru. "The Black
Dragon Party is out, in all its glory! Iron-plated
soldiers have appeared on our streets! As well as a
gigantic, hammer-wielding lesbian!" He shook his head.
"Truly I fear for our nation."

Nadia chuckled. "And now I know you have…"

Miroku coughed. "You know Hikaru, it’s a bit premature
to be criticizing people whose actions we only know
through second-hand reports and rushed newspaper
articles…"

"Well, it’s also a bit early to be giving them a
standing ovation, but people seem to be doing that!"
Hikaru glanced angrily at a pedestrian. "You make me
sick! You want to be oppressed, you totalitarian
dogsbody, don’t you?" The passerby broke into a run.
"That’s right!" shouted Hikaru. "Run from the truth!"

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Hikaru!" said Miroku. "You
can’t mean that attractive gaijin is… odd—you just
can’t!"

"Miroku, firstly that woman practically has ‘Female
Steelworker’ plastered to her forehead," said Hikaru.
"Secondly, she isn’t that attractive."

Nadia blinked. "You’re kidding, right?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Personally, if I want over six
feet of beef on a date I’ll go to a steakhouse with a
buffet…"

Nadia. glared at him. "I didn’t think you were the
type who disliked strong women…"

"Only the Bulgarian car type," Hikaru clarified. "You
know—big, blocky, with the parts sized slightly
wrong…"

Inu-Yasha shook his head. "Come on, Hikaru. This is
catty even fer you…"

Hikaru sighed and slouched back in his chair. "Well,
I’m just tired of doing so much and receiving so
little, while others do so little and receive somuch…"
A mild rain shower began. Hikaru glanced resentfully
up at the sky. "Also, I’m tired of this outdoor
restaurant, but that is something I expect to resolve
shortly."

Nadia shrugged, as the rain began to cease. "It’s not
that bad." She looked at him. "And you’re usually the
last person to care what people think of you."

"And I still am!" shouted Hikaru. "I don’t do this for
applause, you know! Unlike the freaking Fantastic
Four! But they and every other gloryhound in the city
is getting famous on what I do while seeking no credit
for myself! It is driving me to the brink of
DESPAIR!!!"

Nadia shook her head. "Hikaru, I have to say, you’re
the only person I know who can be manic and depressive
at the same time."

Hikaru looked at her bleakly. "You’re an amnesiac,
Nadia. You have no idea who you know."

Nadia smiled. "And that tells you how strong an
impression you make…"

"Don’t insult the Fantastic Four," came a slurred
voice.

"Quiet, Kagome," snapped Hikaru.

"That—wasn’t Kagome," said Miroku gesturing across the
street.

Hikaru blinked. "You’re right. I just assumed it was
her on the grounds that it sounded very… Kagome-like."

"Well," continued the voice’s owner belligerently, "It
was actually very… Saori-like." The voice’s owner was
in fact a tall woman with purple hair. She sat at a
table across the street, a large glass punctuated with
a paper umbrella before her, her head resting on the
tabletop. "Saori Kiddo. I’m good friends with the
Fantastic Four." She sat up unsteadily. "They helped
me turn my life around. I was in jail when they met
me, living in the bottom of a liquor bottle—"

"And now you’re living at the bottom of a fashionable
glass of Banana Daquiri, presumably?" asked Hikaru
pointedly. "Good lord, what a public service! Give the
bastards another medal!"

"Hey!" shouted Saori. "I admit I may not quite have my
life together yet, but now I’m trying!" She shook her
head, and stood up. "That’s what they did for me! Got
me back in the fight! Trying again! And if you’ve got
a problem with the Fantastic Four, you’ve got a
problem with—MS. POWER!" She struck a martial arts
pose.

Hikaru chuckled, despite himself. "I’m sorry. Just
find your superhero name amusing."

Saori glanced around apologetically. "Look it’s a hell
of a lot better than Princess Power, which is what I
started out in this business with…"

"How about Power Girl?" suggested Miroku.

"First off I’m twenty four, so calling myself ‘girl’
is not only stupid, it’s insulting, and second, I
never liked that name." Saori gave a puzzled shake of
the head. "No idea why."

"So—what exactly does having a problem with Ms. Power
entail?" asked Hikaru in slightly condescending tones.

"Me sticking to you like dogshit on your shoes,
calling you up at odd hours to make statements that
might be construed as threats, and possibly going
medieval on your ass one day." Saori smiled. "And if
me going medieval on your ass doesn’t scare you,
realize that I’m super-strong, my skin is nearly
unbreakable, and my mother was Jun the Swan of the
Science Ninja team, so I can break your neck in ten
different ways."

"I remember that bunch," said Hikaru softly. "Wasn’t
Jun the designated hostage most of the time?"

"Well, yeah," said Saori awkwardly. "But that’s mostly
because Mom was an idiot, not because she was lousy at
fighting…"

"So what is the difference between a science ninja,
and a ninja ninja?" he continued casually.

"Science ninjas dress up like birds, and use more
explosives," answered Saori dourly.

"So why do you have powers? Weren’t the science ninjas
regular humans?" noted Hikaru.

"Except for Joe, yeah," muttered Saori. "But—well, mom
was exposed to a lot of weird chemicals and rays over
the years." She glanced around awkwardly. "I figure
they might have had an effect. Though one time this
old guy said I was the reincarnation of Athena. And
then he said something about saints, and then he
started singing old Beatle songs…" She looked at
Hikaru frowning. "Okay, you’re not quaking in fear."

"Nope." Hikaru waved his hand. "Allow me to introduce
myself—Dr. Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts,
Protector of the Mystic Walls, and so forth."

Ms. Power’s eyes squinted blearily. "You some sorta
Goth superhero?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No, Goth depression is
cultivated. Mine is free-range."

As Saori stared ahead in mild shock, a man clad in a
neon green shirt, and neon yellow bandanna that was
doubling as a mask approached her holding a sheaf of
papers. "Hey, Saori, I just got the lyrics and they
prove I was right. Look—‘They want to bring me in
guilty for the shooting of a deputy—for the life of a
deputy’. So see, someone else shot the deputy,
possibly the sheriff, and they want him for that, not
he shot the sheriff, and got caught by the deputy."

"This isn’t the time to talk about it, Eikichi,"
murmured Saori.

"Who’s this?" asked Hikaru. "Your houseboy?"

"My partner," groaned Saori.

"Eikichi Onizuka!" stated the living offense to the
eyes. "Or as my enemies know me—the Great Hero IRON
FIST!"

Hikaru stared and then started cackling.
"I’m—sorry—I’m sorry—it’s just—man those are lousy
names…" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You guys should form
a club—eh, Son of Satan?"

"Shut up!" groaned Inu-Yasha.

Onizuka glared at Hikaru, offended. "And who are you
to judge?"

"Dr. Strange, apparently," answered Ms. Power.

"Really?" said Onizuka puzzled. He looked Hikaru over.
"I heard he was some sort of praying mantis thing."

Saori followed his gaze. "You sure he isn’t?"

Hikaru stared bleakly ahead for a moment, then sighed.
"You know, the only thing keeping me from getting a
press agent is my general sense of despite." He shook
his head. "I just don’t believe this. By what I’ve
accomplished I should be as famous as any of these
guys," he noted, pointing at a newspaper photo showing
various members of Tokyo’s superhero population.
"Instead I’m sitting here trading quips at the Dean
Martin Celebrity Roast version of superheroes. There
is no justice in this world. No justice!"

A large green blur smashed into the street. "HULK WANT
FLOWERS!"

Hikaru’s head slammed onto the table. "Nadia?"

Nadia glanced at him. "Yes, Hikaru?"

"A quick lesson…"

"I’m listening…"

"Those who insist there is no justice often have
justice violently practiced upon them."

Nadia glanced up at the bellowing Hulk. "With an
emphasis on the ‘violent’ part in this case."

Hikaru looked at her. "I think you should write that
down."

"Oh, I’ve no doubt I’ll remember it…"

Onizuka clenched his fists. "Enough talk! Now’s the
time for ass-kicking!"

"Damn straight, Onizuka!" shouted Saori. The pair
charged forward. "Hey, tall, green, and ugly," she
yelled, peppering the behemoth’s body with punches,
"how you like these flowers—eh? How you like—"

The Hulk stared at the pair for a moment, then sent
them flying with a casual flick of the hand. As Hikaru
watched the two heroes slam into the wall, and turned
quietly to the others. "You know, suddenly I’m filled
with an overwhelming sense of euphoria." He stood up.
"I wonder why?"

Inu-Yasha stood up. "We takin’ down the giant?"

"Probably," stated Hikaru. Inu-Yasha nodded and
charged forward. Seconds later, Hikaru watched him go
sailing backwards. "You know I was going to say that
this called for a bit of forethought."

"Now ya tell me…" groaned Inu-Yasha.

"That’s right—now I do!" Hikaru flexed his hand.

Nadia smiled. "And what does your ample supply of
forethought suggest?"

"A little bit of my favorite weapon—subtlety." Hikaru
walked towards the Hulk, stopping a respectful
distance away from him. "Hello! Now what is it I can
do for you, you dear, dear man?"

The Hulk stared at him suspiciously. "Why ugly little
man’s friends attack Hulk?"

Hikaru’s left eyebrow twitched slightly. He let forth
a pleasant chuckle. "Most of them weren’t my friends.
And the one who is was confused. He acted without
thought. I apologize for his actions. Indeed, I often
do. Now, please tell me what you desire. I’m eager to
help in any way I can." Hikaru smiled eagerly. "I’m a
magician."

The suspicion in the Hulk’s gaze did not abate. "Hulk
want flowers for pretty hammer girl," the giant stated
sullenly.

Hikaru nodded. "Then you’ll want the flower district.
That’s a bit to the south of here."

The Hulk frowned angrily. "Hulk know that! That what
last man tell him! Hulk head that way, but no find
flowers!"

"Well, just head a little more south, and you will!"
Hikaru grinned. "Honest! Cross my heart and hope to
die!" The Hulk nodded dimly and turned to leap. Hikaru
coughed. "That’s north. The opposite of south…"

The Hulk glared at Hikaru angrily. "What magician talk
about? Hulk know way to go!"

Hikaru’s left eyebrow began to twitch again. "That’s
clearly not true…"

The Hulk snarled. "Magician calling Hulk STUPID?"

"Well with grammar like that you’re definitely not
Albert Einstein, tarnishlocks!" snapped Hikaru. He
winced. That was a really bad thing to say.

The Hulk screamed and charged forward. "Hulk not
stupid! Hulk smart!" He grabbed Hikaru roughly by the
shoulders. "Hulk think magician is stupid! Hulk CRUSH
stupid magician!"

Hikaru gulped. Okay, it was a really, really bad thing
to say. He took a deep breath. "Wait, I just
remembered a story of great relevance!"

"Stop using big words! Stupid magician annoying Hulk!"

"I remember once, in a far away land, there was a
friendly giant, just like you," said Hikaru, pointing
at the Hulk.

"Like Hulk?" said the titan, intrigued.

"Yes, like Hulk!" Hikaru brought his hand in front of
the Hulk’s face. "And he wanted flowers for a
beautiful maiden. And so he went to an enchanted field
and plucked the biggest flower he could find." The
Hulk nodded, interested. "But the giant forgot that
flowers sometimes attract bees." Hikaru’s hand darted
forward and twisted the Hulk’s nose.

"ARRGH!" screamed the Hulk, his hands going to his
face. "Stupid magician make hand bee! Make hand bee
and sting Hulk!" As the Hulk dropped him, Hikaru
somersaulted off the giant’s stomach, and scurried
away.

Nadia glanced at him. "Things not go as planned?"

Hikaru glanced over his shoulder. "I was trying to
work a little hypnosis on him—calm him down a bit.
Make him less—angry. But Kermit over there—well his
mind’s like a room full of wolverines, being stung by
hornets and hearing thrash metal with the volume
turned up to eleven."

Nadia blinked as she watched the Hulk charge down the
street. "That’s a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru glanced around. "Where’s Miroku?"

Nadia gestured across the street. "You have my moral
support!" shouted Miroku from beneath a table.

"Figures," muttered Hikaru.

"Hulk smash stupid magician!" screamed the Hulk.

Nadia stepped forward. "That isn’t to going to happen,
my large friend…"

The Hulk snarled. "Puny girl going to stop Hulk?"

Nadia punched him in the stomach. The gargantuan
figure sailed through the air for several hundred feet
before hitting the pavement and bouncing three times.
"Yes," answered Nadia calmly.

Hikaru glanced at her. "I take back sixty percent of
what I said about you."

Nadia frowned. "Only sixty percent?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I have to leave you something to
work for."

"My head hurts…" whimpered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk got back to his feet with little effort.
"Puny girl almost as strong as Hulk," he muttered, the
surprise in his voice evident.

Nadia rushed forward, toppling him with her shoulder.
"No," she stated calmly. She grabbed him by the legs,
and raised him over her head, twirling him around. "As
strong." She tossed the giant into the side of a
building.

"Whoa. She is good." Hikaru glanced over to see Saori
Kiddo brushing off some dust. "Is all your team that
formidable?"

Hikaru smiled. "We aren’t really a team, and to answer
your question, no, they aren’t, and also you’re
standing on one of them."

Saori glanced down. "Umm, sorry…"

"I’m gettin’ up, I’m gettin’ up," muttered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk rose up snarling from where he stood, and
knocked Nadia back with a ferocious roundhouse blow,
slamming her into a lamppost, which shattered. He
struck her again, slamming her against the pavement,
then tossed her through a window. "Puny girl NOT
strong as Hulk!"

Nadia rose to her feet. She touched her mouth, and
brought back her fingers bloody. She smiled grimly.
"You split my lip, monster. That was a mistake." She
kicked the Hulk’s legs out from under him, only to
lose her footing as the ground shook with weight of
the giant’s bulk landing on it. As she began to fall,
an arm grabbed her.

"I thought you might need some help," noted Saori.

Nadia nodded, as she righted herself. "He’s strong,
but he’s slow, and he isn’t very bright. Aim for the
legs and head—he unbalances very easily. The stomach
and chest are basically like hitting a wall—not much
effect. And remember, he may not be fast but he can
cover a lot of ground quickly." She grabbed Saori by
the arm, and leapt. The Hulk rushed screaming beneath
them. "See what I mean?"

"Umm, thanks," said Saori. She coughed. "Umm—so—you
fly?"

"Don’t ask me how, I don’t know."

"Puny girl cheat! She not fall when jump!" The Hulk
tensed for a leap. "Hulk make fall!" There was the
sound of a war yell. The Hulk turned.

"Prepare to die, ya big green bastard!" screamed
Inu-Yasha, slashing with his sword.

The Hulk grabbed Tetsaiga as it descended towards his
head, then yelped. "Oww! Ugly dogboy cut Hulk’s hand!"
He lifted up the blade, shook it like a rattle, then
flung it away. Inu-Yasha, hanging on for dear life,
got to experience the entire sequence of events.

The Hulk watched the half-demon recede into the
distance with a satisfied look on his face. That look
vanished when a large section of lamppost struck the
back of his head. "If you want a fight, freak, you
better be ready for one!" said Onizuka, twirling the
broken section of lamppost in his hands.

"Hulk smash idiot man!" screamed the Hulk. Onizuka
ducked under his blow then smashed his arm with the
lamppost.

"You say that an awful lot," noted Onizuka calmly.
"It’s sorta annoying."

Nadia and Saori slammed onto the Hulk’s back. The
giant slammed into the pavement, dazed. Saori grabbed
her partner and started yanking him away. "Onizuka,
that is probably the most dumbass thing you’ve ever
done, which means naturally that it is one of the most
dumbass things ever done in the existence of the
universe."

"Ahh, come on Saori," grinned Onizuka. "I had him."

The Hulk stood, growling in frustration. Nadia glanced
at Saori. "All right—what powers does Iron Fist have?"

"Umm—he’s a martial artist…"

"Trained in the mystic monasteries of Tibet, a master
of secret chi techniques, that sort of martial
artist?"

"No," answered Saiko. "Just a normal, ‘black belt in
judo’ martial artist…"

"That isn’t a power," pointed out Nadia nervously.

"Well, not technically, but the thing with Onizuka
is—" began Saori.

"Eat it, greenie! Eat it!" shouted Onizuka bouncing
the lamppost off the Hulk’s head and catching it on
the rebound.

"—He’s completely insane," she finished. "But in a
good way. I mean if you had two of this guy, you could
probably conquer China…"

The Hulk knocked the piece of metal away and screamed.
"Hulk REALLY, REALLY MAD NOW!" He swung at Onizuka who
danced out of the way. "Hulk want flowers, but puny
people keep hitting him!"

Hikaru stepped forward. "Well, now I know what to put
in your Christmas stocking—a nice copy of ‘How to Win
Friends and Influence People’." He shrugged. "It’s not
like I was using it for anything besides propping up
my bookshelf…"

The Hulk took a deep, hateful breath. "Hulk really not
like stupid magician laughing at him."

Hikaru shook his head. "Then this will really bug you,
Godzookie." He gave a sudden shout and gestured
forward. The Hulk hurtled through the air, and toppled
into a large building marked ‘Condemned’. Hikaru
brought his hands together, then spread them apart.
The building collapsed. Hikaru bowed. "Shazam."

Nadia stared at him. "So what happened to your
favorite weapon—‘subtlety’?"

Hikaru smiled enigmatically. "Sometimes the way of
subtlety requires us to travel through the magical
valleys of excess and overkill."

The Hulk burst snarling from the wreckage.

"And sometimes even they aren’t enough," Hikaru
muttered softly.

Nadia nodded. "I said it before, and I’ll say it
again—that is a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru watched the Hulk advance. "You know there’s a
part of me that hates this situation, and another
which lives for it." He smiled as he took a fighting
stance. "Guess which part is dominant right now?"

-----

"Magnificent," muttered Lum in the Tcha’s control
room.

Lt. Mar-Vell glanced up from the Imperial dispatches
(where, he noted, Vash the Warlock’s bounty had
reached 60,000,000 wulong, easily surpassing the
rewards offered for such infamous space pirates as
Captain Harlock, Kagato the Mad God, Queen Emeraldis,
Starfox, Ryoko the Demon of Destruction and her
occasional partner Washu the Goblin). "What is
magnificent, Miss Lum?"

"These warriors! Such skill! Such power! Why even the
one under the table resonates with energy!" Lum stood
up. "I have found my opponent!"

"Which one, Captain?"

Lum spread her hands triumphantly. "Why, all of them!
I shall face all seven, in the most grueling contest
in Oni history since Azuma the Might faced the Five
Angry Monks of Rigel Seven!"

Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Do you think it is a
good idea, Miss Lum? Facing seven opponents of such
power?"

Lum scowled. "Not only is it a good idea, it’s such a
good idea that I’m going to reward myself for having
it. Yeoman Una! Get me a fudge sundae! With cherries
on top! And rainbow sprinkles! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"
Mar-Vell sighed. There was, he felt, something
inherently humiliating in having been conquered by a
race who considered finger-painting the epitome of
high art, and whose first extraplanetary rocket had
consisted of balsa wood, and a great deal of
gunpowder.

-----

As the Hulk’s might form advanced, five figures
readied for combat, their bodies tensing in
preparation. Suddenly all six individuals vanished, as
well as a seventh cowering under a table.

Kagome exited the café holding a glass. "I’m back,
guys! You wouldn’t believe the time I had getting this
frozen cappuccino…" She glanced at the ruined street.
"Umm, guys…?"

It should be pointed out that the sighting of the Hulk
in an outdoor restaurant district was reported to the
police, and placed on file with the other 2687
reported Hulk sightings, including in a movie theater,
up a tree, and in a next-door neighbor’s yard.

-----

Nadia glanced around the vast chamber they’d found
themselves in. It was a dark, metallic place, with
eerie glowing lights and platforms. On the level above
them a small horde of people worked at terminals.
"Where are we?" she asked quietly.

Hikaru’s eyes darted nervously around. "Either onboard
an alien spaceship, or attending the biggest, most
technically advanced Gundam convention the world has
ever seen."

On the gallery above them, a tall blonde man entered,
and stood next to an empty throne that looked down on
the Earthlings. "All present, stand at attention for
Captain Lum Oni, Third Champion of His Royal Potentate
the Munificent Emperor Jariten, Illustrious Head of
the Oni Empire, and Herald of Galactus!"

The various crew members stood at attention as a tall
voluptuous women wearing a tiger skin bikini and boots
entered. Hikaru had to admit she’d be attractive if
not for her green hair and horns. She glanced at the
blonde man. "You forgot the Emperor’s full titles,
Lieutenant."

"There are over a hundred of them," noted the
Lieutenant quietly.

"Well, just do the short version," said Lum
cheerfully, as she took her seat.

"Of course," he said with a bow. "Hail Emperor
Jariten! Lord of the Universe! Master of All! King of
Uru! Son of Emperor Lan! Grandson of Emperor Han!
Cracker of the the Ctarl-Ctarl! Slaughterer of the
Skrull! Basher of the Baddoon! Shatterer of the
Shi’ar! Terrorizer of the Tengu! Pulveriser of the
Plodex! Destroyer of the D’Bray! Ruiner of the
Raalgon!"

Lum glanced at him expectantly. "And—?"

The lieutenant took a deep breath. "Crusher of the
Kree!"

"Very good, Mar-Vell! You made me so vewy happy!
Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru watched the childlike delight spread over
Captain Oni’s faced and shuddered. ‘Never trust anyone
who thinks they’re cute’ was one of his cardinal
mottoes. He glanced at Nadia. "I think we’re in
trouble."

Nadia nodded. "I’ll say." She gestured at Miroku. A
blank, radiant stare was plastered to his face. "It
looks like little Miroku is doing the thinking for big
Miroku."

"There are two of him?" asked Lum curious.

"It’s a figure of speech," muttered Hikaru quietly.

"What?" said Lum baffled.

"A metaphorical expression, Miss Lum," said an
intelligent looking blonde woman sitting next to the
Captain.

"Oh." Lum coughed. "Thank you Yeoman Una."

"Why you take Hulk in large shiny room?" bellowed the
Hulk suddenly. Hikaru blinked. As odd as it might
seem, he’d almost overlooked the ten foot green lunk.
The Hulk seemed to have calmed down considerably, but
then Hikaru doubted he had much in the way of a
long-term memory. He also had no doubt that it
wouldn’t take much to get the lime-tinged lout started
again.

"I’m glad you asked that!" squealed Lum. She stood up,
and looked down at her captives imposingly.
"Earthlings, you have been chosen to face me, the
Herald of Galactus!" She brought out a whistle and
blew it. Lt. Mar-Vell, and Yeoman Una spread a large
diagram behind the Oni. Lum gestured at it proudly.
"Yes, the Galactus Interstellar Raceway! Largest of
its kind to be constructed! The Interstellar raceway
that’s fun for the whole family!"

"Remind me again why we’re naming this after the
Devourer?" whispered Una.

"It’s part of Emperor Ten’s ‘Please Don’t Eat Us’
plan," answered Mar-Vell.

Una nodded. "An idea whose time has come."

"The Galactus Interstellar Raceway will be dedicated
at our beloved Emperor Ten’s fifth birthday party,
after which the first race will commence," finished
Lum brightly.

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Kinda… accomplished for a kid,
ain’t he?"

Lum glanced at him, then shook her head in shock. "My
goodness," she tittered. "I had no idea how cute you
were!" She stared at him adoringly. "The viewscreens
really failed to capture your magnificence."

Inu-Yasha gulped, then fidgeted. "Uhh—right—could ya
answer my question…?"

"For you, anything," sighed Lum adoringly. She smiled
at him fondly. "The honorifics in Jariten’s title
refer to the conquest of his ancestors, who forged the
Empire out of blood and terror. My cousin hasn’t
killed that many people! He’s just a little boy!" She
laughed. "The only people of note he’s killed are his
grandfather and his father, to secure the succession."

Nadia blinked. "He killed—both of them?"

"Yep," answered a smiling Lum. "And some
inconsequential people who just happened to be there.
The tough part, though was doing it in sequence. I
mean, if he hadn’t done that, his opponents may have
disputed his claim ‘cause his father wasn’t emperor.
Now they can’t! Lan was emperor for the thirty seconds
it took him to suffocate in the depths of space, and
that’s all there is to it."

Hikaru chuckled benignly, with perhaps a touch of
nervousness. "Well that’s very nice, Miss, and we
appreciate the heads up on the raceway, so you can
just take us back—"

"I’m not finished," stated Lum. She coughed. "Now, you
have had the inconsideracy to place your planet in our
desired path for the Raceway, so we are going to have
to demolish it…"

Nadia frowned. "You’re going to blow up the Earth?"

"To make a race track," noted Hikaru bleakly.

"I was getting to that," said Nadia.

Lum shook her head. "You two are making this sound so…
petty. This is the biggest raceway in the universe!
The fastest ship we possess will still take ten years
to complete a single lap!"

Hikaru rubbed his temples. "So it’s going to take ten
years for your Emperor’s fifth birthday party to end?"

"Oh no," said Lum shaking her head. "Seventy years.
Give or take. It’s a seven lap race."

Hikaru stared at her for a moment. "So does the fact
that your emperor stands a good chance of being a
great-grandfather by the time his fifth birthday party
ends strike you as a tad—ridiculous, perhaps?"

"Not really," giggled Lum. "Why, Emperor Go’s twelfth
birthday party lasted one hundred years. It was
followed immediately by his funeral." A frown touched
her lips. "Actually he’d been dead for twenty years by
the time it was finished. That made things rather
awkward, I hear."

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "If I asked you, would you
snap my neck?"

"Only if you gave me a cyanide capsule for
afterwards," answered Nadia.

Hikaru stroked his chin. "I’ve got to consider that
one."

"Come one!" said Lum in a tolerant tone. "It’s not
like we’re dooming your species to extinction! We have
every intent of moving a reasonable sample of your
planet’s inhabitants to that red planet right next to
it!"

"Mars?" asked Hikaru flatly.

Lum looked at him blankly. Lt. Mar-Vell leaned over,
and whispered into her ear. She blinked then nodded.
"Yes, that’s the one. Mars." She bit her lip
nervously. "Mmm-hmm. Yeah."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Mars is a barren, cold,
inhospitable wasteland with NO BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE!"

"Oh, complain, complain," said Lum. "The Shi’ar said
the same sort of things when Emperor Gong took their
homeworld for a pool game and we moved them to Vegar
Seven! But that worked out great in the end! Didn’t
it, Ensign D’Ken?"

An officer glanced up. "Hell, these days we’re so used
to the random bombardment of lethal radiation, we
wonder how we ever did without it!"

"Please kill me!" said his second head.

"Ha ha ha! Ignore ‘Lefty’—it’s all meaningless
gibberish."

Nadia stared at Lum, her face stern. "What gives you
the right to destroy our world in the first place, may
I ask?"

"It belongs to us," answered Lum as if she was stating
an obvious fact. "We own the universe."

"Really," stated Hikaru flatly.

"Oh, there are a few people who dispute our rule, and
some hinterlands like this place where the natives
have yet to be properly educated about how things
work, but most of it’s come around to realize the
self-evident truth." She looked at her crew. "Isn’t
that right people?"

"Yes, Miss Lum!" they said in unison. "We are loyal to
the Oni Empire, under threat of torture, and a slow
hideous death!"

Hikaru was silent for a moment, then stepped towards a
large red banner with a horned black circle on it.
"This your flag?"

"Yep," chirped Lum. "The sacred symbol of our holy
Empire."

Hikaru nodded, then blew his nose on it. As the honk
echoed through the room, he strode away. "Sister,
consider us thoroughly uneducated and uneducatable
about how things work," he said quietly.

Lum clapped her hands gleefully. "Oh, goodie! I knew
this would be fun! Teeheeheehehe-tcha!" She crossed
her arms imposingly. "Know this, Earthlings! We Oni
are neither unjust, nor arbitrary. We will grant boons
to our subject peoples—if they earn them! Such is our
decree to all our subsidiaries!" She frowned. "Except
those filthy Skrull who are an abomination fit only to
be destroyed." She glanced around nervously, then
turned to Mar-Vell. "Are there any Skrull around?"

"No, Miss Lum. There are no Skrull around anywhere. At
all. There haven’t been for centuries. You Oni
massacred them in a series of atrocities so horrific,
that even we Kree, hereditary enemies of the Skrull,
who loathed their very existence, were filled with
pity and outrage at what had been done."

"So no Skrull?" asked Lum.

"That is correct, captain."

"If you say so," Lum muttered uneasily. She looked
back at the Earthlings. "Now, then, as I was saying,
the boons of the Oni are never given—they must be
earned through a trial that tests the one thing we Oni
respect—strength and cunning!"

"That’s two things," pointed out Hikaru.

"That’s what I said," replied Lum. "The two things we
Oni respect." She blinked rapidly. "Two things." She
coughed. "So, I challenge you seven to the contest in
which they may be proven, the most beloved game of the
Oni, the game at which I have never lost—TAG!"

Hikaru winced. "You know, I can perhaps accept a race
of aliens called Oni who just happen to resemble the
Oni of myth. But to accept that their favorite game is
tag is stretching things…"

"Oh, I don’t know," said Nadia. "It sort of matches
their culture’s general level of sophistication."

"Point," said Hikaru sorely.

"So, Earthlings, do you accept my challenge?" shouted
Lum.

Hikaru glanced around. Nadia stared at Lum
resentfully, fists clenched. Miroku was drooling in
lust. Inu-Yasha was glancing around nervously. The
Hulk was snoring, having apparently dozed off in the
act of picking his nose. Iron Fist and Ms. Power were
also drooling in lust.

"Look at those tiny horns," said Onizuka.

"And those great big knockers," added Saori.

Hikaru looked at Lum. "We accept."

"Excellent! To the arboretum!"

-----

It was a bit odd to see a fair-sized park on a space
ship, complete with a small lake, but Hikaru’s mind
was used to shocks. "There is only one rule in this
game—to win it, one of you must grab Miss Lum’s
horns," explained Lt. Mar-Vell.

"So, we could, theoretically, kill her," said Nadia
slowly, "and grab her horns afterwards."

Mar-Vell nodded. "Kill, maim, bludgeon unconscious—all
is permissible." He stared at them gravely. "Assuming
of course, that you can manage it."

"And naturally that goes both ways," noted Hikaru.

"Naturally," said the lieutenant quietly.

Hikaru glanced around casually. "So, what happens if
we lose?"

"You will be killed afterwards," said Mar-Vell. "As
for your people, those who perhaps manage to survive
relocation will receive all the benefits of the Oni
Empire. Terror, and random brutality."

"Fantastic," said Hikaru. "We’re playing the most
dangerous game with the universe’s biggest scale
imperialists…"

Yeoman Una entered holding a large pot. "The captain
bids her opponents refresh themselves on a hearty meal
of Oni stew." She dropped the bubbling pot of
greenish-brown ooze before the group. Most of them
blanched.

"Smells like your coffee," muttered Saori to Onizuka.

"Hey—my coffee only puts some people in the hospital."
Onizuka glanced down at the stew. "That stuff will
probably take out anybody."

The Hulk grabbed the pot, guzzled it down, then tossed
it away. "Food good!" he said happily, followed by a
burp.

Lt. Mar-Vell watched as the overturned pot ate a hole
in the ground. "Mar-Vell to maintenance. Prepare for a
potential hull breach in Section 23-E…" He glanced
back at the Earthlings. "Now, in a normal match, you’d
get seven days, but seeing are there’s seven of you,
that time has been cut to six hours."

"Shouldn’t that be one day?" asked Hikaru sharply.

"That is also accounting for your exceptional
abilities." Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Earthlings—I
have only one more thing to say to you. Though I
cannot influence the outcome of this contest—though I
risk death even saying this to you—I HOPE YOU BLITZ
THAT BITCH!"

Una gave an angry nod. "Take her down!" she yelled
with a ferocious waving of her fist. "Take her down
hard!"

"The contest begins—now," said Mar-Vell, as he and Una
were teleported away.

Hikaru turned to his compatriots. "All right people,
here’s the plan. We spread out to locate Lum. I will
use a simple telepathy charm so that if any of us sees
her, they can notify the rest." He glanced at the
Hulk. "Except for the Great Caesar’s Salad, who can
yell real loud. We branch out, while keeping our guard
up—I’ve no doubt Miss Squeaky is going to try and
ambush us…"

"I suggest we use teams of two," stated Nadia. "Except
for the Hulk, who can best take care of himself, and
is—ill-suited for teamwork." She glanced over her
allies. "I suggest Ms. Power and Iron Fist, Son of
Satan and Devil-Slayer, and of course, you and I."

"An excellent idea," said Hikaru. He glanced at the
others. "What do you guys think?"

"Ooh, pretty flowers for hammer girl," said the Hulk,
plucking a clump of what looked like sunflowers.

"Was that chick comin’ on to me?" gulped Inu-Yasha.

"That tiger skin bikini," murmured a leering Miroku.

"What rhymes with Lum?" said Onizuka dreamily.

" ‘Bum’, ‘thumb’—‘rum’." Saori licked her lips. "Boy I
could use a drink."

Nadia paled. "The world is doomed."

Hikaru nodded.

Onizuka waved his hand. "Relax—I heard you. I just
don’t see any reason why you should be the leader."

Hikaru crossed his arms. "Because I can yell
continuously for twenty-five minutes, and thirty-seven
seconds, without taking a breath, or getting hoarse."

Naida, Inu-Yasha, and Miroku all nodded. "This is
true," said Miroku.

"We have timed him using scientific devices," noted
Nadia.

"Well, now that we have a chain of command," said
Hikaru, "that being me, then Nadia, then everybody
else, we are all going to find Captain Oni and—"

"Hulk no hurt horn girl," declared the Hulk suddenly.

"What?" said Hikaru bleakly.

"Hulk no hurt horn girl. She not hurt Hulk. Hulk no
like hurt girls unless they hurt Hulk first." The
giant made a huge shrug. "Horn girl nice to Hulk. Give
food! Pretty flowers for hammer girl!" The Hulk
sheepishly raised his bouquet.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "If Hulk no hurt horn
girl, pretty hammer girl probably die."

The Hulk frowned at Hikaru. "Stupid magician probably
lie! He lie before! He make hand bee!"

Hikaru glared at him. "You know, stupid magician and
Hulk like some ways. Stupid magician also get mad
sometimes and smash things." Hikaru pointed to a
nearby tree, his eyes glowing red. A burst of energy
erupted from his finger, disintegrating the tree. "Him
smash them good." Hikaru looked at the Hulk. "If Hulk
no hurt horn girl, stupid magician get mad Hulk. Hulk
comprende?"

The Hulk stared at Hikaru. He stared at where the tree
had been. He stared at Hikaru. Thoughts, like
glaciers, dimly etched their way across his mind. The
Hulk gulped. "Hulk go find horn girl." He leaped away.

Saori and Onizuka stared at Hikaru. "Are you sure
you’re a superhero?" asked Saori nervously.

Hikaru smiled at her. "Actually, no, but people keep
telling me I am, so I try to humor them."

"Heh, heh, heh," laughed Saori nervously. She gulped.
"We better get going. Horn girls to find."

Inu-Yasha grabbed Miroku by the shoulder. "Us too…"

Nadia glanced at Hikaru after all their compatriots
had quietly fled. "You picked up ‘Hulk-speak’ pretty
fast."

Hikaru gave a dismissive shrug. "I’ve got a gift with
tongues."

Nadia smirked at him. "That’s something I’m going to
have to check one of these days." She started walking
away.

Hikaru had an impulse to blush but he suppressed it.

-----

Onizuka glanced at Saori. "This must be old hat to
you…"

Saori shook her head. "Nah—I mostly faced muggers,
thugs, and bank robbers, spiced up by the occasional
monster or mad scientist." She frowned. "The League
did have that whole ‘Negaverse’ invasion but I’d quit
by then." She glanced at him. "Really, that’s my mom’s
deal. She always had to deal with that crazy Gallactor
bunch. Of course most of them were just common prison
scum and mercenaries that Sosai X had recruited and
dressed up in those gay Gallactor uniforms. Except for
the leader, who was always some genetically engineered
freak the evil bastard had manufactured." Saori’s
frown deepened into a scowl. "Mom’s always going on
about how she saved the world from an evil invasion."
Saori waved her fist angrily. "From what mom? A
hermaphrodite and a giant toddler? That’s your rogues
gallery? That?" She burst into tears. "I was never
good enough, was I mom? You always had to make me feel
small! Like I could never measure up to you! And now
you wonder why I don’t..."

Onizuka coughed. "Umm, bad time for an emotional
outburst…"

Saori took a few deep breaths. "Sorry. It’s the lack
of booze. It’s been awhile since I felt anything
besides a comfortable numbness for any length of time.
Having—you know—feelings again—it’s making me cranky."

The grass around them rustled. The pair snapped to
attention, glancing around nervously.

Nothing happened.

They relaxed. "You scared?" asked Saori.

"Damn straight," answered Onizuka.

Saori nodded. "Me too."

-----

"I’m tellin’ ya, that girl was makin’ eyes at me!"
shouted Inu-Yasha in the tones of a man being dragged
to a forced execution.

"Was she?" said Miroku. "I didn’t notice."

"That’s ‘cause you were to busy oglin’ her to pay
attention to anything she actually said!" Inu-Yasha
turned away. "Ya know, I actually wonder some times
why we let ya stay with us. You mostly seem to just
waste all our time!"

Miroku sighed. "Inu-Yasha, that is a cruel comment,
but I for—"

Miroku’s sentence was cut short by Lum’s knocking him
on the back of the head. Inu-Yasha turned and drew his
sword, then charged at her, swinging. Lum leapt up,
and landed on the blade, the rushed forward, and
downed him with an uppercut.

The last words he heard were, "Sorry, darling", which
inspired such terror in him that even the knowledge
he’d been right was no comfort.

-----

Nadia and Hikaru turned. "Did you feel that?" asked
Hikaru.

"Yes," said Nadia. "Well, time to get going. Watch my
back."

"You make that sound like a chore," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at him. "Are you flirting with me?"

Hikaru blinked. "I guess I am. Wow. Now I know this is
a genuine apocalypse." Nadia smiled at him as they
headed off. A voice in the back of Hikaru’s head told
him to think about what he was getting himself into.

He managed to ignore it.

-----

"Here’s Miroku," noted Saori.

Hikaru nodded. "Bring him over here." He picked up the
sword. "Well, now we know she’s got Inu-Yasha—he never
drops Tetsaiga." He took a practice swing.

"That’s the same sword?" asked Onizuka. "It’s tiny.
And beat up."

"There’s a spell on it," said Hikaru, idly going
through a sword drill. "Only one such as Son of Satan
can wield it at its full power." He nodded. "Nice
heft, I have to admit."

"This is my fault," said Nadia quietly. "I should have
realized I was underpowering this team." She glanced
at Hikaru. "It should have been one of us with
Inu-Yasha and the other with Miroku. We’re both
powerful enough to handle her—it was foolish to pair
us."

Hikaru looked at her. "Don’t forget, I agreed with
your ideas. I should have seen it too." He shook his
head. "And I feel like an especial idiot for
complaining about nobody paying attention to things,
and then letting myself miss the obvious. That girl
had an itch for Inu-Yasha any fool could see, and I
managed to ignore the likelihood that she’d go after
him first."

"Well," said Onizuka, cracking his knuckles, "let’s go
get him. I figure a little ass-kicking will make
everything better."

Saori nodded. "Hear, hear…"

Nadia shook her head. "No—she’s expecting this. That’s
one of the reasons she didd this—to unbalance us, and
get us to act without thinking."

"So we just leave your friend?" asked Saori angrily.

Nadia shook her head. "No. We’ll find him—that will be
easy, because it’s what she wants us to do. But when
we do, we think things through, then attack." Her eyes
closed. "It’s the only way to win."

"Sub-Mariner’s right," said Hikaru. "We have to
remember, this is Captain Oni’s game—one that she’s
never lost at." He shook his head. "We can’t afford to
think of her as merely a ditz. No matter how much that
seems to be the case."

-----

"Teeheeheehee-tcha!" Lum smiled at the captive
Inu-Yasha, as swung from the tree branch. "You know,
when I wing this match, I’m going to have you spared,
darling. You’re so handsome, it’d be a waste to have
you liquidated."

Inu-Yasha stared at her for a moment. "Yer one crazy
dame, ya know that?"

Lum giggled. "You say the nicest things, my pwecious
darling!"

Inu-Yasha blanched at being called darling, especially
by a woman who’d him upside down from a tree, but then
a thought hit him—he could use this. "Say, Lum—if ya
love me, how ‘bout ya don’t destroy my home?"

Lum smiled at him fondly. "Oh my silly little darling!
If I don’t bwow up your silly ol’ planet, then my
cousin Ten’ll kill me, which means you’ll be sad,
‘cause I’ll be dead." She embraced him passionately.
"See! I’m destroying the Earth because I love you!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "How ‘bout you untie me…?" he
whimpered desperately.

"After I win the contest," answered Lum calmly. "Don’t
want you cheating, now do I darling?
Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Inu-Yasha shut his eyes. Okay, so his plan had failed.
They usually did when you got down to it. Thinking
wasn’t his strong point.

There was a rustling in the bushes. Lum released the
half-demon from her embrace, and glanced towards them.
"Oh, look darling! One of your fwiends is here!" The
Hulk burst from the bushes. Inu-Yasha gulped. He hoped
the ugly green jerk had forgotten about his hand.

-----

The Hulk glanced at the horn girl, and the ugly dog
boy. For a moment, he wondered what to do. But the
Hulk was a simple soul. Striking visual images were
what stuck with him. Like the pretty hammer girl. Or
the tree that the stupid magician had smashed.

The Hulk gulped. He didn’t want the stupid magician to
smash him. He charged at the horn girl and swung. The
Hulk blinked. The horn girl had leapt onto his arm
when he’d swung at her, and was presently perched
quite easily on it. The Hulk frowned. That was wrong.
When the Hulk swung at things, he hit them, and then
they got smashed. The horn girl not doing that
reminded him of his stupid enemy, who also did the
wrong thing, and didn’t get hit. The Hulk really hated
his stupid enemy. Snarling, he swatted at the horn
girl. She leapt onto his other arm, causing the Hulk
to hit himself.

It hurt. It hurt worse than when the stupid magician
had made his hand a bee.

-----

Hikaru and Nadia were the first to trace the Hulk’s
bellowing to its source. When they got there, Nadia
blinked. "Is she getting the Hulk to beat himself up?"

Hikaru nodded. Captain Oni was standing on the Hulk,
peppering him with a few blows, then leaping out of
the way so that the giant hit himself. "It definitely
looks like it."

"-And for the last time, I’m telling you if you’re
going to get touchy, you can carry yourself," said
Saori.

"But my injuries," moaned Miroku.

"Whoa!" said Onizuka. "Is she gettin’ the Hulk to beat
himself up?"

"It’s been noted," said Hikaru and Nadia
simultaneously.

Hikaru blinked. "Oh, great, now I’m starting to
resemble you."

Nadia glanced at him. "I don’t see any color coming
into your cheeks."

"That takes a lot of effort," answered Hikaru.

Lum finally stood still just a second too long, and
was caught by a wicked blow that knocked her to the
ground. The Hulk grabbed her and squeezed. "Horn girl
make fun of Hulk! Hulk CRUSH!"

Hikaru blinked. "Damn. The Pistachio Ponce might just
win this one."

"If he remembers to grab her horns," noted Nadia.

"Not necessarily. We can just grab them on whatever
carcass is left when he’s finished."

Saori blinked. "Boy, you’re cruel."

"Nah," said Hikaru. "Just Machiavellian."

"I hate to say it," said Nadia quietly, "but if it
comes down to her life and the uncounted billions of
Earth—then she will die."

"And let’s not forget we’ll be de saving whatever the
next stop is on the Galactus Raceway Love Tour," noted
Hikaru.

Lum strained against the Hulk’s fist. "Horn girl not
like get crushed, do she?" said the Hulk sternly.
Suddenly Lum shot out a blaze of energy. The Hulk
screamed and released her. Lum continued to shoot
bolts at him. Finally, she pressed her hands into the
giant’s chest. The Hulk groaned weakly and collapsed.
Lum stood over the mammoth form triumphantly.

"Not particularly," she noted.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru.

"Let’s strike now!" said Nadia. "She’s still
recovering."

"Did you see what she just did?" yelled Saori.

"I saw," said Nadia calmly, leaping into a sprint.

Hikaru shrugged. "Follow me, mes pards. Follow me…"

Nadia rushed at Lum, striking her solidly in the
chest. Lum tumbled backwards, then caught her balance
and leapt to her feet. She swung at Nadia, a skilled
blow Nadia just narrowly dodged. Nadia struck at Lum
gingerly, only for the Oni warrior to ward off her
blows using only her left arm. Lum made a quick
crescent kick that Nadia narrowly ducked under, only
to be suddenly knocked off balance. A hand made a
quick grab at her horns as she fell. Lum recovered and
made a sweep kick that her opponent leapt over. She
stood up, smiling. "You are good," she said. "I felt
no hint of your presence."

Hikaru frowned. "Oh, thanks. I was hoping to beat you,
but your faint praise is payment enough."

Lum smiled at him, then glanced at Nadia. The
Sub-Mariner’s mouth clenched. "I chose you well,"
muttered the Oni. She raised her hand, and waved them
in. Hikaru and Nadia rushed together as one. Lum
dodged the flurry of blows coming at her in two
directions, then took to the attack. Hikaru and Nadia
avoided her strikes, looking for openings. Suddenly, a
fist slammed into Lum’s back, knocking her forwards.
She did a handspring as she fell, and twisted midair.
She turned to look at Onizuka, Saori behind him.

"The first thing the Great Hero Iron Fist learnt in
streetfighting was—always watch your back."

Lum smiled, then charged forward. She and Saori met
with twin blows, both fighters being knocked back by
their opponent’s force. Lum regained her balance
first. She was about to charge at the still-unbalanced
Ms. Power when Hikaru and Nadia leapt at her. She
wielded off their attacks breath coming fast, as Saori
and Onizuka joined the grand melee. With the grace of
a master warrior, Lum dodged what blows she could, and
cagily absorbed those she couldn’t. Finally four blows
connected at once. Lum stiffened to remain standing,
then smiled. A circle of energy emanated from her,
knocking her opponents back. She gathered more energy
to her, readying a blast. As she let it loose, Hikaru
created a shimmering wall before him and his
companions, blocking the blast. Lum was knocked
backwards in the backlash, tumbling to the ground.

She stood up, unsteadily. The four heroes stared at
her quietly. Lum shook her head, smiling.
"Magnificent," she muttered, then soared into the air.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru softly.

"You say that an awful lot," muttered Nadia.

"Well, at least it means what I think it means," noted
Hikaru.

"Umm, guys," muttered Onizuka. "It’s the Hulk. He’s
hurt—really bad." He paused. "I think that blast—well
even he—he’s breathing funny."

Hikaru turned to the fallen titan. "Well, just let me
take a—oh, boy." He stared at the Hulk quietly. "Green
Genie really took a pounding for us, didn’t he?" He
knelt beside him. "Well, we’ll have the Day-Glo Dimwit
back to his relative normal in no time."

"You’re going to heal that thing?" said Saori
incredulously.

"He was hurt fighting on my side," said Hikaru
harshly. "I owe him." He touched his hand, a gentle
blue glow emanating from it, to the Hulk’s chest.

"He’s a living thing, Ms. Power," said Nadia softly,
"with as much right to live as any other creature. He
simply cannot help his nature. Poor beast. I pity him.
It is a terrible thing to be panicked, and alone, to
be surrounded by millions, and see no friendly face."
She nodded quietly. "I know that—very well."

"There," said Hikaru. "You don’t need much help, do
you, you neon numbskull? Just a gentle nudge, and
you’re on your way…"

The Hulk sat up unsteadily, and shook his head. He
looked at Hikaru in wonder. "Stupid magician help
Hulk," he muttered. "Why he do that?"

"Hulk get hurt helping stupid magician," answered
Hikaru. "Stupid magician feel obligated. He like
that." The Hulk nodded dimly.

"Umm, guys," said Inu-Yasha. "First, I’d really like
outta this tree. Second, the psycho bitch is comin’
back."

Hikaru glanced up to see Captain Oni soaring towards
them. He glanced at Nadia. "Shall we?"

"Why, shan’t we?" she replied. The pair stood up, and
took to the air.

"He can fly?" said Saori.

"He can fly," answered Inu-Yasha "Now some help here…"

Hikaru and Nadia met Lum in the air. Lum twisted,
dodging their fists, then rolled beneath them. As the
pair watched, she sped past them. "She’s fast," said
Nadia.

"She’s readying a bolt at the ones on the ground."

"Odds, bobs, hammer, and tongs," said Nadia, slapping
her forehead. "We rose to her bait, again." She
glanced at Hikaru. "Can you set up a barrier?"

"At this distance? Not with any reliability," answered
Hikaru.

"And I don’t think either of us is fast enough to
catch up with her," said Nadia sourly.

"We don’t have to be." Hikaru cupped his hand to his
mouth. "Guys! She’s getting ready to attack you!" He
looked at Nadia. "Ventriloquism. Not the most handy
power in the world, but it has its uses."

The five allies on the ground glanced up, as Miroku
finished untying Inu-Yasha. "Think you can make it,"
Saori asked Onizuka.

"Probably," he answered. Before any of them could run,
however, something surprising happened.

The Hulk leapt into the air, knocking into Lum. The
pair fell from the sky, Lum’s charge fizzling, and
plunged into the park’s lake, some ways away. Nadia
and Hikaru touched down on the lakeside. Hikaru
glanced to the other side. "Lum is dragging herself
out of the lake. She looks bedraggled, but fine."

"And the Hulk?"

Hikaru blinked. "The big green dope is now a big green
pig."

Nadia’s eyes widened in surprise. "Can pigs swim?"

"Not especially well."

Nadia nodded, and leapt in. She emerged a moment
later, holding the large, panicking green pig. "It’s
all right," she whispered. "It’s okay…"

As she set it down, Hikaru glanced it over and nodded.
"Jusenkyo," he muttered quietly, and pulled a thermos
out of his cloak. Nadia glanced at him. "My coffee,"
said Hikaru. "I need the occasional caffeine fix. And
by occasional, I mean regular."

"What else do you keep in that cloak?" asked Nadia.

"Wouldn’t you like to know," said Hikaru, unscrewing
the thermos top. He poured some coffee onto the pig.

It was instantly the Hulk again.

"How’d you—?" began Nadia.

"Magicians don’t reveal trade secrets," answered
Hikaru. "Even stupid ones."

"Magicians or secrets?" asked Nadia.

"Both."

The Hulk blinked at them. "You save Hulk," he said
pointing to Nadia. "How puny girl do that?"

"Puny girl fish girl," answered Hikaru.

The Hulk glanced at him. "Fish girl." He shook his
huge head. "Stupid magician make Hulk Hulk again. He
keep helping Hulk. Why he do that?"

"Stupid magician got many reasons," answered Hikaru.
"Like say, stupid magician Hulk like many ways."

"How?" asked the Hulk plaintively.

"Stupid magician know what like have people hate you
for face," answered Hikaru earnestly.

The Hulk mulled that over. "Stupid magician not hate
Hulk?"

"No. Stupid magician not hate Hulk."

"Stupid magician—friend Hulk?"

Hikaru was quiet for a moment. "Yes," he finally
nodded. "Stupid magician friend Hulk."

The Hulk stared at him, then clasped Hikaru tightly to
his shoulder. "Stupid magician Hulk friend!"

"Easy, Gruesome," chuckled Hikaru. "Stupid magician
need air to stay friend…"

The Hulk glanced at Nadia. "Fish girl also friend?"

Nadia hugged him. "Yes, Hulk. Fish girl also friend."

The Hulk smiled. "Nice have friends."

Saori came around a tree and blinked. "What—?"

"Just making friends," said Hikaru, extracting himself
from the Hulk’s grasp.

"So," said Inu-Yasha, joining them, "what do we do
now?"

Hikaru looked over the gathering crowd. "I’ll tell you
what we do. We stop fighting Captain Oni on her terms,
which is what we’ve been doing. Those are the terms
she’s been winning on, and if we fight on them, we
lose." Hikaru frowned. "I think I speak for every
manjack of us when I say I’d rather die twice then see
Earth destroyed for the pleasure of what appears to be
the most cretinous race in the universe. Am I right?"

There was an almost universal nod. The Hulk sniffled.

"What’s wrong, my good green Gargantua?" asked Hikaru.

"Hulk lose flowers for pretty hammer girl," he
whimpered.

Hikaru reached into his cloak and pulled out the
Hulk’s crude bouquet. Nadia stared at him. "Okay, now
how did you do THAT?"

"I’ll tell you later," said Hikaru. "Now, I’ve got a
plan, and as everyone who knows me can tell you, the
plan I get after getting pounded by these guys for
nearly an hour usually works." He meditatively stroked
his chin. "I have no idea why. I think it’s the blood
rushing to my head."

-----

Inu-Yasha and Nadia glanced at Lum, busily stretching
in a clearing. "Well, there she is," said Inu-Yasha.
"Just like I said she’d be…"

"That is correct," said Nadia, limbering up her hands.

"I don’t see why yer the one fightin’ her," said
Inu-Yasha.

"Because I can last the longest, and fight the best,"
answered Nadia. "I respect you Inu-Yasha, but you’re
more a powerful fighter than a skilled one. And this
job will require skill."

Inu-Yasha frowned. "She could kill ya, you know."

Nadia smiled. "I’m aware of that fact. Now go join
Hikaru. He’s counting on you." Inu-Yasha nodded and
darted away. Nadia took a deep breath, and strode
forward. "Captain Oni! I challenge you! This fight is
not over!"

Lum turned. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! Why it’s the
Sub-Mariner! I was hoping to fight you again! You’re
very good!"

Nadia crossed her arms. "Good? I’m a master warrior,
and a brilliant tactician. I’m as strong as a hundred
men, and as fast as a hundred winds. I’m in a class by
myself." She smiled at Lum condescendingly. "Now, you
child, are merely good."

Lum smiled. "Oh, goodie! Trash talking!" She took a
fighting pose. "So, Miss Sub-Mariner, if I’m just
good, how come I was able to hold you off when you had
three fighters on your side?"

"Because then I had to worry about them." Nadia shook
her head. "And now there’s just me."

Lum giggled and charged forward. Nadia ducked down and
tripped Lum as she passed. Lum rolled a ways, then
leapt to her feet. Nadia ran off, being careful not to
make it obvious she was leading Lum on a predetermined
course. Nadia smiled. Once again, bait was being
offered, but this time, Lum was the one taking it.

-----

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru. The sorcerer was sitting
cross-legged, eyes shut. Before him sat the Book of
Vishanti. Inu-Yasha looked at it. On it was some
nonsense about ‘the prison of the self’. Somehow,
reading self-help nonsense didn’t seem to helpful to
him. He looked at Hikaru. "What’re ya doin’?"

"Approaching stillness. Appreciating silence. Now
hush."

"Aw, come on," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Leave him alone," said Miroku. "He’s entering into
deep meditation."

"You can tell?"

Miroku nodded. "I am a monk. Those are advanced
techniques—indeed, I believe they represent the height
of the adept. These are the methods of a master."

"Wow," said Inu-Yasha. "What are they called?"

Miroku paled. "I, uh, really didn’t progress far
enough in meditation myself to know their names.
However, when the big wheels at the monastery
meditated, they did it the way he does."

Inu-Yasha stared at Miroku for a moment. "Ya really
sucked as a monk, didnchya?"

Miroku sighed. "Sadly, yes."

-----

Nadia and Lum traded blows on the dusky field. As
their arms locked, Lum smiled. "You really are a
master," she said cheerfully.

Nadia kicked Lum in the shin, and threw her forward.
"First rule of being a master," she said, walking
towards the fallen Oni. "Don’t distract yourself."

Lum leapt up, kicking Nadia in the head, then grabbing
her arms, and tossing Nadia over her shoulder. She
turned. "Second rule," said Lum. "Just because your
opponent’s fallen, don’t assume they’re down."

Nadia grinned up at her. "Seems like you haven’t
learned that one, Captain."

A boulder slammed into Lum, knocking her down. Several
others followed it.

"Stupid horn girl hurt fish girl! Hulk smash stupid
horn girl!"

Saori glanced at the jade giant, as she hefted another
boulder at the struggling Oni. "You know, I could
learn to like you."

"Banzai!" shouted Onizuka. "Another perfect pitch from
the Great Hero Iron Fist!"

Lum tottered as the boulders smashed into her.
"Slowing down, Captain Oni?" taunted Nadia. She leapt
at Lum, her hands reaching for the Oni’s horns. The
disorientated girl ducked down, sending Nadia
streaking towards the next incoming boulder. Nadia
gave a startled cry and punched through the stone. It
was a moment’s delay, but it was all Lum needed. The
Oni summoned up a blazing sphere of energy that
disintegrated the boulders as they rushed towards her.

"I’m just getting started, Sub-Mariner," stated
Captain Oni with a determined smile.

Nadia nodded. Attempt number one was a failure. But
there was still attempt number two…

She crawled towards the cairn of stones Hikaru had put
up for just this purpose, and knocked them over.

-----

Hikaru’s eyes snapped open. "It is time." He glanced
at Inu-Yasha and Miroku. "Go to our ambush. You might
be needed." The pair nodded and dashed off. Hikaru
shut his eyes and began to chant.

----

Lum laughed. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! This is the best you
got? Why my decrepit old grandmother was in better
shape the day she died!" Lum shook her head sadly.
"Ten told her not to go aboard the ship…"

At that moment, the sky darkened. A black cloud
appeared. A bolt of lightening streaked down, striking
Lum, and sending her sprawling.

The fact that this was in an artificial environment on
board a space ship only made it more remarkable.

As Lum got to her feet, she was startled to see Hikaru
Gosunkugi standing there before her. "Where’d you come
from?"

"Everywhere—" answered Hikaru.

"—And nowhere," answered a second Hikaru that appeared
next to him.

"Being!" shouted a third.

"And nonbeing!" a fourth.

"Darkness!" another.

"And light!" came the answer.

"I come from magic!" the gathering throng of Hikarus
shouted, as they began to march towards Lum. The Oni
gulped and flared up her protective shield of energy.
The Hikarus pressed against it, seeming to grown
incorporeal. "Magic in life! Magic in death! Magic in
strife! Magic in breath!" As Lum began to scream, the
Hikarus transformed into an inky black sphere that
engulfed her.

A wan Hikaru flickered into existence. He shook his
head, tired. "So, now it ends," he muttered. He limped
towards the sphere. "Release the head." Lum’s face
emerged from the black globe. It was quickly followed
by her fist, crackling with energy, which knocked
Hikaru away. Lum fell to the ground as the sphere
dispersed. She remained there, breathing heavily.

"Hikaru!" shouted Nadia. She grabbed his limp body and
lifted her up in her arms, carrying him away from the
hyperventilating Oni.

"Don’t mind me," he said weakly. "Grab the horns."

"Hikaru, if you’re there when she comes to, we’re
probably just as dead."

"Don’t necessarily blame her for that," muttered
Hikaru. "My head—too much magicking—and I teleported
on top of that…"

"You want to throw up?" asked Nadia.

"Not need—want," corrected Hikaru. "Need and want are
different things."

"Stupid magician not talk," said the Hulk with
surprising gentleness. "Him real hurt."

Hikaru glanced around at his gathered allies.
"Who’s—taking care of Captain Oni?"

"You covered that," answered Nadia calmly.

Lum slowly stood to her feet, her face now scowling.
She made a tottering effort to stand upright, and then
managed to step forward. Then a large staff hit her in
the back. She fell to the ground. Miroku deftly rolled
in front of her, and readied his hand to strike.

"That’s it Miroku!" shouted Hikaru. "Grab them!" The
hand struck. Hikaru winced. "Wrong them."

Lum blinked in outrage. After a few seconds in utter
shock, she screamed, "You—filthy PERVERT!" and smacked
Miroku in the face.

It was a moment’s distraction—not much, but enough for
Inu-Yasha to rush in behind her and grab Lum’s horns.
Lum’s eyes once again widened in shock. "You beat me,"
she gasped.

"That’s right, Cap’n," smirked Inu-Yasha.

"Do you know what this means?" asked Lum slowly.

"Ya ain’t gonna blow up Earth," snapped the
half-demon.

"Well, yeah," admitted Lum. "But you have to marry
me!"

If the expression on Inu-Yasha’s face had been
photographed, it could have been used in the
dictionary next to ‘horror’.

-----

"Well there, boy," said Admiral Invader, Lum’s father,
and First Champion of the Emperor, "I hope you decide
to do what’s right by my daughter."

"Shove her down a well?" muttered Inu-Yasha quietly.
Hikaru gave him a quick jab in the side. The oni it
seemed, had an interesting custom as regarded
marriage. If a male beat a female (or vice versa) at
their version of Tag, it was considered an offer of
betrothal. If the loser accepted, then they were
considered engaged. Of course, the winner could always
refuse, but doing so marked both of them with great
social stigma.

Somehow, Hikaru thought Invader would gladly blow up
the Earth if his daughter was summarily jilted.

Invader glanced Inu-Yasha over one more time. "Well,
can’t say I approve, but as long as you’re happy," he
said distractedly. "At least this takes care of the
Rei situation."

"An’ don’t I know it, Daddy!" chattered Lum.

"Now, off of matters of the heart, and onto matters of
the Empire," continued Invader, a grave tone to his
voice. "The Earth is now one of the protected sections
of the Oni Empire, under its own jurisdiction, and
untouchable even by the Emperor. This matter shall
stand unless another challenge is made, and the Earth
fails. Furthermore, if any challenge is issued, Earth
may choose her own protectors, and they shall be seven
in number." He stared at them. "You’ve won a great
victory for your world, Earthlings. You have my
respect."

"And mine!" giggled Lum. "The best darn match I ever
had, even if I did lose!"

"Silence, Captain," said Invader harshly.

"But Daddy—"

"I am speaking as your superior officer Lum, not as
your father. You have failed Empire, and Emperor. You
have ruined the plans for the Galactus Raceway, and
you have destroyed your own reputation." He took a
deep breath. "Only three times has an Oni champion so
humiliated themselves in a matter of such importance."

"The first was Ro against the Skrull, and he willingly
subjected himself to a second challenge, was
victorious, and killed himself. And so his name is
forever honored."

"The second was Chai against the Ctarl’Ctarl, who
chose exile and shame, dying in dishonor and disgrace.
And so the name of Chai is forever anathema."

"The third was Bo against the Puchuus, and of his
fate, like the Puchuus themselves, we do not speak,
save in a hushed whispers in the dead of night."

Lum, despite her natural cheeriness, gulped. "Well, if
I just do what Ro—"

"Beat them and kill yourself?" Invader snorted.
"Thanks to your vanity, you’ve given Earth such an
advantage that even you could not win. And you are our
greatest champion." Invader sighed. "For you,
daughter, is the path of Chai."

Lum shuddered. "You’re—exiling me?"

"Yes, Lum, that is exactly what I’m doing. You are
deprived of command immediately. You will depart from
this vessel, and begin your life among the creatures
whose virtual invulnerability you helped create."

"Leave… my ship…?" Lum’s voice seemed laden with
shock.

Invader shut his eyes. "As a father, Lum, I wish you
well. As your commander, and a citizen of the Oni
Empire, I wish you a horrifically painful and long
death. To those parts of me, you are no longer Oni—you
are anathema." He nodded. "Goodbye." As the screen
faded out, Hikaru heard him shout. "Are you sure there
are no Skrull here?"

Lum was silent for awhile, then coughed awkwardly. She
glanced at her former opponents. "So—any of you know a
place I can stay?"

Mar-Vell and Una gave each other a high-five.

-----

Kagome sat in Hikaru’s den. "Oh guys, where are you?"

At that point seven people materialized next to her.
"Hikaru! Inu-Yasha! Nadia! Miroku!" Her gaze lingered
for a moment on Saori. "Princess Power?"

"It’s ‘Ms. Power’ now, but yeah," said Saori
embaressedly.

Kagome clutched her hand eagerly. "Oh, wow! I’m your
biggest fan!" She squealed. "To think I’m holding the
hand of prominent superhero and former League of
Magical Girls member Princess Power!"

Saori was looking at her approvingly. "I hear you’re a
superhero yourself. If you ever want some—hands on
training…"

"Statutory," coughed Onizuka.

"Come by in a few years," she finished sourly. She
turned and gestured to Onizuka. "This is Iron Fist, my
loudmouth partner."

Kagome shook his hand idly while keeping eye contact
with Saori. "Nice to meet you, and I am going to take
you up on that invitation someday, Ms. Power."

"It’ll be a pleasure," cooed Saori, as Onizuka either
coughed or giggled into his handkerchief.

Kagome grinned. "And remember, the next time you’re on
a job, and you need help, you can always count on—THE
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!"

"No, Kagome."

"Fine," she sighed. "The presently unnamed group of
superheroes."

"Well," said Onizuka, "I’d like to think the same
thing goes in reverse." He reached into his pocket,
and handed Hikaru a card. The card showed two fists
striking each other. One said ‘Iron Fist’, the other
‘Ms. Power’. Beneath them was the words ‘Heroes for
Hire’ and a phone number. "Call us some time," noted
Onizuka. "When you need us. Or—whenever." He smiled.
"And remember we owe you one."

"You two were as much help as anybody, Onizuka."

The hero chuckled and shook his head. "Thanks, but I
know we were just tagging along for the ride. Saori
and I really aren’t cut out for this cosmic stuff.
We’re more local."

"Well—thank you," said Hikaru quietly.

Saori shook her head. "You know, when I met you I
thought you were a hopeless whiner."

"And I thought you two were reckless drunks," answered
Hikaru. "We were both right, but we also both more
fundamentally wrong." He smiled. "Take care you two."

The pair nodded, and walked out the doorway. Saori
glanced at Onizuka. "Now why’d you tell him we owed
him? He’ll be getting a freebie now."

"Oh, lay off willya? It’ll even up." Onizuka shook his
head. "Man, Ryuji will never believe this."

Saori chuckled. "That’s because you used to tell him
all those alien abduction stories…"

"Those were true, damn it!"

Nadia smiled. "Hard to imagine those are the same two
people we fought the Hulk with."

Hikaru chuckled, then froze. "Say—speaking of the
Great Green Gobstopper, where is he?"

"Oh, don’t worry," said Lum. "My crew dropped him off,
as per his directions." Nadia and Hikaru glanced at
each other worriedly.

-----

The Hulk glanced around his destination, puzzled,
pretty flowers in hand.

It seemed a lot colder than he remembered.

A pair of passerby gawked at him. "Crikey Wallace!
Look at that green bloke! He’s a tall drink of water,
eh?"

"Bob’s your uncle, Jack. Bob’s your uncle."

The Hulk blinked and then leapt from Trafalgar Square
as he started the long way back home.

-----

"That poor green bastard," muttered Hikaru.

"He’ll be fine," said Nadia soothingly.

"Sure," mumbled Hikaru. "What trouble can a
feebleminded green giant with a noble spirit and a
hair trigger temper get into?"

"Ahem," coughed Kagome. "Who is that woman?" she
asked, pointing at Lum, who was clinging
affectionately to Inu-Yasha.

Miroku coughed. "Going upstairs, watching a movie."

Lum glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Darling, who is this shrill
girl?"

"Darling?" said Kagome in deadly tones.

"All will be explained," said Hikaru. "For starters,
this is Lum Oni—your new houseguest!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "I thought you were gonna take her…"

"Nope, I got the last two," said Hikaru bluntly. "I
want to share the love, so this one’s yours. Because
that’s the kind of guy I am! Generous." He glanced at
Kagome. "Inu-Yasha can fill you in on the details."

Lum giggled. "Ooh, I’ll help! Anything for my pwecious
darling! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Inu-Yasha," drawled Kagome, "the dining room. Now."

"I hate you," whimpered the half demon as he left with
Lum in tow.

"I know," said Hikaru. "I’m bad. I’m nationwide. Now
go have fun."

As the door shut, Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Aren’t you
a little worried about this?"

"SIT!" came Kagome’s offended voice.

"Oh, my poor widdle darling," cooed Lum.

"They’ll work something out," said Hikaru calmly.

"You’re probably right," said Nadia. "So you want
to—go get a soda? Or something?"

Hikaru glanced at her uneasily. "Nadia—I’m interested
in—someone else. A girl I know."

Nadia stared at him for a moment, then burst out
laughing. "You thought I was—" She smiled and shook
her head. "Oh—come on!" She laughed quite hard. "I
just wanted—you know to relax. As friends." She walked
away very quickly. "I mean, really, why would I be
interested in a guy like you?" Nadia bit her lips and
headed upstairs. "Jerk," she muttered in a tone she
thought Hikaru couldn’t hear. In fact, he could. A
part of him wanted to follow her and tell her
something. But even that part of him couldn’t think of
anything to say.

"Hey, Hikaru!" said Kagome. "Want some lemonade? I
made it while I was waiting for you guys."

Hikaru nodded. "Sounds great." He glanced at her. "How
are things between you and Inu-Yasha?"

"We’ve reached an understanding," she said slowly.
"I’ve understood all I want to, and now I’m not
listening."

"Why, Kagome," said Hikaru fondly. "I believe you just
cracked a joke. I guess I’m rubbing off on you."

"I hope so," said Kagome wistfully. "I wish I was more
like you sometimes. You always know something clever
to say."

"That isn’t always the case," he muttered softly. "In
fact, it used to be I could never figure out anything
to say." He shook his head. "No, that’s wrong. I
usually could—I just didn’t have the guts to say it."
He glanced at her. "Which is an area in which you’ve
rubbed off on me." Hikaru smiled. "So I guess we’re
both helping each other." He laughed. "It’s funny—I
learned a lot today. I learned I can work with people
I may not initially like, earn their respect, and come
to respect them in turn. And yet, when I look back, I
see this is a lesson I’ve been learning for some time
now." He shook his head. "It’s sure been one odd
month."

"So," said Kagome hopefully, "does this mean you take
back all those mean things you said about Captain
Japan?"

"Hell no. I hate that fascistic bastard." Hikaru
frowned severely. "I mean, really? How am I supposed
to respect someone who names their sidekick ‘Bucky’?"

-----

NEXT CHAPTER

LUM: Hey people! Naturally, after such an exciting
chapter, you’re wondering how they’re going to top
this one! Well, they aren’t even going to try! Next
chapter is some boring ‘introspection’ and a
change-of-pace, slice-of-life sort of thing, so if you
just want to skip it for the chapter after that, well,
I don’t—HEY!

KAGOME: What are you talking about? Next chapter is
great! Folks, I know I wasn’t in this one very long,
but next chapter—I’M BIG! I’m practically narrating
it! You’ll get to see my thoughts, hear my viewpoints!
It’ll be—OUCH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!

LUM: Oh, like they care about you—I’m the exciting new
character! YEOOW!

KAGOME: Let me go! I said—AARGH!

CRIMSON COWL: Hey gang! I’ve got a cameo, so don’t
blink or you’ll miss it.

NADIA: You’re quiet, Miroku. Usually your wondering
why you didn’t get to do the chapter?

MIROKU: Mmm—what? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was
watching Lum and Kagome. Say, you—wouldn’t happen to
know where I can get a—vat of pudding would you?

HIKARU: Join us next time for ‘Strange Interlude’. And
no, there won’t be any pudding, in vats, or otherwise…

-----


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