[FFML] [Fusion][Azu/FMA] Fusions That Should Never Be V

[DB Sommer]

Fusions That Should Never Be V

Full Metal Azumanga

(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)

Yes, folks, it’s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around
a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place.
Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do
with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no
greater premise than ‘Cause I think it’s neat.’ Once again I shall
highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least
with more futility than usual.

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at

sommer@3rdm.net

All of my fics are stored at the following:

Larry F’s new address at:

http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/d_b_sommer/index.html

And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at

http://www.hostultra.com/~AngCobraFics/dbsommer.html

At fanfiction.net:

http://www.fanfiction.net/

Or R+C books at:

http://www.fanworks.org

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Minamo “Nyamo” Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing
off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was
Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn’t shown up for
guard duty. For Yukari’s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else
she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer
hadn’t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her
incompetence. But maybe Nyamo was an even bigger idiot for letting
Yukari talk her into resigning her own commission with the army and
joining up with this renegade alchemist. She just knew it was going to
turn around and bite her in the ass, like all of Yukari’s other
‘brilliant ideas’. It was only a matter of time.

A sound caught Nyamo’s attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy
circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning,
sleepy-eyed Yukari trudged into the room.

“Morning” Yukari waved.

“It’s the middle of the afternoon!” Nyamo spat.

That accusation aroused Yukari’s irritation. “You know, that sort of
mean attitude is exactly why I don’t wear a watch. You don’t see me
snapping at people because they’re a little late, now do you.”

“That’s because no one is ever later than you,” Nyamo pointed out.
“You’re going to get fired one of these days.”

“Ha! As if that’ll ever happen,” Yukari scoffed. “You’ve seen the boss’s
other assistants. We’re the only remotely competent people around. He
needs us.”

“I agree with everything but the ‘we’ part regarding competence around
here.”

Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. “Come on, lighten
up. It’s not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the
cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a ‘secret base’, emphasis
on secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here,
then they can’t attack it and we won’t be guarding it against anyone.”

Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
secrecy of the base?”

It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. “That’s your fault!

“How is it my fault?”

“You jinxed us with what you said!”

Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy sigil. She wanted to
use it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and
instead she pointed toward the cloud of dust kicked up by the exploding
wall.

Yukari suddenly became serious as well. “All right, here’s what we’ll
do. You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to it.”

Nyamo nodded. “Right. What will you be doing?”

Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
palm. “The most important task of all: getting reinforcements.” She
turned and ran.

Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold
the fort. She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway
across the room. “That’s not the way to the lab! That’s the emergency
escape door!”

“I’ll make sure its clear!” Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
and bolted through it. She didn’t make it more than a step inside when
she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. “See?
It’s not clear. Good thing I checked.”

Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall,
merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she
was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate
that had curling ram’s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson
glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.

While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the
dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and
walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red
overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was visible
in one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in
conjunction with the movement, their light red color showing up as she
walked into the light.

Nyamo drew back in horror. “Oh no! It’s the military’s infamous prodigy
transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!”

Chiyo winced. “Would you mind not calling me that? I’m not that short.”

Yukari said, “You’re the shortest ten year old I’ve ever seen. You’d be
short even for a midget.”

Chiyo’s face turned red as she trembled in anger.

Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. “Then
this must be the Chibi Alchemist’s partner, the most horrifying,
fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, ‘Death
Machine’ Sakaki.”

The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. “Does
this make me look less fearsome?” it asked hopefully.

“It makes you look worse!” Yukari screeched.

The armored figure’s shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

Chiyo was quick to come to her partner’s defense. “Sakaki has never
killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
intended to transmutation of the entire class. Things went out of
control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out
lives. The rest of our friends died.” Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

‘Death Machine’ Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a
comforting hand on her shoulder.

That helped boost Chiyo’s morale. “Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone so I can give
Sakaki back her body.”

Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet, to stand
side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were
confronting a child. One that couldn’t blow her up with a wave of the
hand, to be specific. “Bah, you’re nothing more than a dog of the military.”

“Dog of the military?” Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.

Yukari continued, “Oh ho, ho. I’m afraid you’ve bitten off more than you
can chew, runt.”

Chiyo scowled at the insult.

Yukari paid no heed. “I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in
fact. All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror.
I once cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying. I left because I
determined the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went
freelance, where there’s real money to be made. And you think you can
challenge me, one who could appropriately be called ‘The God of
Alchemists’?”

Chiyo said, “You were known as the ‘Crash Dummy Alchemist.’ Everyone ran
away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer’s car with
a tank, while he was still in it.”

“The gear shift was stuck,” Yukari defended.

Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. “Unlike my companion, I’m actually
pretty good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I
listened to some bad advice and quit.” She stared pointedly at Yukari.
“But I’m still one of the best there is.” She pulled a coin from out of
her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously
snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a
miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. “Now you
see how I earned the title, ‘The Ice Maiden Alchemist’.”

Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering “Ice Maiden Alchemist,”
several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo.
“I’ve heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time.”

Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.

Chiyo continued. “But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
Mustang mean when he says he was able to ‘melt the Ice Maiden by putting
some fire inside her?’ I overheard him saying that to some of the guys,
but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said
he’d tell me when I got older.”

Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off. “It’s
not important.” Nyamo said quickly.

Chiyo added, “I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn’t answer. She
just pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering
something about human target practice.” Chiyo shuddered. “I don’t ask
her questions anymore.”

“She is scary,” Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy
for Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.

Chiyo cleared her throat. “In any case, I discovered rumors about a
renegade alchemist trying to create the Philosopher’s Stone out here and
I’ve come to put a stop to him, as well as look over his notes and see
if they can help in my own research.”

“How did you find out about this place?” Yukari asked. “It’s supposed to
be secret.”

“Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
alchemist who was studying the Philosopher’s Stone.”

Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.

“What the hell are you looking at me for?!” Nyamo shouted, “You’re the
one that goes out drinking every night!”

“Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,” Yukari said
philosophically. “We have to stop these two.”

“Right.” Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.

Yukari nodded. “Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements.”
Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to
escape again.

It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began
lowering itself down into the room. It stopped after it had descended
about halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to
look over into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a
white lab jacket, surrounded by five figures that remained in the
shadows. Light gleamed off the man’s glasses, as he looked down into the
room.

Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. “It can’t be.”

The man said, “But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are
reunited, daughter!”

Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”

“That’s all right; you can still call me Daddy.”

“No way!”

Kimura clapped his hands in glee, “I see my plans are working. High
School girls are already flocking to me for my treatment.”

“Actually they’re intruders that are here to stop you,” Nyamo explained.

“It doesn’t matter! High school girls are high school girls!” Kimura
shouted.

Chiyo was teary-eyed. “Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to
perform that forbidden experiment on the class?”

“For this reason!” Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward.
They did so, stepping into the light.

“It can’t be,” Sakaki gasped.

“Our friends!” Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and
even Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though
they were ready to attend school. “I thought you were all dead! I saw
you broken down into your material components and sucked through a portal.”

“They were,” Kimura informed her. “But I brought them back. Well,
technically I recreated them, but it’s pretty much the same thing”

“How?”

“I made them homunculi.”

That caught Tomo’s attention. “Homunculi? I’m no homunculi.”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not,” Tomo insisted.

“Yes, you are. You all are.”

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”

Kaorin blushed furiously.

Chiyo laughed uneasily. “Actually, he means you’re artificial humans,
and not real ones at all. It doesn’t mean you like girls.”

Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”

“Um, I don’t know,” Chiyo admitted.

Kimura continued. “And since I recreated them, I have renamed them after
the seven sins. Behold Pride.” He pointed at Kagura.

Kagura scratched her head. “Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty
proud of my athletic prowess.”

He pointed at Tomo. “Greed.”

Tomo scrunched her face at that. “I don’t want to be Greed. I want to be
Pride.”

Kimura said, “You want to be Pride?”

“Yes.”

“Then you’re Envy.”

“What?! I said I wanna be Pride.”

“Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering from
the sin of Envy.”

While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
Yomi. “This is Gluttony.”

“Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!” Yomi shouted.

Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. “This is Ditziness.”

“Ditziness isn’t a sin,” Chiyo pointed out.

“None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,” Kimura admitted.

“I could be Anger.” Osaka tried growling in anger, but it was closer to
the growl one’s stomach made when hungry.

Kimura pointed to the last girl. “And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
lusts after me.”

“I do not!” Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.

Yomi snarled, “Yeah, that’s it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must
have a big behind because she’s Gluttony.”

Tomo smirked at Yomi. “I’m envious of your ability to pack down food
like an elephant.”

“Why you!” Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life,
shouting out how envious she was of Yomi’s ability to run fast despite
her large mass.”

“Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn’t it?” Chiyo asked
Sakaki.

The armored could only nod in agreement.

Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, “Why did you try to transmute
the class, and why try to create the Philosopher’s Stone?”

Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka’s attempts to punch him in anger by
placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm’s length while she
swung vainly away, said, “Because I need it to change the world.”

“How?” Chiyo insisted.

“Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size.
But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
unacceptable. With the Philosopher’s Stone, I can freeze high school
girls’ age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.”

“That’s terrible,” Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any taller.

“That’s horrible,” Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped
growing, she’d be the tallest one forever.

“That’s something I want in on,” Yukari insisted.

“Sorry, you’re too old,” Kimura told her,

The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. “Come
on, we have to kick his ass!”

“He’s the one paying us!” Nyamo pointed out.

Yukari suddenly became shifty. “Oh, are you saying you want him to
succeed? How easy do you think it’s going to be for us to get boyfriends
when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage
bodies?”

Nyamo’s look of anger now matched Yukari’s. “You’re right! We have to
stop his abominable plan!”

Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions.
“You must protect me.”

Yomi stopped running. “No can do, since I’m Gluttony, I must be too fat
to help you out,” she venomously spat.

“And I’m too envious to help anybody,” Tomo added.

“I’m so proud of my abilities, I don’t need to use them to prove
anything to anyone,” Kagura said.

“Don’t even think about it,” Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.

Osaka said. “I’ll help out.” Her latest attempt at anger made her look
like she was constipated.

Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, “Is
it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!”

There was a resounding chorus of ‘”Yes!” and he found himself buried
under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[END FIC}

Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
ideas like this rest in peace.



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[The Eternal Lost Lurker]

> Fusions That Should Never Be V
>
> Full Metal Azumanga

Oh God. XD

> Yes, folks, it’s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around
> a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place.
> Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do
> with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no
> greater premise than ‘Cause I think it’s neat.’ Once again I shall
> highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least
> with more futility than usual.

Can we get a link to your futility utility?

> Minamo “Nyamo” Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing
> off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was
> Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn’t shown up for
> guard duty. For Yukari’s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else
> she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer
> hadn’t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her

missed a 'her' here, as hard as that may be to believe

> Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
> felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
> secrecy of the base?”
>
> It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

Naturally.

> Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. “That’s your fault!
>
> “How is it my fault?”
>
> “You jinxed us with what you said!”

She has a point.

> Yukari suddenly became serious as well. “All right, here’s what we’ll
> do. You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to
it.”
>
> Nyamo nodded. “Right. What will you be doing?”
>
> Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
> palm. “The most important task of all: getting reinforcements.” She
> turned and ran.

Typical.

> “I’ll make sure its clear!” Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
> and bolted through it. She didn’t make it more than a step inside when
> she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
> fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. “See?
> It’s not clear. Good thing I checked.”

*snrk* She EARNED that one.

> Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall,
> merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she
> was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate
> that had curling ram’s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson
> glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal
being.

Hmm. Wonder who's playing the part of Al today...I have my hunches.

> Nyamo drew back in horror. “Oh no! It’s the military’s infamous prodigy
> transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!”

,,,heh. I half saw that coming--I knew Chiyo was going to be one or the
other. Casting her as Ed makes more sense.

> Chiyo winced. “Would you mind not calling me that? I’m not that short.”

Yeah, right.

> Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
> armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. “Then
> this must be the Chibi Alchemist’s partner, the most horrifying,
> fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, ‘Death
> Machine’ Sakaki.”

Okay, I was WAY off on that. I had my money on Osaka.

> The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. “Does
> this make me look less fearsome?” it asked hopefully.
>
> “It makes you look worse!” Yukari screeched.

*SNRK*

> The armored figure’s shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
> depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

Awww.

> Chiyo was quick to come to her partner’s defense. “Sakaki has never
> killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
> fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
> teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
> intended to transmutation of the entire class. Things went out of
> control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out
> lives. The rest of our friends died.” Chiyo sniffled at the memory.
>
> ‘Death Machine’ Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a
> comforting hand on her shoulder.
>
> That helped boost Chiyo’s morale. “Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
> righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone so I can give
> Sakaki back her body.”

Gee, that was a lot of exposition in a damn big hurry. XD

> Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet, to stand
> side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were
> confronting a child. One that couldn’t blow her up with a wave of the
> hand, to be specific. “Bah, you’re nothing more than a dog of the
military.”
>
> “Dog of the military?” Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
> idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her
head.

*groan*

> Chiyo said, “You were known as the ‘Crash Dummy Alchemist.’ Everyone ran
> away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
> were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
> were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer’s car with
> a tank, while he was still in it.”

*SNRK* SO believable. XD

> “But I’m still one of the best there is.” She pulled a coin from out of
> her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously
> snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a
> miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. “Now you
> see how I earned the title, ‘The Ice Maiden Alchemist’.”

I doubt THAT'S what earned her the name...

> Chiyo continued. “But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
> Mustang mean when he says he was able to ‘melt the Ice Maiden by putting
> some fire inside her?’ I overheard him saying that to some of the guys,
> but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said
> he’d tell me when I got older.”

*SNRK* Good one XD

> “Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
> about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
> alchemist who was studying the Philosopher’s Stone.”
>
> Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.
>
> “What the hell are you looking at me for?!” Nyamo shouted, “You’re the
> one that goes out drinking every night!”
>
> “Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,” Yukari said
> philosophically.

Especially when you know you're guilty and don't want to admit it.

> Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
> high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>
> “That’s all right; you can still call me Daddy.”

*SHUDDER*

WRONG. JUST. VERY. VERY. WRONG.

> “It doesn’t matter! High school girls are high school girls!” Kimura
> shouted.

So true...so very true...

> “I made them homunculi.”

*FACEFAULT*

> Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
> are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”

*TRIPLE FACEFAULT*

> Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
> change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”

Very nice bit of Osaka logic. :)

> Tomo scrunched her face at that. “I don’t want to be Greed. I want to be
> Pride.”
>
> Kimura said, “You want to be Pride?”
>
> “Yes.”
>
> “Then you’re Envy.”

*SNRK* Good one. :)

> While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
> Yomi. “This is Gluttony.”
>
> “Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!” Yomi shouted.

NO COMMENT

> Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. “This is Ditziness.”
>
> “Ditziness isn’t a sin,” Chiyo pointed out.
>
> “None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,” Kimura admitted.

Actually, Sloth sorta fits...actually, more than *sorta*, when you get right
down to it...

> Tomo smirked at Yomi. “I’m envious of your ability to pack down food
> like an elephant.”

*snicker*

> “Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn’t it?” Chiyo asked
> Sakaki.
>
> The armored could only nod in agreement.

Missing word there

> “Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size.
> But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
> unacceptable. With the Philosopher’s Stone, I can freeze high school
> girls’ age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.”

I like this idea.

> Yukari suddenly became shifty. “Oh, are you saying you want him to
> succeed? How easy do you think it’s going to be for us to get boyfriends
> when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage
> bodies?”
>
> Nyamo’s look of anger now matched Yukari’s. “You’re right! We have to
> stop his abominable plan!”

Heheheheheh.

> Osaka said. “I’ll help out.” Her latest attempt at anger made her look
> like she was constipated.

Oh, she's actually constipated. For real. Really.

> Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, “Is
> it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!”

Hell no!

> There was a resounding chorus of ‘”Yes!” and he found himself buried
> under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.

Heheheheheh.

> Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
> like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
> vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
> ideas like this rest in peace.

Indeed. But hey, it was great for a quick romp into the weird. XD

Do AzuNaruto next!! ^_^

==============================
"Capitalization is the difference between
'I helped my uncle Jack off a horse' and
'I helped my uncle jack off a horse'."
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(This space for rent)
www.lurkerdrome.com



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[DB Sommer]

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

>
>> Fusions That Should Never Be V
>>
>> Full Metal Azumanga
>
> Oh God. XD

Hey, someone had to do it. All series will eventually be fused with one
another.

>
>> Yes, folks, it’s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around
>> a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place.
>> Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do
>> with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no
>> greater premise than ‘Cause I think it’s neat.’ Once again I shall
>> highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least
>> with more futility than usual.
>
> Can we get a link to your futility utility?

Since my brain is rather stand alone, no, no you can't. :)

>
>> Minamo “Nyamo” Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing
>> off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was
>> Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn’t shown up for
>> guard duty. For Yukari’s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else
>> she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer
>> hadn’t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her
>
> missed a 'her' here, as hard as that may be to believe

Made a lot of grammar boo-boos. Teaches me not to revise a third time, like
I should have.

>
>> Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
>> felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
>> secrecy of the base?”
>>
>> It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.
>
> Naturally.

Waiting for Godat this is not.

>
>> Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. “That’s your fault!
>>
>> “How is it my fault?”
>>
>> “You jinxed us with what you said!”
>
> She has a point.

Oh, if only reality warped itself in response to what I say. I could
blackmail millions from people for things I wouldn't say. :)

>
>> Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
>> palm. “The most important task of all: getting reinforcements.” She
>> turned and ran.
>
> Typical.

Not the most stolid of people, not.

>
>> “I’ll make sure its clear!” Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
>> and bolted through it. She didn’t make it more than a step inside when
>> she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
>> fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. “See?
>> It’s not clear. Good thing I checked.”
>
> *snrk* She EARNED that one.

She earned more than that. But that's what she's getting in this fic.

>
>> Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall,
>> merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she
>> was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate
>> that had curling ram’s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson
>> glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal
> being.
>
> Hmm. Wonder who's playing the part of Al today...I have my hunches.

Chihiro, of course.

>
>> Nyamo drew back in horror. “Oh no! It’s the military’s infamous prodigy
>> transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!”
>
> ,,,heh. I half saw that coming--I knew Chiyo was going to be one or the
> other. Casting her as Ed makes more sense.

I figured being a prodigy of short status made the fit ideal.

>
>> Chiyo winced. “Would you mind not calling me that? I’m not that short.”
>
> Yeah, right.

Chiyo: It's not that I'm short. It's that the rest of the world is so tall.

>
>> Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
>> armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. “Then
>> this must be the Chibi Alchemist’s partner, the most horrifying,
>> fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, ‘Death
>> Machine’ Sakaki.”
>
> Okay, I was WAY off on that. I had my money on Osaka.

Oh, she'll be showing up.

>
>> The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. “Does
>> this make me look less fearsome?” it asked hopefully.
>>
>> “It makes you look worse!” Yukari screeched.
>
> *SNRK*

She tries

>
>>
>> That helped boost Chiyo’s morale. “Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
>> righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone so I can give
>> Sakaki back her body.”
>
> Gee, that was a lot of exposition in a damn big hurry. XD

It's a short story, and the reader needs to catch up in a hurry.

>
>>
>> “Dog of the military?” Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
>> idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her
> head.
>
> *groan*

It seemed the best way to abuse that continued curse from the series.

>
>> Chiyo said, “You were known as the ‘Crash Dummy Alchemist.’ Everyone ran
>> away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
>> were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
>> were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer’s car with
>> a tank, while he was still in it.”
>
> *SNRK* SO believable. XD

Yukari: Not true. I am a wonderful driver. It's just that trees occasionally
jump out in front of my car in order to hit it.

>
>> “But I’m still one of the best there is.” She pulled a coin from out of
>> her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously
>> snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a
>> miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. “Now you
>> see how I earned the title, ‘The Ice Maiden Alchemist’.”
>
> I doubt THAT'S what earned her the name...

Actually it is. As evidenced by her not being an Ice maiden around Roy. :)

>
>> Chiyo continued. “But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
>> Mustang mean when he says he was able to ‘melt the Ice Maiden by putting
>> some fire inside her?’ I overheard him saying that to some of the guys,
>> but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said
>> he’d tell me when I got older.”
>
> *SNRK* Good one XD

Couldn't have Nyamo not mess up on her own at least a little.

>
>>
>> “Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,” Yukari said
>> philosophically.
>
> Especially when you know you're guilty and don't want to admit it.

Amen

>
>> Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
>> high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>>
>> “That’s all right; you can still call me Daddy.”
>
> *SHUDDER*
>
> WRONG. JUST. VERY. VERY. WRONG.

Kimura has a heart of gold. He'd love all the girls to call him daddy. :)

>
>> “It doesn’t matter! High school girls are high school girls!” Kimura
>> shouted.
>
> So true...so very true...
>
>> “I made them homunculi.”
>
> *FACEFAULT*

Only way I could bring in the rest of them all at once

>
>> Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
>> are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”
>
> *TRIPLE FACEFAULT*

I thought I might sneak that one in, since they were homonuli in the series.

>
>> Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
>> change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”
>
> Very nice bit of Osaka logic. :)

Thanks. Only bit I got to use, sadly.

>
>> Tomo scrunched her face at that. “I don’t want to be Greed. I want to be
>> Pride.”
>>
>> Kimura said, “You want to be Pride?”
>>
>> “Yes.”
>>
>> “Then you’re Envy.”
>
> *SNRK* Good one. :)

He does raise a valid point.

>
>> While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
>> Yomi. “This is Gluttony.”
>>
>> “Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!” Yomi shouted.
>
> NO COMMENT

Heh

>
>> Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. “This is Ditziness.”
>>
>> “Ditziness isn’t a sin,” Chiyo pointed out.
>>
>> “None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,” Kimura admitted.
>
> Actually, Sloth sorta fits...actually, more than *sorta*, when you get
> right
> down to it...

..... Shoot. You're right. We'll try this:


“Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!” Yomi shouted.



Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. “This is Sloth.”



Osaka considered that. “I think I’d make a much better Anger. Watch.” She
tried growling in anger, but it came out closer to the growl one’s stomach
made when hungry.



Kimura pointed to the last girl. “And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she lusts
after me.”



“I do not!” Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.




>
>> Tomo smirked at Yomi. “I’m envious of your ability to pack down food
>> like an elephant.”
>
> *snicker*

You knew she had to jab at Yomi's new name somehow.

>
>
>> “Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size.
>> But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
>> unacceptable. With the Philosopher’s Stone, I can freeze high school
>> girls’ age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.”
>
> I like this idea.

You and Kimura are of the same mind, then.

>
>> Yukari suddenly became shifty. “Oh, are you saying you want him to
>> succeed? How easy do you think it’s going to be for us to get boyfriends
>> when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage
>> bodies?”
>>
>> Nyamo’s look of anger now matched Yukari’s. “You’re right! We have to
>> stop his abominable plan!”
>
> Heheheheheh.

Nothing like having your interests threatened to make you take a moral
stands.

>
>> Osaka said. “I’ll help out.” Her latest attempt at anger made her look
>> like she was constipated.
>
> Oh, she's actually constipated. For real. Really.

Heh

>
>> Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, “Is
>> it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!”
>
> Hell no!

double, heh. Maybe you can be Kimura in the live action movie of this they
will never do.

>
>> There was a resounding chorus of ‘”Yes!” and he found himself buried
>> under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.
>
> Heheheheheh.

He had it coming.

>
>> Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
>> like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
>> vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
>> ideas like this rest in peace.
>
> Indeed. But hey, it was great for a quick romp into the weird. XD
>
> Do AzuNaruto next!! ^_^

That would be evil, wouldn't it? So would 2X2 Naruto as well. :)

DB Sommer
>



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[hkmiller]

DB Sommer wrote:

>Fusions That Should Never Be V
>
>Full Metal Azumanga
>
>(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)
>
>
Thought this was going to be Full Metal Panic from the title. I haven't
seen FMA yet.

Hmm... an FMP/AZD fusion... apparently-ordinary girl Kasuga Ayumu, aka
"Osaka",
must be guarded by a gun-happy teenage soldier from Mithral. And I
suppose Chiyo
captains the submarine...

>Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
>felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
>secrecy of the base?”
>
>It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.
>
>
Heh. Of course.

>Yukari said, “You’re the shortest ten year old I’ve ever seen. You’d be
>short even for a midget.”
>
>
You know, that's true. And she doesn't seem to grow, compared to the
other girls,
in almost three years of the series..

>Chiyo was quick to come to her partner’s defense. “Sakaki has never
>killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
>fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
>teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
>intended to transmutation of the entire class.
>
At this point I was expecting Chiyo and Sakaki to recognize Yukari as
that teacher
in the next breath. So you surprised me; good.

>“Dog of the military?” Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
>idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.
>
>
LOL! I can just see Sakaki reacting that way, too.

>
>“Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
>about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
>alchemist who was studying the Philosopher’s Stone.”
>
>
Heh. Yukari strikes again.

>Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
>high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>
>
Heh. This was a surprise.

>“I made them homunculi.”
>
>That caught Tomo’s attention. “Homunculi? I’m no homunculi.”
>
>“Yes you are.”
>
>“No I’m not,” Tomo insisted.
>
>“Yes, you are. You all are.”
>
>Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
>are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”
>
>
Heh. Nice one! I can just see Tomo making this mistake, too.

>
>Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
>change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”
>
>“Um, I don’t know,” Chiyo admitted.
>
>
Very like Osaka, too.

>
>
>Kimura pointed to the last girl. “And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
>lusts after me.”
>
>“I do not!” Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.
>
>
Heh. Kimura wishes!

>Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
>like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
>vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
>ideas like this rest in peace.
>
>
Amusing fic. They didn't seem to go together too badly at this length,
but I can see
where it'd be hard to go on for very much longer in this vein.




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[DB Sommer]

hkmiller wrote:


>
>>
>>(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)
>>
>>
> Thought this was going to be Full Metal Panic from the title. I haven't
> seen FMA yet.
>
> Hmm... an FMP/AZD fusion... apparently-ordinary girl Kasuga Ayumu, aka
> "Osaka",
> must be guarded by a gun-happy teenage soldier from Mithral. And I
> suppose Chiyo
> captains the submarine...

Yeah. I was surprised when two series with 'Full Metal' in the title came
out at the same time, and that they were compltely different

>
>>Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
>>felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
>>secrecy of the base?”
>>
>>It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.
>>
>>
> Heh. Of course.

Even in comedy, you need some conflict.

>
>>Yukari said, “You’re the shortest ten year old I’ve ever seen. You’d be
>>short even for a midget.”
>>
>>
> You know, that's true. And she doesn't seem to grow, compared to the
> other girls,
> in almost three years of the series..

They comment on it at one point. It was one of the rare instances of Chiyo
acting irrational, thinking Sakaki had stolen her height.

>
>>Chiyo was quick to come to her partner’s defense. “Sakaki has never
>>killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
>>fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
>>teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
>>intended to transmutation of the entire class.
>>
> At this point I was expecting Chiyo and Sakaki to recognize Yukari as
> that teacher
> in the next breath. So you surprised me; good.

Needed a little twist in there.

>
>>“Dog of the military?” Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
>>idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her
>>head.
>>
>>
> LOL! I can just see Sakaki reacting that way, too.

Thanks. The accusation got tiring fast in FMA, so this was a neat little jab
at it.

>
>>
>>“Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
>>about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
>>alchemist who was studying the Philosopher’s Stone.”
>>
>>
> Heh. Yukari strikes again.

Thinking is not her strong point

>
>>Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
>>high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>>
>>
> Heh. This was a surprise.

He had to figure in it somewhere

>
>>“I made them homunculi.”
>>
>>That caught Tomo’s attention. “Homunculi? I’m no homunculi.”
>>
>>“Yes you are.”
>>
>>“No I’m not,” Tomo insisted.
>>
>>“Yes, you are. You all are.”
>>
>>Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
>>are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”
>>
>>
> Heh. Nice one! I can just see Tomo making this mistake, too.

Heck, she thought reindeer were real. :)

>
>>
>>Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
>>change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”
>>
>>“Um, I don’t know,” Chiyo admitted.
>>
>>
> Very like Osaka, too.

Yeah, one of the few lines I could give Osaka in this.

>
>>
>>
>>Kimura pointed to the last girl. “And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
>>lusts after me.”
>>
>>“I do not!” Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.
>>
>>
> Heh. Kimura wishes!

Yep.

>
>>Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
>>like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
>>vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
>>ideas like this rest in peace.
>>
>>
> Amusing fic. They didn't seem to go together too badly at this length,
> but I can see
> where it'd be hard to go on for very much longer in this vein.

I always make them FTSNB comedies, so as to entertain as well as rant.
Actually, you probably could do it with some of them seriously, but you need
a whole lot of talent to pull it off. I do not even bother. I just skewer as
a whole

DB Sommer

>



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[Nugar]

DB Sommer wrote:

>Fusions That Should Never Be V
>
>
>
$Couple of days late on this one...

>Full Metal Azumanga
>
>(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)
>
>Yes, folks, it’s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around
>a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place.
>Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do
>with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no
>greater premise than ‘Cause I think it’s neat.’ Once again I shall
>highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least
>with more futility than usual.
>
>Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at
>
>sommer@3rdm.net
>
>
>
$What happened to sommert@connecttime.net?

>Minamo “Nyamo” Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing
>off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was
>Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn’t shown up for
>guard duty. For Yukari’s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else
>she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer
>hadn’t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her
>incompetence. But maybe Nyamo was an even bigger idiot for letting
>Yukari talk her into resigning her own commission with the army and
>joining up with this renegade alchemist. She just knew it was going to
>turn around and bite her in the ass, like all of Yukari’s other
>‘brilliant ideas’. It was only a matter of time.
>
>A sound caught Nyamo’s attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy
>circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning,
>sleepy-eyed Yukari trudged into the room.
>
>“Morning” Yukari waved.
>
>
>
$"Morning," Yukaria said with a yawn and a wave.
Or something.

>“It’s the middle of the afternoon!” Nyamo spat.
>
>That accusation aroused Yukari’s irritation. “You know, that sort of
>mean attitude is exactly why I don’t wear a watch. You don’t see me
>snapping at people because they’re a little late, now do you.”
>
>
>
$you?"

>“That’s because no one is ever later than you,” Nyamo pointed out.
>“You’re going to get fired one of these days.”
>
>“Ha! As if that’ll ever happen,” Yukari scoffed. “You’ve seen the boss’s
>other assistants. We’re the only remotely competent people around. He
>needs us.”
>
>“I agree with everything but the ‘we’ part regarding competence around
>here.”
>
>Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. “Come on, lighten
>up. It’s not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the
>cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a ‘secret base’, emphasis
>on secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here,
>then they can’t attack it and we won’t be guarding it against anyone.”
>
>Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
>felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
>secrecy of the base?”
>
>It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.
>
>
>
$Heh. Action has to start soon in a story this short.

>Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. “That’s your fault!
>
>“How is it my fault?”
>
>“You jinxed us with what you said!”
>
>
>
$Gotta side with Yukari on this one.

>“I’ll make sure its clear!” Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
>and bolted through it. She didn’t make it more than a step inside when
>she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
>fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. “See?
>It’s not clear. Good thing I checked.”
>
>
>
$Heheh.

>Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall,
>merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she
>was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate
>that had curling ram’s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson
>glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.
>
>While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the
>dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and
>walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red
>overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was visible
>in one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in
>conjunction with the movement, their light red color showing up as she
>walked into the light.
>
>Nyamo drew back in horror. “Oh no! It’s the military’s infamous prodigy
>transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!”
>
>
>
$Cute.

>Chiyo winced. “Would you mind not calling me that? I’m not that short.”
>
>Yukari said, “You’re the shortest ten year old I’ve ever seen. You’d be
>short even for a midget.”
>
>Chiyo’s face turned red as she trembled in anger.
>
>
>
$Heheh. She does have a temper.

>Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
>armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. “Then
>this must be the Chibi Alchemist’s partner, the most horrifying,
>fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, ‘Death
>Machine’ Sakaki.”
>
>The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. “Does
>this make me look less fearsome?” it asked hopefully.
>
>
>
$Heh. It's cute, but only to the fanboys.

>“It makes you look worse!” Yukari screeched.
>
>The armored figure’s shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
>depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.
>
>Chiyo was quick to come to her partner’s defense. “Sakaki has never
>killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
>fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
>teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
>intended to transmutation of the entire class. Things went out of
>
>
$transmute the

>control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out
>lives. The rest of our friends died.” Chiyo sniffled at the memory.
>
>‘Death Machine’ Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a
>comforting hand on her shoulder.
>
>That helped boost Chiyo’s morale. “Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
>righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone so I can give
>Sakaki back her body.”
>
>
>
$Chiyo: And make me taller.

>Chiyo said, “You were known as the ‘Crash Dummy Alchemist.’ Everyone ran
>away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
>were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
>were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer’s car with
>a tank, while he was still in it.”
>
>“The gear shift was stuck,” Yukari defended.
>
>
>
$Besides, he deserved it.

>Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. “Unlike my companion, I’m actually
>pretty good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I
>listened to some bad advice and quit.” She stared pointedly at Yukari.
>“But I’m still one of the best there is.” She pulled a coin from out of
>her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously
>snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a
>miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. “Now you
>see how I earned the title, ‘The Ice Maiden Alchemist’.”
>
>Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering “Ice Maiden Alchemist,”
>several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo.
>“I’ve heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time.”
>
>Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.
>
>Chiyo continued. “But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
>Mustang mean when he says he was able to ‘melt the Ice Maiden by putting
>some fire inside her?’ I overheard him saying that to some of the guys,
>but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said
>he’d tell me when I got older.”
>
>Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off. “It’s
>not important.” Nyamo said quickly.
>
>Chiyo added, “I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn’t answer. She
>just pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering
>something about human target practice.” Chiyo shuddered. “I don’t ask
>her questions anymore.”
>
>“She is scary,” Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy
>for Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.
>
>
>
$Heheh. Anyone with any sense would have quit. Power corrupts.
Alchemical power apparently corrupts mental stability.

>Chiyo cleared her throat. “In any case, I discovered rumors about a
>renegade alchemist trying to create the Philosopher’s Stone out here and
>I’ve come to put a stop to him, as well as look over his notes and see
>if they can help in my own research.”
>
>“How did you find out about this place?” Yukari asked. “It’s supposed to
>be secret.”
>
>“Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
>about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
>alchemist who was studying the Philosopher’s Stone.”
>
>Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.
>
>“What the hell are you looking at me for?!” Nyamo shouted, “You’re the
>one that goes out drinking every night!”
>
>“Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,” Yukari said
>philosophically. “We have to stop these two.”
>
>“Right.” Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.
>
>Yukari nodded. “Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements.”
>Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to
>escape again.
>
>It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began
>lowering itself down into the room. It stopped after it had descended
>about halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to
>look over into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a
>white lab jacket, surrounded by five figures that remained in the
>shadows. Light gleamed off the man’s glasses, as he looked down into the
>room.
>
>Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. “It can’t be.”
>
>The man said, “But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are
>reunited, daughter!”
>
>Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
>high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>
>“That’s all right; you can still call me Daddy.”
>
>
>
$Always liked him. He was always shown to be a really decent,
upstanding guy, except for the schoolgirl fetish, but who am I to point
fingers?

>“No way!”
>
>Kimura clapped his hands in glee, “I see my plans are working. High
>School girls are already flocking to me for my treatment.”
>
>“Actually they’re intruders that are here to stop you,” Nyamo explained.
>
>“It doesn’t matter! High school girls are high school girls!” Kimura
>shouted.
>
>Chiyo was teary-eyed. “Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to
>perform that forbidden experiment on the class?”
>
>“For this reason!” Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward.
>They did so, stepping into the light.
>
>“It can’t be,” Sakaki gasped.
>
>“Our friends!” Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and
>even Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though
>they were ready to attend school. “I thought you were all dead! I saw
>you broken down into your material components and sucked through a portal.”
>
>“They were,” Kimura informed her. “But I brought them back. Well,
>technically I recreated them, but it’s pretty much the same thing”
>
>
>
$thing."

Yeah, souls just get in the way.

>“How?”
>
>“I made them homunculi.”
>
>That caught Tomo’s attention. “Homunculi? I’m no homunculi.”
>
>“Yes you are.”
>
>“No I’m not,” Tomo insisted.
>
>“Yes, you are. You all are.”
>
>Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
>are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”
>
>Kaorin blushed furiously.
>
>
>
$Yomi: Hey, Tomo. What color are my stockings?
Tomo: Black, why?
Yomi: Aha! You were checking out my legs! I knew it!
Osaka: Don't worry, we've accepted Kaorin, we'll accept you. But you
have to change in the boys room.

>Chiyo laughed uneasily. “Actually, he means you’re artificial humans,
>and not real ones at all. It doesn’t mean you like girls.”
>
>Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
>change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”
>
>“Um, I don’t know,” Chiyo admitted.
>
>
>
$Yes, actually, it would. It'd be splenda.

>Kimura continued. “And since I recreated them, I have renamed them after
>the seven sins. Behold Pride.” He pointed at Kagura.
>
>Kagura scratched her head. “Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty
>proud of my athletic prowess.”
>
>He pointed at Tomo. “Greed.”
>
>Tomo scrunched her face at that. “I don’t want to be Greed. I want to be
>Pride.”
>
>Kimura said, “You want to be Pride?”
>
>“Yes.”
>
>“Then you’re Envy.”
>
>“What?! I said I wanna be Pride.”
>
>“Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering from
>the sin of Envy.”
>
>While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
>Yomi.
>
$Tomo trying to wrap her mind around something is like trying to wrap a
freshly microwaved tortilla around a pat of butter. Its still
technically going to be the same substance, but it's going to ooze back
out in a completely unrecognizable form.

> “This is Gluttony.”
>
>“Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!” Yomi shouted.
>
>Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. “This is Ditziness.”
>
>“Ditziness isn’t a sin,” Chiyo pointed out.
>
>“None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,” Kimura admitted.
>
>“I could be Anger.” Osaka tried growling in anger, but it was closer to
>the growl one’s stomach made when hungry.
>
>Kimura pointed to the last girl. “And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
>lusts after me.”
>
>“I do not!” Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.
>
>Yomi snarled, “Yeah, that’s it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must
>have a big behind because she’s Gluttony.”
>
>Tomo smirked at Yomi. “I’m envious of your ability to pack down food
>like an elephant.”
>
>“Why you!” Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life,
>shouting out how envious she was of Yomi’s ability to run fast despite
>her large mass.”
>
>“Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn’t it?” Chiyo asked
>Sakaki.
>
>The armored could only nod in agreement.
>
>
>
$The armored? That sounds more like a heavy metal band or something.

>Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, “Why did you try to transmute
>the class, and why try to create the Philosopher’s Stone?”
>
>Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka’s attempts to punch him in anger by
>placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm’s length while she
>swung vainly away, said, “Because I need it to change the world.”
>
>“How?” Chiyo insisted.
>
>“Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size.
>But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
>unacceptable. With the Philosopher’s Stone, I can freeze high school
>girls’ age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.”
>
>“That’s terrible,” Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any taller.
>
>“That’s horrible,” Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped
>growing, she’d be the tallest one forever.
>
>“That’s something I want in on,” Yukari insisted.
>
>“Sorry, you’re too old,” Kimura told her,
>
>
>
$her.

>The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. “Come
>on, we have to kick his ass!”
>
>“He’s the one paying us!” Nyamo pointed out.
>
>Yukari suddenly became shifty. “Oh, are you saying you want him to
>succeed? How easy do you think it’s going to be for us to get boyfriends
>when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage
>bodies?”
>
>Nyamo’s look of anger now matched Yukari’s. “You’re right! We have to
>stop his abominable plan!”
>
>Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions.
>“You must protect me.”
>
>Yomi stopped running. “No can do, since I’m Gluttony, I must be too fat
>to help you out,” she venomously spat.
>
>“And I’m too envious to help anybody,” Tomo added.
>
>“I’m so proud of my abilities, I don’t need to use them to prove
>anything to anyone,” Kagura said.
>
>“Don’t even think about it,” Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.
>
>Osaka said. “I’ll help out.” Her latest attempt at anger made her look
>like she was constipated.
>
>Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, “Is
>it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!”
>
>
>
$Weeeell..... As long as they grew up mentally I guess...

>There was a resounding chorus of ‘”Yes!” and he found himself buried
>under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.
>
>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
>[END FIC}
>
>Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
>like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
>vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
>ideas like this rest in peace.
>
>
$Heh. Still, if you're talented enough, you can write a story about
pretty much anything and make it entertaining. So long as you know when
to finally stop beating the dead horse.

Cute, overall, but not the best Fusion that shouldn't be.

-Nugar



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[DB Sommer]

Nugar wrote:

>
> DB Sommer wrote:
>
>>Fusions That Should Never Be V
>>
>>
>>
> $Couple of days late on this one...

It happens. No worries. I'm just glad you got back to me.

>>
>>
>>
> $What happened to sommert@connecttime.net?

was having problems with it at the time. Now the problems seem to be fixed,
once I talked to someone competant at the provider

>
>>A sound caught Nyamo’s attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy
>>circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning,
>>sleepy-eyed Yukari trudged into the room.
>>
>>“Morning” Yukari waved.
>>
>>
>>
> $"Morning," Yukaria said with a yawn and a wave.
> Or something.

Okay. Used most of the grammar corrections. I made a lot more mistakes than
usual in this one.

>
>>“>>
>>Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. “Come on, lighten
>>up. It’s not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the
>>cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a ‘secret base’, emphasis
>>on secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here,
>>then they can’t attack it and we won’t be guarding it against anyone.”
>>
>>Nyamo felt a headache coming on. “Don’t you think that since the boss
>>felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
>>secrecy of the base?”
>>
>>It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.
>>
>>
>>
> $Heh. Action has to start soon in a story this short.

Yep

>
>>Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. “That’s your fault!
>>
>>“How is it my fault?”
>>
>>“You jinxed us with what you said!”
>>
>>
>>
> $Gotta side with Yukari on this one.

Most people seemed to. I only wish reality would warp itself in regards to
what I say. I could blackmail others for millions for the things I wouldn't
say. :)

>
>>“I’ll make sure its clear!” Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
>>and bolted through it. She didn’t make it more than a step inside when
>>she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
>>fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. “See?
>>It’s not clear. Good thing I checked.”
>>
>>
>>
> $Heheh.

Well, it was.

>
>>
>>Nyamo drew back in horror. “Oh no! It’s the military’s infamous prodigy
>>transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!”
>>
>>
>>
> $Cute.

Goes with the whole 'Ed is Short' thing.
>
>>Chiyo winced. “Would you mind not calling me that? I’m not that short.”
>>
>>Yukari said, “You’re the shortest ten year old I’ve ever seen. You’d be
>>short even for a midget.”
>>
>>Chiyo’s face turned red as she trembled in anger.
>>
>>
>>
> $Heheh. She does have a temper.

She does in the series as well, it just doesn't come out too often.

>
>>Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
>>armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. “Then
>>this must be the Chibi Alchemist’s partner, the most horrifying,
>>fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, ‘Death
>>Machine’ Sakaki.”
>>
>>The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. “Does
>>this make me look less fearsome?” it asked hopefully.
>>
>>
>>
> $Heh. It's cute, but only to the fanboys.

Aw, I thought it was typical hopeful Sakaki.

>
control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out
>>lives. The rest of our friends died.” Chiyo sniffled at the memory.
>>
>>‘Death Machine’ Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a
>>comforting hand on her shoulder.
>>
>>That helped boost Chiyo’s morale. “Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
>>righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone so I can give
>>Sakaki back her body.”
>>
>>
>>
> $Chiyo: And make me taller.

No, she'd never use it for her own ends, outside of her stated goals. :)

>
>>Chiyo said, “You were known as the ‘Crash Dummy Alchemist.’ Everyone ran
>>away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
>>were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
>>were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer’s car with
>>a tank, while he was still in it.”
>>
>>“The gear shift was stuck,” Yukari defended.
>>
>>
>>
> $Besides, he deserved it.

Heh

>
>>
>>“She is scary,” Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy
>>for Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.
>>
>>
>>
> $Heheh. Anyone with any sense would have quit. Power corrupts.
> Alchemical power apparently corrupts mental stability.

Hawkeye wasn't an Alchemist, though. She just liked her guns. Used them to
housebreak her puppy. Scary girl.

>>
>>Chiyo’s surprise turned to disgust. “You’re not my father. You’re my old
>>high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.”
>>
>>“That’s all right; you can still call me Daddy.”
>>
>>
>>
> $Always liked him. He was always shown to be a really decent,
> upstanding guy, except for the schoolgirl fetish, but who am I to point
> fingers?

Yes, but it is quite the disturbing characteristic. Just ask Kaorin.

>
>
> Yeah, souls just get in the way.
>
>>“How?”
>>
>>“I made them homunculi.”
>>
>>That caught Tomo’s attention. “Homunculi? I’m no homunculi.”
>>
>>“Yes you are.”
>>
>>“No I’m not,” Tomo insisted.
>>
>>“Yes, you are. You all are.”
>>
>>Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. “The heck we
>>are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin’s ever looked at another girl.”
>>
>>Kaorin blushed furiously.
>>
>>
>>
> $Yomi: Hey, Tomo. What color are my stockings?
> Tomo: Black, why?
> Yomi: Aha! You were checking out my legs! I knew it!
> Osaka: Don't worry, we've accepted Kaorin, we'll accept you. But you
> have to change in the boys room.

Heh

>
>>Chiyo laughed uneasily. “Actually, he means you’re artificial humans,
>>and not real ones at all. It doesn’t mean you like girls.”
>>
>>Osaka pondered that. “Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
>>change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?”
>>
>>“Um, I don’t know,” Chiyo admitted.
>>
>>
>>
> $Yes, actually, it would. It'd be splenda.

Heh.

>
>>
>>While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
>>Yomi.
>>
> $Tomo trying to wrap her mind around something is like trying to wrap a
> freshly microwaved tortilla around a pat of butter. Its still
> technically going to be the same substance, but it's going to ooze back
> out in a completely unrecognizable form.

Ha! As good a term for it as I've ever heard.

>>
>>Osaka said. “I’ll help out.” Her latest attempt at anger made her look
>>like she was constipated.
>>
>>Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, “Is
>>it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!”
>>
>>
>>
> $Weeeell..... As long as they grew up mentally I guess...

Unfortunately for him, none of the people in the room agree with that idea.

>
>>
>>Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
>>like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
>>vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
>>ideas like this rest in peace.
>>
>>
> $Heh. Still, if you're talented enough, you can write a story about
> pretty much anything and make it entertaining. So long as you know when
> to finally stop beating the dead horse.

Like now? :)

>
> Cute, overall, but not the best Fusion that shouldn't be.

They vary from time to time. I try to make them entertaining.

Thanks for the help on all the fics. It helped me out a great deal.

DB Sommer
>
>


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