[FFML] [LOVE HINA] [XOVER/FUSION] His Big Secrets [Rough Draft here]

[Cute Neko Hibiki]

Disclaimer at bottom to avoid giving away surprise crossover.



His Big Secrets

By

Cute Neko Hibiki



Prologue



My name is Keitaro Urashima and I have two secrets. One of my secrets
began a year before I arrived at the Hinata Inn. Looking back on what
happened to me after I arrived I am glad it did. I never would have
survived there if it hadn't. I would have been killed by now. Since
arriving I have been hit, blown up, attacked with weapons, run over,
walked on, beaten, and other things by very angry girls. Yep. An ordinary
man
would really be dead by now.

My other secret is one I hope I am never upon to honor. It is my prayer
that it will not be necessary in my lifetime.

Now I am out here in a deserted area waiting. Naru was kidnapped and
the kidnapper said to meet him out here or Naru would die. Now I don't
really like Naru, she's always attacking me lately, but I don't want her
to die either.

Suddenly there is a noise and he appears, stepping out from behind a
tree.

"I see you arrived here after all. Hmmm. Truth to tell I thought you
would be too much a coward to show up here Urashima." he said to me.

I faced him and said "Where is Naru! I demand you show her to me!
Otherwise I will assume she is dead and leave to get the cops!"

"No need to involve them in this kid. She's right here." he said
gesturing to behind the tree. He reached out and pulled her into my view,
then said "See, she's alive... and quite feisty too." he added the last
part when she kicked him in the shin strongly.

"She's quite the spitfire heh?" he said. "Maybe when I've killed you
I'll have my way with her, before she is dead." he said laughing loudly like
a strong bully.

I looked to Naru who was tied up and gagged. She glared back at me, no
doubt thinking this was all my fault in some way.

"Don't worry, I'll get you out of this." I said to her. She just glared
even more, very angrily.

I looked to him and said "I will free her when I kill you."

He laughed and said "You?! You'll kill me?! You haven't got the strength
to kid."

He was interrupted by Naru who had managed to get her gag loose.

"Urashima!" she yelled. "This is all your fault! When I get loose I am
going to use my fist and beat you completely senseless you little stupid
pervert, you deserve it!"

I looked at her and asked "How is it my fault?"

She just looked at me and yelled "It always is your fault!"

My opponent chuckled and said "You're risking your life to save this
girl and she yells at you, blames you, and will probably attack you at the
very first chance she gets? Why? Why risk your life for this girl?"

I looked at him and said "Because as much as I dislike her I can't let
you kill her."

He laughed and then Naru interrupted him again and yelled "When I get
out of here I am going to tell all the girls what a lousy, stupid, worthless
pervert you happen t'be!"

She was interrupted from saying more by his sword pommel guard hitting
her on the back of the head. She dropped to the ground and laid there quite
motionless. He looked at me and said "Don't worry kid. She's still alive. I
got tired of her interrupting me."

He motioned me to the center of the area, well away from the exits,
fences, and Naru. I went with him and hoped Naru wouldn't get killed by
my failing. I looked back at her, then forward.

"By the way." he said. "My names Draven-Cla. No need to tell me yours, I
already know it now, it will be remembered."

I privately thought that his was the name that would be remembered, when
I won.

We arrived in the center and drew our swords.

Then I attacked, hoping to catch him off guard.

<I'm not good at fight scenes but I will try to put one here soon>

It was over. After a long fight I stood above my enemy. He was on the
ground on hands and knees.

I drew my sword high for the last swing of this battle we have had.

I shouted out loudly and clearly so Draven-Cla would hear "THERE CAN BE
ONLY ONE!"

<scene of special lightning effects here too>

As I was recovering from the quickening I heard a shriek, and turned
around quickly.

What I saw made my blood run cold. Naru was in the talons of
a creature I had hoped never to see. My other secret had just reared
it's ugly head and come home to roost.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the creature at me. "THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOUR LINE AND MY MASTER TO DO BATTLE AGAIN. A HUNDRED YEARS HAVE PAST AND HE
HAS AWOKEN."

The creature held out Naru for me to see, and then it said.

"IF YOU WISH TO SEE THIS GIRL ALIVE AGAIN YOU WILL COME TO THE CASTLE."

It shook Naru in it's talons cruelly.

"OTHERWISE SHE WILL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH."

"COME TO THE CASTLE LAST OF YOUR BLOODLINE KEITARO URASHIMA."

"OR SHOULD I TRUTHFULLY SAY KEITARO BELMONT."

And with that Death flew away with Naru to Castlevania, the castle of
his clan's ancient enemy, the castle of vampire Dracula.

To Be Continued...









Disclaimer : I do not own Love Hina, Highlander tv Series, or Castlevania
Series- they are owned by others.

P.S. Send any c&c to my e-mail address as well as the ffml please.

P.S.S. I don't seem to be getting all the posts that appear on the ffml now.



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[Matthew]

> He laughed and said "You?! You'll kill me?! You haven't got the
>strength to kid."

That’s what he thinks. Lets see him survive having large parts of large
buildings literally throwing themselves at him. Giant Onion attack!

> "Urashima!" she yelled. "This is all your fault! When I get loose I am
>going to use my fist and beat you completely senseless you little stupid
>pervert, you deserve it!"

Demonic Naru, she’s even more extreme then the caricatured anime
version. I’m hoping a reason shows up for this later.

> He laughed and then Naru interrupted him again and yelled "When I get
>out of here I am going to tell all the girls what a lousy, stupid,
worthless
>pervert you happen t'be!"

Okay who is this person and what did you do with Naru?

> I privately thought that his was the name that would be
remembered, >when I won.

> We arrived in the center and drew our swords.

Well he did get good enough to keep up with Motoko when he came back
from America and has only shown he’s gotten significantly more powerful
since. On the other hand this doesn’t seem to be post Volume 11.

>I shouted out loudly and clearly so Draven-Cla would hear "THERE CAN
>BE ONLY ONE!"

…
So does this mean we’ll be seeing Mutsumi collecting heads? How about
Kanako, is powerful girl going to show up to defend the family line? Is
Seta going to be a immortal? Or even grandma Hina, it is always
indicated she is someone powerful enough you simply don’t mess with.

> What I saw made my blood run cold. Naru was in the talons of
>a creature I had hoped never to see. My other secret had just reared
>(it's:its) ugly head and come home to roost.

> "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the creature at me. "THE TIME >HAS
COME FOR YOUR LINE AND MY MASTER TO DO BATTLE >AGAIN. A HUNDRED YEARS
HAVE PAST AND HE
>HAS AWOKEN."

This seems a rather cliché way to get him to come, especially done twice
in a row.

> "COME TO THE CASTLE LAST OF YOUR BLOODLINE KEITARO >URASHIMA."

> "OR SHOULD I TRUTHFULLY SAY KEITARO BELMONT."

> And with that Death flew away with Naru to Castlevania, the castle of
>his clan's ancient enemy, the castle of vampire Dracula.


I'm not seeing how it's advantageous to be basing this off of Love Hina
as opposed to something else, personally. Unless the other characters
get involved, in character, it could just as easily be done better with
something else. It could work, just as is it's not so easy to see, but
then it can take a few chapters in for such things to fully develop.

Other then Naru being badly caricatured, the somewhat cliche set ups,
and a lack of fleshing out on certain fronts it is not that bad. Some
more work put into it should certainly improve it.

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[Brian Randall]

On Wed, 2 Feb 2005 14:51:24 -0600, Cute Neko Hibiki
<banksw@bellsouth.net> wrote:

Fox? Is that you?

> Disclaimer at bottom to avoid giving away surprise crossover.

This should be interesting

> Now I am out here in a deserted area waiting. Naru was kidnapped and
> the kidnapper said to meet him out here or Naru would die. Now I don't
> really like Naru, she's always attacking me lately, but I don't want her
> to die either.

'deserted area' sounds rather vague. Why not 'darkened alley' or
'abandoned warehouse'?

> "I see you arrived here after all. Hmmm. Truth to tell I thought you
> would be too much a coward to show up here Urashima." he said to me.

here Urashima." he --> here, Urashima," he

Double-comma-attack!

> I faced him and said "Where is Naru! I demand you show her to me!
> Otherwise I will assume she is dead and leave to get the cops!"

said, "Where

Also, this speech is a bit odd for Keitaro. I would expect him to (at
least try) say something along the lines of avenging Naru instead of
mentioning the cops.

Then again, this could have something to do with the mystery element
of the crossover, which I am not yet aware of.

:D

> "No need to involve them in this kid. She's right here." he said
> gesturing to behind the tree. He reached out and pulled her into my view,
> then said "See, she's alive... and quite feisty too." he added the last
> part when she kicked him in the shin strongly.

this kid --> this, kid
here." he --> here," he

Tree? What tree? (Did I miss it?)

> "She's quite the spitfire heh?" he said. "Maybe when I've killed you
> I'll have my way with her, before she is dead." he said laughing loudly like
> a strong bully.

dead." he --> dead," he

I would also change 'laughing loudly like a strong bully' to 'with a
menacing laugh', or the like. 'like a strong bully' doesn't flow as
well....

> I looked to Naru who was tied up and gagged. She glared back at me, no
> doubt thinking this was all my fault in some way.

Naru who --> Naru, who

> "Don't worry, I'll get you out of this." I said to her. She just glared
> even more, very angrily.

this." I --> this," I

(Commas when leading into/out of dialogue. Unless it actually ends
the sentence.)

> I looked to him and said "I will free her when I kill you."

said "I --> said, "I

> He laughed and said "You?! You'll kill me?! You haven't got the strength
> to kid."

Same, so I'd just go through the entire thing and look for this
specific type of typo.

> He was interrupted by Naru who had managed to get her gag loose.

Naru who --> Naru, who

> "Urashima!" she yelled. "This is all your fault! When I get loose I am
> going to use my fist and beat you completely senseless you little stupid
> pervert, you deserve it!"

Usually Naru saves this until after Keitaro's accidenally groped her,
or otherise said/done something wrong.

> I looked at her and asked "How is it my fault?"
>
> She just looked at me and yelled "It always is your fault!"

I looked at my opponent. "You replaced Naru with a carboard cut-out."

My opponent shuffled his feet nervously, and then said, "You can take
the batteries out of the voice-unit, but I thought--"

"I'll fight you for it," I said instantly. "That's way less hassle
than the real Naru."

> My opponent chuckled and said "You're risking your life to save this
> girl and she yells at you, blames you, and will probably attack you at the
> very first chance she gets? Why? Why risk your life for this girl?"

Yeah. If I were Keitaro, I'd look for the real Naru, not this
anger-elemental given human form.

> He laughed and then Naru interrupted him again and yelled "When I get
> out of here I am going to tell all the girls what a lousy, stupid, worthless
> pervert you happen t'be!"

See?

> He motioned me to the center of the area, well away from the exits,
> fences, and Naru. I went with him and hoped Naru wouldn't get killed by
> my failing. I looked back at her, then forward.

I'd switch 'area' for 'arena', but that's just me. 'Arena' is a fun word....

Also, how is Naru behind Keitaro if the enemy is in front of him, and
just clubbed Naru on the back of the head? Either he moved, and you
didn't show it, or I missed something. Or he's got really long reach.

> I privately thought that his was the name that would be remembered, when
> I won.

Personally, I think Keitaro should just shrug, and think, "It was kind
of him to make such an offer. His name wouldn't stick with me for
more than a handful of days."

> <I'm not good at fight scenes but I will try to put one here soon>

o_o

This scene needs work.

^_~

> I drew my sword high for the last swing of this battle we have had.

This sentence is a bit clumsy. Why not give it a little more attention?

> I shouted out loudly and clearly so Draven-Cla would hear "THERE CAN BE
> ONLY ONE!"
>
> <scene of special lightning effects here too>

Ah. Now, see, this is (potentially) the most critical segment of the
cross-over right here. This is where the reader gets the impact ...
but instead of reading the quote (which you might want to move after
the quickening), they get <scene goes here>. Definately this is a
part which deserves a bit of attention.

> "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the creature at me. "THE TIME HAS COME FOR
> YOUR LINE AND MY MASTER TO DO BATTLE AGAIN. A HUNDRED YEARS HAVE PAST AND HE HAS AWOKEN."'

That's odd. I always got the idea that Dracula tried to ignore the
Belmonts, but they always ended up attacking him before he could (for
example) enslave/destroy all humanity. I would think that the sacred
duty would involve a lot more of the Belmont clan watching over the
castle and Alucard's tomb (or wherever that guy went) since he's an
ally, and a good one at that.

> "COME TO THE CASTLE LAST OF YOUR BLOODLINE KEITARO URASHIMA."
>
> "OR SHOULD I TRUTHFULLY SAY KEITARO BELMONT."

Hm. Does this mean he was adopted before his 'parents' had Kanako?

> And with that Death flew away with Naru to Castlevania, the castle of
> his clan's ancient enemy, the castle of vampire Dracula.

The story of the Belmont clan was that they had a lot of drive, and
genuinely abhored evil. Beyond that, they don't (generally; Maria
did, but Maria was not a Belmont) have special powers, just the weapon
that they were given by an angel (retconned into an alchemist.
Whatever. >_<). The only Belmont I can think of that was an exception
to this would be ... Richter. And Richter had the Weapon Crush.

A highlander with those abilities would have won the tournement
immediately. I can kind of see Keitaro and the thousand-and-one
knives, or the Agunea, but still.... Outside of those two people, the
Belmont line doesn't really stack up to highlander-style immortals.

All in all ... if you're continuing this fic, I'll probably follow it,
as I'm curious ... but you'll need to get those missing scenes in. ;)

Good luck!

--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

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