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Scott Ryan
26th January 2005, 12:12 AM
*Untitled*
Fandom: Ranma
Rating: PG-13

Pain. Pain was all Ranma could feel as he was brutally ripped from his
peaceful sleep. His eyes sprung open before they glazed over from the
pain. It took him a few moments to realize there was a wrinkly old hand
covering his mouth, smothering the sound of his screams.

Finally managing to focus his eyes some he looked down to see a wooden
staff protruding from his chest, most likely piercing his lung and being
the cause of the pain he was currently feeling.

Looking past the staff he noted that it was Cologne who was holding it
with a grim expression marring her face that was normally filled with
amused mirth and sometimes shock when he managed to surprise her. He
tried to speak. To ask what she was doing but the trickle of liquid he
felt run from his mouth, diverted slightly by the hand still covering
his mouth told him that it wasn’t going to be possible.

“I am sorry Son-In… Ranma.” Cologne spoke as she realized that he was
awake and looking up at her with eyes that spoke of pain and betrayal,
perhaps even some questioning deep in those piercing blue eyes.

“The tribe elders have decided that you have become far too strong to
not become part of the tribe. They became frightened once they learned
of your defeat of Saffron, frightened you had become to powerful to
control and may decide to destroy them. The council had many meetings
before they decided that you will never willingly join the tribe thus
you must be destroyed.”

“I am truly sorry Ranma. I cannot go against the wishes of the Council
of Elders. For what it’s worth… My time here has been the most fun I
have had in 250 years.”

As Ranma’s eyes began to droop Cologne removed her hand to see a half
smirk on his lips as he coughed out his last words.

“…Old… Ghoul”

As his eyes closed forever more a tear slipped down Cologne’s cheek.

“Disrespectful to the last…”

And with that she disappeared into the night.


-*-*-

As Kasumi moved Ranma’s blanket aside to attempt to awaken the sleeping
Ranma for breakfast before setting either Akane or Genma to rouse the
sleeping boy, the first thing she noticed was blood. Lots of blood.

Then she screamed. And she didn’t stop screaming for quite awhile.

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Angus MacSpon
26th January 2005, 02:46 AM
>As Kasumi moved Ranma¹s blanket aside to attempt to awaken the sleeping
>Ranma for breakfast before setting either Akane or Genma to rouse the
>sleeping boy, the first thing she noticed was blood. Lots of blood.
>
>Then she screamed. And she didn¹t stop screaming for quite awhile.

Short, and ... kind of pointless.

If this were the prologue to a longer story, presumably following how the
Ranma cast react to and cope with his death, then it might be worthwhile.
You don't give any indication of that, though. As the story stands, I
really don't see the point.

Angus

--
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Angus MacSpon Email: macspon@ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513 http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/

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Gary Kleppe
26th January 2005, 12:48 PM
Scott Ryan <froop@frooptech.net> wrote:

>Pain. Pain was all Ranma could feel as he was brutally ripped from his
>peaceful sleep. His eyes sprung open before they glazed over from the
>pain.

Since this is obviously Ranma's POV, how is he aware of what his eyes look like?

>Finally managing to focus his eyes some he looked down to see a wooden

some, he

>staff protruding from his chest, most likely piercing his lung and being
>the cause of the pain he was currently feeling.

That's an awfully blase way to describe it. Just mentioning that he was in pain
doesn't convey the feel of the pain to the reader.

>Looking past the staff he noted that it was Cologne who was holding it
>with a grim expression marring her face that was normally filled with
>amused mirth and sometimes shock when he managed to surprise her. He

Sentence is too long and convoluted, IMO. Also, "noted" makes it sound very
casual, which is a completely wrong connotation for what you obviously want
here.

>“I am sorry Son-In… Ranma.” Cologne spoke as she realized that he was
>awake and looking up at her with eyes that spoke of pain and betrayal,
>perhaps even some questioning deep in those piercing blue eyes.

Is the shift to Cologne's POV here really necessary? It'll be easier for the
readers to empathize with Ranma if we can experience the entire scene through
his eyes alone.

>“The tribe elders have decided that you have become far too strong to
>not become part of the tribe. They became frightened once they learned
>of your defeat of Saffron, frightened you had become to powerful to

too powerful to

>“I am truly sorry Ranma. I cannot go against the wishes of the Council

sorry, Ranma.

"Ranma" here identifies who is spoken to, so it must be set off by a comma.
Otherwise it doesn't mean what you think it means.

RANMA: No, you are Cologne. You aren't sorry Ranma or any other kind of Ranma.

>of Elders. For what it’s worth… My time here has been the most fun I
>have had in 250 years.”

It's generally better to write out numbers in words, unless they're very large.

I tend to agree with MacSpon, that I'm not sure what the point of this is. If
you can make the narration more vivid and center it more firmly on Ranma's POV
so that the reader can feel what he feels, then you might have something.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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