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View Full Version : [FFML] [Spamfic?][Re-do][R.5] To Stop a Demon


StudioPC
25th January 2005, 05:55 PM
Author's note at the end, C&C, public or private, is welcome.

Kasumi Tendo sighed as she rolled her sleeve down over the tattoo on
her forearm as the water gurgled down the sink. Almost mechanically,
she began to put away the clean dishes. It had been six months since
that bear, what was his name? Macgreagor? Had come to her and turned
her into . . . that . . . thing.

'His name was Brackgaugh, Kasumi.'

Kasumi ignored that and filled several glasses with ice before setting
them on a tray along with a pitcher of water and carried the tray out
to the back yard.

Seated on the porch, her father, his friend Genma, and Genma's son
Ranma watched as the man named Happosai instructed three young men in
the way of the anything goes school of martial arts.

While his faults were legion, Happosai was a master teacher and it
showed in that the three young men were giving him their undivided
attention.

Makoto, Hikaru, and Mamoru. A trio of wandering Martial Artists.

Kasumi pushed aside the wave of guilt. The Creature was responsible for
them being here as well, using pheromones to bind them to her as the
beginnings of a harem before Kasumi had regained control of her body
and learned how to change back. If she had only been stronger, better
able to fight the Creature's influence . . .

She pushed such thoughts aside and tried to look on the positive side.
They had no idea she had any ties to their . . . mistress and their
presence had reawakened her father's desire to teach, something he
hadn't done since the death of her mother. Even if Happosai did show up
to hijack the lessons now and again. Carrying the tray out the men, she
smiled.

"Would you like some water, Grandfather?" Kasumi asked. "Its hot out."

"Of course," Happosai chortled and snatched a glass from the tray.

"And you?" Kasumi asked, moving over to the trio.

"Thank you, Kasumi-san," they chorused, each taking a glass. For a
moment, Kasumi remembered the pleasure the Creature had sought in their
bodies.

"It shouldn't have happened," she said out loud to herself.

"Kasumi-san?" Hikaru was staring at her. "Did you say something?"

"N-no, just thinking out loud," Kasumi replied.

'And about him bound in chains and kneeling at your feet as you draw
pleasure from his tounge.'

Kasumi turned away quickly so that the martial artist wouldn't see the
blush on her face and walked back into the house. Dropping the tray
onto the table, the pitcher spilling water onto the floor, she marched
into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.


The blush faded as she allowed her temper just a bit free of the tight
leash she had kept it on since the fourth grade when she had punched a
fellow student in the nose, nearly killing her. That had also been the
day she had given up on the Martial Arts. Facing the mirror with
narrowed eyes, she stared at her reflection.

Except that it wasn't her reflection.

The Creature, who called itself Bloodmaker, was a tall, pale skinned
woman with short black hair, lips painted black, and green eyes that
seemed to luminious to be real. She was beautiful, in the same way a
deadly snake was beautiful. A metal collar engraved and etched with
runes and designs encircled her throat. She wore leather armor with
metal plates over her shoulders, forearms, the outside of her thighs
and shins. A black cape hung from the shoulder plates and a sword was
slung across her shoulders. A dagger hung from each hip, a sai was in
each boot and while they were unseen, her belt held a pair of nunchakus
and several shuriken of various sizes. Various other blades and sundry
items were concealed here and there about her person. Her arms were
bare, her bust was slightly larger then Kasumi's, and her belly was
flat. An air of restrained violence hovered around her like a light.

"Stop that," Kasumi snapped.

"Stop what?" the creature asked as she smiled, revealing tiny fangs,
"showing you what I can give you?"

"I don't want it. Any of it."

"Do you? We're two of a kind, Kasumi Tendo, and you know it."

"We are not."

"We are. Those three men you served water to. Not six months ago they
knelt at your feet and gave you the respect you deserved. I've watched
your . . . family these six months, Kasumi. You cook, you clean, you
slave all day and for what? Tell me that, Kasumi. At the end of the
day, what is worth the weariness in your bones and the aches in your
feet? I can make you a queen...but only if you release me."

"I don't want to be a queen . . . I . . . I am a proper Japanese woman!
I know my duty and nothing you offer, Creature, has anything to do with
that duty."

The Creature sneered at her. "You say that now, Kasumi, but remember,
you accepted my power of your own free will. And if you don't find a
use for it, it will." With that, the creature faded from sight and
there was only Kasumi's own reflection.

For the longest time, she stood there, staring at the mirror and then
her internal clock chimed. 'I need to go to the market,' she thought to
herself and exited the bathroom, retrieved her bag, the shopping list
and money from the safe in her father's office. 'I must make dinner.'

------------------

Kasumi was generally believed to be oblivious to the general going ons
around her when the truth was, she simply wasn't interested. Even
Ranma's arrival hadn't shaken that. Once one accepted the fact that
Ranma could switch genders, one could also accept that things like
ghost cats, mulitple fiancees, and chi-powered martial artists existed
in the world. And if it existed in the world, then there was a reason,
a purpose. Kasumi's purpose was to see to the welfare of her two
younger sisters and then, once they were married, she would find
herself a husband and take care of her father. As it should be and
nothing else could or should distract her from that purpose.

But even as she walked home, something nagged at her, but she couldn't
put her finger on it until suddenly, her feet refused to move and she
nearly fell forward. "What-"

'Shut up and listen," snarled Bloodmaker. "What do you hear?'

"I don't hear anything."

"Exactly. Where's the children? There's always some playing on the
sidewalks when you go to market."

Kasumi looked around. All the houses were closed up and there was no
sign of children anywhere. Come to think of it, there was no sign of
anyone. "Oh my," Kasumi said and broke into a run, the bag of food
swinging wildly.


----------------

The Tendo house was charred, scorch marks were decorated and then in
the distance, she saw a narrow plume of smoke rising into the airacross
the exterior walls and she didn't even hear the bag hitting the
sidewalk as she ran inside.

The entrance was all but gone and the rest of the lower floor was the
same. Even the staircase had been obliterated. Outside, Happosai lay on
the grass. Makoto, Mamoru and Hikaru were each curled up in a ball and
her father and Mr. Saotome were sprawled in the empty koi pond.

"Kasumi..." It was Happosai. The little man's eyes were open, but just
barely and it was obvious that even breathing was causing him
considerable pain. "A demon...used...electricity...took Ranma
and...your sisters..." His eyes closed.

'Turn me loose.'

"No. I...I will call the Koban." She stood up and moved with jerky
steps towards the house, not really thinking. "Yes, the Koban. That is
the proper thing to do." But instead, her legs turned her towards the
remains of the sofa and sat.

'Listen to me, Kasumi, your Koban can do nothing."

"Then they will summon the self-defense force."

"Bah. There's nothing they can do against this demon. They can't stop
it . . . but I can."

"No...I can't let you out. You'll hurt somebody, or..." She looked out
at Makoto, Mamoru, and Hikaru. "Or expand."

'I will not. I give you my word, Kasumi. I will return this body to
your form when the demon is dead and not one second longer. I swear
this upoun my honor.' The Creature's voice was empty of any her usual
sneer or arch superiority. She almost seemed to be . . . pleading.

"I . . ."

'You cannot stop it, Kasumi. I beg of you, let me out, or this entire
city is doomed. Please.'

Kasumi rolled up her sleeve and stared at the tatoo and then reached
out to clamp her hand over it, then paused. "Remember, I have your
oath."

'I have done many things, Kasumi Tendo, but I have never broken my
word.'

Kasumi grabbed her arm. "Oath of Blood." Under her palm, the tatoo
became white-hot and then the world faded away in a white haze. ld
faded away in a white haze. She felt herself being pushed aside as
though she was being moved to the passenger seat in a car as someone
else took the wheel and then the haze vanished.

The woman known as Bloodmaker took a deep breath and then turned and
strode out the door and up onto the rooftops.

Even if demons didn't leave a aural trail, she still could have tracked
this one. It had left a trail of damage out of Nerima, through Juuban
and into the city proper. Soon, she began to encounter the twitching
bodies of police officers and citizens and those led her right to the
Hotel EL-Hazard, which boasted "A most magnifcent world within these
walls."

It was the newest and most expensive hotel in Tokyo. Drawing her sword,
Bloodmaker palmed some shuriken from her belt and marched in, the aural
trail leading her to one of the theaters.

Inside, she saw the demon. It was short, with pale yellow fur and evil
black eyes. It's markings make it look cute, but there was nothing
adorable in the way the children gathered at the foot of the stage as
they chanted the creature's name in a dull, icy, monotone. She could
see Kasumi's sisters and the boy, Ranma among them.

Bloodmaker bared her fangs as she bared her teeth and charged down the
aisle, leaping onto the stage.

Had it been a movie, this instance before woman and demon began their
battle might have been enhanced with some music, something
soul-stirring. But instead there was only a chorus of voices saying the
same thing over and over again.

"Pikachu, pikachu, pikachu . . ."

Note: So the other day, I had a little bit of insomnia and went through
some of my old fics. I came across this one, which I had written as a
continuation of a Spamfic from D.B. Sommer, in which Kasumi Tendo
became a magical girl of a different sort. I was toying with the idea
of running with this as an actual fic, but couldn't come up with a
complete idea.

So, since I had nothing else to do, I did a bit of rewrite. Nothing
special, mostly a tune up

Disclaimer: Ranma is owned by Viz Video, Pokemon by 4Kids
Entertainment. Any other names or titles mentioned are preesent only
for the purpose of satire. Additonal inspiration was provided by
Yu-Gi-Oh dub, and that too is owned by 4Kids Entertainment.

-Steve "Komodo" T.
http://www.geocities.com/studio_pc_hub/


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Gary Kleppe
25th January 2005, 07:02 PM
Quoting StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net>:

> Author's note at the end, C&C, public or private, is welcome.

You asked for it....

> Kasumi Tendo sighed as she rolled her sleeve down over the tattoo on
> her forearm as the water gurgled down the sink. Almost mechanically,
> she began to put away the clean dishes. It had been six months since
> that bear, what was his name? Macgreagor? Had come to her and turned
> her into . . . that . . . thing.

I'm not sure that this is the best way to introduce this development. Starting
slowly like you did is a good thing, IMO, but try to show, rather than tell,
how this Kasumi is different from the usual one.

> Seated on the porch, her father, his friend Genma, and Genma's son
> Ranma watched as the man named Happosai instructed three young men in
> the way of the anything goes school of martial arts.

The name of something specific should be capitalized: Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts.

> While his faults were legion, Happosai was a master teacher and it
> showed in that the three young men were giving him their undivided
> attention.

Happosai's attention, on the other hand....

HAPPOSAI: Now, next move.... Say, is that Akane over there? Hotcha!

> Makoto, Hikaru, and Mamoru.

If these are crossover characters, tag your fic as a crossover.

> A trio of wandering Martial Artists.

Martial artists, on the other hand, is a general class rather than a specific
group, so don't capitalize it.

> "Would you like some water, Grandfather?" Kasumi asked. "Its hot out."

It's
(use its to refer to something belonging to it, it's for contractions such as
"it is")

> 'And about him bound in chains and kneeling at your feet as you draw
> pleasure from his tounge.'

I like this part. This is a better way to show Kasumi's state of mind, IMO, than
going through a lot of backstory.

> The Creature, who called itself Bloodmaker, was a tall, pale skinned
> woman with short black hair, lips painted black, and green eyes that
> seemed to luminious to be real. She was beautiful, in the same way a

to -> too

> For the longest time, she stood there, staring at the mirror and then
> her internal clock chimed. 'I need to go to the market,' she thought to
> herself and exited the bathroom, retrieved her bag, the shopping list
> and money from the safe in her father's office. 'I must make dinner.'

list, and
(when listing three or more items, put commas after each except the last)

> Kasumi was generally believed to be oblivious to the general going ons

goings-on

> The Tendo house was charred, scorch marks were decorated and then in
> the distance, she saw a narrow plume of smoke rising into the airacross

air across

> 'Listen to me, Kasumi, your Koban can do nothing."
>
> "Then they will summon the self-defense force."

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: What seems to be the trouble, ma'am?

KASUMI: Well, there's this terrible creature attacking Nerima, and....

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: I'm sorry, we can't help you.

KASUMI: Why not?

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: Because this creature hasn't attacked *us*. We're the
Self-Defense Force. We're only allowed to fight when we personally are
attacked. Obviously you should've called the Defense-of-Others force.

> 'I will not. I give you my word, Kasumi. I will return this body to
> your form when the demon is dead and not one second longer. I swear
> this upoun my honor.' The Creature's voice was empty of any her usual

upon

> Kasumi grabbed her arm. "Oath of Blood." Under her palm, the tatoo
> became white-hot and then the world faded away in a white haze. ld
> faded away in a white haze.

Editing error here.

> Inside, she saw the demon. It was short, with pale yellow fur and evil
> black eyes. It's markings make it look cute, but there was nothing

Its markings

> Had it been a movie, this instance before woman and demon began their
> battle might have been enhanced with some music, something
> soul-stirring. But instead there was only a chorus of voices saying the
> same thing over and over again.
>
> "Pikachu, pikachu, pikachu . . ."

Um... what the...?

I have to say that that was a pretty disappointing ending. Kasumi's internal
conflict was actually pretty interesting; this bit undermines it for a joke
ending that really isn't all that funny in my opinion.

I guess my advice would be to decide where you want to go with this. Option one
would be to keep the serious aspects, give it a satisfying ending and maybe
flesh out the drama by showing more of what's just implied right now. Option
two would be to keep the joke ending and cut out any of the serious stuff that
isn't necessary to build up to it. I know which of these I'd rather see, but
it's your fic. Also, if you're going to go the comedy route, show us why you
think the ending is funny. What absurdities follow from the idea of a
powered-up Kasumi fighting a gigantic killer Pokemon?

> Disclaimer: Ranma is owned by Viz Video, Pokemon by 4Kids
> Entertainment.

Er... no. Ranma is owned by Rumiko Takahashi (or Shogakukan if you insist on
crediting a corporation rather than a human being). Viz Video is the North
American distributor for the TV/movie/video adaptations; they no more own Ranma
than Geocities owns your fanfics.

> -Steve "Komodo" T.
> http://www.geocities.com/studio_pc_hub/


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JusenkyoGuide
26th January 2005, 01:29 PM
> > Had it been a movie, this instance before woman and demon began their
> > battle might have been enhanced with some music, something
> > soul-stirring. But instead there was only a chorus of voices saying the
> > same thing over and over again.
> >
> > "Pikachu, pikachu, pikachu . . ."

Nan da hell?

I'd love to hear the back story behind the idea of Kasumi taking a
blood oath. The writing was fairly smooth, and the internal monologue
a good touch, especially given Kasumi's iron control on her
expressions. In the end though I was left a little confused as to what
was going on, why, and why on earth did Pikachu show up?

And that's my two yen.

JG
--
Guide of the Training Grounds of Accursed Springs

To those who feel, life is a tragedy, to those who think, it's a comedy.

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Bob Schroeck
26th January 2005, 11:51 PM
JusenkyoGuide wrote:
> Nan da hell?
>
> I'd love to hear the back story behind the idea of Kasumi taking a
> blood oath. The writing was fairly smooth, and the internal monologue
> a good touch, especially given Kasumi's iron control on her
> expressions.

Agreed. This was the beginning of a *very* good story. I got quite
interested in the situation, and I was really looking forward to some
flashback or whatnot that would let us in on the backstory.

Then it took a left turn at Alburquerque and slammed into a wall.

What happened? Did the author just get sick of the story 12
paragraphs in? If this was supposed to be a joke, it's not just
a bad one, it's a *stupid* one, without anything funny to
recommend it at all. Why waste such a good setup on such an
abrupt and pointless finish?

-- Bob

================================================== =============================
Robert M. Schroeck rms@eclipse.net http://www.eclipse.net/~rms
================================================== =============================
"Extricate the quadruped from the vehicle and constabulate him into something
nutritious, and the aurora shall rise in the heavens and I shall return and
compensate thee amply." -- Backwards message at the end of "Crimson and
Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells
================================================== =============================

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Jason Liao
27th January 2005, 01:05 AM
On Wed, 26 Jan 2005, Bob Schroeck wrote:

>
> JusenkyoGuide wrote:
> > Nan da hell?
> >
> > I'd love to hear the back story behind the idea of Kasumi taking a
> > blood oath. The writing was fairly smooth, and the internal monologue
> > a good touch, especially given Kasumi's iron control on her
> > expressions.
>
> Agreed. This was the beginning of a *very* good story. I got quite
> interested in the situation, and I was really looking forward to some
> flashback or whatnot that would let us in on the backstory.
>
> Then it took a left turn at Alburquerque and slammed into a wall.
>
> What happened? Did the author just get sick of the story 12
> paragraphs in? If this was supposed to be a joke, it's not just
> a bad one, it's a *stupid* one, without anything funny to
> recommend it at all. Why waste such a good setup on such an
> abrupt and pointless finish?

Actually, if you remember the "Pokemon are demons" meme, the fic can be
viewed as a meta-humor fic(if that makes sense). It's not funny because
of the pikachu demon joke; it's funny because it's making fun of itself.

Anyone who's been reading fanfic for at least a month is most likely
familiar with the really cruddy "humor" fics that make the rounds every so
often. For example "Hot steamy sex in the Tendo dojo, with generic
descriptions for 10 pages...hah, in the last sentance, you find it's
really Happosai and Cologne!" or 50 lines of "Wow, <bad cook>! You
finally made something yummy." only to be ended with "I took a recipie
that required dead rats and bleach, so when I added them in, they didn't
ruin the meal!" Whatever the topic, though, the format remains the same.
There's no conflict, most dialog is generic babble, and the writing is
intentionally vague.

In this case, there's a compelling conflict, the dialog between Kasumi and
her inner-demon serves to develop the story, and the writing isn't seeking
to mislead through lack of details. The fic is funny, because by ending
up at the same place as those other fics, it shows through contrast just
how empty the joke is, and by extension, how empty those fics that rely on
the 'abrupt last-minute change' technique really are.

Regarding that last point, it is too bad that no one who writes that kind
of fic has yet publically commented about To Stop a Demon. I won't name
any names, but I would have died laughing if certain persons had posted
complaints about the end.

-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...

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