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View Full Version : [FFML] [R 1/2][Fanfiction][3rd (final) draft] Process of Elimination: Recovery


Jeremy Bennett
24th January 2005, 04:15 AM
Disclaimer: PoE and its entire associated plot are written by Brian
Randall. All other disclaimers apply to Rumiko Takahashi/Viz with
heartfelt thanks for bringing this world to life.

Process of Elimination: Recovery

Thirty years of burrowing through ice had lead them to this place.
The site of the last battle on what was once a green earth had not been
easy to find. Both secrecy and chaos had ruled the day the earth had
been frozen and the reavers finally defeated. Information had been
difficult to come by, and it took a team nearly fifteen years to
develop the technology needed to break the -300c ice without cracking
and obliterating the team working on the ice burrower.

*****

The bodies of Saffron and Ranma had been encased in ice for many years
before the light from above shone down on their silhouettes again.
Unknown by many, and feared by more, they both remained as they stood
that fateful day that earth was plunged into an icy tomb that many felt
it would never return from.

The first body extracted was the demigod Saffron. He looked perhaps
in his late 20’s, his robes seeming to billow even in the deep freeze.
Even within the tomb of ice, people could feel the warm power that
pulsed from within him, seeming to beckon with hope that one day he and
this world would live again even as the glow in the cavern pulsed. His
eyes, even closed seemed to radiate a feeling of life through the glass
clear ice to the workers carefully carving him from the depths.

The other body, Ranma’s, was sitting, arms held across his chest, eyes
closed, perfected preserved from the extreme sudden cold that the body
was subjected to. Unlike Saffron, Ranma’s body emanated no feeling, no
life, no power other than to invoke the memories of the people who
loved him and lost him too quickly. Surrounding him, a patina of
crystal shards, a testament to the last mighty surge of power that had
blown through the atmosphere of the planet and frozen a block of ice
hundreds of kilometers thick, along with the scourge of reavers that
befallen it.

Unlike Saffron, Ranma’s body would not come out of a deep hibernation,
would not recover, and live again. The workers removed his body in
somber silence, aware that even now, a record was being made of this
moment. The signs of the battle were as clear on Ranma as they had
been the day of the battle. The last, desperate attack had made his
death quick and painless, but it was a comfort born with the
understanding that it had to be this way. All knew his price. His
Humanity, his family, and eventually even his life were given for the
sake of this battle.

Some had argued against removing Ranma from his tomb, stating that
doing so was to remove something vital from the soul of the sleeping
planet, and to demean Ranma’s sacrifice for it. The new earth had many
heroes. Live ones, like Hibki Ryouga and Msu Hsu, Ko Lon, and Xian Pu
had helped tame this new, bitter world. The new government, the new
people, though needed something tangible to remind them that this was a
second home, and that one day, their real home, earth, would again be
returned to. It was decided at that point to allow the removal of the
body


*****

The ship landed with a quiet whoosh on the bare field near the Crypt.
From here, four men, all middle aged, slowly brought the small maglev
sled down the ramp. It was a quiet moment, to see the great icy block
touch the sunlight of a strange world. The few people who were there,
some bearing children on their hips, others running hands through hair
that was starting to show the first traces of gray, wept silently. As
the procession moved down the short distance to the large gray
building, roses, the first versions that could survive in this strange
soil, were tossed ahead of the men.

Stopping for just a moment in front of three women, the somber
procession held still for a moment and allowed Akane, Xian Pu, and Ukyo
to lay a colored ribbon atop the floating casket of ice. Akane’s
ribbon was red, the fire of passion and love. Xian Pu’s, ribbon, a
deep purple, showed the warrior heart, and spirit of the great martial
artist encased in ice. Ukyo’s rose, yellow, signified the friendship,
the common bond of youth that bound all three to this young man in one
way or another. As one, the three turned and walked back to their
respective families, forged from the painful loss of their youth. No
tears would be shed from their eyes. Only the fond, sad reminder that
a friend was lost this day could be seen in their eyes.

Without a sound, the sober procession again began down the city, to the
center, where Ranma’s Crypt waited in silence for it’s only guest.

*****

Washu moved through the darkness at the edge of the Crypt. She had not
arrived with the ship, nor had she wanted to. She had arrived later, on
Ranma’s ship, his friend and companion, Ran Oh Ki. She had no desire to
see the people that were part of his life before her. They were not a
part of what she had made him into. They had not prodded him into the
fate that had befallen him.

Washu’s sin was great, a weight that pressed about her every day.
Without Ran Oh Ki and Atsuko at her side, she felt that the darkness
she felt may consume her, bury her in her lost, angry memories and
destroy. She could not seek forgiveness from anyone, not even her
sisters. She was the cause of so much pain, so much death. She was
atoning the only way she knew. Moving from place to place, finding the
darkness that infected worlds, she stamped it out; one black monster at
a time…

She was interrupted by a faint glow near the closed door. The glow
manifested itself into Tsunami, looking older, perhaps twenty, with a
long marine blue ponytail that reached near the end of her knees. She
was beautiful in her own right, her ruby eyes scanning the room until
they rested on the redhead.

”Wash…” she began, pleased to see her sister in good health after so
many years.

”Stop there, Tsunami… I don’t need your grief. I have more than enough
of my own.” Washu responded shortly.

”I did not come to console you, or be consoled. I sensed your
presence, and thought this would be the only reason for you to be here,
my sis…”

”You thought wrong. Please, let me be. I just need some time…” Washu
slowly grated out, interrupting the young goddess.

”As you wish, Washu. You know how to find me, if you need me…”
Turning quietly, she walked back out the door to the reception hall
beyond.

”Goodbye, Sasami… Tsunami.”

As Tsunami left the room, Washu walked up to the ice that separated
her and Ranma, and for just a moment touched her forehead to it. A
small flash, perhaps a memory of better times flashed for a moment in
her eyes. Without another word, Washu turned and walked out the door,
without looking back.




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hkmiller
24th January 2005, 01:48 PM
I think I C&C'd an earlier draft of this. Let's see what's different.

Jeremy Bennett wrote:

>Disclaimer: PoE and its entire associated plot are written by Brian
>Randall. All other disclaimers apply to Rumiko Takahashi/Viz with
>heartfelt thanks for bringing this world to life.
>
>
I remember this from the first time. Your disclaimer credits Takahashi
for the Ranma
characters, but you mention Tenchi characters by name lower down, and
don't disclaim
THEIR creator. Suggest you try to credit the creators of ALL characters
you use which
aren't yours.

>Process of Elimination: Recovery
>
> Thirty years of burrowing through ice had lead them to this place.
>The site of the last battle on what was once a green earth had not been
>easy to find. Both secrecy and chaos had ruled the day the earth had
>been frozen and the reavers finally defeated. Information had been
>difficult to come by, and it took a team nearly fifteen years to
>develop the technology needed to break the -300c ice without cracking
>and obliterating the team working on the ice burrower.
>
>
Absolute zero is only -273 degrees C; this ice is colder than that?

The original draft had the depth and weight of the ice as the main
technical obstacle. I remember
commenting negatively about the original text's solutions to the
technical problems involved.
Here you have no mention of the depth and weight, only the temperature.
I'm not sure
this is an improvement, though: if the ice isn't deep at all, it would
be fairly easy, I'd think,
to calculate a distance away from the site, say 20 miles, where a single
nuclear explosion
(or a shot from one of Ami's moon-based weapon arrays) would melt this
ice while leaving
Ranma and Saffron intact.

My suggestion, I guess, would be to go back to the deep ice, but make it,
say, two miles deep instead of twenty, and add that the bulk of the fifteen
years is spent not in digging, but in shoring up tunnel already dug.

>Surrounding him, a patina of
>crystal shards, a testament to the last mighty surge of power that had
>blown through the atmosphere of the planet and frozen a block of ice
>hundreds of kilometers thick, along with the scourge of reavers that
>befallen it.
>
>
This sentence seems to lack of verb. Also, the last clause, "along with
the...befallen it",
doesn't seem to make sense.

Now the ice is hundreds of kilometers thick. Actually, if the entire
atmosphere is frozen,
the ice WOULD be a few miles thick, I believe (not sure how many).

>Unlike Saffron, Ranma’s body would not come out of a deep hibernation,
>would not recover, and live again.
>
I commented on this the first time, too. How do they know this? Has
Washuu told them?

>Some had argued against removing Ranma from his tomb, stating that
>doing so was to remove something vital from the soul of the sleeping
>planet, and to demean Ranma’s sacrifice for it. The new earth had many
>heroes. Live ones, like Hibki Ryouga and Msu Hsu, Ko Lon, and Xian Pu
>
>
(sp) Hibiki Ryouga, Mu Tsu. I can see why you'd prefer "Ko Lon" to "Ku
Lon" (the canonically
correct spelling), but why use "Xian Pu" instead of the correct "Shan Pu"?

>had helped tame this new, bitter world. The new government, the new
>people, though needed something tangible to remind them that this was a
>second home, and that one day, their real home, earth, would again be
>returned to. It was decided at that point to allow the removal of the
>body
>
>
No period on the end of that last sentence.

The government's logic escapes me, also: a tangible reminder could take
any form: trees from
Earth, for instance. Moving Ranma's body seems more like the reverse: a
tacit admission that
humanity is NOT going home again, and had better move its prized
possessions to this new
world.

>
>Stopping for just a moment in front of three women, the somber
>procession held still for a moment and allowed Akane, Xian Pu, and Ukyo
>to lay a colored ribbon atop the floating casket of ice. Akane’s
>ribbon was red, the fire of passion and love. Xian Pu’s, ribbon, a
>deep purple, showed the warrior heart, and spirit of the great martial
>artist encased in ice. Ukyo’s rose, yellow, signified the friendship,
>the common bond of youth that bound all three to this young man in one
>way or another. As one, the three turned and walked back to their
>respective families, forged from the painful loss of their youth. No
>tears would be shed from their eyes. Only the fond, sad reminder that
>a friend was lost this day could be seen in their eyes.
>
>
This paragraph seems better written than the original (which, if I
remember correctly, didn't
even name Akane, Ukyou, and Shan Pu). However, now the sentiment you're
trying for
seems more confusing. Instead of the three bereaved fiancees, you have
three women with
their own families morning a brief crush of their late teens, and you're
calling it "friendship".
So why restrict it to the women? Why aren't Ryouga and Mu Tsu participating?

>
>
> Washu moved through the darkness at the edge of the Crypt. She had not
>arrived with the ship, nor had she wanted to. She had arrived later, on
>Ranma’s ship, his friend and companion, Ran Oh Ki.
>
Ah! I remember the original phrasing here was very confusing; this
clarifies things considerably!

>Washu’s sin was great, a weight that pressed about her every day.
>Without Ran Oh Ki and Atsuko at her side, she felt that the darkness
>she felt may consume her,
>
You use "felt" twice in six words. Suggest a rephrase.

> bury her in her lost, angry memories and
>destroy. She could not seek forgiveness from anyone, not even her
>sisters.
>
The plural, again (I remember this from the earlier draft). Why does
Tokimi even occur
to Washuu here? As far as we know from PoE, they're opposed forces.

> She was the cause of so much pain, so much death. She was
>atoning the only way she knew. Moving from place to place, finding the
>darkness that infected worlds, she stamped it out; one black monster at
>a time…
>
>
Okay, and she's STILL opposed...

> She was interrupted by a faint glow near the closed door. The glow
>manifested itself into Tsunami, looking older, perhaps twenty, with a
>
>
Tsunami has always looked twenty-ish. I assume you mean Sasami. Well,
actually, I know
what you mean, but I think you might want to remove that "looking older,
perhaps twenty".
What is it adding?

> ”Goodbye, Sasami… Tsunami.”
>
> As Tsunami left the room, Washu walked up to the ice that separated
>her and Ranma, and for just a moment touched her forehead to it. A
>small flash, perhaps a memory of better times flashed for a moment in
>her eyes. Without another word, Washu turned and walked out the door,
>without looking back.
>
>
Hmmm... this does seem much better written and thought out than the
earlier draft.
However, I'm still not sure where it's going or IF it's going somewhere.
I think the
earlier draft's intro said that this was the beginning of a long story,
but I see no
markings to that effect here. However, as a standalone, I'm not sure I
see the
point. Yes, you can write short pieces based on a funeral (I have), but one
expects a catharsis of some sort, and I don't see one here. All your
characters
seem to be left exactly where they were when we started.

The earlier draft permitted the interpretation at this point that Washuu
and Tsunami
are the ones who really loved Ranma, while the other three get all the
public acknowledgement
for being Ranma's loved ones. In this draft you seem to dispense with
this in both
places. A/U/S are "just friends", while Washuu seems more burdened by
her perceived
"sin" of changing Ranma than actual grief. And we don't know what
Tsunami feels.

Why did any of these people care enough to go retrieve Ranma's body?



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