K'thardin
4th January 2005, 06:27 AM
I'm posting this with permission on behalf of a friend who is not on the list. Please send all C&C (or a copy, heh) to jockowrites@earthlink.net
Azumanga Daioh spam-fic #1
By JockoMegane
***
<camera reveals a birthday party at a non-descript Tokyo apartment. It is Yukari's apartment. Yukari's Birthday party. All the participants look a bit older, and a more relaxed atmosphere is present. This is a comfortable gathering of Yukari's favorite class after graduation. All her friends and semi-friends are there. Kurosawa, Mr. Kimura, as well as her students (who take care to make sure Mr. Kimura is far away from them as possible) are sitting around a generic square dining room table>
Yomi *handing Yukari a package* : "Open this one, Ms. Yukari!"
Yukari *eyes glittering like jewels as she examines the package, turning it over in her hands. Finally, she shakes it.* "Oh, what could it be?" *she cackles madly*
<Osaka, Kaorin, Yomi, and Sakaki sweatdrop. Mr. Kimura sits frozen as usual.>
<Yukari looks at the package again in silence, sitting perfectly still. Suddenly, she goes into a whirlwind-like frenzy; tearing the wrapping paper to shreds, revealing-->
Yukari: "A PET ROCK?!?" *Yukari coldly turns her eyes to Yomi*
<Yomi seems to shrink back from the table as she sweatdrops, her hands up, placating in front of her. Yukari is steamed.>
Yomi: *stutters* "M-m-m-ms. Yukari!"
Kurosawa: *sighs* "Ungreatful as usual."
<Kaorin, Osaka, and Sakaki look worried.>
Kimura: "..."
<Yukari continues slowly advancing on Yomi.>
Yukari: "A PET ROCK!?? WHAT KIND OF CRAP GIFT IS THIS TO GIVE TO YOUR DEDICATED FORMER ENGLISH TEACHER?!? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ASSIGNMENTS I HELPED YOU WITH?!? WHAT IF I *DIE* TOMORROW AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT IS A DAMNED PET ROCK FROM YOMI?!?"
<Yomi begins to eye the door, window...anything. Kurosawa, with a mix of concern and amusement at Yukari's bad behavior rises from her chair to get Yomi's tall and slim ass out of the fire as Osaka bravely decides to do the job for her.>
<Osaka rises from her chair and seems to hover over to the steamed Yukari and retreating Yomi...who seems just a bit amused at this herself.>
Yomi: "It wasn't me! It was Osaka's idea! That Osaka! There!" *points at Osaka*
<Osaka stops dead in her tracks as she sees she is being pointed at. She points at herself too, in a "do you mean moi?" gesture. Her huge eyes betraying only curiousity with no understanding of the ugly fate about to befall her.>
<Yukari advances on Osaka.>
Osaka: *stuttering even worse than Yomi!*
<Yomi seems to fade into the background, smartass grin on her face.>
Yukari: "!!!!!!!"
<Kaorin tries to slink closer to Sakaki as the latter prepares to save Osaka from Yukari's spurned Birthday greed.>
Kimura: "...We should have had a pool party..."
<camera pulls back from this scene to reveal a nonchalant figure leaning against the wall some yards away. She is dressed in a snappy, woman's dress suit as befitting her slim, althletic frame. It is Tomo.>
Tomo: "Birthday Rage, brought on by poor gift-giving decisions." *sighs with a rueful grin, shaking her head.*
<Tomo walks from the apartment set to a totally bland and featureless room with a table on it. On the table there's a box with a cloth over it.>
Tomo: "Friends, don't find yourselves in the same situation. Pet rocks and invisible pets do NOT a Birthday gift make."
<Tomo pulls back the cloth to reveal-->
Tomo: "Cute, Popular, and Strong Tomo Industries introduce--"
<a box with a young, pig-tailed girl in the form of pottery, with the hair and pigtails as a green plant. Her body seems to be composed of 75% head and pigtails on a very small frame in a proper school uniform.>
Tomo: "The Chiyo-Pet!"
<Clips flash by of a generic happy family birthday party receiving the Chiyo-Pet as Tomo narrates.>
Tomo: "All you have to do is take the Chiyo-Pet outside the box, spread the seeds on its hard, little head, keep it watered, and watch it grow!" *accompanying clips show this as the happy family all seem just about to piss their collective pants in euphoric joy*
Sing-song voice: "Chi-Chi-Chi-Chiyo!"
Tomo: "And that's not all!"
<We see clips of the pig-tailed pottery-plant at the computer helping a little boy with his homework.>
Tomo: "She's a genius!"
Sing-song voice: "Chi-Chi-Chiyo!"
Tomo: "Chiyo-Pet, the Child Prodigy that grows."
<Tomo walks to another featureless, bland room with another table. Even more Chiyo Pets stand proudly in front of their boxes.>
Tomo: "And, just in time for the Summer we have two more Chiyo-Pets to choose from! There's Chef Chiyo." *points at the Chiyo-Pet pottery that just barely seems to have an apron on under its huge pig-tailed head* "and Osaka Airlines Chiyo Pet!" *a Chiyo-Pet with a body wearing what looks vaguely like a flight suit is picked up by Tomo* "Observe!" *Tomo's hand manipulates the left pig-tail with a slight grinding sound, the right cooperates*
<clips are shown of the new Chef Chiyo-Pets in action in the finest gourmet restaurants, home kitchens, and fast-food restaurants. Osaka Airlines Chiyos are shown in service in the skies all over suburban Tokyo.>
<Osaka wanders into the frame.>
Osaka: "Oh, I declare it is the most of the most, and the best of the best." *her eyes are fixed and rooted at the many, many Osaka Airline Chiyo-Pets dotting the sky."
<Camera cuts back to Tomo advancing on the camera like prey down a long, long row of telephone bank operators.>
Tomo: "But enough sales pitch, let's here some REAL people about how a Chiyo-Pet has saved their gift-giving and receiving experiences!"
<Cut to the girls from the Yukari Birthday scene before sitting on couches in front of a low coffee table with various Chiyo-Pets on it>
Kurosawa: "I finally found something to unload on Yukari!"
Kaorin: "Something for my little brother!"
Yomi: *smiles placatingly at Yukari, who is glaring at her* "It's something I hope I can order fast!"
Kimura: "......."
Sakaki: "...it is so cute..." *blushes sharply, then topples over. She has fainted!*
Kaorin: "Miss Sakaki!" *rushes to her side*
Kimura: "Yes, that's it, Ms. Kaorin! Help your fellow former classmate! Make sure her cardigan sweater isn't making it difficult to breath! Or her pants!" *takes a ragged breath* "and most of all...LET ME ADMINISTER CPR! PLEASE!?!"
<Osaka is smiling distantly, petting each and every Chiyo-Pet very slowly.>
<camera cuts again to Tomo in front of the phonebanks.>
Tomo: "Call now, order TWO Chiyo-Pets within the next ten minutes and you'll get a free coffee table book of 'Chiyo-Pet sees American Frontyards and Public Parks' for no additional charge! Operators are standing by!"
***
The End.
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Azumanga Daioh spam-fic #1
By JockoMegane
***
<camera reveals a birthday party at a non-descript Tokyo apartment. It is Yukari's apartment. Yukari's Birthday party. All the participants look a bit older, and a more relaxed atmosphere is present. This is a comfortable gathering of Yukari's favorite class after graduation. All her friends and semi-friends are there. Kurosawa, Mr. Kimura, as well as her students (who take care to make sure Mr. Kimura is far away from them as possible) are sitting around a generic square dining room table>
Yomi *handing Yukari a package* : "Open this one, Ms. Yukari!"
Yukari *eyes glittering like jewels as she examines the package, turning it over in her hands. Finally, she shakes it.* "Oh, what could it be?" *she cackles madly*
<Osaka, Kaorin, Yomi, and Sakaki sweatdrop. Mr. Kimura sits frozen as usual.>
<Yukari looks at the package again in silence, sitting perfectly still. Suddenly, she goes into a whirlwind-like frenzy; tearing the wrapping paper to shreds, revealing-->
Yukari: "A PET ROCK?!?" *Yukari coldly turns her eyes to Yomi*
<Yomi seems to shrink back from the table as she sweatdrops, her hands up, placating in front of her. Yukari is steamed.>
Yomi: *stutters* "M-m-m-ms. Yukari!"
Kurosawa: *sighs* "Ungreatful as usual."
<Kaorin, Osaka, and Sakaki look worried.>
Kimura: "..."
<Yukari continues slowly advancing on Yomi.>
Yukari: "A PET ROCK!?? WHAT KIND OF CRAP GIFT IS THIS TO GIVE TO YOUR DEDICATED FORMER ENGLISH TEACHER?!? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ASSIGNMENTS I HELPED YOU WITH?!? WHAT IF I *DIE* TOMORROW AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT IS A DAMNED PET ROCK FROM YOMI?!?"
<Yomi begins to eye the door, window...anything. Kurosawa, with a mix of concern and amusement at Yukari's bad behavior rises from her chair to get Yomi's tall and slim ass out of the fire as Osaka bravely decides to do the job for her.>
<Osaka rises from her chair and seems to hover over to the steamed Yukari and retreating Yomi...who seems just a bit amused at this herself.>
Yomi: "It wasn't me! It was Osaka's idea! That Osaka! There!" *points at Osaka*
<Osaka stops dead in her tracks as she sees she is being pointed at. She points at herself too, in a "do you mean moi?" gesture. Her huge eyes betraying only curiousity with no understanding of the ugly fate about to befall her.>
<Yukari advances on Osaka.>
Osaka: *stuttering even worse than Yomi!*
<Yomi seems to fade into the background, smartass grin on her face.>
Yukari: "!!!!!!!"
<Kaorin tries to slink closer to Sakaki as the latter prepares to save Osaka from Yukari's spurned Birthday greed.>
Kimura: "...We should have had a pool party..."
<camera pulls back from this scene to reveal a nonchalant figure leaning against the wall some yards away. She is dressed in a snappy, woman's dress suit as befitting her slim, althletic frame. It is Tomo.>
Tomo: "Birthday Rage, brought on by poor gift-giving decisions." *sighs with a rueful grin, shaking her head.*
<Tomo walks from the apartment set to a totally bland and featureless room with a table on it. On the table there's a box with a cloth over it.>
Tomo: "Friends, don't find yourselves in the same situation. Pet rocks and invisible pets do NOT a Birthday gift make."
<Tomo pulls back the cloth to reveal-->
Tomo: "Cute, Popular, and Strong Tomo Industries introduce--"
<a box with a young, pig-tailed girl in the form of pottery, with the hair and pigtails as a green plant. Her body seems to be composed of 75% head and pigtails on a very small frame in a proper school uniform.>
Tomo: "The Chiyo-Pet!"
<Clips flash by of a generic happy family birthday party receiving the Chiyo-Pet as Tomo narrates.>
Tomo: "All you have to do is take the Chiyo-Pet outside the box, spread the seeds on its hard, little head, keep it watered, and watch it grow!" *accompanying clips show this as the happy family all seem just about to piss their collective pants in euphoric joy*
Sing-song voice: "Chi-Chi-Chi-Chiyo!"
Tomo: "And that's not all!"
<We see clips of the pig-tailed pottery-plant at the computer helping a little boy with his homework.>
Tomo: "She's a genius!"
Sing-song voice: "Chi-Chi-Chiyo!"
Tomo: "Chiyo-Pet, the Child Prodigy that grows."
<Tomo walks to another featureless, bland room with another table. Even more Chiyo Pets stand proudly in front of their boxes.>
Tomo: "And, just in time for the Summer we have two more Chiyo-Pets to choose from! There's Chef Chiyo." *points at the Chiyo-Pet pottery that just barely seems to have an apron on under its huge pig-tailed head* "and Osaka Airlines Chiyo Pet!" *a Chiyo-Pet with a body wearing what looks vaguely like a flight suit is picked up by Tomo* "Observe!" *Tomo's hand manipulates the left pig-tail with a slight grinding sound, the right cooperates*
<clips are shown of the new Chef Chiyo-Pets in action in the finest gourmet restaurants, home kitchens, and fast-food restaurants. Osaka Airlines Chiyos are shown in service in the skies all over suburban Tokyo.>
<Osaka wanders into the frame.>
Osaka: "Oh, I declare it is the most of the most, and the best of the best." *her eyes are fixed and rooted at the many, many Osaka Airline Chiyo-Pets dotting the sky."
<Camera cuts back to Tomo advancing on the camera like prey down a long, long row of telephone bank operators.>
Tomo: "But enough sales pitch, let's here some REAL people about how a Chiyo-Pet has saved their gift-giving and receiving experiences!"
<Cut to the girls from the Yukari Birthday scene before sitting on couches in front of a low coffee table with various Chiyo-Pets on it>
Kurosawa: "I finally found something to unload on Yukari!"
Kaorin: "Something for my little brother!"
Yomi: *smiles placatingly at Yukari, who is glaring at her* "It's something I hope I can order fast!"
Kimura: "......."
Sakaki: "...it is so cute..." *blushes sharply, then topples over. She has fainted!*
Kaorin: "Miss Sakaki!" *rushes to her side*
Kimura: "Yes, that's it, Ms. Kaorin! Help your fellow former classmate! Make sure her cardigan sweater isn't making it difficult to breath! Or her pants!" *takes a ragged breath* "and most of all...LET ME ADMINISTER CPR! PLEASE!?!"
<Osaka is smiling distantly, petting each and every Chiyo-Pet very slowly.>
<camera cuts again to Tomo in front of the phonebanks.>
Tomo: "Call now, order TWO Chiyo-Pets within the next ten minutes and you'll get a free coffee table book of 'Chiyo-Pet sees American Frontyards and Public Parks' for no additional charge! Operators are standing by!"
***
The End.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'