goodwin
4th July 2004, 08:00 AM
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Cute Neko Kaydee" <banksw@bellsouth.net>
> To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
> Sent: Sunday, July 04, 2004 4:01 AM
> Subject: [FFML] The Big Choice
>
>
> >
> > Enjoy the fic.^_^
> >
> >
> >
> > -- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
> > -- File: The Big Choice_revised_spellchecked(2).txt
> >
> >
> > Disclaimer : They're not mine.
> >
> > The Big Choice
> >
> > by
> >
> > Cute Neko Kaydee
> >
> >
> > Ranma stood silently in the empty lot next door to the Tendo Dojo, if
> anyone would show up.
>
> We've gotten arieal views of the Tendo Dojo a couple of time and I don't
> think there are any empty lots immedieatly adjacent to hosehold, though
> there are supposed to be several nearby.
>
> > He had invited all those who felt or had decided they had the right to
> marry him.
> >
> > He looked up and saw someone and said "Enter." in a frigid tone.
>
> If its an empty lot, there aren't any boundaries so there's no reason for
> Ranma to have to say "Enter." And if you're continuing a scentence beyond
> the speech, its a comma in the quotation marks, not a full stop.
> >
> > "Ranma..."
> >
> > "Akane. Make yourself comfortable." he said indicating the lawn chairs
he
> had set up.
> >
> > Akane shrugged and sat in a lawn chair.
> >
>
> Ranma being rude to her without Akane giving some sort of reaction? Highly
> unlikely.
>
> > Ranma watched as Akane sat in the lawn chair looking at him now. 'What
did
> I ever see in
> > her?' he thought.
> >
> > Ranma continued to wait. 'Man, they're late.'
>
> As earlier noted, concerning the engagements the odds of any of the
fiancee
> brigade being late is highly unusual, even considering their resteraunt
work
> as both Mousse and Konatsu (depending on how late in series this is) can
> cover for them.
> >
>
> > Ranma glanced towards the street as he heard a "Ra-...Ran-chan".
> >
>
> Why the hesitation in greeting him? It needs explanation
>
> > 'About time Ukyo.' he thought.
> >
> > "Come on in and have a seat." said Ranma.
> >
> > Ukyo walked onto the lot and blinked at all the lawn chairs and then sat
> uncomfortably next to
> > Akane. 'I wonder what Ranma meant when he said he had "made the big
> choice"?' thought
> > Ukyo as she watched Ranma.
>
> Considering the main feature in Ranma's life, it would seem pretty
obvious.
> Obvious enough for Ukyo to jump to conclusions anyway (all the fiancees
are
> quite good at that)
>
> >
> > "Nihao, Arien!" Shampoo called as she bounded onto the lot moments
behind
> Ukyo. "You
> > choose me?!"
> >
> > Ranma laughed. "Sit down Shan Pu, now!"
>
> Further characterisation issues. Ranma has never found Shampoo constant
> glomp and etc to be anything other than annoying or embarrasing. And for
the
> Amazon's names, either use the English word (Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne) or
> the pinyin (romanised Chinese), don't switch between the two without some
> reason.
>
> >
> > Shampoo blinked, and quickly sat in a lawn chair.
> >
> > The three "true" fiancees were here, but Ranma would wait.
> >
> > The girls sat there and Ukyo and Shan, getting somewhat bored, pulled
out
> their pokeballs
> > and started a pokemon battle.
>
> Okay, first big issue with this fic. This pokemon crossover comes
compltely
> out of nowhere, does nothing to progress the story, is utterly pointless
and
> drags through most of the rest of the fic, so why include it?
>
> >
> > 'Sheesh.' thought Ranma. 'Is fighting all they can do?'
> >
>
> That's rather rich coming from someone who will accept any challenge and
> whose personal motto is, 'Saotome Ranma don't lose!'
>
> > "Wait a minute." he mumbled to himself. "Where the Heck did they get
> Pokemon?"
> >
>
> Very good question. Care to try and take a stab at answering it?
>
> > Slowly other people showed up.
> >
> > Genma and Soun were drunk and laughing. They expected an Akane choice
> right now.
> >
>
> Okay, that is in character for those two.
>
> > The Kunos were there too. Ukyo and Shan ignored them and concentrated on
> their pokebattle.
> >
>
> Okay, Shampoo's name is sometimes given with Sham-chan as a diminutive
> (frequently when in her cat form), but her name is never abbreviated to
just
> Sham, or Shan, without some sort of suffix, uusually -chan, being
attached.
>
> > Some of the other guests were blink blinking at this. They wondered when
> Ukyo and Shan had
> > become Pokemon Trainers.
> >
> > Ranma had not spoken a word to anyone since Ukyo and Shan had started
> their Pokemon
> > Battle. He looked over at them and saw Shan's Vulpix breathe out fire
> attacks in the shape of
> > mini bonbari and Ukyo's Pikachu retaliated with an attack of mini
spatulas
> made out of
> > electricity.
>
> Again, this does absolutely nothing for the story, so why include this
> scene.
>
> >The guests also began to wonder why Ranma appeared to be so calm when
they
> all
> > knew that he could be causing allot of trouble with what he had to say
> today. Ranma knew
> > there would be trouble, several people would be hurt and others were
going
> to be confused.
> > 'Man will they.' , he thought.
> >
> > 'Hmmm, I'm already confused. Where the Hell did Ukyo and Shan get
> Pokemon?'
> >
>
> Stop asking that question if you're not going to answer it.
>
> > Ranma glanced around the lot one last time as he prepared to speak. "I
am
> glad to see that all
> > who received my letter showed up. I would also like to thank you for
being
> patient, civilized,
> > while you waited. Well except for Ukyo and Shan who are currently using
> what should be
> > anime characters to battle each other. Where the hell did they get those
> things?! Anyway as I
> > said in my letter I have made my big choice. And by that I mean that I
> have decided to whom I
> > will formally propose to, after that I am no longer an eligible
bachelor.
> This means that
> > anyone else who felt that they could claim me without my consent will be
> beaten to within an
> > inch of life.
>
> It's a well documented fact that Ranma has issues with hitting girls, even
> in his female form and since most of the people being addressed would be
> female, it would be highly unlikely for him to say something like that.
And
> it still doesn't address others like Genma and Soun, who make no claim on
> him, but still try and assert pressure.
>
> >I am not joking, I am not trying a new technique, this is real and this
is
> final. And
> > ... oh my god! Would you look at that!"
> >
> > The reason for Ranma's last sentence was plain to see. Ukyo and Shan had
> started their
> > pokemon to attacking each other and both of Ukyo's and Shan's shirts
were
> now ripped
> > completely apart. Their 'assets' were now plainly visible.
>
> This officially takes it out of the realms of pointless into silly, and
not
> in a good way either.
>
> > Ryoga took one look and got a goofy
> > look on his face, made weird noises, and passed out with a nosebleed.
> >
> > "Hey mate, what's all the ruckus?" said/asked a voice in a shadowy area.
> Ranma looked
> > over and saw a blonde guy in jeans and a leather jacket.
> >
> > "Hiya Spike." he said. "What are you doing here?"
> >
>
> Assuming from the way of talking this is supposed to be Spike from Buffy
the
> Vampire Slayer and Angel, so even if he is hiding in shadows, how did he
get
> there in the first place, since an empty lot wouldn't exactly provide a
lot
> of cover and I'm sure everyone would have noticed someone running in with
a
> jacket over his head. That's odd, even for Nerima.
>
> > "Oh I've got something important to tell you and ... hey are those
> pokemon?" Spike said
> > pointing to the pokemon battle and Ukyo and Shan who were now wrestling
> each other.
> > "Wow!" said Spike who drifted off toward the battle to watch the pokemon
> and also Ukyo's and
> > Shan's naked breasts.
> >
>
> So why did he show up in the first place? If a character says they have
> something important to say, make sure they get a chance to say it,
otherwise
> it can't be that important.
>
> > The lot was utterly silent as all this went on and then Ranma stepped
> towards the crowd. He
> > reached behind his back and pulled out a small black box. Finding his
> beloved he bowed on
> > one knee and opened the box. He then poured cold water on his head. He
> became Ranma-chan
> > for this.
> >
> > "Will you marry me, Kaiou Michiru?"
> >
> > Michiru looked startled. Then she blushed. And finally accepted.
> >
>
> And where exactly is Haruka, her lover as has been stated in an interview
> Takeuchi Naoko-sensei? You do not break up cannon pairings in any series
> without some sort of explanation, or at least an AU warning.
>
> > The women fiancees just stared at her, at the cute green-haired
violinist,
> and then figured out
> > what they had done. Then all Hell broke loose. Literally. Spike had
gotten
> distracted by Ukyo
> > and Shan and had forgotten to warn Ranma that the Hellmouth under Nerima
> was about to
> > open.
>
> Spike isn't that easily distracted, even by half naked females.
>
> >Everybody was shocked to see the demons. Well except for Ryoga who was
> still
> > passed out , Ukyo and Shan who had went from wrestling to 'other
> activities' and Spike who
> > was watching their 'activities' and grinning , staring , and drooling.
> >
>
> Okay, now we go into the realms of silly to just plain bad. The odds of
Ukyo
> and Shampoo doing that in public while a Hellmouth is erupting around them
> is less than infitesimal, even applying lemon logic. And Spike isn't so
> lechorous that two women going at it would override his instincts for
> self-preservation.
>
>
> And this is hardly what could be called an appropriate end for a fic. It
> doesn't even come across as a cliff hanger and more like the story being
> abandoned halfway through.
>
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> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Cute Neko Kaydee" <banksw@bellsouth.net>
> To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
> Sent: Sunday, July 04, 2004 4:01 AM
> Subject: [FFML] The Big Choice
>
>
> >
> > Enjoy the fic.^_^
> >
> >
> >
> > -- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
> > -- File: The Big Choice_revised_spellchecked(2).txt
> >
> >
> > Disclaimer : They're not mine.
> >
> > The Big Choice
> >
> > by
> >
> > Cute Neko Kaydee
> >
> >
> > Ranma stood silently in the empty lot next door to the Tendo Dojo, if
> anyone would show up.
>
> We've gotten arieal views of the Tendo Dojo a couple of time and I don't
> think there are any empty lots immedieatly adjacent to hosehold, though
> there are supposed to be several nearby.
>
> > He had invited all those who felt or had decided they had the right to
> marry him.
> >
> > He looked up and saw someone and said "Enter." in a frigid tone.
>
> If its an empty lot, there aren't any boundaries so there's no reason for
> Ranma to have to say "Enter." And if you're continuing a scentence beyond
> the speech, its a comma in the quotation marks, not a full stop.
> >
> > "Ranma..."
> >
> > "Akane. Make yourself comfortable." he said indicating the lawn chairs
he
> had set up.
> >
> > Akane shrugged and sat in a lawn chair.
> >
>
> Ranma being rude to her without Akane giving some sort of reaction? Highly
> unlikely.
>
> > Ranma watched as Akane sat in the lawn chair looking at him now. 'What
did
> I ever see in
> > her?' he thought.
> >
> > Ranma continued to wait. 'Man, they're late.'
>
> As earlier noted, concerning the engagements the odds of any of the
fiancee
> brigade being late is highly unusual, even considering their resteraunt
work
> as both Mousse and Konatsu (depending on how late in series this is) can
> cover for them.
> >
>
> > Ranma glanced towards the street as he heard a "Ra-...Ran-chan".
> >
>
> Why the hesitation in greeting him? It needs explanation
>
> > 'About time Ukyo.' he thought.
> >
> > "Come on in and have a seat." said Ranma.
> >
> > Ukyo walked onto the lot and blinked at all the lawn chairs and then sat
> uncomfortably next to
> > Akane. 'I wonder what Ranma meant when he said he had "made the big
> choice"?' thought
> > Ukyo as she watched Ranma.
>
> Considering the main feature in Ranma's life, it would seem pretty
obvious.
> Obvious enough for Ukyo to jump to conclusions anyway (all the fiancees
are
> quite good at that)
>
> >
> > "Nihao, Arien!" Shampoo called as she bounded onto the lot moments
behind
> Ukyo. "You
> > choose me?!"
> >
> > Ranma laughed. "Sit down Shan Pu, now!"
>
> Further characterisation issues. Ranma has never found Shampoo constant
> glomp and etc to be anything other than annoying or embarrasing. And for
the
> Amazon's names, either use the English word (Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne) or
> the pinyin (romanised Chinese), don't switch between the two without some
> reason.
>
> >
> > Shampoo blinked, and quickly sat in a lawn chair.
> >
> > The three "true" fiancees were here, but Ranma would wait.
> >
> > The girls sat there and Ukyo and Shan, getting somewhat bored, pulled
out
> their pokeballs
> > and started a pokemon battle.
>
> Okay, first big issue with this fic. This pokemon crossover comes
compltely
> out of nowhere, does nothing to progress the story, is utterly pointless
and
> drags through most of the rest of the fic, so why include it?
>
> >
> > 'Sheesh.' thought Ranma. 'Is fighting all they can do?'
> >
>
> That's rather rich coming from someone who will accept any challenge and
> whose personal motto is, 'Saotome Ranma don't lose!'
>
> > "Wait a minute." he mumbled to himself. "Where the Heck did they get
> Pokemon?"
> >
>
> Very good question. Care to try and take a stab at answering it?
>
> > Slowly other people showed up.
> >
> > Genma and Soun were drunk and laughing. They expected an Akane choice
> right now.
> >
>
> Okay, that is in character for those two.
>
> > The Kunos were there too. Ukyo and Shan ignored them and concentrated on
> their pokebattle.
> >
>
> Okay, Shampoo's name is sometimes given with Sham-chan as a diminutive
> (frequently when in her cat form), but her name is never abbreviated to
just
> Sham, or Shan, without some sort of suffix, uusually -chan, being
attached.
>
> > Some of the other guests were blink blinking at this. They wondered when
> Ukyo and Shan had
> > become Pokemon Trainers.
> >
> > Ranma had not spoken a word to anyone since Ukyo and Shan had started
> their Pokemon
> > Battle. He looked over at them and saw Shan's Vulpix breathe out fire
> attacks in the shape of
> > mini bonbari and Ukyo's Pikachu retaliated with an attack of mini
spatulas
> made out of
> > electricity.
>
> Again, this does absolutely nothing for the story, so why include this
> scene.
>
> >The guests also began to wonder why Ranma appeared to be so calm when
they
> all
> > knew that he could be causing allot of trouble with what he had to say
> today. Ranma knew
> > there would be trouble, several people would be hurt and others were
going
> to be confused.
> > 'Man will they.' , he thought.
> >
> > 'Hmmm, I'm already confused. Where the Hell did Ukyo and Shan get
> Pokemon?'
> >
>
> Stop asking that question if you're not going to answer it.
>
> > Ranma glanced around the lot one last time as he prepared to speak. "I
am
> glad to see that all
> > who received my letter showed up. I would also like to thank you for
being
> patient, civilized,
> > while you waited. Well except for Ukyo and Shan who are currently using
> what should be
> > anime characters to battle each other. Where the hell did they get those
> things?! Anyway as I
> > said in my letter I have made my big choice. And by that I mean that I
> have decided to whom I
> > will formally propose to, after that I am no longer an eligible
bachelor.
> This means that
> > anyone else who felt that they could claim me without my consent will be
> beaten to within an
> > inch of life.
>
> It's a well documented fact that Ranma has issues with hitting girls, even
> in his female form and since most of the people being addressed would be
> female, it would be highly unlikely for him to say something like that.
And
> it still doesn't address others like Genma and Soun, who make no claim on
> him, but still try and assert pressure.
>
> >I am not joking, I am not trying a new technique, this is real and this
is
> final. And
> > ... oh my god! Would you look at that!"
> >
> > The reason for Ranma's last sentence was plain to see. Ukyo and Shan had
> started their
> > pokemon to attacking each other and both of Ukyo's and Shan's shirts
were
> now ripped
> > completely apart. Their 'assets' were now plainly visible.
>
> This officially takes it out of the realms of pointless into silly, and
not
> in a good way either.
>
> > Ryoga took one look and got a goofy
> > look on his face, made weird noises, and passed out with a nosebleed.
> >
> > "Hey mate, what's all the ruckus?" said/asked a voice in a shadowy area.
> Ranma looked
> > over and saw a blonde guy in jeans and a leather jacket.
> >
> > "Hiya Spike." he said. "What are you doing here?"
> >
>
> Assuming from the way of talking this is supposed to be Spike from Buffy
the
> Vampire Slayer and Angel, so even if he is hiding in shadows, how did he
get
> there in the first place, since an empty lot wouldn't exactly provide a
lot
> of cover and I'm sure everyone would have noticed someone running in with
a
> jacket over his head. That's odd, even for Nerima.
>
> > "Oh I've got something important to tell you and ... hey are those
> pokemon?" Spike said
> > pointing to the pokemon battle and Ukyo and Shan who were now wrestling
> each other.
> > "Wow!" said Spike who drifted off toward the battle to watch the pokemon
> and also Ukyo's and
> > Shan's naked breasts.
> >
>
> So why did he show up in the first place? If a character says they have
> something important to say, make sure they get a chance to say it,
otherwise
> it can't be that important.
>
> > The lot was utterly silent as all this went on and then Ranma stepped
> towards the crowd. He
> > reached behind his back and pulled out a small black box. Finding his
> beloved he bowed on
> > one knee and opened the box. He then poured cold water on his head. He
> became Ranma-chan
> > for this.
> >
> > "Will you marry me, Kaiou Michiru?"
> >
> > Michiru looked startled. Then she blushed. And finally accepted.
> >
>
> And where exactly is Haruka, her lover as has been stated in an interview
> Takeuchi Naoko-sensei? You do not break up cannon pairings in any series
> without some sort of explanation, or at least an AU warning.
>
> > The women fiancees just stared at her, at the cute green-haired
violinist,
> and then figured out
> > what they had done. Then all Hell broke loose. Literally. Spike had
gotten
> distracted by Ukyo
> > and Shan and had forgotten to warn Ranma that the Hellmouth under Nerima
> was about to
> > open.
>
> Spike isn't that easily distracted, even by half naked females.
>
> >Everybody was shocked to see the demons. Well except for Ryoga who was
> still
> > passed out , Ukyo and Shan who had went from wrestling to 'other
> activities' and Spike who
> > was watching their 'activities' and grinning , staring , and drooling.
> >
>
> Okay, now we go into the realms of silly to just plain bad. The odds of
Ukyo
> and Shampoo doing that in public while a Hellmouth is erupting around them
> is less than infitesimal, even applying lemon logic. And Spike isn't so
> lechorous that two women going at it would override his instincts for
> self-preservation.
>
>
> And this is hardly what could be called an appropriate end for a fic. It
> doesn't even come across as a cliff hanger and more like the story being
> abandoned halfway through.
>
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'