Paul Richard Corrigan
24th March 2004, 02:00 AM
This one needs lots of work. Whether I'll have time to revise it between now
and ACen I don't know. Oh well. At least I can kid myself I'm still a fanfic
writer.
At any rate, comments welcome.
Paul Corrigan
corrig11@msu.edu
---
Zed's dead baby.
---
Make me young! Make me young!
---
When I was in junior high school a boy killed himself for me.
I didn't think it that impressive at the time. I had many admirers,
none of whom satisfied my tastes, and this boy was regarded by just about
everyone as not quite right in the head. He had a habit of following girls
around like a puppy. An obsessive, probably a pervert. One Valentine's Day
I gave him chocolate for politeness' sake and he asked me to marry him. I
made some smarmy remark to him about how sweet he was, but I really didn't
want a boyfriend just now. Like you do.
When I got the news that he'd done himself in, I was actually relieved.
The world was better off without him--or at least I was, which was the same
thing to me at the time. He was in my class, so as class representative I
made an equally smarmy statement to a school assembly about what a fine
person he was and how much we were all going to miss him, and then laughed
about the whole affair at the family dinner table. My mother was so angry
about my attitude she refused to speak to me for weeks afterwards.
It wasn't until I fell in love myself that I realized why. Now and again I
have a nightmare about seeing the boy from junior high throw himself on the
tracks. I walk up to inspect the corpse, and see the boy has my lover's
face.
---
The American Wake
---
A _Kareshi Kanojo no Jijo_ (_Karekano_) fanfic by Paul Corrigan
---
_Karekano_ concept devised by Masami Tsuda
---
For J.R.
---
The August of my first year at the University of Tokyo I had just emerged
from a really boring mathematics class when I got a call on my cellphone.
I'd expected a call from Soichiro, so I answered it immediately.
"Hello, Yukino Miyazawa here."
"Miyazawa? This is Maho Isawa. Can we meet?"
"Oh Maho! Hi! What's up?"
"Well, there is that whole business of leaving for New York in a few
days."
"Oh my god...when do you leave? You want me to come to the airport?"
"No...I wanted to see you before then. Is that all right?"
"Of course...Maho, why didn't you get a hold of me before now? I haven't
heard from you since graduation. You didn't say when you were going...I was
afraid you'd already gone and not told anyone."
"If you were that concerned you could have called me..."
"Point...sure. When do you want to meet?"
"How's this afternoon?"
"This afternoon? Hm...my last class gets out at one...I'll be there as
quick as I can after that. You're in the same place, right?"
"Of course."
"Say...can I bring Soichiro?"
"No!...No. Just bring yourself."
"Oh." That took me by surprise. "Okay. Sure. Something wrong?"
"No...I'd just rather have the two of us there. Nobody else will be home."
"Okay. See you soon."
---
"Have you heard from Tsubaki Sakura?"
"Oh yeah. She and Tonami are having a whale of a time. She e-mailed me
pictures of then in the Andes. Looks beautiful out there. They've been all
over."
"That's interesting."
"Why? Didn't you hear from her?"
"Not a thing. Of course we were never friends really."
"Oh that's not true, she just liked to tease you. Like she did Rika and
Tsubasa."
"Is that so?" Maho sipped her tea, looking thoughtful.
I'd arrived about two hours previously, and Maho had sat me on her couch
and fed me tea and cakes from the bakery her family owns and she'd pumped me
for information about how Todai was, and about our friends, and thus and so
forth. Thing was, while she was doing all that pumping, she didn't seem to
care about the answers. She'd just nod her head and listen to me talk, an
odd expression on her face, waiting for me to finish so she could say
something. But then when I'd done, she wouldn't say it, but just ask me
about some other person we'd both known, like she was stalling for time.
"I never did like your friends very much," she added.
I put down my own tea. "Maho."
"Yes."
"Why did you invite me here today?"
"I wanted to see you before I went to America."
"Maho. You could have called me any time before now. Something's the
matter. What's wrong? Don't you want to go any more? You getting cold feet?"
"No, that's not it at all."
"Then what?"
"I didn't want any regrets."
"I don't understand..."
Maho swallowed and started again. "I was thinking about how I first met
you."
I just laughed, feeling relieved. "Maho, you're still torn up about the
hard time you gave me? I got over it long ago..."
"Let me finish, all right?" she almost shouted. I almost jumped out of my
chair at the sound. She put her own tea down.
"Okay. I'm sorry."
Maho turned to look at me. She was always much more beautiful than I was,
I thought. Long slim legs, perfect figure. Beautiful long dark hair. Just
like Soichiro. Except his was short, of course. She could have been his
sister, I always thought. When I was in high school she always struck me as
more mature and sophisticated than I could be, with her older boyfriend and
all. I looked up to her.
I look up to Soichiro too.
"I hated you. From the moment I saw you. And I still do."
Maho took my hand. It wasn't the first time she'd done that, when we were
by ourselves and she was excited or upset. I used to get a thrill out of it,
even. You might say I had a bit of a crush on her, yes. This felt different,
though. More insistent.
"It was unhealthy, how much I hated you. Obsession. Anybody who didn't
know any better might have taken it for passionate love."
It was just then I remembered the last time someone had asked me over,
promising nobody else would be home.
"I would see you with Soichiro Arima, and I'd ask myself over and over,
how in God's name could he stay with such an awful, self-absorbed,
suferficial girl as Yukino Miyazawa? Perhaps he knew something I didn't.
Perhaps there was a side to Miyazawa I hadn't seen."
"Maho...you're trembling..."
She looked into my eyes. The same look he'd given me.
"Miyazawa...I want to see the side of you Soichiro Arima sees."
I was trembling too. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would
burst. I shut my eyes and let her put her lips to mine. They tasted like
oranges, like Earl Grey tea.
--
"What are you thinking about?" she asked while we lay in her bed, her arm
embracing me, her fingers enlaced in mine.
"What am I going to tell Soichiro?"
"About what?"
"About this...about us..."
"You don't haven't figured it out, Yukino?...There is no us. Not any
more."
"What do you mean?"
"Yusuke and I have talked. About our future. When he's done at school in
America...he's going to do whatever it takes to stay there. He has no
family. He has no reason to come back here. I don't want to have any reason
to look back either."
I squeezed her hand a little. "Now I'll be the one with regrets."
"Why?"
"Maho...I didn't want us to be like this. I didn't want to remember you
like this."
"Why didn't you try to stop me then?"
"I don't know."
"Liar."
I was silent a moment. She wasn't exactly right. I wasn't sure just how to
explain.
"You remember when our class went to Kyoto?"
"Yes."
"I was rooming with Aya Sawada and Rika Sena. Late one night, while we
were there..."
"What happened?"
"I heard them whispering some, then shifting about in the futon right next
to me, and Rika sighing and moaning. Not too loud--they thought I was
asleep. But loud enough that I realized what they were doing pretty quick."
Maho said nothing.
"Thing was--something told me this wasn't the first time they'd done this
but--I don't think Rika really wanted to. She sounded pretty reluctant. I
wondered why she'd let Aya do that. But I said to myself then, Soichiro only
goes to me when he's on the point of a nervous breakdown. So when he does I
can never say no either..."
"And that's why you didn't say no to me?"
I said nothing.
"Yukino. I need you to do a couple of things for me."
I said nothing.
"First of all, don't tell anyone about this..."
I said nothing.
"Second. Whatever you do, don't come to the airport. If you do I mightn't
be able to get on the plane. Don't call me in New York, and for God's sake
don't ever try to visit. From now on Maho Isawa's dead as far as you're
concerned. Let me rest in peace."
I said nothing.
"My parents'll be back from work soon. They think I'm packing my bags
right now. I need to start doing that before they get home. Don't make this
harder than it is. Put your clothes on and get out of here."
Maho let go of my hand. I was able to contain myself until I'd gotten all
my clothes on, put on my jacket and grabbed my purse. Why I couldn't have
waited the five seconds it would have taken to go through the door and close
it behind me I'll never know.
That's a lie. I know damned well why. Maho told me.
"Maho."
Maho didn't reply at first.
"...I love you too."
"You bitch."
I turned to face her. Maho was sitting up in her bed, not bothering to
hide
her chest, her expression half heartbreak and half murderous rage.
"You lying, patronizing little bitch, didn't you hear a single word I
said? I don't want your pity any more. You want to patronize someone,
patronize your fucked-up boyfriend! Not me! Get out of my house! Get out
before I throw you out!"
I hesitated just a moment. Maho grabbed a heavy-looking book from her side
table and threw it at me, missing only by a few hairs. I was sure the next
one wouldn't miss. I ran from the room and out of the house, not bothering
to close Maho's front door behind me.
"Out!"
---
On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
When I got home Kano was listening to a Barenaked Ladies CD at volume 10
up in our room. Living with your parents sucks when you're in college. I
hate being poor.
If I pack the car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?
"Turn that crap off. Don't you have homework or proofreading for Ayaki
Sawai to do or something?"
Kano pulled a face when I interrupted her air karaoke. "What bit you?"
"I've had a shitty day, that's what bit me."
Kano's expression turned a bit more conciliatory. "...Have you been
crying? What happened? You have a fight with Arima?"
"No. Look, it's got nothing to do with you and there's nothing you can do
to help, okay? Go listen to that somewhere else. I'm not feeling well."
"Okay, okay...I'm sorry." While I went to lie down Kano turned off the CD,
took it out of the boom box and turned to go.
"Kano."
Kano turned back. "Yeah, sis?"
"Why do you want to go to Canada? Do you hate me too?"
"Huh?"
TSUZUKU
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and ACen I don't know. Oh well. At least I can kid myself I'm still a fanfic
writer.
At any rate, comments welcome.
Paul Corrigan
corrig11@msu.edu
---
Zed's dead baby.
---
Make me young! Make me young!
---
When I was in junior high school a boy killed himself for me.
I didn't think it that impressive at the time. I had many admirers,
none of whom satisfied my tastes, and this boy was regarded by just about
everyone as not quite right in the head. He had a habit of following girls
around like a puppy. An obsessive, probably a pervert. One Valentine's Day
I gave him chocolate for politeness' sake and he asked me to marry him. I
made some smarmy remark to him about how sweet he was, but I really didn't
want a boyfriend just now. Like you do.
When I got the news that he'd done himself in, I was actually relieved.
The world was better off without him--or at least I was, which was the same
thing to me at the time. He was in my class, so as class representative I
made an equally smarmy statement to a school assembly about what a fine
person he was and how much we were all going to miss him, and then laughed
about the whole affair at the family dinner table. My mother was so angry
about my attitude she refused to speak to me for weeks afterwards.
It wasn't until I fell in love myself that I realized why. Now and again I
have a nightmare about seeing the boy from junior high throw himself on the
tracks. I walk up to inspect the corpse, and see the boy has my lover's
face.
---
The American Wake
---
A _Kareshi Kanojo no Jijo_ (_Karekano_) fanfic by Paul Corrigan
---
_Karekano_ concept devised by Masami Tsuda
---
For J.R.
---
The August of my first year at the University of Tokyo I had just emerged
from a really boring mathematics class when I got a call on my cellphone.
I'd expected a call from Soichiro, so I answered it immediately.
"Hello, Yukino Miyazawa here."
"Miyazawa? This is Maho Isawa. Can we meet?"
"Oh Maho! Hi! What's up?"
"Well, there is that whole business of leaving for New York in a few
days."
"Oh my god...when do you leave? You want me to come to the airport?"
"No...I wanted to see you before then. Is that all right?"
"Of course...Maho, why didn't you get a hold of me before now? I haven't
heard from you since graduation. You didn't say when you were going...I was
afraid you'd already gone and not told anyone."
"If you were that concerned you could have called me..."
"Point...sure. When do you want to meet?"
"How's this afternoon?"
"This afternoon? Hm...my last class gets out at one...I'll be there as
quick as I can after that. You're in the same place, right?"
"Of course."
"Say...can I bring Soichiro?"
"No!...No. Just bring yourself."
"Oh." That took me by surprise. "Okay. Sure. Something wrong?"
"No...I'd just rather have the two of us there. Nobody else will be home."
"Okay. See you soon."
---
"Have you heard from Tsubaki Sakura?"
"Oh yeah. She and Tonami are having a whale of a time. She e-mailed me
pictures of then in the Andes. Looks beautiful out there. They've been all
over."
"That's interesting."
"Why? Didn't you hear from her?"
"Not a thing. Of course we were never friends really."
"Oh that's not true, she just liked to tease you. Like she did Rika and
Tsubasa."
"Is that so?" Maho sipped her tea, looking thoughtful.
I'd arrived about two hours previously, and Maho had sat me on her couch
and fed me tea and cakes from the bakery her family owns and she'd pumped me
for information about how Todai was, and about our friends, and thus and so
forth. Thing was, while she was doing all that pumping, she didn't seem to
care about the answers. She'd just nod her head and listen to me talk, an
odd expression on her face, waiting for me to finish so she could say
something. But then when I'd done, she wouldn't say it, but just ask me
about some other person we'd both known, like she was stalling for time.
"I never did like your friends very much," she added.
I put down my own tea. "Maho."
"Yes."
"Why did you invite me here today?"
"I wanted to see you before I went to America."
"Maho. You could have called me any time before now. Something's the
matter. What's wrong? Don't you want to go any more? You getting cold feet?"
"No, that's not it at all."
"Then what?"
"I didn't want any regrets."
"I don't understand..."
Maho swallowed and started again. "I was thinking about how I first met
you."
I just laughed, feeling relieved. "Maho, you're still torn up about the
hard time you gave me? I got over it long ago..."
"Let me finish, all right?" she almost shouted. I almost jumped out of my
chair at the sound. She put her own tea down.
"Okay. I'm sorry."
Maho turned to look at me. She was always much more beautiful than I was,
I thought. Long slim legs, perfect figure. Beautiful long dark hair. Just
like Soichiro. Except his was short, of course. She could have been his
sister, I always thought. When I was in high school she always struck me as
more mature and sophisticated than I could be, with her older boyfriend and
all. I looked up to her.
I look up to Soichiro too.
"I hated you. From the moment I saw you. And I still do."
Maho took my hand. It wasn't the first time she'd done that, when we were
by ourselves and she was excited or upset. I used to get a thrill out of it,
even. You might say I had a bit of a crush on her, yes. This felt different,
though. More insistent.
"It was unhealthy, how much I hated you. Obsession. Anybody who didn't
know any better might have taken it for passionate love."
It was just then I remembered the last time someone had asked me over,
promising nobody else would be home.
"I would see you with Soichiro Arima, and I'd ask myself over and over,
how in God's name could he stay with such an awful, self-absorbed,
suferficial girl as Yukino Miyazawa? Perhaps he knew something I didn't.
Perhaps there was a side to Miyazawa I hadn't seen."
"Maho...you're trembling..."
She looked into my eyes. The same look he'd given me.
"Miyazawa...I want to see the side of you Soichiro Arima sees."
I was trembling too. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would
burst. I shut my eyes and let her put her lips to mine. They tasted like
oranges, like Earl Grey tea.
--
"What are you thinking about?" she asked while we lay in her bed, her arm
embracing me, her fingers enlaced in mine.
"What am I going to tell Soichiro?"
"About what?"
"About this...about us..."
"You don't haven't figured it out, Yukino?...There is no us. Not any
more."
"What do you mean?"
"Yusuke and I have talked. About our future. When he's done at school in
America...he's going to do whatever it takes to stay there. He has no
family. He has no reason to come back here. I don't want to have any reason
to look back either."
I squeezed her hand a little. "Now I'll be the one with regrets."
"Why?"
"Maho...I didn't want us to be like this. I didn't want to remember you
like this."
"Why didn't you try to stop me then?"
"I don't know."
"Liar."
I was silent a moment. She wasn't exactly right. I wasn't sure just how to
explain.
"You remember when our class went to Kyoto?"
"Yes."
"I was rooming with Aya Sawada and Rika Sena. Late one night, while we
were there..."
"What happened?"
"I heard them whispering some, then shifting about in the futon right next
to me, and Rika sighing and moaning. Not too loud--they thought I was
asleep. But loud enough that I realized what they were doing pretty quick."
Maho said nothing.
"Thing was--something told me this wasn't the first time they'd done this
but--I don't think Rika really wanted to. She sounded pretty reluctant. I
wondered why she'd let Aya do that. But I said to myself then, Soichiro only
goes to me when he's on the point of a nervous breakdown. So when he does I
can never say no either..."
"And that's why you didn't say no to me?"
I said nothing.
"Yukino. I need you to do a couple of things for me."
I said nothing.
"First of all, don't tell anyone about this..."
I said nothing.
"Second. Whatever you do, don't come to the airport. If you do I mightn't
be able to get on the plane. Don't call me in New York, and for God's sake
don't ever try to visit. From now on Maho Isawa's dead as far as you're
concerned. Let me rest in peace."
I said nothing.
"My parents'll be back from work soon. They think I'm packing my bags
right now. I need to start doing that before they get home. Don't make this
harder than it is. Put your clothes on and get out of here."
Maho let go of my hand. I was able to contain myself until I'd gotten all
my clothes on, put on my jacket and grabbed my purse. Why I couldn't have
waited the five seconds it would have taken to go through the door and close
it behind me I'll never know.
That's a lie. I know damned well why. Maho told me.
"Maho."
Maho didn't reply at first.
"...I love you too."
"You bitch."
I turned to face her. Maho was sitting up in her bed, not bothering to
hide
her chest, her expression half heartbreak and half murderous rage.
"You lying, patronizing little bitch, didn't you hear a single word I
said? I don't want your pity any more. You want to patronize someone,
patronize your fucked-up boyfriend! Not me! Get out of my house! Get out
before I throw you out!"
I hesitated just a moment. Maho grabbed a heavy-looking book from her side
table and threw it at me, missing only by a few hairs. I was sure the next
one wouldn't miss. I ran from the room and out of the house, not bothering
to close Maho's front door behind me.
"Out!"
---
On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
When I got home Kano was listening to a Barenaked Ladies CD at volume 10
up in our room. Living with your parents sucks when you're in college. I
hate being poor.
If I pack the car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?
"Turn that crap off. Don't you have homework or proofreading for Ayaki
Sawai to do or something?"
Kano pulled a face when I interrupted her air karaoke. "What bit you?"
"I've had a shitty day, that's what bit me."
Kano's expression turned a bit more conciliatory. "...Have you been
crying? What happened? You have a fight with Arima?"
"No. Look, it's got nothing to do with you and there's nothing you can do
to help, okay? Go listen to that somewhere else. I'm not feeling well."
"Okay, okay...I'm sorry." While I went to lie down Kano turned off the CD,
took it out of the boom box and turned to go.
"Kano."
Kano turned back. "Yeah, sis?"
"Why do you want to go to Canada? Do you hate me too?"
"Huh?"
TSUZUKU
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