Jared Waddell
29th October 2006, 03:03 AM
Almost there. I think, THINK, that's only one more part to go. Then we call it done. Then I rest... for a day or two.
To Insanity, and beyond!
----------
[The recovery room, some hours later. The door opens to admit the three
stooges--Toji, Kensuke, and Shinji. Jared spies them, his calm, watching
stare freezing them in their tracks. Then the moment passes and the four
greet each other in the tradition of insecure heterosexual males
everywhere.]
Toji: Hey.
Jared: Hey.
Kensuke: 'Sup.
Shinji: Hey. How are you doing?
Jared: Fine, fine. How are things on the outside?
Shinji: Boring. We've been sitting in the staging rooms since yesterday.
Toji: We... we were worried about you, man.
Jared: No you weren't. (looks at Toji) You're upset that I taught you to
sing, aren't you?
Shinji: We aren't supposed to sing during an alert!
Kensuke: Singing? What?
Shinji: Eh, Jared taught Toji to do something we're prohibited from--
Jared: (raises a finger) Read the manual, Shinji. It is _not_
prohibited, just... frowned upon. You silly Japanese... is Asuka still
upset at me?
Shinji: (glowering) About what, specifically?
Jared: Um... never mind. (begins whistling "Fly me to the Moon")
Toji: We shoulda brought a card or something.
Kensuke: Or one of those hand grenade lighters.
Jared: (looking at Kensuke) You aren't going to train with Andy. Ever.
[He looks at the ceiling. The pilots look at the ceiling. For a moment
all four admire the hastily tacked-up poster of a naked and very well-
endowed woman giving a lascivious "come hither" gesture to all who look
at her.]
Toji: (slight blush) What is it with you and girls?
Jared: Throughout history, women have been oppressed, treated as sex
objects, sacrifices, and slaves. The oldest profession is prostitution
for crying out loud! I admire woman for her strength, for her persever-
ance, for her forgiving nature, for carrying children, and for enduring
the fire and the sword! Woman _deserves_ to be free, to be worshiped!
She is the hearth, the home, and the sheath for man! (crosses himself) I
lay in humble awe of woman, and dedicate myself to treating the fairer
sex in the manner they truly deserve, not pillage their rights to
satisfy my base urges.
Toji: And yet, helping them just has to involve tons of sex, right?
Jared: (first genuine smile of the day) Who am I to complain if being
such a great guy just goes along with engaging in the natural and common
practice of procreation?
[All four look serious and nod gravely for all of three seconds, then
burst out laughing.]
----------
[A short while after Suzuhara and Ikari leave, Rei enters Jared's
hospital room.]
Jared: Oi. I really don't feel up a quickie right now, Rei-chan.
Rei: ...
Jared: My hands are doing fine, though.
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: Did you want something?
Rei: are you all right?
Jared: < o_0; > I'm...okay. How are you?
Rei: i am fine.
Jared: (lets out a whistle while eying her appreciatively) Yes you are.
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
[Rei turns to leave.]
Jared: Rei?
Rei: hai?
Jared: Can you do me a favor?
Rei: ...
Jared: Give Asuka a big kiss with lots of tongue. Please? I'll pay you
if you can video tape it!
[Rei opens the door and steps into the hallway.]
Rei: i'll think about it.
[Then the door closes.]
Jared: (to himself) Aren't you a ray of sunshine today?
----------
[Public Service Announcement 3: Back from the Dead.]
Author-Jared: (holding up a... moldy black book?) Behold, the Tome of
Lost Ideas!
Author-John: (worried) What are you going to do with that?
Author-Andy: Don't open it, you'll kill us all!
Author-Jared: Don't be silly. There's gotta be a good one in here.
[He opens the book, and it is ripe.]
Author-Andy: Eew!
Author-John: Jared, they're dead! They're gone! You can't bring them
back!
Author-Jared: (insane cult leader voice) Can't I?
[Freeze frame, a chibi-Andy walks into the scene.]
Chibi-Andy: Let dead ideas rest in peace.
----------
[Hours later, Andy walks through the door to Jared's hospital room.]
Jared: Not it.
Andy: What?
Jared: I can tell just by the look on your face.
Andy: Don't start with me. I need to know--Not--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --it! Damn you Waddell! (cracking) That's not fair! Three two
one--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --Not it! ... GOD DAMN IT!!! You always call not it first!
Jared: (shrugs) What else did you come here for?
Andy: (snarling) The 12th.
Jared: (thoughtful) Everyone's been sooo curious about that lately.
(pulls down his hospital gown a bit to reveal a surprisingly hairy chest
and speaks in a voice dripping seduction) Isn't there something else
you'd like to talk about?
[Andy looks ready to burst an aorta. He stops and takes a few calming
breaths. Jared waits patiently.]
Andy: So. What happened inside?
Jared: (lighting his face from below with a flashlight and speaking in a
spooky voice) It was a living hell...
Andy: Oh? Well forget I asked, then.
Jared: But... but... I had a flashback all prepared!
Andy: (checks his Mini-MAGI) Well, the next scene's not due up for
another thirty seconds. What have you got?
Jared: It's only one cut.
[Andy gestures "go ahead."]
----------
[Flashback.]
[Jared is facing himself. Nothing unusual, at least in Eva.]
Jared: What the fuck? I'm in one of those Abstract Eva Mind thingies,
aren't I?
Jared: Yes you are.
Jared: I'm here to question my existence or some shit?
Jared: That's my job, actually.
Jared: Fuck that noise. (short pause) I've always wanted to do this.
Jared: Well, go for it. It's your time after all.
[Two two point at each other excitedly.]
Jared: You da man!
Jared: No, you da man!
Jared: No, _you_ da man!
[End Flashback (THANK THE MOTHER FUCKING LORD!).]
----------
Andy: (clawing at the door) LeT mE OuT!!!
Jared: Hey, I want to know what happened to John!
[Andy stops and looks even more shaken than before.]
Andy: ... Didn't you heard his brain break?
Jared: No. Did it snap like a twig under an elephant's hoof?
Andy: Elephants don't have hooves, do they?
Jared: I suppose parties sufficiently interested can find that out for
themselves.
[Both Goons look pointedly at you for a moment.]
Jared: Anyway, it's the distinctive sound of a dry pretzel being broken
in two with the devil's own pliers in the hands of a soulless ice-cream
man. (sighs) Oh, the memories...
Andy: (nods) That was the sound.
Jared: So, he's reached the preliminary dissociative state?
Andy: It's pretty mild this time. We're looking at a class-1 patch
failure.
Jared: (muses over this for a moment) It sure came on quick. I don't
suppose there's any hint of further disruption in the matrix.
Andy: We're not that unlucky yet, but the 13th could arrive any time.
Jared: I'd like to breathe free air before jumping into the breech
again. What about the Jet-Alone MkII?
Andy: A week away, or something like that. Look, John's our first
priority.
Jared: Okay. What are you thinking?
Andy: I'm thinking a full patch. We'll remain prepared for a Class 6
failure.
Jared: Well, we are in Eva.
Andy: Yes, of course.
----------
[A few doors down the hall, the Goons enter another private room. John
is strapped to a bed, humming the Imperial March from Star Wars.]
Andy: John, what day is it?
John: Candy! (short pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
[Andy and Jared exchange knowing looks.]
Jared: < ^_^ > I can fix him. I have the technology!
[In a flash, Jared is wearing a surgical gown and holding a shaving
razor in one hand and a bone saw in the other. He walks over to John,
joined by a tall nurse who leans over John to tuck in the sheet covering
him, flashing a foot of cleavage in the process. Jared revs the bone saw
with enthusiasm.]
Andy: < -_- > No. Let me flash him. You snap him out of it. He'll be
docile, easy to lead, just like last time. Avoid anyone important or
dangerous and get him to the apartment. I'll run interference and get
the anime lined up for "reprogramming."
Jared: (back his "normal" clothes, playfully slaps the nurse's ass as
she leaves) How long do you think the patch will hold?
Andy: No way to tell for certain.
Jared: (serious in a way he hasn't been... well, since the beginning of
this series) Andy, you'll have to keep the womenfolk away. You know what
kind of trouble they'll stir up.
Andy: I know.
Jared: (grabs Andy's arm, eyes flash threateningly) Andy. You will _not_
tell them what happened. Not a word of it.
Andy: (gulps) Not a word.
Jared: All right. (lets go of Andy) Flash him.
Andy: (pulls out the neurolizer) Cover your eyes.
[Flash.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Outside of John's room, Andy puts the neurolizer away, checks his
Mini-MAGI, and quickly teleports to a hallway nearly a mile away.]
Andy: (appearing in front of Misato and Ritsuko on their way to Hospital
#2) LOOK, A FLYING PIG!!!
[The NERV officers walk past him, talking amongst themselves.]
Andy: (thinking the painfully obvious) That's not going to distract
them. I must... strategize.
[Andy fires a ki blast down the hallway, detonating it a dozen yards
past the women.]
Ritsuko: What the hell was that for?!
Misato: You nearly killed us!
Andy: (assumes a running pose) It's time to play "follow the mad
mecha..."
[But Ritsuko and Misato have already ducked through a side door.]
Andy: (idly) Usually it's the background extras that run away from me.
And usually, they're screaming. (sets himself) I can't believe I'm going
to chase women for those bastards...
----------
[Jared sits on the only chair in John's room. John's reciting verses
from the Necronomicon in the original Sanskrit. But Jared isn't really
paying attention, even when one of the incantations catches his hair on
fire. No, his attention is turned inward, to the past, to the past he
related to Ritsuko, to when he wasn't there for John because...]
Jared: (thinking) I just have to get him to the apartment. He's _my_
responsibility. I just need him moving... I need to snap him out of
it...
Melanie: (VO from memory) You have what it takes...
Jared: (sighs, then sets himself) Look! Rit-chan naked!
[No response. Jared whips off his shoes and grabs a few supplies from
the room's cabinet and begins juggling them. Well, he throws them into
the air with great flourish, anyway. The NERV orchestra tosses off a few
bars from the Sabre Dance.]
Jared: (bowing and smiling, even as the objects pelt the back of his
head) Eh? Eh? EH?!
[No response.]
[Jared pulls up a curtain for a few seconds. When it drops, he's dressed
in a tutu. The NERV Orchestra begins a fast-paced Can-Can tune that
Jared dances to for a moment.]
[No response.]
[Jared attempts shadow puppets on John's prone form, using a nearby
floor lamp.]
[Nothing.]
[But Jared doesn't give up easily. He tries tickling the Goon, pushing
his bed around, reading literature to him, doing a solo of "The Pirates
of Penzance," throwing daggers at the bed and wall around him, shooting
apples from his head with arrows, and holding a rich chocolate and
strawberry sundae under his nose.]
[Jared stops to ponder his next move, but after finishing the sundae,
whatever evil machinations were brewing within his "brain" are rendered
irrelevant. When he's making to leave for a few shaving razors and a
bucket of warm water, John finally wakes up.]
John: (as if just realizing this) I know C++.
Jared: (horrified) Show me.
[John whips a pen out of...somewhere, and draws something on his sheets.
Jared reads it, runs to the wastebasket and becomes violently sick.]
Jared: (wiping his mouth) Only object-oriented code can make me that
nauseous. Okay, that proves you know C++. How do you feel?
John: Purple.
Jared: I go through all this trouble to wake you up and you say
"purple?!"
John: You were trying to wake me up?
Jared: (dramatic wounded collapse to floor) My genius is wasted on you!
John: (also dramatic) Your genius is wasted on everybody!
Jared: (more drama) You wound me!
John: (matching drama) I have not yet begun to wound you!
Jared: (normal) So what's up?
John: < ^_^ > Slide.
Jared: Do you have anything to add?
John: Pickle.
Jared: < o_o; > ... Is that your final answer?
John: Hmmm... what is the State of Mississippi?
Jared: Do you know where you are?
John: (with great confidence and enthusiasm) FISH! (then somewhat
confused) La Grange point alpha?
[Jared checks the room, then John's chart, apparently to see if any
amount of a certain drug has been recently administered to the Goon. It
seems that none has, for Jared finally sighs a Great Sigh.]
John: Are we done?
Jared: Do remember what happened before you got knocked out?
John: (thinks hard for a minute) Is this a trick question?
Jared: (out loud) Well, at least no one will ask stupid questions while
I keep him occupied.
[Jared un-straps his friend and they make for the door.]
John: (at the two leave the room) I like your hairdo.
Jared: (shocked, feeling his flaming mop) I HAVE HAIR?!!
----------
[Meanwhile, down the hallway and around a few corners, Misato and
Ritsuko run as if pursued by the devil, only their pursuer is much, much
worse.]
Misato: (outright panic) He still hasn't said boom whee!
Ritsuko: (outright panic) Has the world gone mad?!!
[Andy drops into the hallway from a conveniently placed ventilation
grate.]
Andy: (Dark Helmet style) Fooo~uuund you!
[Andy fires a blast into their midst. Misato, acting on instinct,
returns fire.]
Misato: Hadouken!
[A minor explosion rocks the corridor.]
Andy: (covered in dust, but otherwise unharmed) Most impressive.
[The Major and scientist are beyond freaked out now. Ritsuko draws her
light sabre, casting eerie rays of red light through the dust, while
Misato quickly does a few stretches.]
Andy: I need to talk to you two for a minute.
[The women draw themselves into threatening fighting stances.]
Andy: (evil smirk) But if you want to play...
Ritsuko: (charging) YAAAA!
Misato: (charging) KIYAAA!
Andy: (charging) TACO!!!
[They fight.]
[It's completely a bad-assed fight, both picturesque and artistic in
ways impossible to describe with mere words. So, I won't.]
----------
[Jared and John stand before an imposing door. A door that has all but
earned it's own chapter in the modern mythology that is Eva... the door
to... Gendo's office.]
John: Did the commander want to see us?
Jared: He's not here right now.
John: We're going to wait for him?
Jared: I mean, he's not in the country.
John: (glasses shine brightly) ... How about we prank the place?
Jared: (holds up various implements one would find in a well-stocked
joke store) Good thing I came prepared.
[Jared makes quick work of the locks while John draws a large diagram
detailing how they will make maximum use out of the various devices
Jared... got from wherever.]
Jared: The props department.
[Yes, thank you, I--]
[A ceiling tile smacks into Jared's head. The Goon leaps back, drawing
into a defensive stance.]
Jared: Watch out! The door frame's booby-trapped.
[John plays him no heed and marches inside with his arms loaded down.]
John: Why are you still standing there, get a move on!
Jared: (saluting) Yes sir!
[The two quickly set up a wide variety of pranks, leaving only the chair
and desk un-touched. After a few minutes of work, the two stand on the
highly modified trap-door, looking critically at the desk and
comfortable chair, throwing ideas back and forth.]
Jared: Spring-loaded ejector seat?
John: Rocket-powered ejector seat?
Jared: Venus flytrap on the desktop?
John: Fishing line around the chair's base?
Jared: Tasers in the arm rests?
John: Whoopie cushion?
Jared: Woopie cushion.
[Smiling evilly, John pokes at the cushion of the chair, then sits in it
to get a "feel" for the article of furniture. Jared, not quite a
veritable paragon of patience, perches on the desk and begins inspecting
the mirror-smooth finish.]
John: Hey, this is pretty comfortable. (lays his arms on the arm rests
and sighs) Veeerrryyy comfortable...
Jared: And this desk has one hell of a polish to it.
[While John enjoys the chair WAY too much, Jared gets up on the desk and
performs an elaborate tap-dance number. What happens next, no-one
expects. A tiny line forms down the center of the desk, then splits,
form dozens of tiny pathways that light up. Two portals on the front of
the desk open up and the business end of two massive jet turbine extend
out a few inches. Jared stops to look at the glowing lines just as the
turbines fire, hurling the desk, with Jared still on the top, out of the
window at over a hundred miles per hour.]
[John, too comfortable to actually get up to see what happened to his
friend, raises an arm and cries out.]
John: Chair! Follow him!
[And amazingly, it does. John, not expecting this either, screams in
alarm as he exits the remains of the window.]
[And the office is silent again.]
----------
[Outside, Jared and John scream bloody murder as their hijacked office
equipment flies down the side of the giant pyramid at much better than
highway speeds.]
Jared: (seeing the lake approach at dangerous speeds) Up! UP YOU PIECE
OF SHIT!
[Some fancy footwork causes the desk to actually go airborne, small
wings sprouting from the side as it lifts Jared skyward on a pillar of
flame. The Chair obligingly follows.]
[Jared dances madly, cursing the creators of DDR as he barely avoids
turning the Desk into a pile of flaming wreckage. After a few wrong
turns, he manages to crash through another window in the pyramid, and
surfs it down one obscenely long hallway, the Chair in hot pursuit.]
----------
[Misato, Ritsuko, and Andy enter a convenient briefing room. The three
have a thin layer of dust on their clothes, their hair is disheveled
(well, the women have disheveled hair, Andy's looks the same as usual),
and all three are panting slightly. One has the impression that they
have missed one hell of a fight.]
[Andy grabs a seat in the audience section, right down in front, before
a small prep table that's currently empty. Ritsuko slams her light sabre
down on one end of the same table. Misato duplicates the motion at the
other end, leaving her gun.]
[Misato pauses to unclasp a few buttons and fans her sweat-spotted bosom
with a free hand while Ritsuko stares at the Goon.]
Andy: (ignoring the Major's display) ...
Ritsuko: What do you want, Mucha?
Andy: A strong opponent, a fitting field of battle, and many satisfying
explosions.
[Ritsuko snorts, steps aside, and taps Misato's hand. The Major does a
spin and bounce into Ritsuko's previous position directly before the
table. She clasps her hands together behind her back and leans forward
to get in Andy's face. By now you all know what kind of effect this has.
Andy, being Andy, ignores the display, even when the Major begins
lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet.]
Misato: (whispering seductively) Then isn't there something else you
would rather be doing right now? (prompting) Boom? Whee?
Andy: (coldly) Sorry, no.
Misato: (voice dripping with sex) Are you suuure...?
Andy: Absolutely. I am doing exactly what I need to do right now.
[Misato drops the act, stands up straight, and exchanges suspicious
glances with the doctor before tagging out.]
Ritsuko: Pilot! Why are you stalling?
Andy: Because I need to.
Ritsuko: (gritting her teeth) Your witness.
[Ritsuko tags out.]
Misato: Where are Waddell and Genoni?
Andy: (smiles menacingly) Out of the way.
[Misato glances at her gun.]
Misato: Is that so?
Andy: Yes it is.
Ritsuko: What happened to John?
Andy: That... is a somewhat complicated question, and one that demands
an exchange of information in this instance.
Misato: Fuck that! What happened to John? Tell us the truth!
Andy: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Misato: (grabs her gun and puts it to Andy's head) God damn it, Mucha!
Ritsuko: Relax, Mis-chan. You walked into that one.
Andy: If you get that gun out of my face, I'll explain.
[Misato puts the gun away and folds her arms over her sizable and
squeezable chest.]
Misato: Humph.
Ritsuko: Tell us what's wrong with John.
Andy: (deadly calm and without any emotion in his voice) His brain
broke.
Ritsuko: Preposterous.
Andy: Is it? John suffered a terrible tragedy many years ago, doctor.
Jared and I found the pieces and decided to pick him, put him back
together. We zapped his brain and over-wrote the missing bits with some
anime we had on hand. He woke up and tried to kill us... (musing) In
retrospect, showing him "X" first was not the best of ideas. (back to
deadly calm) After a few run-throughs, we figured out something that
would work. The John you know is the result of our hard work. He's
restored... but far from perfect. Occasionally something stresses the
imprinted memories. His brain tries to sort things out, to stabilize
itself--
Ritsuko: But because the imprinted memories don't exactly match, he
finds no consistent sense of self and goes into a delusional
dissociative state.
Andy: Exactly. What happened yesterday was a Class 1 failure. Under the
stress of his entire sense of self flying apart, John grasped one
fundamental truth and is hanging onto it with all his might. When the
disassociate state fades, we can re-imprint a handful of patch
memories and all will be well.
Ritsuko: No it won't! You aren't fixing his brain, you're making it...
(eyes widen) What happened?
Andy: I can't tell you.
[Light sabre and gun barrel introduce themselves to Andy's skull.]
Andy: I mean I literally can't tell you!
Ritsuko: WHY NOT?!!
Andy: (panicking) I can't tell you that either. You can kill me now or I
can say a few words and die before you hear the whole thing! Those are
your choices!
[Misato and Ritsuko seriously consider forcing a few words out of him
anyway, but finally relent.]
[Andy rubs his forehead, where there may now be bruises and burns.]
Andy: Quid pro quo, doctor.
Ritsuko: Don't even think about it.
Andy: Quid pro quo.
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: You're spending the night in the brig. I don't care what--
Ritsuko: What do you want to know?
Misato: Doctor!
Andy: (mimics Gendo's pose, lens flash thingy and all, despite the fact
he's not wearing glasses) Tell me about the new Jet Alone test. Just a
good run-down. I find our intel rather... lacking in that area.
Misato: I want to know--
Andy: You want to know anything else, you can go interrogate Jared. I'm
sure your talents can wrest... information from his tongue.
Misato: (furious; starts towards Andy) You son of a bitch.
[Ritsuko holds out an arm to stop her companion.]
Ritsuko: Calm down, Major.
[Misato turns away and tries to reign in her temper.]
Ritsuko: (to Andy) There's really nothing to tell about the Jet-Alone
MkII test. Unlike the last test, we have virtually no information about
the MkII. All we know is the government is willing to give Mishima Heavy
Industries a second go after the disaster you and your friends have made
out of the city.
Andy: Nothing else?
Ritsuko: (spits the word out) Nothing. Happy?
Andy: (gets up, heads for the door) Estatic. Now, I have to go be
Responsible and stuff.
Misato: (still not looking at Andy) Mucha, how come you're doing this
and not Jared?
Andy: Whenever John's brain breaks, the next time we encounter one
another, we count to three, and the first one to say "not it" doesn't
have to be the Responsible One. Didn't you have a normal chil--oh, never
mind.
Misato: < 0_0; > ...
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: (at the door) Look, there's nothing wrong with John--I mean,
there's nothing to worry about. Jared will keep him from crossing paths
with anyone dangerous, and John will drag Jared down enough that nothing
important will get blown up. By this time tomorrow he'll be right as
rain. Nothing to worry about, no sir. Not one little--
[As Andy opens the door, something chrome and flame colored streaks
past, sounding like nothing so much as a jet fighter. Before anyone
spits out so much as a single word, a mostly brown blur follows the
first.]
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: (blinks) That was John! And Jared! What the--who--they--the
Desk! The CHAIR! ANDY!!!
Andy: Uh... Ninja Vanish!
[Click.]
[This is followed by the sound of the door closing, then a string of
curses as the women struggle to follow him. After cutting the door
apart, the step into the smoke-filled hallway and take careful note of
the absence of one Andy Mucha. Screams of joy or fear belonging to Jared
and John echo around a corner and down the hallway to them.]
Ritsuko: (into her mini-MAGI) Security! They have the Desk!
[Without waiting for a response, Ritsuko dashes down the hallway at a
speed no human should be able to manage. Misato opts to take the nearest
elevator, screaming orders at the bridge crew through her own
mini-MAGI.]
----------
[Several levels deeper into the complex, Andy appears, holding two
fingers to his forehead. At the far end of a disturbingly long hallway,
the light of a rapidly-approaching rocket-powered desk can be seen.]
Andy: RED LIGHT!!!
[A few seconds later, the desk obediently comes to a smooth halt... one
inch from Andy. Jared stands on the desk top, still posed like a surfer
catching the big one.]
Jared: (smiling weakly) Heh. Fancy meeting you here.
John: (pulling up in the Chair) Dude! ... Who are you?
Andy: Look. Guys. I... I... What the hell did you do?! Where has NERV
been hiding these things?!
Jared: We, uh, found them in Gendo's office.
Andy: < -_- > You were booby-trapping Gendo's office?
Jared: (mock indignation) I said nothing of the sort!
Andy: But you were, weren't you?
Jared: (proudly) Of course!
Andy: (looks speculatively at the Desk) Well... I think you'd better
return those. The female-things seems pretty upset that you guys had
them.
John: (smiling in a perfectly "Gendo" fashion) But this chair is very...
comfortable.
[Andy and Jared shiver.]
Andy: Get him out of that Chair.
Jared: No problem.
[Jared turns around, still standing on the Desk, and tries not to look
menacing. The massive nagita he suddenly holds in one hand does not help
to convey the feelings of peace and safety he's attempting to project
with a smile that a man in a coma could identify as fake.]
Jared: ("smiling") John? Could you come here for a moment?
John: ...
[The Chair backs away an inch. Jared crouches slightly, as if to jump.
After a lengthy stare-down, the Chair rolls back another inch as John
starts looking rather scared. His eyes shift to look over his shoulder
for a split-second. Jared tenses. The Chair bolts. Jared gives a yell
and the Desk is suddenly belching flame in hot pursuit.]
[Andy coughs out a tiny cloud of smoke, his face and most of his body
covered in soot.]
Andy: Morons.
[He IT's to the far end of the hallway and waits as the Chair comes a
stop in front of them. Jared halts the Desk a few dozen feet back, still
poised to attack.]
Andy: John?
John: (non-chalant) Hm?
Andy: Could you get out of the Chair, please?
John: No.
Andy: Get out of the Chair, PLEASE.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now. Please.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of that Chair!
John: No.
Andy: God DAMN IT! (leans to the side to look around John and glare at
Jared) QUIT LAUGHING OR HELP ME! (glares at John) OUT! NOW!
John: Never!
Andy: YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!
[Andy rears back and throws a punch capable of shattering concrete.
John's face would never have a chance, except the Chair leans back at
the last second, causing Andy to overextend. The foot-rest, an odd
accessory for an office Chair, swings up with enough force to knock
Andy's legs out from under him. With a grunt, Andy draws on his ki to
float rather than fall, and throws another punch. The Chair spins three
hundred and sixty degrees, the reclined back catching Andy full in the
side and slamming him into the wall. It then zooms down the hallway,
turning the distant corner with incredible speed.]
[Jared stops next to Andy.]
Jared: Dude, you just got your ass handed to by a guy sitting in a
chair.
Andy: That wasn't any chair! That was THE Chair! Chair Prime, God of all
chairs, their Lord and Master. The Template from which all other chairs
are wrought! Now after him, you idiot!
----------
[Several minutes later, on the surface, Jared and John rocket out of an
access hatch and into the geofront proper. A small contingent of NERV
Security follows with a few Stinger missile launchers. Now out of the
confines of the base, they set up and begin shooting at the Desk and
Chair dog-fighting in the air. The first missile misses Jared only
narrowly, and both of the Goons cease fighting one another and charge
the soldiers. Once on the ground and too close for the Stinger to be
effective, the Goons make quick work of the security forces. Jared has
ditched his sword, and swings the Desk around him like the biggest pair
of nunchuku ever. John uses his own bizarre Chair-Fu to lay the soldiers
flat, avoiding bullets, stun batons, Tasers, as well as more mundane
fists and feet.]
[The battle is quickly over, and Jared leans against his Desk, looking
as cocky as ever. John sits next to him, cracking his neck as if
anticipating another round.]
Jared: Well played?
John: Well played.
Jared: (looks forlornly at the Desk) Think we should keep 'em?
John: Hey, (pats the arm rest like a beloved pet) I'm not letting this
thing go waste on that withered old coot.
Jared: Agreed. Plus, we already pranked his office. Man, I would NOT
want to go in there. I almost feel sorry for the janitorial staff.
John: Did you see the dust in there? I don't think the janitorial staff
even knows where that office is.
[Jared shrugs in agreement. The two share a moment of silence.]
Jared: Well, you hungry?
John: I'm famished.
Jared: (reaches for an arm rest) Well, you'll have to get out of that--
[John hisses like a xenomorph. Jared jerks his hand back.]
Jared: O-or not.
----------
[The Command Center.]
Misato: (screaming directly into Makoto's ear) What do you mean, "it
vanished?"
Matoko: It's gone, ma'am! No trace! None of the tracking devices are on
my scope!
Andy: I keep telling you, Jared knows his way around electronics. By now
they're long gone and the Chair and Desk are hidden where even they
won't find them.
Ritsuko: (threatening tone) You'd better hope so.
Andy: What the hell is so important about Gendo's furniture?! Have you
people all gone mad?! (quickly) Don't answer that!
[Andy puts two fingers to his forehead, and vanishes.]
Misato: Doctor. Your office.
[Without a word, Ritsuko turns on her heel and stalks out of the Command
Center, Misato in tow.]
----------
[Ritsuko's office. Doctor and Major burst through the door, the traps
disarmed mere seconds ago. Misato screams a few choice obscenities while
Ritsuko takes a few extra seconds reacquainting herself with her new
desk.]
Ritsuko: (musing over the desk) The craftsmanship has improved.
Misato: Why can't they just tell us the truth for once?
Ritsuko: (finally makes eye contact with the Major) I believe... some of
what Mucha said.
Misato: But he's crazy. And the rest of that... speech? It's like he's
implying that he and Jared have also had their brains overwritten with
anime, and I should be asking why or by whom, but that's just going to
lead us down a slippery slope into a burrito of an enigma, or something!
Ritsuko: Mis-chan, you've been hanging around Andy too much.
Misato: (dramatically) Ergo, he has to be lying!
Ritsuko: In the short term, nothing he has to say changes anything. You
know that I'll let you know if it does.
Misato: ... (sighs) All right. I'm going to go do some very boring
paperwork for a while. Don't let Mucha come near me, okay?
Ritsuko: (sympathetic chuckle) Deal.
[Misato leaves with a wave.]
----------
[Some time later, in the Goons' apartment. John and Jared enter, dressed
in their usual duds. Jared spies several cardboard boxes while John
produces a cardboard sword and begins going through what appear to be
light sabre kata. Jared rips the boxes open and pulls out a very nice
leather jacket with a large yellow smiley face on the back. the words
"BOOM." and Whee!" are set above and below the face, respectively.]
Jared: Sweet! Our bomber jackets have arrived!
John: (bounding over) Yay! What are these?
Jared: They came with our contract.
John: Contract?
Jared: Yeah.
[He grabs the other jackets. For him there's a pinup girl clad in
lingerie that's almost illegal and striking a pose that most certainly
is. John's features an excellent rendition of a house of cards. Not very
exciting perhaps, but laden with deep meaning. The Goons look at the
coats for a minute, then Jared goes down the hall for a moment and comes
back with a small lamp. Putting the lamp in the box, he plugs it in and
a golden light shines on his and John's faces. They revel in the coats
for several more minutes while singing--well, "maiming" is more
accurate--an angelic chorus. Then a knock sounds at the door.]
Jared: (opening the door) It's for you, dude.
John: Not that octopus again.
Jared: < o_0 > ...
[Jared steps aside to reveal Rei. John looks at her blankly.]
John: Why, hello there.
Rei: genoni-oniisan, can we talk?
[The two make their way into John's room. Jared shrugs and leaves for
the roof. After scaring a few commercial airline pilots half to death,
he goes back to the apartment, opening the door just in time to see
Ayanami putting her shoes on.]
Jared: S'up, babe?
Rei: ...
Jared: Oh, the big Ayanami Silent Treatment, huh? (tries a different
track) What'd you guys talk about?
Rei: ...
[The albino rises, fixes Jared with a look, then leaves without a word.]
Jared: What the... on anyone else, that's nothing. (looks at the closed
door) But was she... sad? (normal) Oh well, on to ice cream!
John: (suddenly appearing) Ice cream? Where? I want it! I want it!
----------
[Andy comes into the Goons' apartment, looking haggard. Leaving the
front door wide open, he stops in the middle of the living room and
checks his mini-MAGI. Fifty-eight messages. He shrugs and sets the
computer on the coffee table. Jared, sitting on the couch, watching TV,
doesn't so much as look up.]
Jared: Hey.
Andy: Hey.
[John comes out of the hallway leading to the bathroom and (shudder) the
Goons' bedrooms, and hands Andy a sturdy and well-made leather bomber
jacket.]
Andy: Hell yeah! When'd these come?
Jared: Today.
Andy: What'd they do, raise the calves by hand?
Jared: They better have, I put very specific calf-rearing instructions
into that contract! If somebody deviated from it without a good reason,
they'll be picking out their tombstone by nightfall!
Andy: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: Well, I thought that by raising the cows a certain way, the coats
would be more or less bullet-proof.
Andy: < o_0 > Wouldn't that make them hard to kill?
Jared: You don't know the half of it. There was this fish my dad and I
caught in Texas that was all but bullet-proof, gave me a few ideas...
and that chain saw I had to build... anyway, I left detailed calf-
killing instructions in our contracts too.
[Andy wisely decides it's best not to think about this any longer.]
Andy: I'll... take your word for it. (takes in the smiley-face and his
tag-line on the back) They're really nice.
Jared: Too damn hot to wear 'em, though.
Andy: Yes, sadly. So, ask me about my day.
Jared: How was your day?
Andy: Oh, pretty uneventful. Just some complete MORONS stole a fucking
flying chair and desk with rockets on it... which are apparently some
huge state secret in an organization with a graveyard of bio-mechanical
war machines a thousand meters under the surface and _I_ get bitched out
for--WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLANET?!!
[The phone rings at that moment. That moment specifically being the
"wrong moment," considering Andy's mood. He snatches the cordless off of
the coffee table and scream incoherently at it when he spies the caller
ID. It takes seven rings for his breathing to sound remotely normal.
Steadying himself, Andy answers.]
Andy: Hello? Yes, of course they're here. We're all wearing our
mini-MAGI... No, I have no idea where those--those, _things_ are. Why
the hell do you care?! ... They're not here! ... It's [FURNITURE]!!!
Hello? Hello?!
[Screaming in rage, Andy hurls the phone at the apartment's door, which
is wide open. And standing in the doorway is Shinji.]
[THWAK!]
[The phone makes a nice dent in Shinji's head, also conveniently robbing
the Eva pilot of consciousness. As the limp form of Shinji Ikari falls
to the floor, Andy stops in surprise and stares at the results of his
handiwork.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > You should stop that before you kill somebody important.
Andy: < 0_0 > Why... didn't he... knock?
Jared: < -_- > Because the door is wide open!
Andy: ... Oh. Well. I... guess someone should get him to the hospital.
[Jared starts jumping around like a puppy, his hand raised like an
obedient school boy.]
Jared: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me!
Andy: You're going to grope the nurses there, aren't you?
Jared: (gasps, pulls back in shock) How--how did you know?!
Andy: (sighs) Don't make me answer that. Yes, you can take him to the
hospital. You deal with NERV. I just want to kick back and play video
games. John, you'll be staying here with me.
John: (already loading up a fighting game) Sure. Prepared for your
crushing defeat.
[Andy sighs again as he takes up his controller.]
----------
[The next day, in a random corridor of NERV. Jared and John are having a
heated discussion, with a vast audience hanging on their every word.]
John: Mido-clan Sexcraft is a joke. Miko has absolutely no fighting
ability what-so-ever.
Jared: Take that back!
John: Not a chance! She's so weak, she could be defeated and then
molested by a wet paper sack.
Jared: That was just in that one episode! Besides, you're missing the
point of Sexcraft. It's primary focus is to lull the enemy into a false
sense of confidence and defeat him from the inside by the very act,
namely sex, which they want! Demons lose their consistency and humans...
John: Get tired banging the slut.
Jared: Don't call her that!
John: Why not?! Her job description is to get fucked by tentacle demons
and "evil" ninja multiple times every damn episode. And I say "fucked"
instead of "raped" because the little whore wants it as much as the
demons do.
Jared: She's half-demon, it's in her nature to be a little frisky.
Misato: (through door and barking questions) What's going on here? Why
aren't you all working?
Asuka: (answering for the silent, awestruck crowd) John and Jared have
become partial to tests of intellect--debates if you will--over
completely pointless topics. The goal is to see how long they can argue
without resorting to violence.
Misato: (suspicious) Oh really? What's the topic this time?
Asuka: I'm pointedly ignoring them, but I think they were discussing
whether La Blue Girl is merely tentacle porn or if it also counts as
ninja anime. Jared's arguing for, John's against.
Misato: (thinking) Ignoring them. Right. (out loud) Couldn't it just be
Ninja Tentacle anime?
Asuka: I'm sure most would accept that, but, as I said, they pick
pointless topics.
Misato: So where are they now?
Asuka: (Explanation Mode) Something about while there are ninja in the
anime, the main character must be one to fully count. John's attacking
Miko by denying she's a real ninja. Jared said she is a kunnoichi
because she has the clothes, the moves, and the Cool Factor. John
negated the clothes saying she hardly wears them and when she does they
don't stay on her for more than a minute. So now John's attacking Miko's
skills as a ninja.
Misato: (musing) Ritsuko took the same track when I had to master that
Sexcraft style to save... (realizes she's been heard by her charge)
Asuka: < 0_0;;; > ...
Misato: Never mind! (cough) I thought you were ignoring them.
[Asuka turns and leaves without giving an answer, looking dazed.]
Misato: (walks towards the goons) Guys--
Jared: (roaring) DIE!
John: (roaring) NEVER!
[The two clash like fighting bulls. Chests are butted. Punches are
exchanged. Misato watches in confusion. This fight, though appearing
violent to the un-trained eye, is nothing like the vicious winner-
take-all brawls the Goons have been breaking into at a moment's notice
since their arrival. Absent the usual homicidal intent, the two calm
down after about ten seconds of spirited chest-butting, chuckle, and
walk down the hall with arms thrown over each other's shoulders.]
Misato: Well, that was...weird.
[Well, she _does_ have a way with words.]
----------
[A few minutes later, in the cafeteria, Jared and John find their way to
the food line.]
Jared: Hey, they have Italian for lunch!
John: WHAT? Where? (girlish squeal of fear) Get it away from me!
Jared: (casually, to the Goon hiding behind him) You love Italian. You
_are_ Italian. What's wrong with you?
John: (not listening, eyes zooming around like rabbits on crystal meth)
Spaghetti... spaghetti everywhere... coming to get me... (frightened
yelp; points randomly) Noodles! Noodles!
Jared: < 0_0;;; > Oookaaay...
[Jared steers his friend to a table only occupied by Rei. She's eating
some lasagna, but not having a very easy time of it. Ever try to eat
lasagna with chopsticks? Well, give it a try sometime and you'll know
what I mean.]
Jared: Rei. S'up.
Rei: word. what up, dog?
[At hearing Rei, John seems to snap out of his funk and looks around,
confused.]
Jared: Not much, girl. (to John) Wha'sup, homie?
John: (to Jared) S'up, ese. (to Rei) Hey girl.
[Rei blinks and looks at John. John blinks and looks at Rei. Rei blinks
again and looks at Jared. John does the same. Jared blinks slowly and
looks at John and Rei. John and Jared sit down.]
John: (at a loss for words) What...
Jared: I've been teaching Rei ebonics.
John: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: (shrugs) Well, I keep talking to her, and that flat monotone is
getting kind of annoying...and hell, there's no black people around here
to get offended.
John: (pats Jared on the shoulder consolingly) That's okay. I'll be
offended for you.
Jared: (tears in his eyes) Really?
John: Yeah man, I will.
Jared: (hugging John and sobbing) I... I love you man!
John: (pushing away Jared) Okay, but you're not getting my rolls.
[John nabs two small rolls from the basket on the table, Forces a pair
of forks from the lunch line, stabs them into the rolls, and does that
dancing boots scene that Charlie Chaplin made famous. Jared watches part
of it, then turns his attention to Rei.]
Jared: Hey Rei, there's some important things I've been meaning to tell
you.
[Rei might be paying attention. She might have waved him to go ahead, or
maybe she was just wiping her mouth with extra flourish. Her eyes may
have flickered to John for a second, but with someone so subtle, it's
hard to tell, all right! Now quit badgering me!]
Jared: The Truth, you understand.
John: What?! What is this Truth you speak of Waddell?!
Jared: You were born in a tank several hundred floors below us. You're a
clone of Shinji's mom.
John: (despite the fact he explained this to her two episodes ago) Don't
tell her that!
Jared: And the world is made of cheese.
John: Be quiet, you!
Jared: (grinning manically) It's not round, either! It's shaped like a
burrito!
[No one is ever going to get that reference.]
[John tosses away the bread roll shoes, grabs a nearby baguette, and
attacks Jared with it. The goons crash to the floor. For a moment, Rei
can't see anything, then John's head and shoulders come into view. Fury
is written on his face. He raises the bread like a knife and stabs down
(presumably) at Jared.]
[Hello? "Perfect Blue?" Anyone?]
[A spurt of red liquid flies into the air. A twisted grin spreading
across his face, John repeats the violent, two-handed stabbing motion
several more times, a geyser of red spraying into the air with every
stab.]
[Ignoring the stares of the other employees (most of whom now try to
ignore what the Goons are doing all of the time), Rei dips a finger into
a puddle of this crimson liquid where it landed on the table, and tastes
it.]
Rei: not bad.
[Panning over the table, we see Jared on the floor holding a bowl of
marinara sauce over his chest, though most of the sauce is on his
clothes, the floor, and the bread that John is still holding.]
Jared: < 0_0 > Are you done?
John: (slightly dazed) I, uh...do it.
Jared: Or something. You want a ride?
[John jumps off the other Goon as if he were just sitting on a frying
pan, but helps Jared to his feet. The bread and bowl of marinara sauce
are set aside, and the Goons re-seat themselves at Rei's table.]
Jared: So, Rei, how's life?
Rei: it is all right.
Jared: Now that I've guided you into a more casual subject with Ninja
conversation skills, how far have you gone?
[No one is going to get that reference either.]
Rei: gone where?
Jared: You know, first base... second base? How far have you gone?
Rei: (thinks for a second before answering) i do not play baseball.
Jared: Really? What about our day of fun?
[A moment passes.]
Rei: who are you?
[Jared sighs. John looks to him, then to Rei when she speaks.]
Jared: I'm a Goon. What else is there to know?
Rei: i want to know.
Jared: Er...stuff. Look, I'm just not all that great at putting this
into a story or something.
[Several people cough into their hands, sounding suspicious like a
certain word...]
Rei: tell me what you know.
[John is now following the conversation as one would a tennis ball at
Wimbledon.]
Jared: I don't want to. There's nothing about me you could possibly want
to know.
Rei: can i not be the judge of that?
Jared: ... Look, you're fourteen--er, eight... seven? Zero? Heck, you're
a clone, why do you care?
Rei: i just want to know who you are.
Jared: AAAAAARRRRGGGG!
[John gets up and leaves.]
Jared: _Why_ do you care? What are you _getting_ at?!
Rei: you are perverted and violent. your character will explain why.
Jared: This is crazy. You've been hanging around John too much.
Rei: and you are avoiding my question.
Jared: You don't even have the literary capacity to understand that
question! (starts looking for John and misses the tiniest frown directed
at him) Where'd he go?
----------
[Apartment... well, you know the place. Seventh floor, right past the
wards and straight on until your mind crawls out of your skull and runs
away screaming.]
[Inside, we see that Jared and Andy have appropriated a Laz-E-Boy chair,
some rope, and made excellent use of both on John. Beethoven's 9th plays
softly through the Stereo System From HELL.]
[If you don't know what we're spoofing, STOP NOW and go watch "A
Clockwork Orange." There will be a test.]
Jared: Okay, I've got him strapped into the chair. You got the anime?
Andy: (reading off the video cases stacked in one arm) Ruroni Kenshin
OAV, Technolyze, Getter Robo: Armageddon, I Wish You Were Here, Fist of
the North Star, Spriggan...what?
Jared: No, no, maybe, nope, over my dead body, and no.
Andy: (looks at the last video) Love Hina?
Jared: (thinking look; shrugs) Should work out okay. Gimmie a few
episodes of Getter Robo and hand me that A-ko tape.
Andy: Here's some Goldenboy we have left over from last time.
Jared: Excellent. Let's get started.
----------
[Cut to later. We see a close-up of John's face, twisted by a savage
grin, his eyes still completely obscured by the glare off of his
glasses. He slowly sips a tall glass of milk while the camera pulls back
very slowly.]
[See?!]
{Make this spoof closer to the original movie. Similar tone and pacing.
This will require me watching the movie.}
John: (vaguely British accent) Well, after we took out the bank robbers
and crazy-girl was locked up, we used their mecha to defend the earth
against alien invaders. Everything got blown up anyway. Then I had to
take my college entrance exams. Surprisingly, I failed them, but I had a
giant mecha, so I couldn't complain. And after that I went on the road
in search of knowledge!
[By now the view shows that we're still in the apartment and Andy and
Jared have been listening raptly to John recant his "life story."]
["Story" indeed.]
Jared: (claps hands together happily) That was great! We should write
that combination down...
Andy: (grumpy) I still say we should have added some Fist of the North
Star.
Jared: Well, (pulls out a crowbar) time to make this sound plausible!
----------
-TbC...
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To Insanity, and beyond!
----------
[The recovery room, some hours later. The door opens to admit the three
stooges--Toji, Kensuke, and Shinji. Jared spies them, his calm, watching
stare freezing them in their tracks. Then the moment passes and the four
greet each other in the tradition of insecure heterosexual males
everywhere.]
Toji: Hey.
Jared: Hey.
Kensuke: 'Sup.
Shinji: Hey. How are you doing?
Jared: Fine, fine. How are things on the outside?
Shinji: Boring. We've been sitting in the staging rooms since yesterday.
Toji: We... we were worried about you, man.
Jared: No you weren't. (looks at Toji) You're upset that I taught you to
sing, aren't you?
Shinji: We aren't supposed to sing during an alert!
Kensuke: Singing? What?
Shinji: Eh, Jared taught Toji to do something we're prohibited from--
Jared: (raises a finger) Read the manual, Shinji. It is _not_
prohibited, just... frowned upon. You silly Japanese... is Asuka still
upset at me?
Shinji: (glowering) About what, specifically?
Jared: Um... never mind. (begins whistling "Fly me to the Moon")
Toji: We shoulda brought a card or something.
Kensuke: Or one of those hand grenade lighters.
Jared: (looking at Kensuke) You aren't going to train with Andy. Ever.
[He looks at the ceiling. The pilots look at the ceiling. For a moment
all four admire the hastily tacked-up poster of a naked and very well-
endowed woman giving a lascivious "come hither" gesture to all who look
at her.]
Toji: (slight blush) What is it with you and girls?
Jared: Throughout history, women have been oppressed, treated as sex
objects, sacrifices, and slaves. The oldest profession is prostitution
for crying out loud! I admire woman for her strength, for her persever-
ance, for her forgiving nature, for carrying children, and for enduring
the fire and the sword! Woman _deserves_ to be free, to be worshiped!
She is the hearth, the home, and the sheath for man! (crosses himself) I
lay in humble awe of woman, and dedicate myself to treating the fairer
sex in the manner they truly deserve, not pillage their rights to
satisfy my base urges.
Toji: And yet, helping them just has to involve tons of sex, right?
Jared: (first genuine smile of the day) Who am I to complain if being
such a great guy just goes along with engaging in the natural and common
practice of procreation?
[All four look serious and nod gravely for all of three seconds, then
burst out laughing.]
----------
[A short while after Suzuhara and Ikari leave, Rei enters Jared's
hospital room.]
Jared: Oi. I really don't feel up a quickie right now, Rei-chan.
Rei: ...
Jared: My hands are doing fine, though.
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: Did you want something?
Rei: are you all right?
Jared: < o_0; > I'm...okay. How are you?
Rei: i am fine.
Jared: (lets out a whistle while eying her appreciatively) Yes you are.
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
[Rei turns to leave.]
Jared: Rei?
Rei: hai?
Jared: Can you do me a favor?
Rei: ...
Jared: Give Asuka a big kiss with lots of tongue. Please? I'll pay you
if you can video tape it!
[Rei opens the door and steps into the hallway.]
Rei: i'll think about it.
[Then the door closes.]
Jared: (to himself) Aren't you a ray of sunshine today?
----------
[Public Service Announcement 3: Back from the Dead.]
Author-Jared: (holding up a... moldy black book?) Behold, the Tome of
Lost Ideas!
Author-John: (worried) What are you going to do with that?
Author-Andy: Don't open it, you'll kill us all!
Author-Jared: Don't be silly. There's gotta be a good one in here.
[He opens the book, and it is ripe.]
Author-Andy: Eew!
Author-John: Jared, they're dead! They're gone! You can't bring them
back!
Author-Jared: (insane cult leader voice) Can't I?
[Freeze frame, a chibi-Andy walks into the scene.]
Chibi-Andy: Let dead ideas rest in peace.
----------
[Hours later, Andy walks through the door to Jared's hospital room.]
Jared: Not it.
Andy: What?
Jared: I can tell just by the look on your face.
Andy: Don't start with me. I need to know--Not--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --it! Damn you Waddell! (cracking) That's not fair! Three two
one--
Jared: Not it!
Andy: --Not it! ... GOD DAMN IT!!! You always call not it first!
Jared: (shrugs) What else did you come here for?
Andy: (snarling) The 12th.
Jared: (thoughtful) Everyone's been sooo curious about that lately.
(pulls down his hospital gown a bit to reveal a surprisingly hairy chest
and speaks in a voice dripping seduction) Isn't there something else
you'd like to talk about?
[Andy looks ready to burst an aorta. He stops and takes a few calming
breaths. Jared waits patiently.]
Andy: So. What happened inside?
Jared: (lighting his face from below with a flashlight and speaking in a
spooky voice) It was a living hell...
Andy: Oh? Well forget I asked, then.
Jared: But... but... I had a flashback all prepared!
Andy: (checks his Mini-MAGI) Well, the next scene's not due up for
another thirty seconds. What have you got?
Jared: It's only one cut.
[Andy gestures "go ahead."]
----------
[Flashback.]
[Jared is facing himself. Nothing unusual, at least in Eva.]
Jared: What the fuck? I'm in one of those Abstract Eva Mind thingies,
aren't I?
Jared: Yes you are.
Jared: I'm here to question my existence or some shit?
Jared: That's my job, actually.
Jared: Fuck that noise. (short pause) I've always wanted to do this.
Jared: Well, go for it. It's your time after all.
[Two two point at each other excitedly.]
Jared: You da man!
Jared: No, you da man!
Jared: No, _you_ da man!
[End Flashback (THANK THE MOTHER FUCKING LORD!).]
----------
Andy: (clawing at the door) LeT mE OuT!!!
Jared: Hey, I want to know what happened to John!
[Andy stops and looks even more shaken than before.]
Andy: ... Didn't you heard his brain break?
Jared: No. Did it snap like a twig under an elephant's hoof?
Andy: Elephants don't have hooves, do they?
Jared: I suppose parties sufficiently interested can find that out for
themselves.
[Both Goons look pointedly at you for a moment.]
Jared: Anyway, it's the distinctive sound of a dry pretzel being broken
in two with the devil's own pliers in the hands of a soulless ice-cream
man. (sighs) Oh, the memories...
Andy: (nods) That was the sound.
Jared: So, he's reached the preliminary dissociative state?
Andy: It's pretty mild this time. We're looking at a class-1 patch
failure.
Jared: (muses over this for a moment) It sure came on quick. I don't
suppose there's any hint of further disruption in the matrix.
Andy: We're not that unlucky yet, but the 13th could arrive any time.
Jared: I'd like to breathe free air before jumping into the breech
again. What about the Jet-Alone MkII?
Andy: A week away, or something like that. Look, John's our first
priority.
Jared: Okay. What are you thinking?
Andy: I'm thinking a full patch. We'll remain prepared for a Class 6
failure.
Jared: Well, we are in Eva.
Andy: Yes, of course.
----------
[A few doors down the hall, the Goons enter another private room. John
is strapped to a bed, humming the Imperial March from Star Wars.]
Andy: John, what day is it?
John: Candy! (short pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
[Andy and Jared exchange knowing looks.]
Jared: < ^_^ > I can fix him. I have the technology!
[In a flash, Jared is wearing a surgical gown and holding a shaving
razor in one hand and a bone saw in the other. He walks over to John,
joined by a tall nurse who leans over John to tuck in the sheet covering
him, flashing a foot of cleavage in the process. Jared revs the bone saw
with enthusiasm.]
Andy: < -_- > No. Let me flash him. You snap him out of it. He'll be
docile, easy to lead, just like last time. Avoid anyone important or
dangerous and get him to the apartment. I'll run interference and get
the anime lined up for "reprogramming."
Jared: (back his "normal" clothes, playfully slaps the nurse's ass as
she leaves) How long do you think the patch will hold?
Andy: No way to tell for certain.
Jared: (serious in a way he hasn't been... well, since the beginning of
this series) Andy, you'll have to keep the womenfolk away. You know what
kind of trouble they'll stir up.
Andy: I know.
Jared: (grabs Andy's arm, eyes flash threateningly) Andy. You will _not_
tell them what happened. Not a word of it.
Andy: (gulps) Not a word.
Jared: All right. (lets go of Andy) Flash him.
Andy: (pulls out the neurolizer) Cover your eyes.
[Flash.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Outside of John's room, Andy puts the neurolizer away, checks his
Mini-MAGI, and quickly teleports to a hallway nearly a mile away.]
Andy: (appearing in front of Misato and Ritsuko on their way to Hospital
#2) LOOK, A FLYING PIG!!!
[The NERV officers walk past him, talking amongst themselves.]
Andy: (thinking the painfully obvious) That's not going to distract
them. I must... strategize.
[Andy fires a ki blast down the hallway, detonating it a dozen yards
past the women.]
Ritsuko: What the hell was that for?!
Misato: You nearly killed us!
Andy: (assumes a running pose) It's time to play "follow the mad
mecha..."
[But Ritsuko and Misato have already ducked through a side door.]
Andy: (idly) Usually it's the background extras that run away from me.
And usually, they're screaming. (sets himself) I can't believe I'm going
to chase women for those bastards...
----------
[Jared sits on the only chair in John's room. John's reciting verses
from the Necronomicon in the original Sanskrit. But Jared isn't really
paying attention, even when one of the incantations catches his hair on
fire. No, his attention is turned inward, to the past, to the past he
related to Ritsuko, to when he wasn't there for John because...]
Jared: (thinking) I just have to get him to the apartment. He's _my_
responsibility. I just need him moving... I need to snap him out of
it...
Melanie: (VO from memory) You have what it takes...
Jared: (sighs, then sets himself) Look! Rit-chan naked!
[No response. Jared whips off his shoes and grabs a few supplies from
the room's cabinet and begins juggling them. Well, he throws them into
the air with great flourish, anyway. The NERV orchestra tosses off a few
bars from the Sabre Dance.]
Jared: (bowing and smiling, even as the objects pelt the back of his
head) Eh? Eh? EH?!
[No response.]
[Jared pulls up a curtain for a few seconds. When it drops, he's dressed
in a tutu. The NERV Orchestra begins a fast-paced Can-Can tune that
Jared dances to for a moment.]
[No response.]
[Jared attempts shadow puppets on John's prone form, using a nearby
floor lamp.]
[Nothing.]
[But Jared doesn't give up easily. He tries tickling the Goon, pushing
his bed around, reading literature to him, doing a solo of "The Pirates
of Penzance," throwing daggers at the bed and wall around him, shooting
apples from his head with arrows, and holding a rich chocolate and
strawberry sundae under his nose.]
[Jared stops to ponder his next move, but after finishing the sundae,
whatever evil machinations were brewing within his "brain" are rendered
irrelevant. When he's making to leave for a few shaving razors and a
bucket of warm water, John finally wakes up.]
John: (as if just realizing this) I know C++.
Jared: (horrified) Show me.
[John whips a pen out of...somewhere, and draws something on his sheets.
Jared reads it, runs to the wastebasket and becomes violently sick.]
Jared: (wiping his mouth) Only object-oriented code can make me that
nauseous. Okay, that proves you know C++. How do you feel?
John: Purple.
Jared: I go through all this trouble to wake you up and you say
"purple?!"
John: You were trying to wake me up?
Jared: (dramatic wounded collapse to floor) My genius is wasted on you!
John: (also dramatic) Your genius is wasted on everybody!
Jared: (more drama) You wound me!
John: (matching drama) I have not yet begun to wound you!
Jared: (normal) So what's up?
John: < ^_^ > Slide.
Jared: Do you have anything to add?
John: Pickle.
Jared: < o_o; > ... Is that your final answer?
John: Hmmm... what is the State of Mississippi?
Jared: Do you know where you are?
John: (with great confidence and enthusiasm) FISH! (then somewhat
confused) La Grange point alpha?
[Jared checks the room, then John's chart, apparently to see if any
amount of a certain drug has been recently administered to the Goon. It
seems that none has, for Jared finally sighs a Great Sigh.]
John: Are we done?
Jared: Do remember what happened before you got knocked out?
John: (thinks hard for a minute) Is this a trick question?
Jared: (out loud) Well, at least no one will ask stupid questions while
I keep him occupied.
[Jared un-straps his friend and they make for the door.]
John: (at the two leave the room) I like your hairdo.
Jared: (shocked, feeling his flaming mop) I HAVE HAIR?!!
----------
[Meanwhile, down the hallway and around a few corners, Misato and
Ritsuko run as if pursued by the devil, only their pursuer is much, much
worse.]
Misato: (outright panic) He still hasn't said boom whee!
Ritsuko: (outright panic) Has the world gone mad?!!
[Andy drops into the hallway from a conveniently placed ventilation
grate.]
Andy: (Dark Helmet style) Fooo~uuund you!
[Andy fires a blast into their midst. Misato, acting on instinct,
returns fire.]
Misato: Hadouken!
[A minor explosion rocks the corridor.]
Andy: (covered in dust, but otherwise unharmed) Most impressive.
[The Major and scientist are beyond freaked out now. Ritsuko draws her
light sabre, casting eerie rays of red light through the dust, while
Misato quickly does a few stretches.]
Andy: I need to talk to you two for a minute.
[The women draw themselves into threatening fighting stances.]
Andy: (evil smirk) But if you want to play...
Ritsuko: (charging) YAAAA!
Misato: (charging) KIYAAA!
Andy: (charging) TACO!!!
[They fight.]
[It's completely a bad-assed fight, both picturesque and artistic in
ways impossible to describe with mere words. So, I won't.]
----------
[Jared and John stand before an imposing door. A door that has all but
earned it's own chapter in the modern mythology that is Eva... the door
to... Gendo's office.]
John: Did the commander want to see us?
Jared: He's not here right now.
John: We're going to wait for him?
Jared: I mean, he's not in the country.
John: (glasses shine brightly) ... How about we prank the place?
Jared: (holds up various implements one would find in a well-stocked
joke store) Good thing I came prepared.
[Jared makes quick work of the locks while John draws a large diagram
detailing how they will make maximum use out of the various devices
Jared... got from wherever.]
Jared: The props department.
[Yes, thank you, I--]
[A ceiling tile smacks into Jared's head. The Goon leaps back, drawing
into a defensive stance.]
Jared: Watch out! The door frame's booby-trapped.
[John plays him no heed and marches inside with his arms loaded down.]
John: Why are you still standing there, get a move on!
Jared: (saluting) Yes sir!
[The two quickly set up a wide variety of pranks, leaving only the chair
and desk un-touched. After a few minutes of work, the two stand on the
highly modified trap-door, looking critically at the desk and
comfortable chair, throwing ideas back and forth.]
Jared: Spring-loaded ejector seat?
John: Rocket-powered ejector seat?
Jared: Venus flytrap on the desktop?
John: Fishing line around the chair's base?
Jared: Tasers in the arm rests?
John: Whoopie cushion?
Jared: Woopie cushion.
[Smiling evilly, John pokes at the cushion of the chair, then sits in it
to get a "feel" for the article of furniture. Jared, not quite a
veritable paragon of patience, perches on the desk and begins inspecting
the mirror-smooth finish.]
John: Hey, this is pretty comfortable. (lays his arms on the arm rests
and sighs) Veeerrryyy comfortable...
Jared: And this desk has one hell of a polish to it.
[While John enjoys the chair WAY too much, Jared gets up on the desk and
performs an elaborate tap-dance number. What happens next, no-one
expects. A tiny line forms down the center of the desk, then splits,
form dozens of tiny pathways that light up. Two portals on the front of
the desk open up and the business end of two massive jet turbine extend
out a few inches. Jared stops to look at the glowing lines just as the
turbines fire, hurling the desk, with Jared still on the top, out of the
window at over a hundred miles per hour.]
[John, too comfortable to actually get up to see what happened to his
friend, raises an arm and cries out.]
John: Chair! Follow him!
[And amazingly, it does. John, not expecting this either, screams in
alarm as he exits the remains of the window.]
[And the office is silent again.]
----------
[Outside, Jared and John scream bloody murder as their hijacked office
equipment flies down the side of the giant pyramid at much better than
highway speeds.]
Jared: (seeing the lake approach at dangerous speeds) Up! UP YOU PIECE
OF SHIT!
[Some fancy footwork causes the desk to actually go airborne, small
wings sprouting from the side as it lifts Jared skyward on a pillar of
flame. The Chair obligingly follows.]
[Jared dances madly, cursing the creators of DDR as he barely avoids
turning the Desk into a pile of flaming wreckage. After a few wrong
turns, he manages to crash through another window in the pyramid, and
surfs it down one obscenely long hallway, the Chair in hot pursuit.]
----------
[Misato, Ritsuko, and Andy enter a convenient briefing room. The three
have a thin layer of dust on their clothes, their hair is disheveled
(well, the women have disheveled hair, Andy's looks the same as usual),
and all three are panting slightly. One has the impression that they
have missed one hell of a fight.]
[Andy grabs a seat in the audience section, right down in front, before
a small prep table that's currently empty. Ritsuko slams her light sabre
down on one end of the same table. Misato duplicates the motion at the
other end, leaving her gun.]
[Misato pauses to unclasp a few buttons and fans her sweat-spotted bosom
with a free hand while Ritsuko stares at the Goon.]
Andy: (ignoring the Major's display) ...
Ritsuko: What do you want, Mucha?
Andy: A strong opponent, a fitting field of battle, and many satisfying
explosions.
[Ritsuko snorts, steps aside, and taps Misato's hand. The Major does a
spin and bounce into Ritsuko's previous position directly before the
table. She clasps her hands together behind her back and leans forward
to get in Andy's face. By now you all know what kind of effect this has.
Andy, being Andy, ignores the display, even when the Major begins
lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet.]
Misato: (whispering seductively) Then isn't there something else you
would rather be doing right now? (prompting) Boom? Whee?
Andy: (coldly) Sorry, no.
Misato: (voice dripping with sex) Are you suuure...?
Andy: Absolutely. I am doing exactly what I need to do right now.
[Misato drops the act, stands up straight, and exchanges suspicious
glances with the doctor before tagging out.]
Ritsuko: Pilot! Why are you stalling?
Andy: Because I need to.
Ritsuko: (gritting her teeth) Your witness.
[Ritsuko tags out.]
Misato: Where are Waddell and Genoni?
Andy: (smiles menacingly) Out of the way.
[Misato glances at her gun.]
Misato: Is that so?
Andy: Yes it is.
Ritsuko: What happened to John?
Andy: That... is a somewhat complicated question, and one that demands
an exchange of information in this instance.
Misato: Fuck that! What happened to John? Tell us the truth!
Andy: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Misato: (grabs her gun and puts it to Andy's head) God damn it, Mucha!
Ritsuko: Relax, Mis-chan. You walked into that one.
Andy: If you get that gun out of my face, I'll explain.
[Misato puts the gun away and folds her arms over her sizable and
squeezable chest.]
Misato: Humph.
Ritsuko: Tell us what's wrong with John.
Andy: (deadly calm and without any emotion in his voice) His brain
broke.
Ritsuko: Preposterous.
Andy: Is it? John suffered a terrible tragedy many years ago, doctor.
Jared and I found the pieces and decided to pick him, put him back
together. We zapped his brain and over-wrote the missing bits with some
anime we had on hand. He woke up and tried to kill us... (musing) In
retrospect, showing him "X" first was not the best of ideas. (back to
deadly calm) After a few run-throughs, we figured out something that
would work. The John you know is the result of our hard work. He's
restored... but far from perfect. Occasionally something stresses the
imprinted memories. His brain tries to sort things out, to stabilize
itself--
Ritsuko: But because the imprinted memories don't exactly match, he
finds no consistent sense of self and goes into a delusional
dissociative state.
Andy: Exactly. What happened yesterday was a Class 1 failure. Under the
stress of his entire sense of self flying apart, John grasped one
fundamental truth and is hanging onto it with all his might. When the
disassociate state fades, we can re-imprint a handful of patch
memories and all will be well.
Ritsuko: No it won't! You aren't fixing his brain, you're making it...
(eyes widen) What happened?
Andy: I can't tell you.
[Light sabre and gun barrel introduce themselves to Andy's skull.]
Andy: I mean I literally can't tell you!
Ritsuko: WHY NOT?!!
Andy: (panicking) I can't tell you that either. You can kill me now or I
can say a few words and die before you hear the whole thing! Those are
your choices!
[Misato and Ritsuko seriously consider forcing a few words out of him
anyway, but finally relent.]
[Andy rubs his forehead, where there may now be bruises and burns.]
Andy: Quid pro quo, doctor.
Ritsuko: Don't even think about it.
Andy: Quid pro quo.
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: You're spending the night in the brig. I don't care what--
Ritsuko: What do you want to know?
Misato: Doctor!
Andy: (mimics Gendo's pose, lens flash thingy and all, despite the fact
he's not wearing glasses) Tell me about the new Jet Alone test. Just a
good run-down. I find our intel rather... lacking in that area.
Misato: I want to know--
Andy: You want to know anything else, you can go interrogate Jared. I'm
sure your talents can wrest... information from his tongue.
Misato: (furious; starts towards Andy) You son of a bitch.
[Ritsuko holds out an arm to stop her companion.]
Ritsuko: Calm down, Major.
[Misato turns away and tries to reign in her temper.]
Ritsuko: (to Andy) There's really nothing to tell about the Jet-Alone
MkII test. Unlike the last test, we have virtually no information about
the MkII. All we know is the government is willing to give Mishima Heavy
Industries a second go after the disaster you and your friends have made
out of the city.
Andy: Nothing else?
Ritsuko: (spits the word out) Nothing. Happy?
Andy: (gets up, heads for the door) Estatic. Now, I have to go be
Responsible and stuff.
Misato: (still not looking at Andy) Mucha, how come you're doing this
and not Jared?
Andy: Whenever John's brain breaks, the next time we encounter one
another, we count to three, and the first one to say "not it" doesn't
have to be the Responsible One. Didn't you have a normal chil--oh, never
mind.
Misato: < 0_0; > ...
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: (at the door) Look, there's nothing wrong with John--I mean,
there's nothing to worry about. Jared will keep him from crossing paths
with anyone dangerous, and John will drag Jared down enough that nothing
important will get blown up. By this time tomorrow he'll be right as
rain. Nothing to worry about, no sir. Not one little--
[As Andy opens the door, something chrome and flame colored streaks
past, sounding like nothing so much as a jet fighter. Before anyone
spits out so much as a single word, a mostly brown blur follows the
first.]
Ritsuko: ...
Misato: (blinks) That was John! And Jared! What the--who--they--the
Desk! The CHAIR! ANDY!!!
Andy: Uh... Ninja Vanish!
[Click.]
[This is followed by the sound of the door closing, then a string of
curses as the women struggle to follow him. After cutting the door
apart, the step into the smoke-filled hallway and take careful note of
the absence of one Andy Mucha. Screams of joy or fear belonging to Jared
and John echo around a corner and down the hallway to them.]
Ritsuko: (into her mini-MAGI) Security! They have the Desk!
[Without waiting for a response, Ritsuko dashes down the hallway at a
speed no human should be able to manage. Misato opts to take the nearest
elevator, screaming orders at the bridge crew through her own
mini-MAGI.]
----------
[Several levels deeper into the complex, Andy appears, holding two
fingers to his forehead. At the far end of a disturbingly long hallway,
the light of a rapidly-approaching rocket-powered desk can be seen.]
Andy: RED LIGHT!!!
[A few seconds later, the desk obediently comes to a smooth halt... one
inch from Andy. Jared stands on the desk top, still posed like a surfer
catching the big one.]
Jared: (smiling weakly) Heh. Fancy meeting you here.
John: (pulling up in the Chair) Dude! ... Who are you?
Andy: Look. Guys. I... I... What the hell did you do?! Where has NERV
been hiding these things?!
Jared: We, uh, found them in Gendo's office.
Andy: < -_- > You were booby-trapping Gendo's office?
Jared: (mock indignation) I said nothing of the sort!
Andy: But you were, weren't you?
Jared: (proudly) Of course!
Andy: (looks speculatively at the Desk) Well... I think you'd better
return those. The female-things seems pretty upset that you guys had
them.
John: (smiling in a perfectly "Gendo" fashion) But this chair is very...
comfortable.
[Andy and Jared shiver.]
Andy: Get him out of that Chair.
Jared: No problem.
[Jared turns around, still standing on the Desk, and tries not to look
menacing. The massive nagita he suddenly holds in one hand does not help
to convey the feelings of peace and safety he's attempting to project
with a smile that a man in a coma could identify as fake.]
Jared: ("smiling") John? Could you come here for a moment?
John: ...
[The Chair backs away an inch. Jared crouches slightly, as if to jump.
After a lengthy stare-down, the Chair rolls back another inch as John
starts looking rather scared. His eyes shift to look over his shoulder
for a split-second. Jared tenses. The Chair bolts. Jared gives a yell
and the Desk is suddenly belching flame in hot pursuit.]
[Andy coughs out a tiny cloud of smoke, his face and most of his body
covered in soot.]
Andy: Morons.
[He IT's to the far end of the hallway and waits as the Chair comes a
stop in front of them. Jared halts the Desk a few dozen feet back, still
poised to attack.]
Andy: John?
John: (non-chalant) Hm?
Andy: Could you get out of the Chair, please?
John: No.
Andy: Get out of the Chair, PLEASE.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now. Please.
John: No.
Andy: John, get out of that Chair!
John: No.
Andy: God DAMN IT! (leans to the side to look around John and glare at
Jared) QUIT LAUGHING OR HELP ME! (glares at John) OUT! NOW!
John: Never!
Andy: YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!
[Andy rears back and throws a punch capable of shattering concrete.
John's face would never have a chance, except the Chair leans back at
the last second, causing Andy to overextend. The foot-rest, an odd
accessory for an office Chair, swings up with enough force to knock
Andy's legs out from under him. With a grunt, Andy draws on his ki to
float rather than fall, and throws another punch. The Chair spins three
hundred and sixty degrees, the reclined back catching Andy full in the
side and slamming him into the wall. It then zooms down the hallway,
turning the distant corner with incredible speed.]
[Jared stops next to Andy.]
Jared: Dude, you just got your ass handed to by a guy sitting in a
chair.
Andy: That wasn't any chair! That was THE Chair! Chair Prime, God of all
chairs, their Lord and Master. The Template from which all other chairs
are wrought! Now after him, you idiot!
----------
[Several minutes later, on the surface, Jared and John rocket out of an
access hatch and into the geofront proper. A small contingent of NERV
Security follows with a few Stinger missile launchers. Now out of the
confines of the base, they set up and begin shooting at the Desk and
Chair dog-fighting in the air. The first missile misses Jared only
narrowly, and both of the Goons cease fighting one another and charge
the soldiers. Once on the ground and too close for the Stinger to be
effective, the Goons make quick work of the security forces. Jared has
ditched his sword, and swings the Desk around him like the biggest pair
of nunchuku ever. John uses his own bizarre Chair-Fu to lay the soldiers
flat, avoiding bullets, stun batons, Tasers, as well as more mundane
fists and feet.]
[The battle is quickly over, and Jared leans against his Desk, looking
as cocky as ever. John sits next to him, cracking his neck as if
anticipating another round.]
Jared: Well played?
John: Well played.
Jared: (looks forlornly at the Desk) Think we should keep 'em?
John: Hey, (pats the arm rest like a beloved pet) I'm not letting this
thing go waste on that withered old coot.
Jared: Agreed. Plus, we already pranked his office. Man, I would NOT
want to go in there. I almost feel sorry for the janitorial staff.
John: Did you see the dust in there? I don't think the janitorial staff
even knows where that office is.
[Jared shrugs in agreement. The two share a moment of silence.]
Jared: Well, you hungry?
John: I'm famished.
Jared: (reaches for an arm rest) Well, you'll have to get out of that--
[John hisses like a xenomorph. Jared jerks his hand back.]
Jared: O-or not.
----------
[The Command Center.]
Misato: (screaming directly into Makoto's ear) What do you mean, "it
vanished?"
Matoko: It's gone, ma'am! No trace! None of the tracking devices are on
my scope!
Andy: I keep telling you, Jared knows his way around electronics. By now
they're long gone and the Chair and Desk are hidden where even they
won't find them.
Ritsuko: (threatening tone) You'd better hope so.
Andy: What the hell is so important about Gendo's furniture?! Have you
people all gone mad?! (quickly) Don't answer that!
[Andy puts two fingers to his forehead, and vanishes.]
Misato: Doctor. Your office.
[Without a word, Ritsuko turns on her heel and stalks out of the Command
Center, Misato in tow.]
----------
[Ritsuko's office. Doctor and Major burst through the door, the traps
disarmed mere seconds ago. Misato screams a few choice obscenities while
Ritsuko takes a few extra seconds reacquainting herself with her new
desk.]
Ritsuko: (musing over the desk) The craftsmanship has improved.
Misato: Why can't they just tell us the truth for once?
Ritsuko: (finally makes eye contact with the Major) I believe... some of
what Mucha said.
Misato: But he's crazy. And the rest of that... speech? It's like he's
implying that he and Jared have also had their brains overwritten with
anime, and I should be asking why or by whom, but that's just going to
lead us down a slippery slope into a burrito of an enigma, or something!
Ritsuko: Mis-chan, you've been hanging around Andy too much.
Misato: (dramatically) Ergo, he has to be lying!
Ritsuko: In the short term, nothing he has to say changes anything. You
know that I'll let you know if it does.
Misato: ... (sighs) All right. I'm going to go do some very boring
paperwork for a while. Don't let Mucha come near me, okay?
Ritsuko: (sympathetic chuckle) Deal.
[Misato leaves with a wave.]
----------
[Some time later, in the Goons' apartment. John and Jared enter, dressed
in their usual duds. Jared spies several cardboard boxes while John
produces a cardboard sword and begins going through what appear to be
light sabre kata. Jared rips the boxes open and pulls out a very nice
leather jacket with a large yellow smiley face on the back. the words
"BOOM." and Whee!" are set above and below the face, respectively.]
Jared: Sweet! Our bomber jackets have arrived!
John: (bounding over) Yay! What are these?
Jared: They came with our contract.
John: Contract?
Jared: Yeah.
[He grabs the other jackets. For him there's a pinup girl clad in
lingerie that's almost illegal and striking a pose that most certainly
is. John's features an excellent rendition of a house of cards. Not very
exciting perhaps, but laden with deep meaning. The Goons look at the
coats for a minute, then Jared goes down the hall for a moment and comes
back with a small lamp. Putting the lamp in the box, he plugs it in and
a golden light shines on his and John's faces. They revel in the coats
for several more minutes while singing--well, "maiming" is more
accurate--an angelic chorus. Then a knock sounds at the door.]
Jared: (opening the door) It's for you, dude.
John: Not that octopus again.
Jared: < o_0 > ...
[Jared steps aside to reveal Rei. John looks at her blankly.]
John: Why, hello there.
Rei: genoni-oniisan, can we talk?
[The two make their way into John's room. Jared shrugs and leaves for
the roof. After scaring a few commercial airline pilots half to death,
he goes back to the apartment, opening the door just in time to see
Ayanami putting her shoes on.]
Jared: S'up, babe?
Rei: ...
Jared: Oh, the big Ayanami Silent Treatment, huh? (tries a different
track) What'd you guys talk about?
Rei: ...
[The albino rises, fixes Jared with a look, then leaves without a word.]
Jared: What the... on anyone else, that's nothing. (looks at the closed
door) But was she... sad? (normal) Oh well, on to ice cream!
John: (suddenly appearing) Ice cream? Where? I want it! I want it!
----------
[Andy comes into the Goons' apartment, looking haggard. Leaving the
front door wide open, he stops in the middle of the living room and
checks his mini-MAGI. Fifty-eight messages. He shrugs and sets the
computer on the coffee table. Jared, sitting on the couch, watching TV,
doesn't so much as look up.]
Jared: Hey.
Andy: Hey.
[John comes out of the hallway leading to the bathroom and (shudder) the
Goons' bedrooms, and hands Andy a sturdy and well-made leather bomber
jacket.]
Andy: Hell yeah! When'd these come?
Jared: Today.
Andy: What'd they do, raise the calves by hand?
Jared: They better have, I put very specific calf-rearing instructions
into that contract! If somebody deviated from it without a good reason,
they'll be picking out their tombstone by nightfall!
Andy: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: Well, I thought that by raising the cows a certain way, the coats
would be more or less bullet-proof.
Andy: < o_0 > Wouldn't that make them hard to kill?
Jared: You don't know the half of it. There was this fish my dad and I
caught in Texas that was all but bullet-proof, gave me a few ideas...
and that chain saw I had to build... anyway, I left detailed calf-
killing instructions in our contracts too.
[Andy wisely decides it's best not to think about this any longer.]
Andy: I'll... take your word for it. (takes in the smiley-face and his
tag-line on the back) They're really nice.
Jared: Too damn hot to wear 'em, though.
Andy: Yes, sadly. So, ask me about my day.
Jared: How was your day?
Andy: Oh, pretty uneventful. Just some complete MORONS stole a fucking
flying chair and desk with rockets on it... which are apparently some
huge state secret in an organization with a graveyard of bio-mechanical
war machines a thousand meters under the surface and _I_ get bitched out
for--WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLANET?!!
[The phone rings at that moment. That moment specifically being the
"wrong moment," considering Andy's mood. He snatches the cordless off of
the coffee table and scream incoherently at it when he spies the caller
ID. It takes seven rings for his breathing to sound remotely normal.
Steadying himself, Andy answers.]
Andy: Hello? Yes, of course they're here. We're all wearing our
mini-MAGI... No, I have no idea where those--those, _things_ are. Why
the hell do you care?! ... They're not here! ... It's [FURNITURE]!!!
Hello? Hello?!
[Screaming in rage, Andy hurls the phone at the apartment's door, which
is wide open. And standing in the doorway is Shinji.]
[THWAK!]
[The phone makes a nice dent in Shinji's head, also conveniently robbing
the Eva pilot of consciousness. As the limp form of Shinji Ikari falls
to the floor, Andy stops in surprise and stares at the results of his
handiwork.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > You should stop that before you kill somebody important.
Andy: < 0_0 > Why... didn't he... knock?
Jared: < -_- > Because the door is wide open!
Andy: ... Oh. Well. I... guess someone should get him to the hospital.
[Jared starts jumping around like a puppy, his hand raised like an
obedient school boy.]
Jared: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me!
Andy: You're going to grope the nurses there, aren't you?
Jared: (gasps, pulls back in shock) How--how did you know?!
Andy: (sighs) Don't make me answer that. Yes, you can take him to the
hospital. You deal with NERV. I just want to kick back and play video
games. John, you'll be staying here with me.
John: (already loading up a fighting game) Sure. Prepared for your
crushing defeat.
[Andy sighs again as he takes up his controller.]
----------
[The next day, in a random corridor of NERV. Jared and John are having a
heated discussion, with a vast audience hanging on their every word.]
John: Mido-clan Sexcraft is a joke. Miko has absolutely no fighting
ability what-so-ever.
Jared: Take that back!
John: Not a chance! She's so weak, she could be defeated and then
molested by a wet paper sack.
Jared: That was just in that one episode! Besides, you're missing the
point of Sexcraft. It's primary focus is to lull the enemy into a false
sense of confidence and defeat him from the inside by the very act,
namely sex, which they want! Demons lose their consistency and humans...
John: Get tired banging the slut.
Jared: Don't call her that!
John: Why not?! Her job description is to get fucked by tentacle demons
and "evil" ninja multiple times every damn episode. And I say "fucked"
instead of "raped" because the little whore wants it as much as the
demons do.
Jared: She's half-demon, it's in her nature to be a little frisky.
Misato: (through door and barking questions) What's going on here? Why
aren't you all working?
Asuka: (answering for the silent, awestruck crowd) John and Jared have
become partial to tests of intellect--debates if you will--over
completely pointless topics. The goal is to see how long they can argue
without resorting to violence.
Misato: (suspicious) Oh really? What's the topic this time?
Asuka: I'm pointedly ignoring them, but I think they were discussing
whether La Blue Girl is merely tentacle porn or if it also counts as
ninja anime. Jared's arguing for, John's against.
Misato: (thinking) Ignoring them. Right. (out loud) Couldn't it just be
Ninja Tentacle anime?
Asuka: I'm sure most would accept that, but, as I said, they pick
pointless topics.
Misato: So where are they now?
Asuka: (Explanation Mode) Something about while there are ninja in the
anime, the main character must be one to fully count. John's attacking
Miko by denying she's a real ninja. Jared said she is a kunnoichi
because she has the clothes, the moves, and the Cool Factor. John
negated the clothes saying she hardly wears them and when she does they
don't stay on her for more than a minute. So now John's attacking Miko's
skills as a ninja.
Misato: (musing) Ritsuko took the same track when I had to master that
Sexcraft style to save... (realizes she's been heard by her charge)
Asuka: < 0_0;;; > ...
Misato: Never mind! (cough) I thought you were ignoring them.
[Asuka turns and leaves without giving an answer, looking dazed.]
Misato: (walks towards the goons) Guys--
Jared: (roaring) DIE!
John: (roaring) NEVER!
[The two clash like fighting bulls. Chests are butted. Punches are
exchanged. Misato watches in confusion. This fight, though appearing
violent to the un-trained eye, is nothing like the vicious winner-
take-all brawls the Goons have been breaking into at a moment's notice
since their arrival. Absent the usual homicidal intent, the two calm
down after about ten seconds of spirited chest-butting, chuckle, and
walk down the hall with arms thrown over each other's shoulders.]
Misato: Well, that was...weird.
[Well, she _does_ have a way with words.]
----------
[A few minutes later, in the cafeteria, Jared and John find their way to
the food line.]
Jared: Hey, they have Italian for lunch!
John: WHAT? Where? (girlish squeal of fear) Get it away from me!
Jared: (casually, to the Goon hiding behind him) You love Italian. You
_are_ Italian. What's wrong with you?
John: (not listening, eyes zooming around like rabbits on crystal meth)
Spaghetti... spaghetti everywhere... coming to get me... (frightened
yelp; points randomly) Noodles! Noodles!
Jared: < 0_0;;; > Oookaaay...
[Jared steers his friend to a table only occupied by Rei. She's eating
some lasagna, but not having a very easy time of it. Ever try to eat
lasagna with chopsticks? Well, give it a try sometime and you'll know
what I mean.]
Jared: Rei. S'up.
Rei: word. what up, dog?
[At hearing Rei, John seems to snap out of his funk and looks around,
confused.]
Jared: Not much, girl. (to John) Wha'sup, homie?
John: (to Jared) S'up, ese. (to Rei) Hey girl.
[Rei blinks and looks at John. John blinks and looks at Rei. Rei blinks
again and looks at Jared. John does the same. Jared blinks slowly and
looks at John and Rei. John and Jared sit down.]
John: (at a loss for words) What...
Jared: I've been teaching Rei ebonics.
John: < o_0 > Why?
Jared: (shrugs) Well, I keep talking to her, and that flat monotone is
getting kind of annoying...and hell, there's no black people around here
to get offended.
John: (pats Jared on the shoulder consolingly) That's okay. I'll be
offended for you.
Jared: (tears in his eyes) Really?
John: Yeah man, I will.
Jared: (hugging John and sobbing) I... I love you man!
John: (pushing away Jared) Okay, but you're not getting my rolls.
[John nabs two small rolls from the basket on the table, Forces a pair
of forks from the lunch line, stabs them into the rolls, and does that
dancing boots scene that Charlie Chaplin made famous. Jared watches part
of it, then turns his attention to Rei.]
Jared: Hey Rei, there's some important things I've been meaning to tell
you.
[Rei might be paying attention. She might have waved him to go ahead, or
maybe she was just wiping her mouth with extra flourish. Her eyes may
have flickered to John for a second, but with someone so subtle, it's
hard to tell, all right! Now quit badgering me!]
Jared: The Truth, you understand.
John: What?! What is this Truth you speak of Waddell?!
Jared: You were born in a tank several hundred floors below us. You're a
clone of Shinji's mom.
John: (despite the fact he explained this to her two episodes ago) Don't
tell her that!
Jared: And the world is made of cheese.
John: Be quiet, you!
Jared: (grinning manically) It's not round, either! It's shaped like a
burrito!
[No one is ever going to get that reference.]
[John tosses away the bread roll shoes, grabs a nearby baguette, and
attacks Jared with it. The goons crash to the floor. For a moment, Rei
can't see anything, then John's head and shoulders come into view. Fury
is written on his face. He raises the bread like a knife and stabs down
(presumably) at Jared.]
[Hello? "Perfect Blue?" Anyone?]
[A spurt of red liquid flies into the air. A twisted grin spreading
across his face, John repeats the violent, two-handed stabbing motion
several more times, a geyser of red spraying into the air with every
stab.]
[Ignoring the stares of the other employees (most of whom now try to
ignore what the Goons are doing all of the time), Rei dips a finger into
a puddle of this crimson liquid where it landed on the table, and tastes
it.]
Rei: not bad.
[Panning over the table, we see Jared on the floor holding a bowl of
marinara sauce over his chest, though most of the sauce is on his
clothes, the floor, and the bread that John is still holding.]
Jared: < 0_0 > Are you done?
John: (slightly dazed) I, uh...do it.
Jared: Or something. You want a ride?
[John jumps off the other Goon as if he were just sitting on a frying
pan, but helps Jared to his feet. The bread and bowl of marinara sauce
are set aside, and the Goons re-seat themselves at Rei's table.]
Jared: So, Rei, how's life?
Rei: it is all right.
Jared: Now that I've guided you into a more casual subject with Ninja
conversation skills, how far have you gone?
[No one is going to get that reference either.]
Rei: gone where?
Jared: You know, first base... second base? How far have you gone?
Rei: (thinks for a second before answering) i do not play baseball.
Jared: Really? What about our day of fun?
[A moment passes.]
Rei: who are you?
[Jared sighs. John looks to him, then to Rei when she speaks.]
Jared: I'm a Goon. What else is there to know?
Rei: i want to know.
Jared: Er...stuff. Look, I'm just not all that great at putting this
into a story or something.
[Several people cough into their hands, sounding suspicious like a
certain word...]
Rei: tell me what you know.
[John is now following the conversation as one would a tennis ball at
Wimbledon.]
Jared: I don't want to. There's nothing about me you could possibly want
to know.
Rei: can i not be the judge of that?
Jared: ... Look, you're fourteen--er, eight... seven? Zero? Heck, you're
a clone, why do you care?
Rei: i just want to know who you are.
Jared: AAAAAARRRRGGGG!
[John gets up and leaves.]
Jared: _Why_ do you care? What are you _getting_ at?!
Rei: you are perverted and violent. your character will explain why.
Jared: This is crazy. You've been hanging around John too much.
Rei: and you are avoiding my question.
Jared: You don't even have the literary capacity to understand that
question! (starts looking for John and misses the tiniest frown directed
at him) Where'd he go?
----------
[Apartment... well, you know the place. Seventh floor, right past the
wards and straight on until your mind crawls out of your skull and runs
away screaming.]
[Inside, we see that Jared and Andy have appropriated a Laz-E-Boy chair,
some rope, and made excellent use of both on John. Beethoven's 9th plays
softly through the Stereo System From HELL.]
[If you don't know what we're spoofing, STOP NOW and go watch "A
Clockwork Orange." There will be a test.]
Jared: Okay, I've got him strapped into the chair. You got the anime?
Andy: (reading off the video cases stacked in one arm) Ruroni Kenshin
OAV, Technolyze, Getter Robo: Armageddon, I Wish You Were Here, Fist of
the North Star, Spriggan...what?
Jared: No, no, maybe, nope, over my dead body, and no.
Andy: (looks at the last video) Love Hina?
Jared: (thinking look; shrugs) Should work out okay. Gimmie a few
episodes of Getter Robo and hand me that A-ko tape.
Andy: Here's some Goldenboy we have left over from last time.
Jared: Excellent. Let's get started.
----------
[Cut to later. We see a close-up of John's face, twisted by a savage
grin, his eyes still completely obscured by the glare off of his
glasses. He slowly sips a tall glass of milk while the camera pulls back
very slowly.]
[See?!]
{Make this spoof closer to the original movie. Similar tone and pacing.
This will require me watching the movie.}
John: (vaguely British accent) Well, after we took out the bank robbers
and crazy-girl was locked up, we used their mecha to defend the earth
against alien invaders. Everything got blown up anyway. Then I had to
take my college entrance exams. Surprisingly, I failed them, but I had a
giant mecha, so I couldn't complain. And after that I went on the road
in search of knowledge!
[By now the view shows that we're still in the apartment and Andy and
Jared have been listening raptly to John recant his "life story."]
["Story" indeed.]
Jared: (claps hands together happily) That was great! We should write
that combination down...
Andy: (grumpy) I still say we should have added some Fist of the North
Star.
Jared: Well, (pulls out a crowbar) time to make this sound plausible!
----------
-TbC...
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