Dave Wong
4th July 2006, 10:32 AM
Sorry it's late, things are a bit hectic on my side
here :D
Seeing as I'm the other guy who's writing a Ranma/Star
Wars crossover, I figure I should give ya some C&C :D
--- Andrew Norris <setsuna (AT) setsuna (DOT) us> wrote:
> Well, after listening to everyone, here's the
> prologue, edited.
> Thanks to all who commentened.
>
> Eilsa Jardon sighed as she glanced at her
> surroundings, clear blue
Suggest: "her clear blue yes..."
> eyes taking in the scenery.
>
> "Another backwater planet," she muttered as she
> shook her head,
Suggest: "..muttered, shaking her head,"
> the ponytail of her straight black hair shifting
> about slightly
> under the hood of the brown cloak she currently
> wore. Underneath
> that were simple cotton white robes that hid her
Replace were with was
> lean and athletic
> form.
>
> If a passerby chanced to look into her hood, her
Suggest: "..hood, they would have seen a pale and
aristocratic face..."
> pale and
> aristocratic face was bearing a small scar on her
> cheek, an
> indication of an old, old wound.
Suggest saying "very old"
>
> As she stepped though the small market her thoughts
> turned to what
> she said.
comma after market
>
> Not _quite_ backwater, but definitely not the most
> advanced she
> had been on. Dodging the old fashioned radar to
Suggest: "...she had ever been on."
Suggest replacing "old fashioned" with "primitive" or
a similar word.
> land her craft
> here, where her senses told her there would be easy
> resupply after
> she got lost.
Suggest: "where her senses had told her that where it
would be easy to resupply.."
>
> As she walked though the Market she was examining,
> she knew there
> would be no supplies for her here due to the
> walkthrough the
> market showed the stalls and shops selling fresh
> food, mostly
> vegetables and fish.
This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you chop it up
into two parts, or shorten it.
Suggest: "As she browsed through the Market's stalls,
she soon came to the conclusion that she wouldn't be
able to resupply here. So far, she had only seen
fresh food, mostly vegetables and fish, none of which
she had use for."
>
> The other shops were selling small electronics that
> she had built
> as a youngling. The language was extremely
Since Earth tech and Star Wars tech are kind of
different, I suggest:
"The other shops were selling very primitive versions
of small, electronic devices that she had built as a
youngling."
> difficult for her
> force powers to translate for her, almost as if it
Force
> had no
> association with any she knew. Before she could
> attempt to talk
> to one of the venders, she staggered in shock as a
> cry screamed
> into her mind.
>
> A young soul, calling for help from a terrible fear
> driven home to
> her by the child's own Force. Before she could
> think the Force
think, the
> guided her actions, and she blurred towards the
> strident call, not
> thinking about the possible ramifications of her
> actions.
We have an impulsive one here, don't we! :D
>
> Luckily, the residents of Nerima were used to the
Suggest "were long used"
> abilities of
> Martial artists.
Suggest "seemingly superhuman abilities of the local
martial artists."
>
> As she flashed over the roofs, cloak streaming
> behind her, the
> clarion call of fear and terror struck her even more
> desperately
desperately,
> causing her to move faster, reaching for deeper and
> deeper levels
> of the Force, to save a soul from a horror beyond
> imagining.
>
> As she homed in on the pit of despair, she skidded
Replace pit with place
> into a alley
an alley
> where a small redheaded child was being surrounded
> by some local
> predator. They looked vaguely like Cathar infants -
> small, furry,
> clawed, both playful and dangerous. She couldn't
> convince of why
Suggest: "She couldn't think of a reason why..."
> they were threatening a small child, till a smell of
> fish wafted
> across her nose, reminding her of some Cathar's love
> of fish.
Suggest: "reminding her of the Cathar's love for it."
> Before she could act as her senses verifying the
> hunger of the
> predators, the child's emotions... _shifted_ was all
> she could
> think of... turning a desperate child to a mindless
> carnivore.
This paragraph needs some rewriting; maybe you can cut
it into two parts?
>
> She stared, aware of how desperate the situation had
> become,
just become,
> especially when she felt the whisper of the child's
> own Force
> forge into insubstantial claws and scatter the small
> predators
> without any harm to them. Her feelings confirmed
> what she saw
what she saw,
> indicating no hunger or anger from the child and a
> whisper in her
> mind hinted at a way to help this hurt soul.
>
> She watched the child carefully, letting the feral
> child study
> her, while she sunk her soul deeper into the Force,
> letting it
> steer her and send out calming waves of emotions, as
> she knelt in
> response to the child approaching her and was
> rewarded by a
> sniffing of her out held hand.
You really got to quit the habit of creating run-on
sentences. Cut this into two or three sentences!
>
> Without warning, the child pounced, slamming into
You mean the Force didn't give her a warning? As deep
as she was in it? Oh yeah, and there's an extra
space.
> her chest,
> knocking her back onto the ground. She looked down,
> and found
> herself with a lapful of child. Calling upon the
> Force to calm
> the world around them, she sent waves of comfort as
Suggest: "..she sent waves of comfort; gradually, the
purrs quieted and slowed."
> the purrs
> quieted and slowed.
>
> As she felt the child's Force signature calm and
> settle into the
> state that meant sleep, she slipped in her own
> touch, sending the
> child deeper into slumber which would allow her to
> move the young
> girl safely and get her to the ship so she could
> gather
> information on this girl's health. She carefully
> gathered the
> girl as she resumed a more normal pattern for
> sleeping into her
> arms, and carefully moved out of the alley and then
> taking to the
> roofs with speed, but careful to not disturb the
> bundle in her
> arms.
Two run-on sentences in 1 paragraph....
>
> As the cloaked figure departed, faint calls of
> "Ranma!" could be
> heard over the wind, if the Jedi was paying
> attention.
Suggest: "wind. Unfortunately, the Jedi wasn't
paying attention."
>
> **********************
>
> Balance of Force
>
> By
>
> Andrew 'MageOhki' Norris
>
> with grateful assistance and kibitzing from
> Nicholas 'Nightelf' Leifker
>
> Major C and C provided (not all of it accepted, mind
> you, but most
> was) by
> Quedrom
>
> Prologue
>
> The Child.
>
> **********************
>
> As Eilsa laid the child into the capsule she kept in
> her ship, she
> shook her head. A six year old. Unbelievable. She
> couldn't
> conceive of a Jedi able to form solid weapons with
Jedi Master? Knight? Padawan? All of the above?
> the Force, much
> less a child of such a young age using it at all.
Suggest: "much less a child of six years."
> She brushed the
> bangs of the sleeping child, sighing softly at the
> thought of the
> scene earlier today. She stepped back and gestured
Replace "today" with "that day" ; Replace "gestured"
with "ordered"
> at her
> medical droid to run a complete medical history of
> the child, only
> a Jedi healer could determine the cause and reasons
> for the state
> she saw.
I don't understand this paragraph, if only a Jedi
healer could do that, why request the droid to try and
do it?
>
> She stood up as the droid began its work, and she
Delete the second 'she'
> went to the
> small galley, making a cup of kaff for herself. As
> she sipped it,
> she walked to the cockpit of her ship, to study her
Delete the comma after ship. Suggest: "..study her
journey on the travel logs."
> journey. A
> planet this advanced should have been discovered by
Suggest: "A planet at this level of technology..."
> the Order or
> Republic scouts already.
>
> Though... she had been traveling for a long time and
> she didn't
> have a clue where she was now in relation to the
> Temple, even if
> she was of the mind to seek their ... advice in a
> face to face
> conversation. She finally found the name of the
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Make it
clearer.
> planet, only
> because of the recording and translating watch she
Translating watch?
> had her
> computer did, or... was this Nihon the name of the
computer do
> area she was
> in? Eh, no real matter she thought as she stood in
matter, she
> response to
> the medical droid's call for attention.
>
> "Madam, you need to look at these results" M-21J
results,"
> spoke as Eilsa
> strode into the medical bay.
>
> "Readings?" Her response was in a soft contralto as
> she held out
> her hand for the datapad. She glanced though the
> basic data, and
> then moved on history. She slowed down as her
onto history.
> eyebrows rose, and
> her face paled.
>
> She set aside the datapad and studied the child in
> the bed. Her
> Force presence blazed like a beacon, and any
> rational Jedi would
> assume that's why she lived though all the injuries
that was why she was able to survive all those
> that the droid
> reported. Part of her was severely tempted to put
> her into stasis
> and head directly for the Temple, since she was
I thought she doesn't where she is in relation to the
Temple?
> either a orphan or
> abused by her parents, but that would not be the way
> of the Jedi
> as she and a few others saw it. She couldn't work
> within whatever
> the law was here, but she could at least find out
Suggest: "..whatever was the law here.."
> from the child's
> own lips what and how these conditions occurred, and
Erase "what and"
> who caused
> them.
>
> ************
>
> She wasn't taking her back. No way. No how. No
> chance was he
> returning to his parents. Nor the situation in
> Nerima. She
> regretted not listening to her first impulse, but
> that was a
> passing fancy. She also knew that what he told her,
> while more
> than he'd tell any stranger, was still incomplete,
> and he would
> have avoided the Neko-ken as he called it training
> altogether.
Suggest: "..and he would've avoided the training of
the Nekoken altogether."
> She breathed as she watched a 6-year-old body do a
Breathed in...surprise? Shock? Jealousy?
> jump and a kick
> that many Jedi in their prime could not do.
>
> She shook her head. Yes, the child, and while she
Replace "the" with "a"
> believed his
> actual 17 years of age, she couldn't make herself
> consider Ranma a
> person on the verge of adulthood. While the child
Replace "the child" with "he"
> had many flaws,
> to be expected of one raised by a Sith in all but
that was to be..
> name, goodness
> still shined within the child. Not a bully to his
> true inferiors,
> nor someone who was greedy in an evil sense, or even
> one who
> sought power for power's sake. But... she had to
> fix this. The
> only way Ranma could become what her Force senses
> told her she
told her he could become, was if she took him with
her.
> could become, was if she took the child with her.
>
> However, to do that, she'd need to acquire fuel and
Suggest: "..first of all she needed to acquire fuel
and deal with the Nerima mess."
> to deal with
> the Neriman mess. She couldn't just steal the
> child. Even though
Of course she could! Call it enforced adopting! Heh
> Ranma's father was a Sith, and his mother was a
> clear threat to
> her own child's safety, that still didn't give her
> the right or
> the duty to just steal the child away. It would not
Erase "or the duty" and "just". Replace "It" with
"That"
> be the Jedi
> way, and even if she was willing to waive that, it
> would lower her
> to that... panda's level.
>
> And in truth, she would have to also need to deal
Suggest: "And also, to be fair, she would have to
deal with the others."
> with the others
> in fairness. The Amazons, Ukyou, and the Tendos...
> they should
> provide no difficulty in this situation, but still
> having Ranma
> disappear without at least letting them know and say
> goodbye to
> them was truly against the spirit of the Code she
Replace "them" with "him"
> followed.
>
> 'Assuming I could kidnap the child, that is. Even
> not needing
> fuel, she is quite skilled. ' She thought with a
> slight snort and
> smile.
Is Ranma in his cursed form? Because earlier you
wrote
him as a "he".
>
> She had a feeling that training Ranma in the ways
> of the Force
> would tax even Windu's skills... not because Ranma
would have taxed
> was inept...
> but because she exceeded her teacher or could
> quickly if her words
> about how fast she learned were true.
Another run-on sentence. Restructure it.
>
> She picked up a data chip with a visual recording of
> how the Neko-
> ken was taught. She shuddered. The memory of
How was it able to be recorded?
> Ranma's tone of
> voice as he described being put into the pit
> repeatedly...
Replace "put" with "forced"
>
> The idea that someone was foolish enough to put a
> child though
> such torture was bad enough. Knowing that it was
> the boy's father
> made her sick.
Genma: *Achooo!*
>
> It was nothing short of a miracle that Ranma didn't
> hate his
> father for this. Indeed, all throughout his tales,
Suggest: "Indeed, in all his tales.."
> he never
> actually hated anyone. Some of their actions, yes,
> but not them.
Add directly after them.
>
> She picked up another chip, relating the experience
> of Jusekyou.
Jhusenkyou
> Even when she saw it with her own eyes, she doubted
> she'd actually
> get anyone to believe this without them seeing it
> for themselves.
>
> Yet another reason for the child to hate, and Ranma
> didn't.
>
> Another data chip.
>
> "The seppuku promise." She snarled softly before
promise," she snarled..
> recovering her
> poise, still wondering at what type of mother would
> agree to a
> pledge made with a handprint by a 5 year old to
> -kill- himself if
> he wasn't... manly. She took a deep breath reciting
> the Code in
> her mind, till she calmed down. She had always felt
mind, until she..
> drawn
> to children, and loved being with them, and often
> wondered if she
> made the right choice in staying a Jedi, instead of
> becoming a
> mother. How could she even consider herself a
> mother after having
> agreed to such a action. She couldn't bring herself
> to even think
> about striking down one of her padawans if they
> fell, but to fail
> to live up to some 'standard' as artificial and
> variable as being
> 'manly'? It was a perversion of the very nature of
> motherhood,
> and it both horrified and angered her deeply.
Amen to that.
>
> She stood up to collect herself and control her
> anger while
> replaying the discussion of Happosai in her mind.
> There was a
> Sith if she ever had heard of one. Self taught
> maybe, and not
> quite sunk to the level of depravity that some could
> go to, but
> clearly in thrall to the Dark side.
>
> She briefly recalled the discussion of Shampoo and
> the other two
> Amazons, and rather looked forward to meeting
> Cologne, but wasn't
> sure of Mousse. Shampoo had potential, if she
> wasn't too old,
> that is. She moved on to Ukyou and shook her head
Too old? Isn't Shampoo a teenager, and Jedi are
usually taken when they're babies?
> at another
> father that basically shuffled his problems onto his
> child.
>
>
> She stopped pacing and thought about the Tendos.
> This would take
Replace "This" with "That"
> careful handling. Her training as a diplomat
> allowed her to pick
> up on clues, and while she was sure Ranma didn't
> want to get
> married, even at his proper age, he did hold
Suggest replace "proper" with "normal"
> feelings for the Dark
> Marauder in training called Akane. He had fondness
> for Kasumi,
> the eldest of the three daughters while Nabiki...
...daughters, as for Nabiki...
>
> It is said that there are many paths to the dark
> side, and greed
> is one of them. Perhaps it was a good thing she
Remove extra space after 'was'
> wasn't a student
> of this planet's way of the Force, otherwise there
Suggest: "planet's version of Force manipulation,"
> would be three
> Sith to consider.
>
> Last but not least was Ryouga. She wasn't sure how
> to consider
> him. Was he just a victim of hardship and
> circumstance, or was he
> truly disturbed? Ranma's description of him wasn't
Suggest replacing "disturbed" with "on the path of the
Dark Side"
> conclusive
> enough, though Ranma didn't bash him, she sensed
enough. Though he didn't bash the other boy, Eilsa
sensed
> that Ranma was
> displeased about some of his behavior, but wouldn't
very displeased about some of his actions
> say what.
>
> She shook her head, thinking back onto the interview
Replace "onto" with "to"
> she had with
> the young man.
>
> ******
>
> "Hello, My name's Eilsa. What's yours?" Eilsa
> asked in a warm
> tone.
>
> "... Ranma" a young female voice answered.
>
> "Ranma? An interesting name. 'Wild horse', right?"
>
> She was answered with a nod.
>
> "Ranma, I hope you don't mind, but I need to ask a
> few questions."
> Eilsa was rewarded with a sigh and an annoyed
> comment from the
> girl.
>
> "Okay... what did Pop do now?"
>
> Eilsa studied the child and came to a mental
No need for 'mental'
> conclusion. This
> wasn't the first time something like this happened.
like this had happened.
> What type of
> world did she fall on?
>
> She shook her head. "Mind telling me why you acted
> like a cat?"
>
> "Cause my father is an idiot" Ranma responded like
Add a comma after idiot
> it was the most
> oblivious fact in the world.
obvious
>
> "Ah... but how did that happen?" Eilsa was getting
> the funny
> sense she wasn't dealing with a six year old
Replace "sense" with "feeling"
> mentality. The
> patterns and emotions weren't corresponding to that,
> nor what
Replace "what" with "were the"
> thoughts she could sense. More like a 13 or 14 year
Suggest: "They were more like a ..."
> old. Then
> again, the child was in a feline state of mind no
> less than an
> hour before, so the unexpected pattern might be
> intentional.
Suggest replacing "intentional" with "a side effect"
>
> Ranma shrugged. "Like I said, Pops is a idiot. He
> found this
> martial arts technique - the Nekoken - and decided
> to teach me in
Replace "teach" with "instruct"
> it. Training consisted of wrapping me in fish
> sausage and tossing
> me into a pit full of c-c-cats - repeatedly" The
Period after repeatedly.
> offhand tone it
> was spoken with would fool most.
would have fooled most.
>
> Eilsa wasn't one of them. "So... that would explain
> the injuries
> I found." The tone made it sound like a mystery
> solved
period after solved
>
> Ranma's expression was puzzled as she replied.
> "Injuries?"
>
> "Your body shows a horrific number of injuries.
> Your bones have
> so many healed breaks that I lost count - everything
> from your jaw
> to ribs to both your arms and legs - on several
> occasions. Or was
> that something else?" Her tone of voice matched her
> eyebrow's
> questioning stance.
>
> Ranma shrugged. "Eh, only scratches mostly from
> that. Lots of
> them, but can't recall any broken bones from it."
>
> "So where did the broken bones come from?"
>
> "Eh, training mostly, I guess." Ranma's casual
> attitude was
> beginning to scare the Jedi.
>
> "14 recently acquired hairline fractures of the
> skull from
> _training_?" The stress on the last word indicated
> to anyone
> aware that Eilsa's view on such training was...
> displeased to say
displeasure, extreme displeasure
> the least.
>
> "Huh. Those are new. Akane's work." Ranma's
> response was
> casual.
Suggest: "Ranma's response was once again casual."
>
> "And who is this Akane?" Eilsa's voice responded
> not showing the
> growing horror she was experiencing.
Suggest replacing experiencing with feeling
>
> "My fiancee." This offhand answer shut down Eilsa's
> mental
> processes for a second
>
> "Excuse me? As in a female intended?" Eilsa asked,
> confirming
> what she heard.
Suggest: "needing to confirm what she had just
heard."
>
> "Yup." An are you stupid tone, so typically
> teenager rattled the
so typical of a teenager
> adult across from Ranma more.
>
> She just _knew_ something was way off. She wasn't
> sure what she
> was asking, but she had the feeling she was missing
Suggest replacing "asking" with "looking for"
> something...
> and well... "How old are you?"
>
> "16"
>
> Eilsa blinked. She rose from the chair, saying,
> "I'll be back in
> a second. Have some snacks."
>
> Ranma nodded and started munching on the wafers she
> laid out.
>
> Eilsa returned after verifying that Ranma was human
> with her
> medical droid. "Care to explain how you're 16? My
> medical ...
> device indicated that you were at best 6, more than
> likely 5."
>
> "Well, that's a bit hard. You see, Ryogua found
> these mushrooms,
> and... " Ranma's voice washed over her, explaining
> the whole
> chain of events until. " After we accidentally
Remove until, put comma after events, and close up
that space
before After.
> destroyed the last
> of them, I couldn't take losing all the things I
> trained for. I'd
> hate the thought of having to do that training trip
> again..."
Well, since Ranma's gained an additional childhood, he
should
know that he can do things different, like taking a
training
trip without Genma. Besides, he hasn't lost
everything; he still
has his skill and all the techniques he learned. It's
just a matter
of growing up and getting his body back into shape.
And best of
all, since he's a kid, he's way too young to be
married!
>
> Eilsa blinked. Every word Ranma said rang with
> truth. Some of
> Ranma's words were self-serving statements
Replace "Ranma's words" with "them"
> certainly, but still
> truth. And it would explain the injuries.
true
> However...
>
> "I... find that hard to believe. Magic?" Eilsa
> couldn't keep
> disbelief out of her voice.
>
> "Got hot water?" Ranma enquired, smiling like she
inquired
> had a secret.
>
> ******
>
> Eilsa shook her head. She had to believe Ranma.
> Between the
> demonstrations she arranged and other things, it was
> all true. Of
> course, that was Ranma's point of view. She had to
> find the other
> point of view. Which means, time to investigate
Which meant, it was time to..
> Nerima. Not to
Nerima, and also, not to mention...
> mention figuring out why the same soul had two
> different levels of
> Force presence.
>
Pretty good take on the "Jedi takes
Ranma-as-a-kid-or-teen as a student." I missed the
original version, but this is a pretty interesting
read, problems with run-on sentences aside.
I encourage you to continue this and am looking
forward to reading chapter 1.
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html
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here :D
Seeing as I'm the other guy who's writing a Ranma/Star
Wars crossover, I figure I should give ya some C&C :D
--- Andrew Norris <setsuna (AT) setsuna (DOT) us> wrote:
> Well, after listening to everyone, here's the
> prologue, edited.
> Thanks to all who commentened.
>
> Eilsa Jardon sighed as she glanced at her
> surroundings, clear blue
Suggest: "her clear blue yes..."
> eyes taking in the scenery.
>
> "Another backwater planet," she muttered as she
> shook her head,
Suggest: "..muttered, shaking her head,"
> the ponytail of her straight black hair shifting
> about slightly
> under the hood of the brown cloak she currently
> wore. Underneath
> that were simple cotton white robes that hid her
Replace were with was
> lean and athletic
> form.
>
> If a passerby chanced to look into her hood, her
Suggest: "..hood, they would have seen a pale and
aristocratic face..."
> pale and
> aristocratic face was bearing a small scar on her
> cheek, an
> indication of an old, old wound.
Suggest saying "very old"
>
> As she stepped though the small market her thoughts
> turned to what
> she said.
comma after market
>
> Not _quite_ backwater, but definitely not the most
> advanced she
> had been on. Dodging the old fashioned radar to
Suggest: "...she had ever been on."
Suggest replacing "old fashioned" with "primitive" or
a similar word.
> land her craft
> here, where her senses told her there would be easy
> resupply after
> she got lost.
Suggest: "where her senses had told her that where it
would be easy to resupply.."
>
> As she walked though the Market she was examining,
> she knew there
> would be no supplies for her here due to the
> walkthrough the
> market showed the stalls and shops selling fresh
> food, mostly
> vegetables and fish.
This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you chop it up
into two parts, or shorten it.
Suggest: "As she browsed through the Market's stalls,
she soon came to the conclusion that she wouldn't be
able to resupply here. So far, she had only seen
fresh food, mostly vegetables and fish, none of which
she had use for."
>
> The other shops were selling small electronics that
> she had built
> as a youngling. The language was extremely
Since Earth tech and Star Wars tech are kind of
different, I suggest:
"The other shops were selling very primitive versions
of small, electronic devices that she had built as a
youngling."
> difficult for her
> force powers to translate for her, almost as if it
Force
> had no
> association with any she knew. Before she could
> attempt to talk
> to one of the venders, she staggered in shock as a
> cry screamed
> into her mind.
>
> A young soul, calling for help from a terrible fear
> driven home to
> her by the child's own Force. Before she could
> think the Force
think, the
> guided her actions, and she blurred towards the
> strident call, not
> thinking about the possible ramifications of her
> actions.
We have an impulsive one here, don't we! :D
>
> Luckily, the residents of Nerima were used to the
Suggest "were long used"
> abilities of
> Martial artists.
Suggest "seemingly superhuman abilities of the local
martial artists."
>
> As she flashed over the roofs, cloak streaming
> behind her, the
> clarion call of fear and terror struck her even more
> desperately
desperately,
> causing her to move faster, reaching for deeper and
> deeper levels
> of the Force, to save a soul from a horror beyond
> imagining.
>
> As she homed in on the pit of despair, she skidded
Replace pit with place
> into a alley
an alley
> where a small redheaded child was being surrounded
> by some local
> predator. They looked vaguely like Cathar infants -
> small, furry,
> clawed, both playful and dangerous. She couldn't
> convince of why
Suggest: "She couldn't think of a reason why..."
> they were threatening a small child, till a smell of
> fish wafted
> across her nose, reminding her of some Cathar's love
> of fish.
Suggest: "reminding her of the Cathar's love for it."
> Before she could act as her senses verifying the
> hunger of the
> predators, the child's emotions... _shifted_ was all
> she could
> think of... turning a desperate child to a mindless
> carnivore.
This paragraph needs some rewriting; maybe you can cut
it into two parts?
>
> She stared, aware of how desperate the situation had
> become,
just become,
> especially when she felt the whisper of the child's
> own Force
> forge into insubstantial claws and scatter the small
> predators
> without any harm to them. Her feelings confirmed
> what she saw
what she saw,
> indicating no hunger or anger from the child and a
> whisper in her
> mind hinted at a way to help this hurt soul.
>
> She watched the child carefully, letting the feral
> child study
> her, while she sunk her soul deeper into the Force,
> letting it
> steer her and send out calming waves of emotions, as
> she knelt in
> response to the child approaching her and was
> rewarded by a
> sniffing of her out held hand.
You really got to quit the habit of creating run-on
sentences. Cut this into two or three sentences!
>
> Without warning, the child pounced, slamming into
You mean the Force didn't give her a warning? As deep
as she was in it? Oh yeah, and there's an extra
space.
> her chest,
> knocking her back onto the ground. She looked down,
> and found
> herself with a lapful of child. Calling upon the
> Force to calm
> the world around them, she sent waves of comfort as
Suggest: "..she sent waves of comfort; gradually, the
purrs quieted and slowed."
> the purrs
> quieted and slowed.
>
> As she felt the child's Force signature calm and
> settle into the
> state that meant sleep, she slipped in her own
> touch, sending the
> child deeper into slumber which would allow her to
> move the young
> girl safely and get her to the ship so she could
> gather
> information on this girl's health. She carefully
> gathered the
> girl as she resumed a more normal pattern for
> sleeping into her
> arms, and carefully moved out of the alley and then
> taking to the
> roofs with speed, but careful to not disturb the
> bundle in her
> arms.
Two run-on sentences in 1 paragraph....
>
> As the cloaked figure departed, faint calls of
> "Ranma!" could be
> heard over the wind, if the Jedi was paying
> attention.
Suggest: "wind. Unfortunately, the Jedi wasn't
paying attention."
>
> **********************
>
> Balance of Force
>
> By
>
> Andrew 'MageOhki' Norris
>
> with grateful assistance and kibitzing from
> Nicholas 'Nightelf' Leifker
>
> Major C and C provided (not all of it accepted, mind
> you, but most
> was) by
> Quedrom
>
> Prologue
>
> The Child.
>
> **********************
>
> As Eilsa laid the child into the capsule she kept in
> her ship, she
> shook her head. A six year old. Unbelievable. She
> couldn't
> conceive of a Jedi able to form solid weapons with
Jedi Master? Knight? Padawan? All of the above?
> the Force, much
> less a child of such a young age using it at all.
Suggest: "much less a child of six years."
> She brushed the
> bangs of the sleeping child, sighing softly at the
> thought of the
> scene earlier today. She stepped back and gestured
Replace "today" with "that day" ; Replace "gestured"
with "ordered"
> at her
> medical droid to run a complete medical history of
> the child, only
> a Jedi healer could determine the cause and reasons
> for the state
> she saw.
I don't understand this paragraph, if only a Jedi
healer could do that, why request the droid to try and
do it?
>
> She stood up as the droid began its work, and she
Delete the second 'she'
> went to the
> small galley, making a cup of kaff for herself. As
> she sipped it,
> she walked to the cockpit of her ship, to study her
Delete the comma after ship. Suggest: "..study her
journey on the travel logs."
> journey. A
> planet this advanced should have been discovered by
Suggest: "A planet at this level of technology..."
> the Order or
> Republic scouts already.
>
> Though... she had been traveling for a long time and
> she didn't
> have a clue where she was now in relation to the
> Temple, even if
> she was of the mind to seek their ... advice in a
> face to face
> conversation. She finally found the name of the
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Make it
clearer.
> planet, only
> because of the recording and translating watch she
Translating watch?
> had her
> computer did, or... was this Nihon the name of the
computer do
> area she was
> in? Eh, no real matter she thought as she stood in
matter, she
> response to
> the medical droid's call for attention.
>
> "Madam, you need to look at these results" M-21J
results,"
> spoke as Eilsa
> strode into the medical bay.
>
> "Readings?" Her response was in a soft contralto as
> she held out
> her hand for the datapad. She glanced though the
> basic data, and
> then moved on history. She slowed down as her
onto history.
> eyebrows rose, and
> her face paled.
>
> She set aside the datapad and studied the child in
> the bed. Her
> Force presence blazed like a beacon, and any
> rational Jedi would
> assume that's why she lived though all the injuries
that was why she was able to survive all those
> that the droid
> reported. Part of her was severely tempted to put
> her into stasis
> and head directly for the Temple, since she was
I thought she doesn't where she is in relation to the
Temple?
> either a orphan or
> abused by her parents, but that would not be the way
> of the Jedi
> as she and a few others saw it. She couldn't work
> within whatever
> the law was here, but she could at least find out
Suggest: "..whatever was the law here.."
> from the child's
> own lips what and how these conditions occurred, and
Erase "what and"
> who caused
> them.
>
> ************
>
> She wasn't taking her back. No way. No how. No
> chance was he
> returning to his parents. Nor the situation in
> Nerima. She
> regretted not listening to her first impulse, but
> that was a
> passing fancy. She also knew that what he told her,
> while more
> than he'd tell any stranger, was still incomplete,
> and he would
> have avoided the Neko-ken as he called it training
> altogether.
Suggest: "..and he would've avoided the training of
the Nekoken altogether."
> She breathed as she watched a 6-year-old body do a
Breathed in...surprise? Shock? Jealousy?
> jump and a kick
> that many Jedi in their prime could not do.
>
> She shook her head. Yes, the child, and while she
Replace "the" with "a"
> believed his
> actual 17 years of age, she couldn't make herself
> consider Ranma a
> person on the verge of adulthood. While the child
Replace "the child" with "he"
> had many flaws,
> to be expected of one raised by a Sith in all but
that was to be..
> name, goodness
> still shined within the child. Not a bully to his
> true inferiors,
> nor someone who was greedy in an evil sense, or even
> one who
> sought power for power's sake. But... she had to
> fix this. The
> only way Ranma could become what her Force senses
> told her she
told her he could become, was if she took him with
her.
> could become, was if she took the child with her.
>
> However, to do that, she'd need to acquire fuel and
Suggest: "..first of all she needed to acquire fuel
and deal with the Nerima mess."
> to deal with
> the Neriman mess. She couldn't just steal the
> child. Even though
Of course she could! Call it enforced adopting! Heh
> Ranma's father was a Sith, and his mother was a
> clear threat to
> her own child's safety, that still didn't give her
> the right or
> the duty to just steal the child away. It would not
Erase "or the duty" and "just". Replace "It" with
"That"
> be the Jedi
> way, and even if she was willing to waive that, it
> would lower her
> to that... panda's level.
>
> And in truth, she would have to also need to deal
Suggest: "And also, to be fair, she would have to
deal with the others."
> with the others
> in fairness. The Amazons, Ukyou, and the Tendos...
> they should
> provide no difficulty in this situation, but still
> having Ranma
> disappear without at least letting them know and say
> goodbye to
> them was truly against the spirit of the Code she
Replace "them" with "him"
> followed.
>
> 'Assuming I could kidnap the child, that is. Even
> not needing
> fuel, she is quite skilled. ' She thought with a
> slight snort and
> smile.
Is Ranma in his cursed form? Because earlier you
wrote
him as a "he".
>
> She had a feeling that training Ranma in the ways
> of the Force
> would tax even Windu's skills... not because Ranma
would have taxed
> was inept...
> but because she exceeded her teacher or could
> quickly if her words
> about how fast she learned were true.
Another run-on sentence. Restructure it.
>
> She picked up a data chip with a visual recording of
> how the Neko-
> ken was taught. She shuddered. The memory of
How was it able to be recorded?
> Ranma's tone of
> voice as he described being put into the pit
> repeatedly...
Replace "put" with "forced"
>
> The idea that someone was foolish enough to put a
> child though
> such torture was bad enough. Knowing that it was
> the boy's father
> made her sick.
Genma: *Achooo!*
>
> It was nothing short of a miracle that Ranma didn't
> hate his
> father for this. Indeed, all throughout his tales,
Suggest: "Indeed, in all his tales.."
> he never
> actually hated anyone. Some of their actions, yes,
> but not them.
Add directly after them.
>
> She picked up another chip, relating the experience
> of Jusekyou.
Jhusenkyou
> Even when she saw it with her own eyes, she doubted
> she'd actually
> get anyone to believe this without them seeing it
> for themselves.
>
> Yet another reason for the child to hate, and Ranma
> didn't.
>
> Another data chip.
>
> "The seppuku promise." She snarled softly before
promise," she snarled..
> recovering her
> poise, still wondering at what type of mother would
> agree to a
> pledge made with a handprint by a 5 year old to
> -kill- himself if
> he wasn't... manly. She took a deep breath reciting
> the Code in
> her mind, till she calmed down. She had always felt
mind, until she..
> drawn
> to children, and loved being with them, and often
> wondered if she
> made the right choice in staying a Jedi, instead of
> becoming a
> mother. How could she even consider herself a
> mother after having
> agreed to such a action. She couldn't bring herself
> to even think
> about striking down one of her padawans if they
> fell, but to fail
> to live up to some 'standard' as artificial and
> variable as being
> 'manly'? It was a perversion of the very nature of
> motherhood,
> and it both horrified and angered her deeply.
Amen to that.
>
> She stood up to collect herself and control her
> anger while
> replaying the discussion of Happosai in her mind.
> There was a
> Sith if she ever had heard of one. Self taught
> maybe, and not
> quite sunk to the level of depravity that some could
> go to, but
> clearly in thrall to the Dark side.
>
> She briefly recalled the discussion of Shampoo and
> the other two
> Amazons, and rather looked forward to meeting
> Cologne, but wasn't
> sure of Mousse. Shampoo had potential, if she
> wasn't too old,
> that is. She moved on to Ukyou and shook her head
Too old? Isn't Shampoo a teenager, and Jedi are
usually taken when they're babies?
> at another
> father that basically shuffled his problems onto his
> child.
>
>
> She stopped pacing and thought about the Tendos.
> This would take
Replace "This" with "That"
> careful handling. Her training as a diplomat
> allowed her to pick
> up on clues, and while she was sure Ranma didn't
> want to get
> married, even at his proper age, he did hold
Suggest replace "proper" with "normal"
> feelings for the Dark
> Marauder in training called Akane. He had fondness
> for Kasumi,
> the eldest of the three daughters while Nabiki...
...daughters, as for Nabiki...
>
> It is said that there are many paths to the dark
> side, and greed
> is one of them. Perhaps it was a good thing she
Remove extra space after 'was'
> wasn't a student
> of this planet's way of the Force, otherwise there
Suggest: "planet's version of Force manipulation,"
> would be three
> Sith to consider.
>
> Last but not least was Ryouga. She wasn't sure how
> to consider
> him. Was he just a victim of hardship and
> circumstance, or was he
> truly disturbed? Ranma's description of him wasn't
Suggest replacing "disturbed" with "on the path of the
Dark Side"
> conclusive
> enough, though Ranma didn't bash him, she sensed
enough. Though he didn't bash the other boy, Eilsa
sensed
> that Ranma was
> displeased about some of his behavior, but wouldn't
very displeased about some of his actions
> say what.
>
> She shook her head, thinking back onto the interview
Replace "onto" with "to"
> she had with
> the young man.
>
> ******
>
> "Hello, My name's Eilsa. What's yours?" Eilsa
> asked in a warm
> tone.
>
> "... Ranma" a young female voice answered.
>
> "Ranma? An interesting name. 'Wild horse', right?"
>
> She was answered with a nod.
>
> "Ranma, I hope you don't mind, but I need to ask a
> few questions."
> Eilsa was rewarded with a sigh and an annoyed
> comment from the
> girl.
>
> "Okay... what did Pop do now?"
>
> Eilsa studied the child and came to a mental
No need for 'mental'
> conclusion. This
> wasn't the first time something like this happened.
like this had happened.
> What type of
> world did she fall on?
>
> She shook her head. "Mind telling me why you acted
> like a cat?"
>
> "Cause my father is an idiot" Ranma responded like
Add a comma after idiot
> it was the most
> oblivious fact in the world.
obvious
>
> "Ah... but how did that happen?" Eilsa was getting
> the funny
> sense she wasn't dealing with a six year old
Replace "sense" with "feeling"
> mentality. The
> patterns and emotions weren't corresponding to that,
> nor what
Replace "what" with "were the"
> thoughts she could sense. More like a 13 or 14 year
Suggest: "They were more like a ..."
> old. Then
> again, the child was in a feline state of mind no
> less than an
> hour before, so the unexpected pattern might be
> intentional.
Suggest replacing "intentional" with "a side effect"
>
> Ranma shrugged. "Like I said, Pops is a idiot. He
> found this
> martial arts technique - the Nekoken - and decided
> to teach me in
Replace "teach" with "instruct"
> it. Training consisted of wrapping me in fish
> sausage and tossing
> me into a pit full of c-c-cats - repeatedly" The
Period after repeatedly.
> offhand tone it
> was spoken with would fool most.
would have fooled most.
>
> Eilsa wasn't one of them. "So... that would explain
> the injuries
> I found." The tone made it sound like a mystery
> solved
period after solved
>
> Ranma's expression was puzzled as she replied.
> "Injuries?"
>
> "Your body shows a horrific number of injuries.
> Your bones have
> so many healed breaks that I lost count - everything
> from your jaw
> to ribs to both your arms and legs - on several
> occasions. Or was
> that something else?" Her tone of voice matched her
> eyebrow's
> questioning stance.
>
> Ranma shrugged. "Eh, only scratches mostly from
> that. Lots of
> them, but can't recall any broken bones from it."
>
> "So where did the broken bones come from?"
>
> "Eh, training mostly, I guess." Ranma's casual
> attitude was
> beginning to scare the Jedi.
>
> "14 recently acquired hairline fractures of the
> skull from
> _training_?" The stress on the last word indicated
> to anyone
> aware that Eilsa's view on such training was...
> displeased to say
displeasure, extreme displeasure
> the least.
>
> "Huh. Those are new. Akane's work." Ranma's
> response was
> casual.
Suggest: "Ranma's response was once again casual."
>
> "And who is this Akane?" Eilsa's voice responded
> not showing the
> growing horror she was experiencing.
Suggest replacing experiencing with feeling
>
> "My fiancee." This offhand answer shut down Eilsa's
> mental
> processes for a second
>
> "Excuse me? As in a female intended?" Eilsa asked,
> confirming
> what she heard.
Suggest: "needing to confirm what she had just
heard."
>
> "Yup." An are you stupid tone, so typically
> teenager rattled the
so typical of a teenager
> adult across from Ranma more.
>
> She just _knew_ something was way off. She wasn't
> sure what she
> was asking, but she had the feeling she was missing
Suggest replacing "asking" with "looking for"
> something...
> and well... "How old are you?"
>
> "16"
>
> Eilsa blinked. She rose from the chair, saying,
> "I'll be back in
> a second. Have some snacks."
>
> Ranma nodded and started munching on the wafers she
> laid out.
>
> Eilsa returned after verifying that Ranma was human
> with her
> medical droid. "Care to explain how you're 16? My
> medical ...
> device indicated that you were at best 6, more than
> likely 5."
>
> "Well, that's a bit hard. You see, Ryogua found
> these mushrooms,
> and... " Ranma's voice washed over her, explaining
> the whole
> chain of events until. " After we accidentally
Remove until, put comma after events, and close up
that space
before After.
> destroyed the last
> of them, I couldn't take losing all the things I
> trained for. I'd
> hate the thought of having to do that training trip
> again..."
Well, since Ranma's gained an additional childhood, he
should
know that he can do things different, like taking a
training
trip without Genma. Besides, he hasn't lost
everything; he still
has his skill and all the techniques he learned. It's
just a matter
of growing up and getting his body back into shape.
And best of
all, since he's a kid, he's way too young to be
married!
>
> Eilsa blinked. Every word Ranma said rang with
> truth. Some of
> Ranma's words were self-serving statements
Replace "Ranma's words" with "them"
> certainly, but still
> truth. And it would explain the injuries.
true
> However...
>
> "I... find that hard to believe. Magic?" Eilsa
> couldn't keep
> disbelief out of her voice.
>
> "Got hot water?" Ranma enquired, smiling like she
inquired
> had a secret.
>
> ******
>
> Eilsa shook her head. She had to believe Ranma.
> Between the
> demonstrations she arranged and other things, it was
> all true. Of
> course, that was Ranma's point of view. She had to
> find the other
> point of view. Which means, time to investigate
Which meant, it was time to..
> Nerima. Not to
Nerima, and also, not to mention...
> mention figuring out why the same soul had two
> different levels of
> Force presence.
>
Pretty good take on the "Jedi takes
Ranma-as-a-kid-or-teen as a student." I missed the
original version, but this is a pretty interesting
read, problems with run-on sentences aside.
I encourage you to continue this and am looking
forward to reading chapter 1.
Dave Wong
a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"
Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html
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