DorianVal@aol.com
4th July 2006, 06:06 AM
Let's try this again...
Some brief thoughts on this.
First, the style is a bit plainer than I care for. It's not that I'm looking
for an imitation of Dunsany or Clark Ashton Smith - there are advantages to
a straightforward style - but the prose lacks heft. You gloss over things
that you should probably expend a little detail on, and spend reexplain concepts
you've all ready covered before (the Flame and the Void for example). Another
pass or two over the story could probably fix this, if you have the time and
patients.
Second, Harry jumped to the conclusion that he was wielding magic pretty too
pat for my taste. Never underestimate the human mind's ability to
rationalize things. Also, you have to remember that, besides being kept away from
'strangness' all his life, the Dursley's have ground into Harry that he's nothing
special - a practically worthless charity case. While this hasn't turned into
a quivering wreck, it's still probably has instilled a blindness in Harry's
eyes when it comes to self-assessment. I think Harry would need a few more
strange incidents, with him at their center and with each close on the heels of
the last, before deducing the truth.
However, I do like the idea of Harry experimenting on his own with magic,
forging his own way as he dabbles with his new found powers, but I also agree
with StudioPC in that you're making him a bit too uber - he's a kid who's been
playing with a power without guidence for a few years. Minor things like
small Jedi mind tricks or minor prestidigitaions may be all right, but a full
fledged teleport, or whatever Rowlings calls it? Too much. You also need to show
Harry falling on his face with some of his experiments, having them fizzle
or, even more interesting, backfire. Yes, Harry is suppose to have a lot of
innate talent, if I remember correctly, but that doesn't mean it's going to be
easy on him to harness it, especially if he's self-taught.
Also, in my opinion, Harry should be a bit more in awe of the world he's
been thrust in to. There's a huge difference between the fiction and the reality
of something. No amount of D&D and fantasy novels are going to make the
culture shock and the realities of Potter's magical world any less palpable and
real.
Some minor spelling errors here and there. Nothing a combing over won't fix.
For whatever it's worth,
Jeremy Harper
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Some brief thoughts on this.
First, the style is a bit plainer than I care for. It's not that I'm looking
for an imitation of Dunsany or Clark Ashton Smith - there are advantages to
a straightforward style - but the prose lacks heft. You gloss over things
that you should probably expend a little detail on, and spend reexplain concepts
you've all ready covered before (the Flame and the Void for example). Another
pass or two over the story could probably fix this, if you have the time and
patients.
Second, Harry jumped to the conclusion that he was wielding magic pretty too
pat for my taste. Never underestimate the human mind's ability to
rationalize things. Also, you have to remember that, besides being kept away from
'strangness' all his life, the Dursley's have ground into Harry that he's nothing
special - a practically worthless charity case. While this hasn't turned into
a quivering wreck, it's still probably has instilled a blindness in Harry's
eyes when it comes to self-assessment. I think Harry would need a few more
strange incidents, with him at their center and with each close on the heels of
the last, before deducing the truth.
However, I do like the idea of Harry experimenting on his own with magic,
forging his own way as he dabbles with his new found powers, but I also agree
with StudioPC in that you're making him a bit too uber - he's a kid who's been
playing with a power without guidence for a few years. Minor things like
small Jedi mind tricks or minor prestidigitaions may be all right, but a full
fledged teleport, or whatever Rowlings calls it? Too much. You also need to show
Harry falling on his face with some of his experiments, having them fizzle
or, even more interesting, backfire. Yes, Harry is suppose to have a lot of
innate talent, if I remember correctly, but that doesn't mean it's going to be
easy on him to harness it, especially if he's self-taught.
Also, in my opinion, Harry should be a bit more in awe of the world he's
been thrust in to. There's a huge difference between the fiction and the reality
of something. No amount of D&D and fantasy novels are going to make the
culture shock and the realities of Potter's magical world any less palpable and
real.
Some minor spelling errors here and there. Nothing a combing over won't fix.
For whatever it's worth,
Jeremy Harper
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins (AT) anifics (DOT) com |
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| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'