[FFML] [Ranma] [Xover] [AU] A New World

[Cute Neko Hibiki]

Ranma and Ryoga were walking down a road, and very close to their
destination.

"We're almost there Ryoga." said Ranma.

"Yeah." said Ryoga.

In a little while they passed through the city gate.

"We;re here Ryogaa! We made it! Yeah!" shouted Ranma.

"But where do we go to find the place we're looking for?" asked Ryoga.

"Let's ask that city guard." said Ranma pointing to a guard.

They walked up to the guard and asked her.

"Excuse me ma'aam? Do you know where the Church is?" asked Ranma.

The guard looked at them and said "The Church is that way." while
pointing to the other side of the city.

"Great, more walking." said Ryoga.

"Ah c'mon, we're almost there." said Ranma.

"You can take a cab." said the guard. Then she blinked. "Oh, and yeah,
welcome to Prontera, the capital city of our great Kingdom of
Rune-Midguard."

To Be Continued...



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[Peter Gallagher]

*sweatdrops* Erm... Right... Again with the framework thing. At least
this time you have a To Be Continued at the end of it. What you have here
isn't even an introduction. It's not obscenely horrible or anything, but it
isn't really good. You could try expanding upon your paragraphs.
On 6/28/06, Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks (AT) jam (DOT) rr.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> Ranma and Ryoga were walking down a road, and very close to their
> destination.


>They were walking down a road? What were the surroundings like? What did
it look like around there? What did it feel like? What could they hear,
smell and feel? Don't just tell us that they're walking down a road, show
us the road, make us feel like we're there.

"We're almost there Ryoga." said Ranma.
>
> "Yeah." said Ryoga.


>Dialogue, not much to comment on there, but you might want to give them
emotion. How did they feel as they were speaking, usually emotions affect
speech patterns or tones, show us that.

In a little while they passed through the city gate.


>See my comment about the road and apply it to the city gate. Describe the
gate in detail, but don't go into too much detail.

"We;re here Ryogaa! We made it! Yeah!" shouted Ranma.


>Erm, you added an extra a to Ryoga's name here, and it's the emotion thing
again. Yeah he seems like he's excited, but is he really?

"But where do we go to find the place we're looking for?" asked Ryoga.
>
> "Let's ask that city guard." said Ranma pointing to a guard.
>
> They walked up to the guard and asked her.


>Erm, well another show thing. Show us the guard, what she looks like and
whatnot.

"Excuse me ma'aam? Do you know where the Church is?" asked Ranma.
>
> The guard looked at them and said "The Church is that way." while
> pointing to the other side of the city.
>
> "Great, more walking." said Ryoga.
>
> "Ah c'mon, we're almost there." said Ranma.
>
> "You can take a cab." said the guard. Then she blinked. "Oh, and yeah,
> welcome to Prontera, the capital city of our great Kingdom of
> Rune-Midguard."
>
> To Be Continued...


>Not sure if I recognize the series you're crossing this with. Please
elaborate on it in your disclaimer when you post it.

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>
>
>
>
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--
"Evil is merely a perspective, one which is no longer of concern to me."



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