Jared Waddell
27th June 2006, 09:21 PM
Let's get the front matter out of the way first.
Ergo, 'front matter.'
The disclaimer is missing. Yes, I saw the later post. That helps... well
not really since I haven't read the material in question, which brings up
a point: Don't expect your audience to have photographic memory of every
series you are writing fanfiction for. The reader has to have some points
of reference clearly marked, and without these beacons of guidance, they
will be lost in your fog of prose, unable to derive plot or meaning.
Frightened people shoot first and ask questions later. Remember that.
Onward!
--- Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks (AT) jam (DOT) rr.com> wrote:
>
> "Ranma." said Genma Saotome in a grave voice. "Do you repent of
comma instead of period: "Ranma," said Genma Saotome
> this
> crime?"
>
> "No." said Ranma.
comma again: "No," said Ranma.
Use commas in quotation marks whenever you follow up with 'said
<character>' or similar. If the following sentence is describing the
character doing something, use a period.
example:
"No." Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from his
father.
>
> Genma got a sad look and said "I see. Then I have no choice." He
> turned
> to Happosai and said "Master, you may do with him as you wish."
See! Periods are perfect here.
>
> Happosai nodded and said "Ranma. You stand accused. How do you
comma after 'said'
see above notes
> plead
> now?"
>
> "Guilty, and unrepentant." said Ranma.
comma again.
Also, this is very close to canon Ranma, but... off. Not bad off, just
off.
>
> "Then you leave me no choice." said Happosai. "By my authority I
> cast
> you out of the Saotome family, the Tendo family, and Japan. You have
> three
> weeks to leave Japan, if you are still here you will be killed."
*Ahem!* wouldn't the POLICE have something to say about that?!
Okay, the explanation that came with the later disclaimer did kind of
make sense, but here's a piece of well-used writing advice: SHOW the
audience, do not TELL them.
In otherwords, there needs to be some introductory material showing the
reader WHO Happosai is in this story and the authority that he has over
Ranma. It doesn't have to be long (prologues to 500-page novels aren't,
yours do not need to be either), but this neesd to be shown first. In the
story. Not as a note at the beginning. The author's notes should not be
necessary to figure out who the characters are. Save them for boring the
audience and telling bad jokes. ;)
>
> Ranma nodded, gathered his things, and left.
>
again, painfully OOC without knowing about Happosai's position.
> ***
>
> "I've been exiled." Ranma told them.
commas throughout. I won't mention them again. Also, Ranma appears to be
talking to one person, so 'her' would suffice.
>
> "I see. There is nothing we can do. I'm sorry Ranma." she said.
>
> "Don't be sorry. It was my decision to do this. I will never repent
> of
> my loyalty." said Ranma.
The sixty-four-billion dollar question is 'why.' Why won't Ranma repent?
What has happened to him, what has he experienced, to instill in him this
conviction. If said conviction is taken for granted... I'll discuss that
angle below.
>
> "Yet your loyalty to me has cost you so much." she said.
>
> "You're worth it my Goddess." said Ranma.
>
> "But they have exiled you because you chose to worship me." she
> said.
>
> "I will never stop worshipping you my Goddess." said Ranma.
>
> "I feel responsible." she said.
>
> "I knew what would happen when I told them I have decided to
> worship
> only forever you." said Ranma.
>
> "I will reward you well for your loyalty Ranma." she said.
>
> "I need no reward, only your love." said Ranma.
>
> "You will always have that my priest. Go and spread my name among
> the
> other nations. I will always be with you, watching over you and
> protecting
> you, forever loving you." she said.
>
> "I will go at once dear Belldandy-sama." said Ranma.
>
> The End
>
typo. That should read 'To be Continued" ;P
All, as noted above, that sixty-four-billion dollar question still needs
to be addressed. Here we have a story where a number of things are
markedly different from canon before the first word of the story is read.
Written. Whatever. There's nothing wrong with this. The point of the
story, the 'ending,' if you will, is revealing Ranma's "crime."
This is where I have a problem with the story. It feels like we're at the
end without seeing the beginning, or the middle, a la "Fight Club," but
we never get to see the beginning, or the middle. If Ranma's conversation
with Belldandy is the big conclusion, the wrap-up, the climax and the
epilogue rolled into one, the reason de etre for this story... it
shouldn't take up more than half _of_ the story.
Again, my suggestion is to make this the prologue to something epic.
But that's just my suggestion.
*whistles innocently*
What?
Later,
Rick Spiff
"Never take a hit, never fire a shot, and you will stand alone and
undefeated in the end; that is the way of the pacifist." - Heard after a
grueling SSBM match.
"To fight is to die. That is why we fight." - Uknown.
__________________________________________________
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Ergo, 'front matter.'
The disclaimer is missing. Yes, I saw the later post. That helps... well
not really since I haven't read the material in question, which brings up
a point: Don't expect your audience to have photographic memory of every
series you are writing fanfiction for. The reader has to have some points
of reference clearly marked, and without these beacons of guidance, they
will be lost in your fog of prose, unable to derive plot or meaning.
Frightened people shoot first and ask questions later. Remember that.
Onward!
--- Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks (AT) jam (DOT) rr.com> wrote:
>
> "Ranma." said Genma Saotome in a grave voice. "Do you repent of
comma instead of period: "Ranma," said Genma Saotome
> this
> crime?"
>
> "No." said Ranma.
comma again: "No," said Ranma.
Use commas in quotation marks whenever you follow up with 'said
<character>' or similar. If the following sentence is describing the
character doing something, use a period.
example:
"No." Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from his
father.
>
> Genma got a sad look and said "I see. Then I have no choice." He
> turned
> to Happosai and said "Master, you may do with him as you wish."
See! Periods are perfect here.
>
> Happosai nodded and said "Ranma. You stand accused. How do you
comma after 'said'
see above notes
> plead
> now?"
>
> "Guilty, and unrepentant." said Ranma.
comma again.
Also, this is very close to canon Ranma, but... off. Not bad off, just
off.
>
> "Then you leave me no choice." said Happosai. "By my authority I
> cast
> you out of the Saotome family, the Tendo family, and Japan. You have
> three
> weeks to leave Japan, if you are still here you will be killed."
*Ahem!* wouldn't the POLICE have something to say about that?!
Okay, the explanation that came with the later disclaimer did kind of
make sense, but here's a piece of well-used writing advice: SHOW the
audience, do not TELL them.
In otherwords, there needs to be some introductory material showing the
reader WHO Happosai is in this story and the authority that he has over
Ranma. It doesn't have to be long (prologues to 500-page novels aren't,
yours do not need to be either), but this neesd to be shown first. In the
story. Not as a note at the beginning. The author's notes should not be
necessary to figure out who the characters are. Save them for boring the
audience and telling bad jokes. ;)
>
> Ranma nodded, gathered his things, and left.
>
again, painfully OOC without knowing about Happosai's position.
> ***
>
> "I've been exiled." Ranma told them.
commas throughout. I won't mention them again. Also, Ranma appears to be
talking to one person, so 'her' would suffice.
>
> "I see. There is nothing we can do. I'm sorry Ranma." she said.
>
> "Don't be sorry. It was my decision to do this. I will never repent
> of
> my loyalty." said Ranma.
The sixty-four-billion dollar question is 'why.' Why won't Ranma repent?
What has happened to him, what has he experienced, to instill in him this
conviction. If said conviction is taken for granted... I'll discuss that
angle below.
>
> "Yet your loyalty to me has cost you so much." she said.
>
> "You're worth it my Goddess." said Ranma.
>
> "But they have exiled you because you chose to worship me." she
> said.
>
> "I will never stop worshipping you my Goddess." said Ranma.
>
> "I feel responsible." she said.
>
> "I knew what would happen when I told them I have decided to
> worship
> only forever you." said Ranma.
>
> "I will reward you well for your loyalty Ranma." she said.
>
> "I need no reward, only your love." said Ranma.
>
> "You will always have that my priest. Go and spread my name among
> the
> other nations. I will always be with you, watching over you and
> protecting
> you, forever loving you." she said.
>
> "I will go at once dear Belldandy-sama." said Ranma.
>
> The End
>
typo. That should read 'To be Continued" ;P
All, as noted above, that sixty-four-billion dollar question still needs
to be addressed. Here we have a story where a number of things are
markedly different from canon before the first word of the story is read.
Written. Whatever. There's nothing wrong with this. The point of the
story, the 'ending,' if you will, is revealing Ranma's "crime."
This is where I have a problem with the story. It feels like we're at the
end without seeing the beginning, or the middle, a la "Fight Club," but
we never get to see the beginning, or the middle. If Ranma's conversation
with Belldandy is the big conclusion, the wrap-up, the climax and the
epilogue rolled into one, the reason de etre for this story... it
shouldn't take up more than half _of_ the story.
Again, my suggestion is to make this the prologue to something epic.
But that's just my suggestion.
*whistles innocently*
What?
Later,
Rick Spiff
"Never take a hit, never fire a shot, and you will stand alone and
undefeated in the end; that is the way of the pacifist." - Heard after a
grueling SSBM match.
"To fight is to die. That is why we fight." - Uknown.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins (AT) anifics (DOT) com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request (AT) anifics (DOT) com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'