[FFML] [AYA] Wild, Wild East - Chapter 2 - Arrested Developments

[GL Sandborn]

More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
really needs it.

************************************************** ********************

This story has been written without the knowledge or approval of Kou
Fumizuki - Hakusensha/ AIAO Project and Pioneer Animation. It is for
the enjoyment of Ai Yori Aoshi fans and written with respect for its
original creators and copyright holders.

************************************************** ********************




The Wild, Wild East
By G.L. Sandborn


2 Arrested Developments


Tina sighed contentedly. It was certainly
comfortable in her futon this morning. All warm and
snuggly, she could almost convince herself to stay in bed
a little longer. She couldn't remember her futon being
so comfortable. Of course, after stopping at her
favorite bar on the way home from work last night, she
really couldn't remember much of anything.
Snuggling back against the source of additional
warmth. Whatever it was, it felt firm and cozy. A
contented sigh escaped her lips as she tucked the
comforter closer around her body and wiggled her butt to
find the perfect position.
She was just dozing off when a soft groan sounded
almost in her ear. That wasn't right. The groan
certainly didn't come from her.
Slowly, she reached behind her. Her fingers brushed
against soft fabric before encountering what could only
be a firm, warm body.
In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
her bed. Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
lump still under the comforter. Who or what was in her
bed?
She tried to think back to what happened the night
before. She remembered being in a small bar with some
guy, maybe an American. At least, he spoke English like
an American. She recalled that much.
Pulling her rumpled nightshirt tighter around her
chest, she blinked and tried to remember what happened
after that. As hard as she tried, it always came back to
that black hole in what should have been a critical part
of her evening. There were lots of drinks, a few noisy
patrons, fowl-smelling cigarette smoke hanging heavily in
the air, and a quiet but generous companion buying the
drinks. Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
them ?
Her eyes went wide. She couldn't have. Even drunk,
she wouldn't have brought a man home to her bed.
Her hand shook as she again reached for the
comforter. Terrified that he was one of those 'closing
time Romeos' she had heard so much about, she swallowed
hard and gripped the cover. Slowly lifting it as she
bent her head over to see better.
"Oh, it's you," she mumbled in relief, dropping the
comforter and sitting back on her shapely butt. Like the
mist evaporating in the morning, the previous night's
activities came slowly into focus.
The bar. The reason she was there had more to do
with caution than celebration. She shook her head and
blew out a deep breath. They had ducked into the bar to
make certain they weren't being followed. When Steven
told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
drink the place dry. The fact he kept paying for the
drinks only meant she could make a serious run at doing
just that.
Once he was satisfied they were no longer being
followed, he helped her back out to the street. She
remembered how the cool evening air made the alcohol buzz
in her head just a little better than on a warm night.
They hadn't gone far before HE passed out. Probably from
loss of blood or shock or something, she remembered
thinking. It certainly wasn't from his drinking. He had
barely touched the one she insisted he have. In any
case, it wasn't easy getting him home. He kept passing
out. She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.
They would have probably made better time that way.
Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
She was still deciding what to do with him when she
heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying to open
it.
The door slowly opened on squeaky hinges. In a
flash, the futon seemed to erupt, the comforter flying
one way and Steven the other. There was a loud 'click'
and everything in the room seemed to freeze.
Taeko Minazuki found herself nose-to-business end of
Steven's handgun. Her eyes quickly filled her glasses
and then crossed to look directly down the barrel. Her
mouth dropped open allowing a tiny squeak to escape. The
pile of Tina's freshly washed laundry tumbled from her
arms. Before Tina could say or do anything, Taeko
stumbled backwards, landing on her butt, her mouth
working but nothing coming out but a few random squeaks.
Eventually, one unearthly screech worked its way free as
the girl scrambled on all fours down the hall towards the
nearest exit.
"Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
fresh blood trickled down his left arm. The sound of the
servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
down the hallway.
"That," Tina said, pointing to the now empty
doorway, "was our maid, Taeko." Tina surveyed the
disorderly pile that only moments before had been her
neatly folded clean clothes. "And what's with sticking
that cannon of yours in her face?"
Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
business can't be too careful." He blinked and shook his
head like he was trying to clear his vision. "I think...
I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
Tina's formally clean laundry.
"I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
heavy sigh.

Fifteen minutes later, after much confusion and
running around, Steve Hunter's unconscious body was
resting on the couch in the mansion's living room. Aoi
knelt next to him, pacing a cool, wet cloth on his head.
She approached her task with all the care and concern she
had often shown others in their little impromptu
'family.' Kaoru frowned at the stranger from behind the
couch looking like a man unsure of just where he should
be. Taeko, now recovered from her fright, had no such
uncertainties. She hovered nervously in a nearby corner,
apparently convinced the man was going to spring off the
couch and poke that pistol in her nose again.
"Miss Tina!" Miyabi Kagurazaki scolded in her best
schoolteacher voice. "How could you bring a strange man
into this house? Do you realize the danger to Lady Aoi,
not to mention the rest of us? You don't know a thing
about him."
"He tried to shoot me," Taeko whined.
"It was probably an accident. I doubt Tina would do
anything to place our lives in danger," Kaoru said with
an expression that suggested he had questions as well.
"Well..." Tina half-turned away from Kaoru,
blushing madly. Her index fingers nervously circled each
other as she tried to think of how to explain Steven.
"Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
there is a logical explanation."
Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
direction. Her tale came in a single rush of words. "I
was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
exhibit only when I went to get it, I found a bunch of
guys shooting at each other and they would have shot me
but this man saved my life but got shot in the process
and we had to make a run for it until we got to my
favorite hiding place in the tunnels under the zoo where
I bandaged his arm and he told me he was a government
agent so I brought him here."
A heavy silence fell over the room, as if her
audience was trying to digest her story. It was the kind
of tale guaranteed to give a person heartburn.
"There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
had a reasonable explanation."
"You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
"Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
as the truth itself."
Kaoru started to say something but hesitated as if
trying to make some sense of what his fiancee had said.
Miyabi, however, shook her head. "Whatever the
case, he's here now and we need to deal with that. First
of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
and held it up. "Got it right here," she said with
pride.
"Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
"Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
at Kaoru.
The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling. Aoi
covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
corner.
"Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
out of Tina's limp hand.
"Ooops," Tina said weakly, looking at the ceiling
and squinting to see where the bullet had gone. "I
wonder where it went."
"Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
is directly above this room."
Tina tried a nervous giggle but it wasn't working.
Miyabi glared at her like she was considering how long it
would take to throw all of Tina's valuables along with
the girl herself out on the lawn.
"I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine
like a veteran. "In the mean time, we need to consider
what to do with your Mr. Hunter."
"Maybe we should turn him over to the police," Kaoru
said, helping the groggy Taeko to her feet.
"Or take him to a hospital," Aoi added. "His arm is
still bleeding."
"Improper first aid," Miyabi said flatly, casting a
frown Tina's way. "We can take care of his arm but I'm
not certain turning him over to the police is such a good
idea."
"Why?" Kaoru asked, leading the still trembling
Taeko back over to the group.
"A police investigation would surely mention Lady
Aoi. That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
Group. We must avoid that at all costs."
"Then " Kaoru's voice faded as he considered what
they could do that wouldn't involve Aoi's family name.
Miyabi, however, had her own ideas. "Miss Tina,
since you are the one responsible for Mr. Hunter being
here, he is your responsibility. He will be moved to
your room where he will remain until well enough to leave
on his own."
Tina was about to complain about the unfairness of
it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
steely glare. "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
She really didn't want to share a room with a man. Well,
she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
reasonable option.
"In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
this horrible weapon." She held his pistol between two
fingers like it was a dirty diaper. "Lady Aoi will
properly bind his wound. Miss Minazuki will assist her.
Miss Tina will clean the mess he made back in the other
building."
"What should I do?" Kaoru asked. Tina desperately
wanted to suggest he go with her but knew Miss Manager
wasn't in the mood to take suggestions.
"You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
roof."
With a sigh, Tina turned towards her room. It
wasn't her fault the big goof drew a gun on their maid.
Sure, she knew he HAD a gun but who knew he'd use it on
Taeko? It was all so unfair.
It took almost an hour to clean her room, put the
servants' quarters door back on its track and tidy up the
hallway. She even spent a little time cleaning herself
up before returning to the main house.
She noticed right away that Steven was no longer on
the couch in the living room. Curious, she followed the
sounds in the kitchen but found only Aoi and Taeko busy
preparing breakfast.
"You guys need any help?" she offered, hoping it
would somehow make them forget her error in judgment.
"No but thank you for offering," Aoi replied as she
gently flipped over a small omelette in the skillet.
"You can set the table, if you like."
Eager to do anything to get back in everyone's good
graces, Tina started pulling plates off the shelf. "By
the way, when did you move Mr. Hunter to another room?"
she asked, almost as if in passing.
Aoi and Taeko froze before slowly looking at each
other. "We didn't," Aoi said, her eyes wide with
surprise.
"Then..." Tina set the plates back on the counter
and frowned at the living room.
Three heads poked around the corner of the doorway
to see an empty couch and no sign of Mr. Hunter. They
slowly retreated back inside the kitchen.
"Where did he go?" Aoi asked in a hushed voice.
"Maybe he's stalking around somewhere in the house,"
Taeko added, her balled fists held in front of her face.
"What are you guys doing?" Kaoru's voice from the
stairs caused the three girls to squeal in fright, each
striking a startled pose. When Tina saw who it was, she
sagged against the kitchen wall in relief. Aoi
practically ran to Kaoru's side, quickly followed by
Taeko. Kaoru found himself sandwiched between two
trembling young ladies.
"Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to
another room," Aoi gasped, her wide eyes begging for an
answer.
"I was upstairs helping Miss Miyabi. Is he
missing?" Kaoru glanced around the living room
confirming their unwanted 'guest' was indeed absent.
"He's gone," came Miyabi's voice from the top of the
stairs. "I saw him slip out the servant's door and run
into the trees behind the house."
Aoi and Taeko released Karou with obvious relief
before shyly returning to the kitchen. Tina sighed and
shook her head. "He probably didn't know I lived here.
All he saw was the room I live in and he didn't get a
very good look at anything last night because he kept
passing out on me."
"In any case, it is just as well he is gone."
Miyabi descended the stairs, herding Kaoru ahead of her.
"It solves our problem about what to do with him."

Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.
While everyone was relieved that the strange American was
gone, it was difficult to banish the horrible thought
that he might just come back.
Tina called in sick to work, figuring that way she
would avoid having to answer any questions about what
happened and why there were so many dead bodies back in
the Animal Waste Recovery Facility. The one under the
pile of poop would have been tough enough. The ones with
bullet wounds would have been impossible.
The day passed quickly for Tina. She helped Taeko
clean house and then cleaned again after the girl's
multiple accidents. Aoi in particular seemed happy to
have the extra help.
By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
and nothing more would come from the incident.
After dinner, while Taeko and Aoi cleaned the
dishes, Tina convinced Kaoru to join her on the couch to
watch a little television. There was a particular nature
show she was anxious for him to see because it was filmed
in the same general area where she had been taking
pictures three years ago.
"Do you like sitting together like this on the
sofa?" she asked, sliding lightly against him. Teasing
Kaoru was one of the side benefits of living there. He
always blushed in such a cute way.
"Uh... sure, Tina." Kaoru wiggled a bit as if to
gain a little breathing room, something Tina wasn't going
to let happen.
She was just snuggling against Kaoru's arm when her
show was interrupted by a news flash.
"We have further information in the area's top story
tonight," the reporter said with a grave expression.
"Yesterday's shootout at the Nageyama Zoo left five
people dead, one American and four yet unidentified men.
Police are still investigating the incident and are
anxious to interview one of the zoo employees." Tina's
zoo employee photograph filled the screen. "Police wish
to talk to this woman, Tina Foster, an American living in
Japan who was known to be in the area when the shootout
occurred. She has not been seen since. We will have
more information as the story develops."
Tina and Kaoru sat frozen on the sofa, their eyes
wide.
"But I didn't do anything," Tina gasped before
throwing her arms around Kaoru's neck and burying her
face in his chest. She couldn't control her trembling.
Being a gaijin wanted by the police was the worst thing
that could happen to her in Japan.
She felt a soothing hand on her trembling shoulder.
"The reporter said they just want to ask you a few
questions. I'm sure you're not in any trouble. After
all, you said all you did was escape the shooting. You
couldn't help it if that man forced you."
Tina's head shot up, her relief clear. "Yes, that's
it. I was forced by that horrible man to help him escape
the guys who killed his partner. How was I to know he's
a secret agent for the Americans?"
"Uh... Tina. I don't think you should tell them all
that," Kaoru replied, still patting her shoulder.
They both flinched when the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," Miyabi said as she descended the
stairs. She quickly crossed to the door and opened it.
For a few moments she just stared at three large men in
suits. "Can I help you?"
One of the men held up a picture of Tina. "Police.
Is she here?"
Miyabi fought a grimace at the man's bad Japanese,
reminding herself that policemen often came from the
lower classes and probably didn't do well in school.
"Yes," she replied in an even voice. When none of
the men responded, she asked, "Should I get her?"
"Yes," the man with the picture said.
Tina slowly disengaged herself from Kaoru's arms and
drifted towards the door, her face downcast. She glanced
up a couple of times but only noticed that the two other
men looked like attack dogs anxious to be let loose.
Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
the large room with her hand.
"No, we are taking her to..." The first man's voice
trailed off like he was searching for the proper words.
"Headquarters," one of the other men finished.
"Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
"Questioned," the other man corrected.
"Questioned, yes. Only questioned, nothing else.
No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"
He was stopped by the other man jabbing him in the
ribs. "Questioned. That is all."
Miyabi eyed the men with obvious suspicion. "I
see," she said slowly. Her eyes went from the frightened
Tina to the three expressionless men and back again, like
she was deciding how best to handle this considering her
primary responsibility to Lady Aoi.
"I'll go," Tina said in a soft voice. "I've already
caused you enough trouble."
"Don't worry, Tina," Kaoru said as he came up behind
her. "You'll be home in no time. Just tell them the
truth."
Tina forced a sad smile his way, her hand rising as
if to touch him only to be quickly snatched away. "Let's
go," she said, starting for the doorway. The man in the
middle stepped back to make room for her to pass.

As the four trudged towards a waiting car, Miyabi
slowly shut the door and frowned.
"What's the matter?" Kaoru asked.
Miyabi glanced at him and at Lady Aoi, standing just
outside the kitchen holding a hand over her mouth in
shock. "I'm not sure," she finally admitted. "This
whole episode is most unusual."
"How do you mean?" Kaoru leaned over to look out
one of the windows at the darkness, trying to pick out
Tina's blond head among the three massive policemen
hovering over her. "The police just want to ask her a
few questions. I guess it is only proper they do that
down at the police station."
"That's just it," Miyabi replied with a frown.
"Those policemen acted in a most unusual manner."
"How?" Aoi asked as she drifted towards the same
window Kaoru was looking through.
"Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
men didn't even ask about her card."
"Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
Kaoru's arm.
"I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
this," Miyabi replied.


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[The Eternal Lost Lurker]

> 2 Arrested Developments

Tina's boobs in handcuffs?

> Pulling her rumpled nightshirt tighter around her
> chest, she blinked and tried to remember what happened
> after that. As hard as she tried, it always came back to
> that black hole in what should have been a critical part
> of her evening. There were lots of drinks, a few noisy
> patrons, fowl-smelling cigarette smoke hanging heavily in

Gotta hate cigarette smoke that smells like poultry...

> The bar. The reason she was there had more to do
> with caution than celebration. She shook her head and
> blew out a deep breath. They had ducked into the bar to
> make certain they weren't being followed. When Steven
> told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
> drink the place dry.

Heh.

> barely touched the one she insisted he have. In any
> case, it wasn't easy getting him home. He kept passing
> out. She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.

Better than him throwing up over her shoulder.

> Eventually, one unearthly screech worked its way free as
> the girl scrambled on all fours down the hall towards the
> nearest exit.

Doesn't handle stress well, that one...poor Tae-chin...

> Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
> business can't be too careful." He blinked and shook his
> head like he was trying to clear his vision. "I think...
> I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
> head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
> Tina's formally clean laundry.

Which is now informally dirty.

> "There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
> had a reasonable explanation."
> "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
> "Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
> what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
> as the truth itself."

*SNRK*

> Miyabi, however, shook her head. "Whatever the
> case, he's here now and we need to deal with that. First
> of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
> Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
> and held it up. "Got it right here," she said with
> pride.

O_o;;

> "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
> at Kaoru.

Misfire accident in 2...1...

> The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
> when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling.

*smirk*

> "A police investigation would surely mention Lady
> Aoi. That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
> Group. We must avoid that at all costs."

Ever the pragmatic one, that Miyabi...

> "Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to

Kaoru-sama, maybe?

> "Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
> "Questioned," the other man corrected.
> "Questioned, yes. Only questioned, nothing else.
> No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"

XD

> "Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
> ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
> And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
> the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
> paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
> men didn't even ask about her card."
> "Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
> Kaoru's arm.
> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
> this," Miyabi replied.

No kidding...

The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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[David McMillan]

GL Sandborn wrote:

> More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
> really needs it.

Well, if you *insist* (and I've got some time to spare)....

> Slowly, she reached behind her. Her fingers brushed
> against soft fabric before encountering what could only
> be a firm, warm body.

Could be worse. Like a cold, rigid body. Or a squishy, slimy one.

> In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
> knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
> her bed. Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
> lump still under the comforter. Who or what was in her
> bed?

Given Tina's drinking habits in the anime, I suppose this was
inevitable. Although, given the events of the previous chapter, this is
obviously the opening of a bait&switch.

> drinks. Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
> Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
> them ?

Seems to be a missing ellipsis here.

> Her eyes went wide. She couldn't have. Even drunk,
> she wouldn't have brought a man home to her bed.

Well, maybe this'll teach her.

> blew out a deep breath. They had ducked into the bar to
> make certain they weren't being followed. When Steven
> told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
> drink the place dry. The fact he kept paying for the

...naturally.

> drinks only meant she could make a serious run at doing
> just that.
> Once he was satisfied they were no longer being
> followed, he helped her back out to the street. She
> remembered how the cool evening air made the alcohol buzz
> in her head just a little better than on a warm night.
> They hadn't gone far before HE passed out. Probably from
> loss of blood or shock or something, she remembered
> thinking. It certainly wasn't from his drinking. He had
> barely touched the one she insisted he have. In any
> case, it wasn't easy getting him home. He kept passing
> out. She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.
> They would have probably made better time that way.

Girl can certainly hold her booze, I'll give her that.

> Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
> quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
> still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
> over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
> How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.

He's a thermovore.

> She was still deciding what to do with him when she
> heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying to open
> it.

Sug: "rattle as someone turned it from the other side"

> The door slowly opened on squeaky hinges. In a
> flash, the futon seemed to erupt, the comforter flying
> one way and Steven the other. There was a loud 'click'
> and everything in the room seemed to freeze.

Hmph. *Real* secret agents have their safeties modded so that they
don't make audible noise.
...what? I hang out with a passle of gunsmiths.

> Taeko Minazuki found herself nose-to-business end of
> Steven's handgun. Her eyes quickly filled her glasses
> and then crossed to look directly down the barrel. Her
> mouth dropped open allowing a tiny squeak to escape. The
> pile of Tina's freshly washed laundry tumbled from her
> arms. Before Tina could say or do anything, Taeko
> stumbled backwards, landing on her butt, her mouth

There's an awful lot of 'butt' action going on in just the first two
pages. Then again, given the canon material....
I'm almost surprised she didn't manage to knock *him* down, or knock
over a bookcase, or something.

> "Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
> fresh blood trickled down his left arm. The sound of the
> servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
> down the hallway.

Should be servants' quarters' (or quarters's, I'm not sure). Darned
English. I dunno, maybe just "outside door" or something would work
better.

> I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
> head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
> Tina's formally clean laundry.
> "I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
> heavy sigh.

What, getting blood on her clothes? :)

> Fifteen minutes later, after much confusion and
> running around, Steve Hunter's unconscious body was

If it's in Japan, is it still a Chinese fire drill? :)

> resting on the couch in the mansion's living room. Aoi
> knelt next to him, pacing a cool, wet cloth on his head.
> She approached her task with all the care and concern she
> had often shown others in their little impromptu
> 'family.' Kaoru frowned at the stranger from behind the

Heh. "Impromptu family" -- that's one of the big things that makes me
have a soft spot for AYA, despite my general disinterest in the harem genre.

> "It was probably an accident. I doubt Tina would do
> anything to place our lives in danger," Kaoru said with
> an expression that suggested he had questions as well.

Sug: "said, though his expression suggested"

> "Well..." Tina half-turned away from Kaoru,
> blushing madly. Her index fingers nervously circled each
> other as she tried to think of how to explain Steven.
> "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
> stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of

Sug: "Folding her hands in front of her (waist? Obi?), she..."

> her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
> there is a logical explanation."

Oboy. There's a setup if I ever heard one.

> Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
> direction. Her tale came in a single rush of words. "I
> was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
> me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
> exhibit only when I went to get it, I found a bunch of
> guys shooting at each other and they would have shot me
> but this man saved my life but got shot in the process
> and we had to make a run for it until we got to my
> favorite hiding place in the tunnels under the zoo where
> I bandaged his arm and he told me he was a government
> agent so I brought him here."

Aside from being recorded at 23&1/2 and played back at 33&1/3, that's
actually not too bad for a quick recap.

> A heavy silence fell over the room, as if her
> audience was trying to digest her story. It was the kind
> of tale guaranteed to give a person heartburn.
> "There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
> had a reasonable explanation."

Well, you asked for it.

> "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
> "Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
> what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
> as the truth itself."

"Of course not." <SNORK!>
I love Aoi. She manages innocence w/o naivete. And niceness w/o being
wishy-washy.

> Kaoru started to say something but hesitated as if
> trying to make some sense of what his fiancee had said.

Mmm... Sug: "Kaoru opened his mouth as if to reply, then closed it
again, looking like a man trying to work out a logic puzzle."

> Miyabi, however, shook her head. "Whatever the
> case, he's here now and we need to deal with that. First
> of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
> Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
> and held it up. "Got it right here," she said with
> pride.

Here's the windup... (although it makes a *bit* more sense for a girl
to do that, than a guy)

> "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.

And the pitch...

> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
> at Kaoru.

swing...

> The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
> when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling. Aoi

And it's a home run hit straight over the center field fence.
Well, so much for *that* stereotype. They may pull her Texas
citizenship for this, though...

> covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
> his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
> corner.

<snerk>

> "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
> out of Tina's limp hand.

Oooh, Miyabi's *exercised* -- her diction is slipping.

> "Ooops," Tina said weakly, looking at the ceiling
> and squinting to see where the bullet had gone. "I
> wonder where it went."
> "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
> is directly above this room."

<ROTFL>

> Tina tried a nervous giggle but it wasn't working.

That's okay, it's working for *me*.

> Miyabi glared at her like she was considering how long it

Sug: "calculating". It's more Miyabi-ish.
And "like she was" would probably work better as "as if she were".
Although if you're going for a Tina-ish narrational 'voice' here,
tight-third-person style, the looser language is workable.

> would take to throw all of Tina's valuables along with
> the girl herself out on the lawn.
> "I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
> growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine

I am terribly intrigued by the question of where she learned this. No
doubt, the answer is downright fascinating.
PS: there's still one up the spout.

> like a veteran. "In the mean time, we need to consider
> what to do with your Mr. Hunter."
> "Maybe we should turn him over to the police," Kaoru
> said, helping the groggy Taeko to her feet.
> "Or take him to a hospital," Aoi added. "His arm is
> still bleeding."
> "Improper first aid," Miyabi said flatly, casting a
> frown Tina's way. "We can take care of his arm but I'm

Tina: "Well, exCUSE me! My first-aid course didn't inlcude bullet
wounds!"
Miyabi: "I thought you were from Texas?"
Tina: "...okay, I was hung over that day...."

> not certain turning him over to the police is such a good
> idea."
> "Why?" Kaoru asked, leading the still trembling
> Taeko back over to the group.

Reputation, most likely.

> "A police investigation would surely mention Lady
> Aoi. That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
> Group. We must avoid that at all costs."

Called it.
"So, we have to kill him. The mansion maintenance supplies include a
small Bobcat backhoe and a generous amoutn of quicklime for just such an
eventuality."
I know, I know, but can't you just *hear* her saying it?

> "Then " Kaoru's voice faded as he considered what

Something is stripping out your ellipses, AFAICT.

> they could do that wouldn't involve Aoi's family name.
> Miyabi, however, had her own ideas. "Miss Tina,
> since you are the one responsible for Mr. Hunter being
> here, he is your responsibility. He will be moved to
> your room where he will remain until well enough to leave
> on his own."
> Tina was about to complain about the unfairness of

It's not really unfair, IMO, but try telling TINA that.

> it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
> steely glare. "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
> She really didn't want to share a room with a man. Well,
> she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
> reasonable option.

Oh, yeah, I'm thinking like an American. Miyabi's concern for
propriety really does begin and end with Aoi (and perhaps Kaoru, by
extension). Then again, maybe she's parochial enough to think that the
American girl won't have the same qualms as a Japanese girl would.
Or, most likely she's just indulging in this fortunate intersection
between good tactics and a chance at some payback.

> "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
> towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
> to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
> this horrible weapon." She held his pistol between two
> fingers like it was a dirty diaper. "Lady Aoi will

Mmm... it's a bit inconsistent for someone who handles a gun as well as
she does to treat it with this much contempt. And even if she *does*
hate the things, holding it like that is still a violation of firearm
safety -- I'd expect her to be trained better than that.

> properly bind his wound. Miss Minazuki will assist her.

Aoi knows how to treat gunshot wounds? O_O
Well, penetrating trauma *is* penetrating trauma.

> Miss Tina will clean the mess he made back in the other
> building."
> "What should I do?" Kaoru asked. Tina desperately
> wanted to suggest he go with her but knew Miss Manager
> wasn't in the mood to take suggestions.
> "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If

Sug: "You had best", or something. Miyabi usually seems to have very
precise diction, except when she's *really* worked up.

> that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
> office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
> roof."

And the exterior door for the servants' quarters needs fixing too.

> It took almost an hour to clean her room, put the
> servants' quarters door back on its track and tidy up the
> hallway. She even spent a little time cleaning herself
> up before returning to the main house.
> She noticed right away that Steven was no longer on
> the couch in the living room. Curious, she followed the

Cue "Jaws" music.

> sounds in the kitchen but found only Aoi and Taeko busy
> preparing breakfast.
> "You guys need any help?" she offered, hoping it
> would somehow make them forget her error in judgment.

Heh heh. Penitent Tina. Cute image.

> "No but thank you for offering," Aoi replied as she
> gently flipped over a small omelette in the skillet.
> "You can set the table, if you like."
> Eager to do anything to get back in everyone's good
> graces, Tina started pulling plates off the shelf. "By
> the way, when did you move Mr. Hunter to another room?"
> she asked, almost as if in passing.

Cue "Psycho" music.

> Aoi and Taeko froze before slowly looking at each
> other. "We didn't," Aoi said, her eyes wide with
> surprise.
> "Then..." Tina set the plates back on the counter
> and frowned at the living room.
> Three heads poked around the corner of the doorway

<snicker> Kawaii.

> to see an empty couch and no sign of Mr. Hunter. They
> slowly retreated back inside the kitchen.
> "Where did he go?" Aoi asked in a hushed voice.
> "Maybe he's stalking around somewhere in the house,"
> Taeko added, her balled fists held in front of her face.
> "What are you guys doing?" Kaoru's voice from the

"AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"

> stairs caused the three girls to squeal in fright, each
> striking a startled pose. When Tina saw who it was, she
> sagged against the kitchen wall in relief. Aoi
> practically ran to Kaoru's side, quickly followed by
> Taeko. Kaoru found himself sandwiched between two
> trembling young ladies.

...such a *terrible* burden to bear.

> "Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to

Was that supposed to be "Kaoru-sama," or is Aoi babbling in fast-forward?

> another room," Aoi gasped, her wide eyes begging for an
> answer.
> "I was upstairs helping Miss Miyabi. Is he
> missing?" Kaoru glanced around the living room
> confirming their unwanted 'guest' was indeed absent.

I say we dust off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to
be sure.

> "He's gone," came Miyabi's voice from the top of the
> stairs. "I saw him slip out the servant's door and run
> into the trees behind the house."

Ah, well, that means everything's over, then. Right?
Right?
Wait a second, there's still around 30% of this chapter left.
Uh oh.

> Aoi and Taeko released Karou with obvious relief
> before shyly returning to the kitchen. Tina sighed and
> shook her head. "He probably didn't know I lived here.
> All he saw was the room I live in and he didn't get a
> very good look at anything last night because he kept
> passing out on me."
> "In any case, it is just as well he is gone."
> Miyabi descended the stairs, herding Kaoru ahead of her.
> "It solves our problem about what to do with him."
>
> Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.

If it's not a "Tina voice" thing, I'd suggest "much more quietly"

> While everyone was relieved that the strange American was
> gone, it was difficult to banish the horrible thought
> that he might just come back.

Oh, c'mon, he's not so bad. He saved Tina's life, after all.
Miyabi: "You're not helping your case."
Tina: "HEY!"

> Tina called in sick to work, figuring that way she
> would avoid having to answer any questions about what
> happened and why there were so many dead bodies back in
> the Animal Waste Recovery Facility. The one under the

Yeah, I always call in sick when that comes up too.

> pile of poop would have been tough enough. The ones with
> bullet wounds would have been impossible.

Never hid a body under manure before. Have to remember that for future
reference.

> The day passed quickly for Tina. She helped Taeko
> clean house and then cleaned again after the girl's
> multiple accidents. Aoi in particular seemed happy to
> have the extra help.

Sug: "She helped Taeko clean house, mostly by performing damage
control in the maid's wake."

> By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
> dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
> that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
> and nothing more would come from the incident.

Where did that thunder come from?

> After dinner, while Taeko and Aoi cleaned the
> dishes, Tina convinced Kaoru to join her on the couch to
> watch a little television. There was a particular nature
> show she was anxious for him to see because it was filmed
> in the same general area where she had been taking
> pictures three years ago.

"Ooh! I got drunk in that bar. And that village has the best
'moonshine' for fifty miles. And those critters are pretty tasty with
ketchup..."

> "Do you like sitting together like this on the
> sofa?" she asked, sliding lightly against him. Teasing
> Kaoru was one of the side benefits of living there. He
> always blushed in such a cute way.
> "Uh... sure, Tina." Kaoru wiggled a bit as if to
> gain a little breathing room, something Tina wasn't going
> to let happen.

"'Personal space'? What's that?"

> She was just snuggling against Kaoru's arm when her
> show was interrupted by a news flash.
> "We have further information in the area's top story
> tonight," the reporter said with a grave expression.
> "Yesterday's shootout at the Nageyama Zoo left five
> people dead, one American and four yet unidentified men.
> Police are still investigating the incident and are
> anxious to interview one of the zoo employees." Tina's
> zoo employee photograph filled the screen. "Police wish
> to talk to this woman, Tina Foster, an American living in
> Japan who was known to be in the area when the shootout
> occurred. She has not been seen since. We will have
> more information as the story develops."

Uh... oh.
But wouldn't the zoo have given the police her contact information?

> Tina and Kaoru sat frozen on the sofa, their eyes
> wide.
> "But I didn't do anything," Tina gasped before
> throwing her arms around Kaoru's neck and burying her
> face in his chest. She couldn't control her trembling.
> Being a gaijin wanted by the police was the worst thing
> that could happen to her in Japan.

Well, not *good,* but there are a few worse things.

> She felt a soothing hand on her trembling shoulder.
> "The reporter said they just want to ask you a few
> questions. I'm sure you're not in any trouble. After
> all, you said all you did was escape the shooting. You
> couldn't help it if that man forced you."
> Tina's head shot up, her relief clear. "Yes, that's
> it. I was forced by that horrible man to help him escape
> the guys who killed his partner. How was I to know he's
> a secret agent for the Americans?"

<head-->desk>

> "Uh... Tina. I don't think you should tell them all
> that," Kaoru replied, still patting her shoulder.
> They both flinched when the doorbell rang.

The wheels of the law turn slowly in this part of the country, eh?

> "I'll get it," Miyabi said as she descended the
> stairs. She quickly crossed to the door and opened it.
> For a few moments she just stared at three large men in
> suits. "Can I help you?"

Not cops? Bad news.

> One of the men held up a picture of Tina. "Police.
> Is she here?"

She doesn't ask for ID? A uniformed cop, I could see it, but three
guys in dark suits (and with lousy language skills)?

> Miyabi fought a grimace at the man's bad Japanese,
> reminding herself that policemen often came from the
> lower classes and probably didn't do well in school.

Oh, c'mon! Miyabi *can't* be that dense!

> "Yes," she replied in an even voice. When none of
> the men responded, she asked, "Should I get her?"
> "Yes," the man with the picture said.

Seriously, Miyabi's alarms should be ringing off the hook at this point
-- TTBOMK, Japanese cops just don't *act* this way. And someone up the
line should have noticed that the mansion is the property of a Zaibatsu,
and sent along someone with social skills.

> Tina slowly disengaged herself from Kaoru's arms and
> drifted towards the door, her face downcast. She glanced
> up a couple of times but only noticed that the two other
> men looked like attack dogs anxious to be let loose.
> Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
> most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
> can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
> the large room with her hand.
> "No, we are taking her to..." The first man's voice
> trailed off like he was searching for the proper words.
> "Headquarters," one of the other men finished.
> "Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
> "Questioned," the other man corrected.

...come ON, Miyabi....

> "Questioned, yes. Only questioned, nothing else.
> No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"

<beating... head... against... desk>

> He was stopped by the other man jabbing him in the
> ribs. "Questioned. That is all."
> Miyabi eyed the men with obvious suspicion. "I
> see," she said slowly. Her eyes went from the frightened

TOOK her long enough!

> Tina to the three expressionless men and back again, like
> she was deciding how best to handle this considering her
> primary responsibility to Lady Aoi.

"like she was" again.
Now, c'mon, Miyabi, you wouldn't hand Tina over to someone you thought
would hurt her just to protect Aoi's name, right? Right? Uh, Miyabi?

> "I'll go," Tina said in a soft voice. "I've already
> caused you enough trouble."
> "Don't worry, Tina," Kaoru said as he came up behind
> her. "You'll be home in no time. Just tell them the
> truth."

Darn it, people! Am I the ONLY PERSON HERE who hears GREAT BIG
FREAKIN' ALARM BELLS?!?!
...right, it's Japan. Miyabi is the only one who I should really
expect to be streetwise enough.

> Tina forced a sad smile his way, her hand rising as
> if to touch him only to be quickly snatched away. "Let's
> go," she said, starting for the doorway. The man in the
> middle stepped back to make room for her to pass.
>
> As the four trudged towards a waiting car, Miyabi
> slowly shut the door and frowned.
> "What's the matter?" Kaoru asked.
> Miyabi glanced at him and at Lady Aoi, standing just
> outside the kitchen holding a hand over her mouth in
> shock. "I'm not sure," she finally admitted. "This
> whole episode is most unusual."

Understatement. Of. The. YEAR!

> "How do you mean?" Kaoru leaned over to look out
> one of the windows at the darkness, trying to pick out
> Tina's blond head among the three massive policemen
> hovering over her. "The police just want to ask her a
> few questions. I guess it is only proper they do that
> down at the police station."
> "That's just it," Miyabi replied with a frown.
> "Those policemen acted in a most unusual manner."
> "How?" Aoi asked as she drifted towards the same
> window Kaoru was looking through.

"Well, they acted like gaijin spies *pretending* to be plainclothes
cops. Plus, they didn't have any badges."

> "Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
> ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
> And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
> the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
> paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
> men didn't even ask about her card."

*This* is the only thing that pings her radar? Seriously, I'm having
some trouble, here. Granted, this *is* looking more like a comedy than
a drama...

> "Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
> Kaoru's arm.
> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
> this," Miyabi replied.

For that matter, why haven't the *real* cops shown up? Or called?

Okay, wrap-up:
Character voices: well captured.
The narration seems a tad uncertain of who's "speaking," but it's not
too serious.

The whole "you're under arrest" sequence needs work. Part of it, I
think, is that the scene can't quite seem to decide if it's comedy or
drama. Miyabi seems way too slow on the uptake, and the Three Stooges
too clumsy to be credible.
If I were to suggest something, I'd try making the Three Stooges more
Stooge-like; that is, make the Head Stooge competent, believably
professional, while his two dead-above-the-neck partners keep sabotaging
him -- basically, take the 'interrogate/question' bit and spread it
around. Give HS decent Japanese skills and fake ID, and Miyabi's
failure to 'ping' on anything except the gaijin-card bit becomes much
more reasonable. Give the other Stooges really *bad* Japanese skills,
and an inability to keep their mouths shut while trying to help their
boss out, and you've got potential comedy gold as HS scrambles to pull
their feet out of his mouth and provide reasonable-sounding explanations
for their non sequiters. And if the other two stooges are explained
away as gaijin Interpol cops or something, that would help.

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[GL Sandborn]

David McMillan wrote:

> GL Sandborn wrote:
>
>> More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
>> really needs it.
>
>
> Well, if you *insist* (and I've got some time to spare)....


Always appreciated.

>
>> In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
>> knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
>> her bed. Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
>> lump still under the comforter. Who or what was in her
>> bed?
>
>
> Given Tina's drinking habits in the anime, I suppose this was
> inevitable. Although, given the events of the previous chapter, this
> is obviously the opening of a bait&switch.

Drat! He's on to me. ^_^

>
>> drinks. Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
>> Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
>> them ?
>
>
> Seems to be a missing ellipsis here.

WordPerfect to OpenOffice to MS Word and back to WordPerfect. I don't
always have access to my personal laptop and sometimes work on
these stories on borrowed equipment. So, I have to use whatever is
available. I thought I had checked it for all the 'funny quotes', odd
characters,
and ellipsis but obviously some got missed.

>
>> She was still deciding what to do with him when she
>> heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying to open
>> it.
>
>
> Sug: "rattle as someone turned it from the other side"

How about: "as if being turned from the other side." ???

>
>> The door slowly opened on squeaky hinges. In a
>> flash, the futon seemed to erupt, the comforter flying
>> one way and Steven the other. There was a loud 'click'
>> and everything in the room seemed to freeze.
>
>
> Hmph. *Real* secret agents have their safeties modded so that
> they don't make audible noise.
> ...what? I hang out with a passle of gunsmiths.

One of my daughters is a gunsmith. You wouldn't believe the hell I've
caught from her for such screwups.
(And this from a guy who has more firearms than some third-world
countries. So, there's no excuse here.)
Anyway, the 'click' is more for dramatic effect than realism.

>
>> Taeko Minazuki found herself nose-to-business end of
>> Steven's handgun. Her eyes quickly filled her glasses
>> and then crossed to look directly down the barrel. Her
>> mouth dropped open allowing a tiny squeak to escape. The
>> pile of Tina's freshly washed laundry tumbled from her
>> arms. Before Tina could say or do anything, Taeko
>> stumbled backwards, landing on her butt, her mouth
>
>
> There's an awful lot of 'butt' action going on in just the first
> two pages. Then again, given the canon material....
> I'm almost surprised she didn't manage to knock *him* down, or
> knock over a bookcase, or something.

I'm trying to write this closer to the 'canon' than my other stories.
Instead of pulling the characters into the 'real world',
I want to keep the story in 'their' world, which is a lot tougher than
it sounds.

>
>> "Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
>> fresh blood trickled down his left arm. The sound of the
>> servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
>> down the hallway.
>
>
> Should be servants' quarters' (or quarters's, I'm not sure).
> Darned English. I dunno, maybe just "outside door" or something would
> work better.

Not sure either. I'll wrestle with it this week.

>
>
>> resting on the couch in the mansion's living room. Aoi
>> knelt next to him, pacing a cool, wet cloth on his head.
>> She approached her task with all the care and concern she
>> had often shown others in their little impromptu
>> 'family.' Kaoru frowned at the stranger from behind the
>
>
> Heh. "Impromptu family" -- that's one of the big things that
> makes me have a soft spot for AYA, despite my general disinterest in
> the harem genre.

Agreed. AYA is only a derivation on the harem genre, although a pretty
good one. There's no ambiguity about who Kaoru will end up with. Tina
and Taeko
are only flirting with their own fantasies concerning him. Of course,
he feeds those fantasies by being such a nice guy but I don't think
there is ever any doubt
that Kaoru and Aoi are the only couple. (Although, at the end of the
'Enishi' arc, we get an interesting glimpse of Miyabi and Maya's
guardian together that suggests
something might be brewing there.)

>
>
>> "It was probably an accident. I doubt Tina would do
>> anything to place our lives in danger," Kaoru said with
>> an expression that suggested he had questions as well.
>
>
> Sug: "said, though his expression suggested"

Agreed.

>
>> "Well..." Tina half-turned away from Kaoru,
>> blushing madly. Her index fingers nervously circled each
>> other as she tried to think of how to explain Steven.
>> "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
>> stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
>
>
> Sug: "Folding her hands in front of her (waist? Obi?), she..."

I'm still struck by her usual pose that includes holding her hands
together in front of her. It's repeated time and time again in the series.
So much so, it is pretty much her trademark pose.

>
>> her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
>> there is a logical explanation."
>
>
> Oboy. There's a setup if I ever heard one.
>
>> Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
>> direction. Her tale came in a single rush of words. "I
>> was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
>> me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
>> exhibit only when I went to get it, I found a bunch of
>> guys shooting at each other and they would have shot me
>> but this man saved my life but got shot in the process
>> and we had to make a run for it until we got to my
>> favorite hiding place in the tunnels under the zoo where
>> I bandaged his arm and he told me he was a government
>> agent so I brought him here."
>
>
> Aside from being recorded at 23&1/2 and played back at 33&1/3,
> that's actually not too bad for a quick recap.

Thank you. I can just hear her saying this in a single breath. ^_^

>
>> A heavy silence fell over the room, as if her
>> audience was trying to digest her story. It was the kind
>> of tale guaranteed to give a person heartburn.
>> "There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
>> had a reasonable explanation."
>
>
> Well, you asked for it.
>
>> "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
>> "Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
>> what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
>> as the truth itself."
>
>
> "Of course not." <SNORK!>
> I love Aoi. She manages innocence w/o naivete. And niceness w/o
> being wishy-washy.

Well, there is a little naivete in her. After all, she's the
quintessential 'girl raised in a box'. I gather that outside of that
special girls high school she attended, she never went anywhere without
the company of someone more experienced in how the world works. What
she experienced in the train station in the first episode is enough to
give one that impression.

>
>> Kaoru started to say something but hesitated as if
>> trying to make some sense of what his fiancee had said.
>
>
> Mmm... Sug: "Kaoru opened his mouth as if to reply, then closed
> it again, looking like a man trying to work out a logic puzzle."

Good, good.

>
>> Miyabi, however, shook her head. "Whatever the
>> case, he's here now and we need to deal with that. First
>> of all, where is the weapon he used on Miss Taeko?"
>> Tina pulled it out of the waistband of her shorts
>> and held it up. "Got it right here," she said with
>> pride.
>
>
> Here's the windup... (although it makes a *bit* more sense for a
> girl to do that, than a guy)
>
>> "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
>
>
> And the pitch...
>
>> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
>> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
>> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
>> at Kaoru.
>
>
> swing...
>
>> The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve, jumped
>> when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling. Aoi
>
>
> And it's a home run hit straight over the center field fence.
> Well, so much for *that* stereotype. They may pull her Texas
> citizenship for this, though...
>
>> covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
>> his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
>> corner.
>
>
> <snerk>
>
>> "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
>> out of Tina's limp hand.
>
>
> Oooh, Miyabi's *exercised* -- her diction is slipping.

Actually, I worried about that line. It's a stretch for her to speak
like that under any circumstances. ([sigh] Sometimes I reach a little
too far
for my comedy bits.)

>
>> "Ooops," Tina said weakly, looking at the ceiling
>> and squinting to see where the bullet had gone. "I
>> wonder where it went."
>> "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
>> is directly above this room."
>
>
> <ROTFL>
>
>> Tina tried a nervous giggle but it wasn't working.
>
>
> That's okay, it's working for *me*.
>
>> Miyabi glared at her like she was considering how long it
>
>
> Sug: "calculating". It's more Miyabi-ish.
> And "like she was" would probably work better as "as if she were".
> Although if you're going for a Tina-ish narrational 'voice' here,
> tight-third-person style, the looser language is workable.

Ah, you caught my dilemma. My usual narrative is less directed than
this. I've been told that so many of my stories don't get close enough
to any of the characters. So, with some exception, I'm trying to stay
in Tina's head and POV. I obviously need a lot of work on that.

>
>> would take to throw all of Tina's valuables along with
>> the girl herself out on the lawn.
>> "I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
>> growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine
>
>
> I am terribly intrigued by the question of where she learned
> this. No doubt, the answer is downright fascinating.
> PS: there's still one up the spout.

This got added last minute. I'm still not sure just how much Miyabi
should know about firearms. I can't see it as being in her training
since such weapons are pretty much banned in Japan. Still, there are
armed bodyguards there and Miyabi could be considered Aoi's bodyguard.
I just have a hard time reconciling that with the Anime. She comes
across there more like a responsible older sister. Let me think on
this. (Originally, I was going to have her handle the weapon as little
as possible. More in keeping with my view of Miyabi. Maybe, you're
right and I should explore the possibilities that she is more than she
appears.)

>
>
>> "A police investigation would surely mention Lady
>> Aoi. That would cause embarrassment to the Sakuraba
>> Group. We must avoid that at all costs."
>
>
> Called it.
> "So, we have to kill him. The mansion maintenance supplies
> include a small Bobcat backhoe and a generous amoutn of quicklime for
> just such an eventuality."
> I know, I know, but can't you just *hear* her saying it?

SSS. Yup, always a good policy in these sort of situations. ^_^

>
>> "Then " Kaoru's voice faded as he considered what
>
>
> Something is stripping out your ellipses, AFAICT.

(See above.) No excuses. Lousy editing.

>
>
>> it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
>> steely glare. "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
>> She really didn't want to share a room with a man. Well,
>> she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
>> reasonable option.
>
>
> Oh, yeah, I'm thinking like an American. Miyabi's concern for
> propriety really does begin and end with Aoi (and perhaps Kaoru, by
> extension). Then again, maybe she's parochial enough to think that
> the American girl won't have the same qualms as a Japanese girl would.
> Or, most likely she's just indulging in this fortunate
> intersection between good tactics and a chance at some payback.

Probably a little of both. Considering how the Japanese are masters at
compartmentalizing their lives, I can see her considering whatever goes
on in the servants' quarters
to be pretty much unimportant to Lady Aoi and keeping up proper
appearances. After all, servants are considered lower classes and such
things are quite lower class.

>
>> "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
>> towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
>> to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
>> this horrible weapon." She held his pistol between two
>> fingers like it was a dirty diaper. "Lady Aoi will
>
>
> Mmm... it's a bit inconsistent for someone who handles a gun as
> well as she does to treat it with this much contempt. And even if she
> *does* hate the things, holding it like that is still a violation of
> firearm safety -- I'd expect her to be trained better than that.

Yeah, this was left in back when I had her totally ignorant of
firearms. This also needs some work.

>
>> Miss Tina will clean the mess he made back in the other
>> building."
>> "What should I do?" Kaoru asked. Tina desperately
>> wanted to suggest he go with her but knew Miss Manager
>> wasn't in the mood to take suggestions.
>> "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
>
>
> Sug: "You had best", or something. Miyabi usually seems to have
> very precise diction, except when she's *really* worked up

Agreed. I'm obviously having a little trouble getting a good handle on
the Miyabi character.

>
>
>> sounds in the kitchen but found only Aoi and Taeko busy
>> preparing breakfast.
>> "You guys need any help?" she offered, hoping it
>> would somehow make them forget her error in judgment.
>
>
> Heh heh. Penitent Tina. Cute image.

Trying to stick to the 'AYA world' here.

>
>> Aoi and Taeko froze before slowly looking at each
>> other. "We didn't," Aoi said, her eyes wide with
>> surprise.
>> "Then..." Tina set the plates back on the counter
>> and frowned at the living room.
>> Three heads poked around the corner of the doorway
>
>
> <snicker> Kawaii.

An Anime scene written in English. Lousy writing but kinda fun, when
you think about it.

>
>> to see an empty couch and no sign of Mr. Hunter. They
>> slowly retreated back inside the kitchen.
>> "Where did he go?" Aoi asked in a hushed voice.
>> "Maybe he's stalking around somewhere in the house,"
>> Taeko added, her balled fists held in front of her face.
>> "What are you guys doing?" Kaoru's voice from the
>
>
> "AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"
>
>> stairs caused the three girls to squeal in fright, each
>> striking a startled pose. When Tina saw who it was, she
>> sagged against the kitchen wall in relief. Aoi
>> practically ran to Kaoru's side, quickly followed by
>> Taeko. Kaoru found himself sandwiched between two
>> trembling young ladies.
>
>
> ...such a *terrible* burden to bear.

Yes, and he bears it so well. ^_^

>
>
>> "Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to
>
>
> Was that supposed to be "Kaoru-sama," or is Aoi babbling in
> fast-forward?

Hmmmm, hadn't thought of that. 'Kaoru-sama' is probably more accurate.
(I don't think Aoi does ANYTHING in fast-forward.)

>
>> Aoi and Taeko released Karou with obvious relief
>> before shyly returning to the kitchen. Tina sighed and
>> shook her head. "He probably didn't know I lived here.
>> All he saw was the room I live in and he didn't get a
>> very good look at anything last night because he kept
>> passing out on me."
>> "In any case, it is just as well he is gone."
>> Miyabi descended the stairs, herding Kaoru ahead of her.
>> "It solves our problem about what to do with him."
>> Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.
>
>
> If it's not a "Tina voice" thing, I'd suggest "much more quietly"

More trying to get the narrative right. Keep flashing in and out of
Tina's POV. Not good.

>
>
>> pile of poop would have been tough enough. The ones with
>> bullet wounds would have been impossible.
>
>
> Never hid a body under manure before. Have to remember that for
> future reference.

It won't hide it long but will be mighty entertaining watching the cops
try to dig it out. ^_^

>
>> The day passed quickly for Tina. She helped Taeko
>> clean house and then cleaned again after the girl's
>> multiple accidents. Aoi in particular seemed happy to
>> have the extra help.
>
>
> Sug: "She helped Taeko clean house, mostly by performing damage
> control in the maid's wake."
>
Even better. Thanks.

>
>
>> She was just snuggling against Kaoru's arm when her
>> show was interrupted by a news flash.
>> "We have further information in the area's top story
>> tonight," the reporter said with a grave expression.
>> "Yesterday's shootout at the Nageyama Zoo left five
>> people dead, one American and four yet unidentified men.
>> Police are still investigating the incident and are
>> anxious to interview one of the zoo employees." Tina's
>> zoo employee photograph filled the screen. "Police wish
>> to talk to this woman, Tina Foster, an American living in
>> Japan who was known to be in the area when the shootout
>> occurred. She has not been seen since. We will have
>> more information as the story develops."
>
>
> Uh... oh.
> But wouldn't the zoo have given the police her contact information?

Yeah, but I'm trying to stick to the Anime world where the cops are only
as efficient as I need them to tell the story.

>
>
>> She felt a soothing hand on her trembling shoulder.
>> "The reporter said they just want to ask you a few
>> questions. I'm sure you're not in any trouble. After
>> all, you said all you did was escape the shooting. You
>> couldn't help it if that man forced you."
>> Tina's head shot up, her relief clear. "Yes, that's
>> it. I was forced by that horrible man to help him escape
>> the guys who killed his partner. How was I to know he's
>> a secret agent for the Americans?"
>
>
> <head-->desk>
>
>> "Uh... Tina. I don't think you should tell them all
>> that," Kaoru replied, still patting her shoulder.
>> They both flinched when the doorbell rang.
>
>
> The wheels of the law turn slowly in this part of the country, eh?

In the Anime world, it sometimes does, if the story demands it..

>
>> "I'll get it," Miyabi said as she descended the
>> stairs. She quickly crossed to the door and opened it.
>> For a few moments she just stared at three large men in
>> suits. "Can I help you?"
>
>
> Not cops? Bad news.
>
>> One of the men held up a picture of Tina. "Police.
>> Is she here?"
>
>
> She doesn't ask for ID? A uniformed cop, I could see it, but
> three guys in dark suits (and with lousy language skills)?
>
>> Miyabi fought a grimace at the man's bad Japanese,
>> reminding herself that policemen often came from the
>> lower classes and probably didn't do well in school.
>
>
> Oh, c'mon! Miyabi *can't* be that dense!
>
>> "Yes," she replied in an even voice. When none of
>> the men responded, she asked, "Should I get her?"
>> "Yes," the man with the picture said.
>
>
> Seriously, Miyabi's alarms should be ringing off the hook at this
> point -- TTBOMK, Japanese cops just don't *act* this way. And someone
> up the line should have noticed that the mansion is the property of a
> Zaibatsu, and sent along someone with social skills.

I could put that in here but probably should entertain the conflict
going on in Miyabi's head. In my other stories, I probably would have
done that but I kept wanting
to make this more from Tina's POV. Also, the whole thrust of the story
is almost cartoonish. The bad guys are really more incompetent than evil.

>
>> Tina to the three expressionless men and back again, like
>> she was deciding how best to handle this considering her
>> primary responsibility to Lady Aoi.
>
>
> "like she was" again.
> Now, c'mon, Miyabi, you wouldn't hand Tina over to someone you
> thought would hurt her just to protect Aoi's name, right? Right? Uh,
> Miyabi?

I think she would sell ALL the others into bondage to protect Aoi and
her family name. (Okay, she MIGHT hesitate with Kaoru.)

>
>
>> "I'll go," Tina said in a soft voice. "I've already
>> caused you enough trouble."
>> "Don't worry, Tina," Kaoru said as he came up behind
>> her. "You'll be home in no time. Just tell them the
>> truth."
>
>
> Darn it, people! Am I the ONLY PERSON HERE who hears GREAT BIG
> FREAKIN' ALARM BELLS?!?!
> ...right, it's Japan. Miyabi is the only one who I should really
> expect to be streetwise enough.

Ummmm, think sitcoms.

>
>
>> "Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
>> ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
>> And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
>> the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
>> paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
>> men didn't even ask about her card."
>
>
> *This* is the only thing that pings her radar? Seriously, I'm
> having some trouble, here. Granted, this *is* looking more like a
> comedy than a drama...

Ummmm, it IS a comedy.

>
>
>> "Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
>> Kaoru's arm.
>> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
>> this," Miyabi replied.
>
>
> For that matter, why haven't the *real* cops shown up? Or called?

Plot reasons.

>
> Okay, wrap-up:
> Character voices: well captured.
> The narration seems a tad uncertain of who's "speaking," but it's
> not too serious.
>
> The whole "you're under arrest" sequence needs work. Part of it,
> I think, is that the scene can't quite seem to decide if it's comedy
> or drama. Miyabi seems way too slow on the uptake, and the Three
> Stooges too clumsy to be credible.
> If I were to suggest something, I'd try making the Three Stooges
> more Stooge-like; that is, make the Head Stooge competent, believably
> professional, while his two dead-above-the-neck partners keep
> sabotaging him -- basically, take the 'interrogate/question' bit and
> spread it around. Give HS decent Japanese skills and fake ID, and
> Miyabi's failure to 'ping' on anything except the gaijin-card bit
> becomes much more reasonable. Give the other Stooges really *bad*
> Japanese skills, and an inability to keep their mouths shut while
> trying to help their boss out, and you've got potential comedy gold as
> HS scrambles to pull their feet out of his mouth and provide
> reasonable-sounding explanations for their non sequiters. And if the
> other two stooges are explained away as gaijin Interpol cops or
> something, that would help.

All of the above is exactly right. However, there are reasons for way
it is being written. I'm probably going to give a lot away here but the
plot involves an Asian foreign power attempting to use some new 'wonder
weapon' to destroy the US/Japan relationship. The weapon is more
cartoonish than dangerous, the villains are stupid, and their leader is
a complete nut-case.
In order for all this to work, I need to have incompetant villains
chasing Tina and not the rest of the cast.
I admit, my research has been confined pretty much to the procedures of
uniformed officers. There is not much written concerning plain clothes
officers, other than women officers used as decoys. Perhaps, I should
include the first man presenting a forged police ID card that is just
good enough to pass unofficial examination. That would resolve Miyabi's
dilemma without making her seem as clueless as the others. The fake
cops in this instance are not Japanese. They're not even well trained
bad guys. When you find out who they are, it will all make sense.
Perhaps I ended this chapter too soon. Maybe I can add a section at the
end where the real cops show up and everyone suddenly realizes that Tina
is in trouble.

One thing to keep in mind; even though many of the characters come
across as serious, this is still a comedy where much of the 'real world'
doesn't function. Yes, there are 'real world' situations and people do
die in it but I'm going for more of an Anime feel to my story. That
includes situations where the average reader will be yelling "DON'T GO
IN THERE!" at the screen when it is obvious something evil is behind the
door.
All this is setup for the real action later. I've had to set the
circumstances for Tina to be on the run. The Steven character is more
than he appears and less than everyone thinks.

Thanks, David. This is REALLY good C&C. It is exactly the kind of
input I hope for when posting to the FFML.

- GL



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[GL Sandborn]

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

>> 2 Arrested Developments
>>
>>
>
>Tina's boobs in handcuffs?
>
>
ACK! NO! (BAD Lurker, Bad!) ;-)

>
>
>> Pulling her rumpled nightshirt tighter around her
>> chest, she blinked and tried to remember what happened
>> after that. As hard as she tried, it always came back to
>> that black hole in what should have been a critical part
>> of her evening. There were lots of drinks, a few noisy
>> patrons, fowl-smelling cigarette smoke hanging heavily in
>>
>>
>
>Gotta hate cigarette smoke that smells like poultry...
>
>
DOH! 'foul-smelling'

>
>
>
>> Eventually, one unearthly screech worked its way free as
>> the girl scrambled on all fours down the hall towards the
>> nearest exit.
>>
>>
>
>Doesn't handle stress well, that one...poor Tae-chin...
>
>
Although you have to admit, it really fits her character. ^_^

>
>
>
>> "There," Aoi said with a pained smile, "I knew she
>> had a reasonable explanation."
>> "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
>> "Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
>> what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
>> as the truth itself."
>>
>>
>
>*SNRK*
>
>
Sometimes, I just love Aoi's logic.

>> "Karousama, please tell me you moved Mr. Hunter to
>>
>>
>
>Kaoru-sama, maybe?
>
>
I think you are right.

>
>
>> "Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
>> "Questioned," the other man corrected.
>> "Questioned, yes. Only questioned, nothing else.
>> No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"
>>
>>
>
>XD
>
>
Can't you just see this scene? Something right out of a sitcom. ^_^

>
>
>> "Whenever the police deal with a gaijin, they always
>> ask to see the gaijin's alien registration card first.
>> And if they take a gaijin into custody, they hang on to
>> the card to discourage the prisoner from escaping." She
>> paused to look at the solid door in front of her. "These
>> men didn't even ask about her card."
>> "Do you suspect...," Aoi gasped as she gripped
>> Kaoru's arm.
>> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
>> this," Miyabi replied.
>>
>>
>
>No kidding...
>
>The Eternal Lost Lurker
>www.lurkerdrome.com
>
>
Thanks, Lurk! You're a treasure.

- GL



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[Glazius Falconar]

GL Sandborn wrote:
> More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
> really needs it.
>
K. Step one: find and replace "Karou" with "Kaoru". Both of them are
equally hated by the spellchecker, but only one of them is his real name.

Step two: I realize popcorn spy movies often have Idiot Plots, but
really... well, more on that when it hits.

> Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
> quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
> still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
> over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
> How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
>
It's more how he _stayed_ in her bed that I'm wondering about. Aoi
snuggles in her sleep. Tina dreams about being Sheena, Queen of the
Jungle, or something similarly athletic and winds up booting everything
off onto the floor. Even when she goes to bed tired and scared.

The series of events would unfold mostly the same if she stepped out of
bed onto him and that woke _him_ up enough to go all Mexican Standoff
with Taeko.

> Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
> business can't be too careful." He blinked and shook his
> head like he was trying to clear his vision. "I think...
> I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
> head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
> Tina's formally clean laundry.
> "I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
> heavy sigh.
>
Again I wonder how Mr. Linguist has got enough reflexive situational
awareness to draw and point the gun. Or is he only a linguist like Indy
is a professor?

> "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
> stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
> her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
> there is a logical explanation."
>
That description sounds _incredibly_ salacious. I know what you're
trying to do here - Aoi is a loaded respect cannon, ready to bow at any
time. Not sure how to keep this with the flow. "Clasping her hands over
her sash", maybe? It can't be _too_ long because it's such a casual
gesture, but.

> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
> at Kaoru.
>
I'm having trouble visualizing 'a Lupin-like pose'. Lupin mostly runs,
right? Hauling his latest acquisition over his shoulder?

::one Google Image search later::

Would "resting the gun against her temple in a Lupin pose" describe it
appropriately? No, that sounds a) initially suicidal and b) like she'll
deafen herself with the misfire.Further description seems to make it
sound like the bullet went nearly straight up, which makes me
retroactively visualize that silhouette in the center in the classic
Charlie's Angels logo.

Maybe just "crossed her arms and winked at Kaoru"?

> "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
> out of Tina's limp hand.
>
"Give me that!", right? Miyabi doesn't lose her cool even when she's
losing her cool.

> "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
> is directly above this room."
[...]
> "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
> towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
> to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
> this horrible weapon."
>
[...]
> "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
> that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
> office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
> roof."
>
"You had better", "You had best", or perhaps "you will".

Also, "office" has stopped looking like a word. If Miyabi's deliberately
emphasizing it then stick in some _emphasis_.

> By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
> dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
> that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
> and nothing more would come from the incident.
>
Is Tina that perceptive?

"No one even mentioned him, or the gun, at dinner. They were probably
all confident he was gone for good."

Something like that, maybe.

> Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
> most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
> can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
> the large room with her hand.
>
"May I" seems to fit Miyabi better.

> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
> this," Miyabi replied.
>
>
And this is about where the Idiot Plot kicks in. I really doubt Miyabi
would be all that willing to let three strange men come into her house
and act the way they pleased. I think I can see where you want to go
with this - Tina goes bye-bye under suspicious circumstances and the
house comes to belatedly realize this - but that was a bit much to
swallow. Two possibilities:

1) The scene happens mostly as written, but the man who does most of the
non-suspicious talking passes himself off credibly as an inspector and
apologizes for the rookies who aren't used to the pressure of such an
important case.

2) Tina decides to turn herself in to the friendly neighborhood beat cop
but gets intercepted most of the way there and absconded with. He sees
the car (not an actual police car) and relates the story to whichever
member of the household next sees him and asks after Tina.

--GF

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[GL Sandborn]

Glazius Falconar wrote:

>GL Sandborn wrote:
>
>
>>More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
>>really needs it.
>>
>>
>>
Much of what you found was caught earlier by Lurker and McMillan. The
corrected chapter is now
on my web site.

>K. Step one: find and replace "Karou" with "Kaoru". Both of them are
>equally hated by the spellchecker, but only one of them is his real name.
>
>Step two: I realize popcorn spy movies often have Idiot Plots, but
>really... well, more on that when it hits.
>
>
>
>> Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
>> quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
>> still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
>> over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
>> How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
>>
>>
>>
>It's more how he _stayed_ in her bed that I'm wondering about. Aoi
>snuggles in her sleep. Tina dreams about being Sheena, Queen of the
>Jungle, or something similarly athletic and winds up booting everything
>off onto the floor. Even when she goes to bed tired and scared.
>
>
This was never stated in the Ainime. I don't recall any odd feature
about Tina's sleeping habits.
Obviously, the manga goes deeper into this issue.

>The series of events would unfold mostly the same if she stepped out of
>bed onto him and that woke _him_ up enough to go all Mexican Standoff
>with Taeko.
>
>
I'll consider this but I was going for something subtle up to the point
of explosion.

>
>
>> Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
>> business can't be too careful." He blinked and shook his
>> head like he was trying to clear his vision. "I think...
>> I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
>> head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
>> Tina's formally clean laundry.
>> "I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
>> heavy sigh.
>>
>>
>>
>Again I wonder how Mr. Linguist has got enough reflexive situational
>awareness to draw and point the gun. Or is he only a linguist like Indy
>is a professor?
>
>
He's more than he seems. He got this job as much because of his natural
instincts as his education.

>
>
>> "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
>> stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
>> her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
>> there is a logical explanation."
>>
>>
>>
>That description sounds _incredibly_ salacious. I know what you're
>trying to do here - Aoi is a loaded respect cannon, ready to bow at any
>time. Not sure how to keep this with the flow. "Clasping her hands over
>her sash", maybe? It can't be _too_ long because it's such a casual
>gesture, but.
>
>
'Holding her hands in front of her' would not adequately reflect the
pose. It might suggest to some
hands clasped together waist high and to others hands clasped together
at mid-chest. I was going
for her 'trademark' pose seen in just about every episode of the Anime;
her hands held together with
straight arms towards the floor. I'll tinker with it a bit.

>
>
>> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
>> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
>> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
>> at Kaoru.
>>
>>
>>
>I'm having trouble visualizing 'a Lupin-like pose'. Lupin mostly runs,
>right? Hauling his latest acquisition over his shoulder?
>
>::one Google Image search later::
>
>Would "resting the gun against her temple in a Lupin pose" describe it
>appropriately? No, that sounds a) initially suicidal and b) like she'll
>deafen herself with the misfire.Further description seems to make it
>sound like the bullet went nearly straight up, which makes me
>retroactively visualize that silhouette in the center in the classic
>Charlie's Angels logo.
>
>Maybe just "crossed her arms and winked at Kaoru"?
>
>
I donno. I'm looking at one now where he's holding a pistol in more of
a 'two finger salute' pose where
the barrel of the gun is pointed about 25 degrees off vertical possibly
as much as a foot from his head.
I'll walk through it again and attempt to think of some better
description. Perhaps dropping Lupin all together.

>
>
>> "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
>> out of Tina's limp hand.
>>
>>
>>
>"Give me that!", right? Miyabi doesn't lose her cool even when she's
>losing her cool.
>
>
Already gone. She snatches the pistol without expression and handles it
like a pro, which raises some
interesting questions about Miyabi.

>
>
>> "Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
>> is directly above this room."
>>
>>
>[...]
>
>
>> "In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
>> towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
>> to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
>> this horrible weapon."
>>
>>
>>
>[...]
>
>
>> "You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
>> that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
>> office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
>> roof."
>>
>>
>>
>"You had better", "You had best", or perhaps "you will".
>
>
"You had best" is already the corrected version.

>Also, "office" has stopped looking like a word. If Miyabi's deliberately
>emphasizing it then stick in some _emphasis_.
>
>
>
>> By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
>> dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
>> that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
>> and nothing more would come from the incident.
>>
>>
>>
>Is Tina that perceptive?
>
>"No one even mentioned him, or the gun, at dinner. They were probably
>all confident he was gone for good."
>
>Something like that, maybe.
>
>
Hmmm, transition scene problem. I'll revisit it again.

>
>
>> Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
>> most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
>> can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
>> the large room with her hand.
>>
>>
>>
>"May I" seems to fit Miyabi better.
>
>
Again, already changed.

>
>
>> "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
>> this," Miyabi replied.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>And this is about where the Idiot Plot kicks in. I really doubt Miyabi
>would be all that willing to let three strange men come into her house
>and act the way they pleased. I think I can see where you want to go
>
>
Japanese police do this all the time.

>with this - Tina goes bye-bye under suspicious circumstances and the
>house comes to belatedly realize this - but that was a bit much to
>swallow. Two possibilities:
>
>1) The scene happens mostly as written, but the man who does most of the
>non-suspicious talking passes himself off credibly as an inspector and
>apologizes for the rookies who aren't used to the pressure of such an
>important case.
>
>2) Tina decides to turn herself in to the friendly neighborhood beat cop
>but gets intercepted most of the way there and absconded with. He sees
>the car (not an actual police car) and relates the story to whichever
>member of the household next sees him and asks after Tina.
>
>
3) The new ending. Miyabi is VERY uncomfortable about the three men but
is caught in a dilemma.
She knows that the men could easily out muscle them and just take what
they want. On the other hand,
she is under orders to avoid any embarrassment to the Sakuraba family
name. Engaging in a struggle in
their living room, which would most certainly result in injuries -
possibly severe enough to warrant
hospitalization - would be very difficult to keep out of the media.
In the end, Tina makes the decision for her and goes with the 'police'.
Miyabi is now caught between
protecting Tina and protecting Aoi. She ops for Aoi but agonizes over
how these 'police' did not follow
standard procedures for taking a gaijin into custody. In the mean time,
Kaoru and Aoi notice a second
vehicle approach (after the first departs with Tina). It's a marked
police car with two uniformed officers
and a detective. It is then, Kaoru and Aoi know for sure Tina has been
abducted.

Thanks for reading and responding.

Just one question, was there ANYTHING you liked about it? From your
review, it would appear to be a
total washout.

- GL

>--GF
>
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[DB Sommer]

GL Sandborn wrote:

>
> 2 Arrested Developments
>
>
> Tina sighed contentedly. It was certainly
> comfortable in her futon this morning.
>

Which means it won't last.


> In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
> knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
> her bed. Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
> lump still under the comforter. Who or what was in her
> bed?
> She tried to think back to what happened the night
> before. She remembered being in a small bar with some
> guy, maybe an American. At least, he spoke English like
> an American. She recalled that much.
> Pulling her rumpled nightshirt tighter around her
> chest, she blinked and tried to remember what happened
> after that. As hard as she tried, it always came back to
> that black hole in what should have been a critical part
> of her evening. There were lots of drinks, a few noisy
> patrons, fowl-smelling cigarette
>
foul, unless it was made from duck


> smoke hanging heavily in
> the air, and a quiet but generous companion buying the
> drinks. Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
> Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
> them ?
>
>

My, it must be unthinkable. She didn't think it.

> Her eyes went wide. She couldn't have. Even drunk,
> The bar. The reason she was there had more to do
> with caution than celebration. She shook her head and
> blew out a deep breath. They had ducked into the bar to
> make certain they weren't being followed. When Steven
> told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
> drink the place dry.
>

Naturally.


> case, it wasn't easy getting him home. He kept passing
> out. She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.
> They would have probably made better time that way.
> Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
> quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
> still awake.
>

I don't like that wording. It borders a double negative. "Everyone was
asleep' just sounds better.


> She remembered dumping him on the floor
> over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
> How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
>
>

See if he left a trail of blood.

> She was still deciding what to do with him when she
> heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying
>

tried (no need for the passive there)


> "Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
> fresh blood trickled down his left arm. The sound of the
> servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
> down the hallway.
> "That," Tina said, pointing to the now empty
> doorway, "was our maid, Taeko." Tina surveyed the
> disorderly pile that only moments before had been her
> neatly folded clean clothes. "And what's with sticking
> that cannon of yours in her face?"
> Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
> business can't be too careful."
>

Yes, it is best to kill everyone. No sense in taking unncessaary chances. :)


>
> Fifteen minutes later, after much confusion and
> running around, Steve Hunter's
>

You've been using Steven up to this point. Best to keep it that way.


> "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
> stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
> her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
> there is a logical explanation."
>
>

Well, I'm not sure logic plays a part in the explanation, but there is
one, at least.

> Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
>
>

turned in

> direction. Her tale came in a single rush of words. "I
> was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
> me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
> exhibit only when I went to get it, I
>

I take it she paused for breath there, otherwise drop the comma


> "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
> "Of course not. However, I am certain she believes
> what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
> as the truth itself."
>
>

Or at least it must suffice for a moment

> "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
> "Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
> know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
> prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
> at Kaoru.
> The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve,
>

Steven

> jumped
> when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling.
>

Saw that coming

> Aoi
> covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
> his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
> corner.
> "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
> out of Tina's limp hand.
> "Ooops,"
>

Oops, usually


> "I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
> growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine
> like a veteran. "In the mean time,
>

meantime ( I think)



> we need to consider
> what to do with your Mr. Hunter."
> "Maybe we should turn him over to the police," Kaoru
> said, helping the groggy Taeko to her feet.
> "Or take him to a hospital," Aoi added. "His arm is
> still bleeding."
> "Improper first aid," Miyabi said flatly, casting a
> frown Tina's way. "We can take care of his arm but I'm
>
>

arm, but

> Tina was about to complain about the unfairness of
> it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
> steely glare. "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.