[FFML] Not Another One

[Cute Neko Hibiki]

Disclaimer : I do not own Ranma or the series it is crossed Over with.



Not Another One

by

Cute Neko Hibiki



Ranma was getting the mail out of the mailbox for the Tendo Dojo when he
noticed a package addressed to himself.

Ranma took the mail in, went to his room, and opened the package.

Inside was a hardcover book that looked really old, and had gothic
lettering.

A not was inside with the book, it read:

'Ranma, open the book and touch the picture. All will be explained then.
I hope that you agree to what happens.'

Ranma opened the book, saw a moving picture inside, and touched it.

Ranma disappeared with a sound like... well... ... ...something.

***

Ranma reappeared in a room.

There was an old man and a young teenage girl there.

The old man said "Ranma. I am glad to see you here. My name is Atrus.
This is my daughter Yeesha. She's your new fiancée."

Ranma blinked, stared, and said "Damn it pops! Why this again! Not
another one!"

The End




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[Toku]

Hello! This is my first time posting here, so I hope I get it right! I
decided to CC this because I thought it might be improved. Please,
Hibiki-san, don't take my criticism harshly; it wasn't meant to be harsh. I
hope that - in some small way - I was able to help!

On 2/19/06, Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks (AT) jam (DOT) rr.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> Disclaimer : I do not own Ranma or the series it is crossed Over with.
>
>
>
> Not Another One
>
> by
>
> Cute Neko Hibiki
>
>
>
> Ranma was getting the mail out of the mailbox for the Tendo Dojo when
> he
> noticed a package addressed to himself.


Perhaps you might shorten the sentence. There is no need to mention "mail"
or "mailbox" so many times. So: "Ranma was getting the Tendo's mail when he
noticed a package addressed to himself."

Ranma took the mail in, went to his room, and opened the package.


No need to repeat Ranma's name over and over. Since he is still the only
actor in this scene, you can leave him out of the subjects of your
sentences.

Inside was a hardcover book that looked really old, and had gothic
> lettering.


"lettering on the cover" perhaps?

A not was inside with the book, it read:


So, what DOES a "not" look like?

'Ranma, open the book and touch the picture. All will be explained then.
> I hope that you agree to what happens.'


Leave "I hope that you agree to what happens" out. It will pack more punch.

Ranma opened the book, saw a moving picture inside, and touched it.


Ranma might be gullible, but he wouldn't be stupid. I'd consider adding some
text showing that he didn't want to touch the picture, but that he was
forced to in the end. Maybe something like: "He was about to put the book
down when... ...as his hand slipped and he started toppling over from the
blow, it lightly brushed the strange picture. Suddenly, Ranma disappeared
with a flash of light!"

Ranma disappeared with a sound like... well... ... ...something.


^ See above

***
>
> Ranma reappeared in a room.


Well, that was anticlimactic. Perhaps adding a bit more imagery to this
would spice it up a notch...BAM!! So: "The ancient room smelled of incense
and prayer; paper and must; age and wisdom. The light from a feeble winter
sun shot in through the grimy window and illuminated the still form that
appeared suddenly upon the polished timbers of the ancient floor. Ranma felt
warmth upon his face. Perhaps it was sunlight? He couldn't tell. The pain
from Akane's latest demonstration of her skills with that twice damned
hammer was slowly fading, but still managed to make his eyes hurt when he
opened them and blinked in the bright light. Where the hell am I? he
wondered."

There was an old man and a young teenage girl there.


More imagery. Like above ^

The old man said "Ranma. I am glad to see you here. My name is Atrus.
> This is my daughter Yeesha. She's your new fiancée."


Two things. First, are Atrus and Yeesha simply regular folks from back home?
They don't really know this Ranma person yet: they've never met him. So,
they might be a bit more formal with him - especially since they want to
make a great first impression. If they ARE from a magical realm, then it
would be wise to make their speech really flowery and strange. So: "Ranma!
We are well met indeed ser! I am known by many as the great mage, Atrus of
Braktor. This, is my lovely daughter, and the light of my life: Yeesha. She
will be your new fiancée."

Obviously, "ser" means "sir", just made to sound slightly different. People
without last names usually give a place name instead, but not always.

Secondly, I'd end it here. This is the punchline. Especially once you manage
to build it up with lots of dramatic imagery and glorious prose. Make it
sound like the beginning of an epic novel of grand proportion and end it
with this line.

Ranma blinked, stared, and said "Damn it pops! Why this again! Not
> another one!"
>
> The End


I wouldn't bother adding this at all. Just stop typing at the end of the
punch line.

I hope that this helped. I think that this could be a great oneshot. Perhaps
you could even expand it into a grand epic novel, etc. etc. (^_^)

--
★Toku Chan★
---


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